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You know what I like best about you? Shut up.

I’ve been in a cloud of funk for the better part of two and a half months.  In the midst of loss and mourning I’ve noticed two things:

Some people are wonderful.

Some people are mindless, vapid, ass boils.

There seems to have been some point where the universe decided to allow a glitch of evolution. That glitch allows for the dislodge or altogether lack of the filter between brain and tongue. Further, this chromosomal fuckupery results in a delusional sense of pride in said lack of tact. Declarations of pride follow the format similar to the following:

(says something assholesque) “Whoops, I have no filter!” (followed by a giggle and a half-assed apology for being a bung cap. Sometimes a quarter-assed apology, depending on the egregiousness of the offense.)

This, while annoying, can be forgiven because it does indeed contain an apology. Even if it is glossed over in a “aren’t I just so delightful with my lack of manners tee-hee-heeee” kind of fashion.

The ones that get me are those who are just flat-out chonchmouths, who have NO clue that they are total dillholes. I sense you begging me for an example. I shall provide.

“Oh wow, Christine, you’re really losing weight! I never noticed how pretty you are, I just always wondered how you did so much massage being overweight!”

My response, in my head: “So, basically you always thought I was an ugly fatass who was going to keel over in the middle of rubbing your naked ass, thereby stinking up my massage room like a beached whale? THANK YOU!!”

My response, from my mouth. “Thanks, I am working really hard to get the weight off.”

Because, you see, I maintain my filter. The person on the table? Clearly not so much and said person truly thought they were paying me a compliment.  Saying such a thing is terminally brave, when you have a big german girl standing over you with very pointy elbows.

43 Responses to “You know what I like best about you? Shut up.”

  1. Sybil Law Says:

    You should’ve just said, “I’ve never noticed you being pretty, either!”!
    What a fucknut.

  2. yogurt Says:

    Sorry people can be such pork-wads. I thought you were going to give examples of people stumbling over themselves to say something about your grief. People can say such unhelpful things at these times.

  3. Miss Grace Says:

    People are dicks. You are lovely. The end.

  4. Woolie Says:

    Don’t take their stupidity personally. Imagine what their lives must be like if this passes for a compliment in their world.

    As for the pretty part, I don’t think you’re pretty. I’ve always thought you were beautiful. Truth.

  5. Painted Maypole Says:

    honesty and tact do not have to live in separate worlds.

    thankfully, you’ve learned that, because it would probably really hurt your tips if you said what YOU were thinking.

  6. alejna Says:

    I think “chromosomal fuckupery” may be my new favorite expression. You have the best way with words. (This post made me smile, even though it made me wish that you had dug your pointy elbows into the offensively unfiltered one.)

  7. Bejewell Says:

    The best revenge is living well. And you have always been gorgeous. :)

  8. Zoeyjane Says:

    Please pretend to cry next time some jackwad says something like that. Pretend to cry and… just…. talk…. like… this.

    $5 says they tip you HUGE out of guilt. Call it asshole tax and don’t claim it to the IRS.

  9. Neil Says:

    I don’t even understand their comment. What does massage have to do with weight? I wonder if they would have said it if you were a burly Russian man, like the guys who give the best massages at the Russian bath house.

  10. Lu Says:

    It’s like what Gandhi Said, “Be the change you want to see in the World…” That moment when you decide how you will react and decide between the positive or negative, regardless of thought and instinct, the doing sets the tone – exerting control- As always, you rock my world with big love.

  11. meno Says:

    My standard answer to people who say, “OMG, How tall are you?” is “And how much do you weigh?”

    I guess i should stop that.

    Naw.

  12. Gwen Says:

    “chonchmouth.” I’m working that into my daily life. Also on the list: “bung cap” and “dillhole.”

  13. Lara Says:

    I despise those ass-hat types. Because, you know, they’re ass-hats.

  14. TigereyeSal Says:

    People are fecking stupid. I wish they would keep their judgements to themselves, since their opinion of you is not your business. Nor is their opinion of me any of my business. Besides which, ‘if you cain’t say nothin’ nice, then don’t say nothin’ at all”. And if yer stupid, then just shut the eff up, because your version of saying something nice is just fecking ugliness. Et cetera…

  15. Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo Says:

    My Grandfathers slut was like that (I LOVED my Grandfather, just hated the woman he left my grandmother for)

    She would give me chocolates for Christmas and then suggest I share them with everyone else and only have one because really should you be eating at all?

    Smile and wish really hard for their haemorrhoids to grow whiskers.

  16. Amanda Says:

    Umm, yeah, we make maps. You want I should show you how to fit an elbow up a dumb ass?

  17. Jaded Says:

    Yup.

    Just yup.

  18. jen Says:

    O.M.G.

    i get it now.

  19. Cold Spaghetti Says:

    My mission tomorrow is to work “vapid ass boils” into conversation. And when I do, I will raise a glass in homage to you and a finger towards the idiot(s) on your table.

  20. De Says:

    People. No matter how much you try to have faith in them – no, even more so when you try to have faith in them – they prove just how much they suck. I guess the payoff is that overwhelming feeling of surprise when they are occasionally awesome.

  21. Kelly @ Student of the Year Says:

    Oh my effin’ heck, that is one hell of an idiotic person. I would like to come in and personally elbow them in the sciatic nerve. Could I, please?

  22. Fran Says:

    I’ve long since known of your beauty but I have new respect for your restraint. Bless you for your grace.

  23. anymommy Says:

    Vapid ass boils was my favorite too. I think … people suck. And you also probably know the really sore spots in their backs. Hit it hard, possibly with that pointy elbow. oops. sorry.

  24. Stimey Says:

    Dude, people are idiots. Honestly, why do they think they can say things like this? I think you’re right, the worst part is that they are so clueless and have no idea what jackasses they are.

    Also, just so you know, I’ve always noticed how pretty you are.

  25. Laurie Says:

    You nailed it. I keep a list too. And I noticed how pretty you are.

  26. A Free Man Says:

    Good manners are massively underrated and far too uncommon.

  27. sadira Says:

    Um. I had a very hard time focusing after I read “…mindless, vapid ass boils.” Because I am terrified I will not be able to retain the exact phrasing of that so that I can use it in my head while I use my personal filter (i may write it down on my hand just to be safe)

    Hello?! YOU are beautiful…I saw that on day one when I popped over here and anyone that can’t see that immediately is most likely blind and threatened…back handed compliments are really awful aren’t they? I once had a good friend tell me when I got divorced that she was worried I wouldn’t find anyone else to marry or be with and if I did and then tried to get pregnant, that she was worried I was too old and couldn’t do it. So basically I’m an Old Undesirable Infertile Woman…There’s something to put in a dating website!

  28. sadira Says:

    PS I also enjoy long walks on the beach in the moonlight

  29. maggie, dammit Says:

    Lord have mercy.

  30. vodkamom Says:

    now THAT rant made me laugh. out loud. FOR A LONG TIME.

  31. vodkamom Says:

    Have I told you I love you lately?

  32. Dana Says:

    Will you go halves on a baby with me? I mean, really, I think I just fell in love with you…
    LMAO! Sisterly love woman… loving this really really loving this… (My favourite however, being that I have put on some weight is… ‘Wow… (followed by long pause), you look really healthy’.

  33. Shawna Says:

    I never think there are two types of people in this world. There are thousands more than that. And somedays I stick my foot in my mouth. Even though the intention to hurt was not there. Of course some people are just asshats.

  34. JCK Says:

    chromosomal fuckupery. Fucking brilliant. I believe you could patent this.

    It is mindblowing what people will say.

  35. Lisa Says:

    Gosh, who was that crazy idiot! Maybe it was my mother, she says stuff like that to me all the time!

  36. Jocelyn Says:

    Just so you know you’re not alone in the world: my mom, last year, reached over when she was visting and touched my leg. What she said was, “How interesting that you’re getting varicose veins when I’ve never had any.”

    We call that Mama Fuckupery.

  37. katiehaugheysr Says:

    When I stick my foot in my mouth (which happens to everyone from time-to-time. For me, mostly when I am nervous) I lose sleep over it even if it is a relatively minor offense. I really do. I lose sleep thinking about what I said, how I said it how it might have been taken and whether or how to fix it. If you go the apology route, the trick is to make your apology heartfelt and immediate. Going back after the fact can make it worse.

    Knowing that I do it – even with the best of intentions – reminds me to be more forgiving when it happens to me. I also try to talk somewhat less than I used to, which has cut down on my frequency of faux pas. All that said, some people – like your massage client – are just hopeless when it comes to this stuff and should be throttled.

    You write really well, by the way!!

  38. Denguy Says:

    Your response could have been physical, what with the pointy elbows and naked ass so close together.

  39. Carrie Says:

    We just can’t fix stupid can we?

  40. cathy Says:

    Well this is annoying. How am I going to remember all these great expressions and insults:(

  41. heidi Says:

    I love ‘fuckupery’. I am using that. :)

    Stupid people blow.

  42. Jenn Says:

    Oh, honey, you are freaking hilarious and beautiful. And really, you just can’t cure stupid people! I do have to admit, though, I actually did LOL and not LQTM (laugh quietly to myself) over this line: “Some people are mindless, vapid, ass boils” I am SO going to use that one!

  43. Dani Says:

    This made me laugh sooooo loud!!! Not a silent giggle but a straight forward guffaw. I used to have a sales guy where i worked that told me all the time “you have such a pretty face,” and then he’d go into this long spiel about how great it was to go work out at the gym and blah blah blah. I would mumble thanks while secretly visualizing kicking him in the nuts. I did finally break down and tell him what a douche bag he was and that I’m grateful that my husband loves my giant fat ass and how sorry I was that his perfect size 4 wife was leaving his oh-so perfect body for some guy she met on the internet! Keep the fantabulous words coming lady! BTW, i’m totally stealing fuckupery. Love it!!!

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