Yes
It is amazing, the things that are seen once a being snaps into consciousness. The wording that is used, the truth, the propaganda. How aware, how present, how annoyed or overjoyed you can be when you are finally awake.
Being in the now is a remarkable thing. However difficult to maintain, when the cozy arms of yesterday call to you, siren-like and familiar. Live here, be here, I am what you’ve known, I am who you are. Except, that it is no longer who I am. This last month has changed me in a very fundamental way.
I run the risk of sounding cruel and cold and maybe a little bitter by saying my next truth. But, I will say it anyway. I let some careless words from my careless father, create an endless-loop in my head of worthlessness. I have let some careless actions, from my careless father, determine my self worth. It is so inexorable, this link between father and daughter. It has taken me 35 years to realize two key points :
1) It was never about me and was always about him.
2) Opinions of dead men no longer count.
He was no perfect man, but he was also not solely evil. As most of us, his light and dark make up the storms of our personalities. We are all made of moon and stars and all of the black sky in between. What occurs now is my choice. What occurs now is my responsibility.
What occurs now is my storm, my sky, my moon, my stars. I cast my own shadows, I throw my own light. I am now, unabashedly, unapologetically, unequivocally, unafraid. What do I have to fear? If you don’t like me, you never did, you never will. I don’t need your approval to be whole. Love me, don’t love me, either way, my days will start and end as they always have.
I will not hide me, to please you.
I am where I am because right now, I am supposed to live in it, live through it and learn. I am not ashamed. My mistakes sometimes large, sometimes small, serve the purpose to edify. My Grandaddy wrote in the margins of his bible “does it edify?”. My new goal is to make sure that every single step, all words and actions, every thought can answer “yes”.
Yes.
June 5th, 2010 at 11:47 pm
My God woman. In every post I think ‘wow this chick is amazing’ and then you get even more amazinger.
Yes, you are wonderful and amazing and all of the words that mean variations of the theme.
June 5th, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Good god, woman, you’ve taken the last two years of my posts, and rewritten them much more eloquently, succinctly and believably (is believably a word?). You, my friend, may be made up sky, but you shine like there’s only stars and moons.
June 6th, 2010 at 12:02 am
To echo Terra and Kelley, you are amazing my friend.
I hope to one day gain the wisdom you already have.
June 6th, 2010 at 12:49 am
You rock my face off. Always have, always will. I am so glad we ran into each other again! I had no idea I missed you so much!
Live, my friend! Unabashedly!!
I love you.
xoxo
June 6th, 2010 at 6:04 am
you are so very smart
June 6th, 2010 at 6:22 am
This is fantastic. You have to live for yourself. And, yes, that can mean that you consider the feelings, needs, and desires of others, but at the end of the day, you are accountable to yourself. And then you can ask yourself, Did I edify? and hopefully the answer is yes.
LOVE you.
June 6th, 2010 at 6:46 am
yes, yes, yes, yes.
xoxoxo
June 6th, 2010 at 6:50 am
Ah, yes, my friend.
June 6th, 2010 at 7:57 am
I’m glad you don’t hide. A true blade, shining in the sun…
edify, my dear, you edify, ’cause I can testify, oh yes I can!
June 6th, 2010 at 8:08 am
I’m a broken record: you are amazing. xoxo
June 6th, 2010 at 8:44 am
That sounds like a very wise goal.
June 6th, 2010 at 8:51 am
Fuck yes!
June 6th, 2010 at 9:17 am
Casual, careless cruelty has a ripple effect through time. So easy for them to start that ripple, so hard for us to stop it.
Your #1 above is the key to it all.
June 6th, 2010 at 10:10 am
beautiful chica
June 6th, 2010 at 11:16 am
I think of careless, mean words as being like breaking a glass bottle – it happens so quickly, but sharp, cutting shards show up for a long time afterward, no matter how carefully you try to clean up.
I love seeing you live and grow.
June 6th, 2010 at 2:46 pm
yes.
June 6th, 2010 at 5:27 pm
and again, yes!
June 6th, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Sing it.
Beauty.
June 7th, 2010 at 4:44 am
the third to the last paragraph orates lifetimes of history. If only it were that easy, alas we must get over ourselves first (this last sentence directed at me not you).
June 7th, 2010 at 5:04 am
Amen.
June 7th, 2010 at 7:10 am
OMG! Absolutely yes! This resonates so much for me. The careless words from my careless mother. My life, my choices. Absolutely yes!
June 7th, 2010 at 8:45 am
I’m not going to say you’re amazing, because I don’t know you in real life. But you’re cool. And smart.
June 7th, 2010 at 9:23 am
I’m sitting here crying, realizing we share something so fundamental. I’ve had the chance to deal reasonably with the opinions of a living man and it’s helped, but at some point the toll is taken. And still, you’re very right — we live through it. I love your words. xo.
June 7th, 2010 at 10:37 am
yes I said yes I will Yes.
Yes.
June 7th, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Peace amidst the thunder, love. (or: you go on with yo bad self.)
June 8th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
And sometimes the opinons of live people don’t matter, either. I started using a similar personal mantra a few years ago, “This is not about me. This is not about me” in regards to lifelong critical others in my life, the criticism of which has escalated over the years. It has helped. Such a big help to distance myself from the criticism. The criticism is not me, does not define me, often has nothing to do with me. I can give myself the approval I desire and feel really good about it.
Ok, and now to look up the word “edify.”
June 9th, 2010 at 10:16 am
If only more people could come to your realization! Good for you – you’re awesome!
June 10th, 2010 at 4:26 am
I like your new goal. I also think I would have liked your Grandfather.
June 16th, 2010 at 5:31 pm
Gorgeous. I’ve been coming to these conclusions lately too. It’s a different journey than yours but arriving at some similar places and this was the perfect post to read today. I know I’m late coming to it, but it’s still perfect. Thank you.
June 18th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
amen.
June 18th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Wow, wow, wow. Can I add my own yes to the chorus?
June 19th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
Your ability to look inside and actually know what’s going on is mind blowing. Oh, and we won’t even talk about your ability to express it. Amazing.
July 10th, 2010 at 7:51 pm
Loved this. It is good to see you so strong and sure that the bullshit is not you. Your beauty rises above it here. In your language and honesty.