My dog is trying to sue me
Below is communication, intercepted from my dog to my father outlaw, an attorney.
The poor, mistreated beast attempting to fake me into complacency
Mr [redacted],
My name is Ella Jane Fitzgerald of the Burke-Schrock household on the [redacted] estate. I recently contacted you regarding legal representation. However, it has been brought to my attention that my Humans have been made aware of my request. I am unsure (as I am a dog) if this is a violation of Attorney-Client privilege or if that even applies to canines. I can only ascertain that you have ratted me out because I have not yet paid my retainer.
I find this troublesome.
I am prepared to pay you a handsome sum, in big, slobbery kisses and and occasional, inappropriate dog farts. These are the only forms of currency I possess and I assure you they are highly prized in the Dog World. At this time, I am unable to share my treats as I fear that my Humans may deny me kibble due to their knowledge of my request for help. I think this is duress or coercion. What, you are surprised I know of these things? Golden Retrievers are renowned for their intelligence and I am no exception. Well, maybe when I slide across the tile in furious pursuit of my ball and I crash into the door, or the wall, or the couch, or the bed, or innocent passers by. Maybe also when it is dark and I stare at that dog in the sliding glass door who looks suspiciously like me, but who refuses to introduce herself through the usual crotch sniffing measures. But most of the time, I am remarkably well educated.
I will contact you through less conspicuous means to discuss how you may represent me in my quest for filet mignon. My need is dire.
Thank you.
Woof,
Ella
March 31st, 2010 at 11:47 am
*snickers*
March 31st, 2010 at 11:57 am
Dear Ella,
If your legal representative is able to successfully obtain rights to filet mignon, I and the other canine resident of this household would be interesting in retaining him. I will watch this space to see how your case progresses. We may need to devise an alternate method of communication, as I detect that your humans are as reluctant as mine for this to happen.
Best of luck,
Lucy
(and Leo)
March 31st, 2010 at 1:41 pm
Those damn lawyers…can’t even keep their attorney client privilege! Love it! I too have a golden that would love some filet…I must keep her away from your dog and the computer.
March 31st, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Ha ha, nice!
March 31st, 2010 at 1:53 pm
dog farts are always appropriate
March 31st, 2010 at 2:14 pm
Well that didn’t take long! She’s already got ALL of you wrapped around her little (or not so little) paws!
March 31st, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Your girl and my girl are clearly in cahoots.
March 31st, 2010 at 3:13 pm
My dog won the suit and gets a little something something (ham-meatballs-lunchmeat-pot roast) from husband every morning. Resistance is Futile.
March 31st, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Give that poor bitch some filet!!
March 31st, 2010 at 6:10 pm
Dear Ms. Fitzgerald,
Please accept this offer of representation, pro bono. While your currency is extremely desirable, I’m afraid I’m currently overwhelmed with both big sloppy kisses and dog farts, both appropriate and not. Your current advocate has committed egregious acts and should be disbarked. Your humans shall immediately be served with a cease and desist re: the kibble and ordered to acquiesce to your demand for filet mignon, or an acceptable substitute immediately.
Regards,
The Dog Litigator
March 31st, 2010 at 8:57 pm
smart doggy. cute,too
March 31st, 2010 at 9:17 pm
A pro-bone-oh case, to be sure.
March 31st, 2010 at 9:31 pm
LOL…sneaky damn dog! Never trust that sweet and innocent look.
Mmmm, filet mignon…!
April 1st, 2010 at 7:01 am
Ha! Dear Sweet Ella, Pickles congratulates you on trying to find representation in this dire situation and ponders if this might help coerce her human, into taking her off an atrocious diet *Pickles whispers to her human – “you can keep giving me the garlic pills, me loves them.”
I do so love my dog, but I swear she understands way too much E.n.g.l.i.s.h. and I often find myself spelling things out. Thing is of late…I think she’s beginning to learn the meaning of quite a few spelled out words. Me thinks there is a conspiracy going around between dogs. (Hugs)Indigo
April 1st, 2010 at 10:32 am
LOL.
April 1st, 2010 at 12:08 pm
My cats could learn so much from Ella, alas they are sleeping.
April 1st, 2010 at 1:06 pm
Ha! My Dog and My Cat tag team in trying get visitors to adopt them.
April 1st, 2010 at 4:17 pm
Awww…Look at the face! Such a face! My cat NEVER writes me letters, she just makes long distance calls and uses up the minutes on my phone…
April 2nd, 2010 at 7:57 pm
Snort.
April 3rd, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Um, I am sooooo contacting her the next time I need a serious letter written.
She is wonderful.
And you’re not half bad yourself.
April 4th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
LOL!
April 4th, 2010 at 4:15 pm
That dog is trouble. You should get a restraining order NOW.
April 4th, 2010 at 8:56 pm
Time to confiscate that dog’s laptop.
April 5th, 2010 at 5:31 am
Too funny. She’s beautiful.
April 12th, 2010 at 1:09 am
Hi Ella,
Good luck on the quest for filet! Me, I’m lucky to get an occasional bit of chicken or corner off a slice of bread as a treat. My dachshund brother Jimmy gets pancreatitis so we both are on restricted diets. Really sucks the big one. I’m only 6 months old and still get carsick, but when I’m older, let’s hang out!
Love,
Toki
May 4th, 2010 at 9:08 am
Oh Ella is a beauty and smart as a whip that one. I vote for the filet for her, but then, I am a huge canne lover in fact, I suspect I might have been a dog in my past life…
Woof!