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Transitioning

I read about fantastical things. Places I’ve been and have never been, places I’ll never be. Vicariously sated in tiny increments. My footsteps haven’t touched enough exotic dirt.

Except in dreams. Even in nightmares, the most beautiful blood is pumped through my own ventricles. I am a luminous creature, reliving my undoing. Sleep comes in neat little packages, in between  the glittering moon and the morning light, slanted through my bedroom blinds.

Blindness is its own choice, isn’t it? I’ve chosen to be blind to many of my own needs and desires in trade for survival. That thing we do. That thing i do. Get up, wake up, brush off the night and carry on as if I am normal.

I am not normal. I am utterly abnormal in a glorious way. Why is it painful for me to embrace that? Painful, Like fire on the skin. What an annoying personality flaw.

I am clawing my way up from the rabbit hole and I feel every foothold. Every place I dig in to hold on, I leave a mark and it does, too. Indelible, incredible, inescapable. Maybe I wil hold on to some of what is me. Maybe I will leave it all behind in tiny pieces and paint myself something completely new. Some, stretching, graceful thing. Something tall and beautiful who wears her power like the jewels of coronation. Maybe I will fall int my own peace.

Or maybe, just maybe I will be loved enough to make it past this. I think I am.

25 Responses to “Transitioning”

  1. Slow Panic Says:

    Flutter, This is one of those posts that makes me kick myself for stepping away from blogging and reading blogs. I feel like you peaked into my head and my life and then wrote down what was happening.

    This is beautiful. Transitions are beautiful. We just have to embrace them and let them happen.

  2. De Says:

    You are loved. Telling each other this is something there can never be enough of. Thank you for the opportunity.

    I love you.

  3. Sayre Says:

    You ARE a rare and powerful creature. Keep climbing out of the rabbit hole, Alice. We are waiting for you.

  4. tysdaddy Says:

    I am not good at transitions. I long for a phoenix-style burning and then the requisite rising again.

  5. Zoeyjane Says:

    It might be a small line, but it’s one I hold onto: I’m good at being uncomfortable, so I can’t stop changing all the time. Fiona Apple. That chick knows all about transitions and nightmares and luminosity and and and.

    And to me, acceptance sometimes means not fighting it, or questioning it. Just seeing where it takes you.

  6. Sybil Law Says:

    Consider yourself loved enough just from this end alone.

  7. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah Says:

    You are.

  8. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah Says:

    You absolutely are.

  9. Irish Gumbo Says:

    Shine on, you luminous (beautiful) creature. Let’s see who you become :)

  10. TigereyeSal Says:

    You are not alone in your journey,and you are loved.

  11. Deb Says:

    I think so many of us become blind to help us survive. Vision has it’s price, but it’s well worth it. You are becoming you, who you always were, before.

  12. Painted Maypole Says:

    You ARE love enough. You are. Will you let us help you heal?

  13. Jess Says:

    I love this. Love it. Both for you and how it echoes in me. You are loved. More than enough.

  14. Deb @ San Diego Momma Says:

    You are absolutely glorious.
    Your strength and beauty in words never stop inspiring me.

    True story.

  15. vodkamom Says:

    I’m wondering. If we hold each other’s hands, can we climb up together?

    Let’s give it a go.

  16. Suzanne Says:

    We are all gods and goddesses … and we don’t even know it. We are all capable of amazing things, even if we have to go through some painful or difficult experiences to get there.

  17. TJ Says:

    Why am I just seeing this? You are so loved. You are so deserving. Sometimes you need a hand to lift you out of the rabbithole. How do I know? You’ve offered you own hand to me a million times. It’s time to rest and let one of the many people that love you share your load. Take my hand, my friend. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

  18. TwoBusy Says:

    Key phrase: “I am a luminous creature.”

    EXACTLY.

  19. Amanda Says:

    I love knowing that the things you find amazing about yourself are only half of what’s there. So much of what is wondrous about you, you don’t even see. One day I’ll have to show you all that is visible to the stranger’s eye.

    And honey, boy am I strange ;)

  20. Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo Says:

    Wow. I feel like this.

    I just don’t have the words.

    You have the words and they take my breath away.

  21. Jess Says:

    I am not normal. I am utterly abnormal in a glorious way. Why is it painful for me to embrace that? Painful, Like fire on the skin. What an annoying personality flaw.

    …it is painful because you do not embrace it. You do not embrace you. You write about loving and embracing yourself, but you hide and conform to a life that does not fit you. Live as you need and desire to live. You only have one life you get to live. Why waste it? What has changed with you? What or who is stepping on your wings?

    I have enjoyed your words for many years. You write beautifully. It is sad to see your writing is less than what it once was. Now you are hiding in your words. Live!

    just maybe I will be loved enough to make it past this….WHAT? Loved enough to move past what? Not being you! Sorry love you will never make it past not being true to you, no matter how much others love you.

  22. shaniqua the pizza flinger Says:

    @jess without a fragging URL: If you’ve read byflutter for “many years” you’d know better than to leave such a ridiculously low-brow, ignorant, and grammatically poor comment.

    You do not know this woman. You will never know this woman–this author. You can comment on the writing, but you will never know enough to make writing such a ludicrously self-indulgent, armchair therapist sort of remark justifiable.

    So, keep commenting you loathsome creature, but know this: your comments don’t count when you are anonymous. Based upon your poor execution of the English language, I’d guess that your writing would hardly be worth putting on display.

  23. JCK (Motherscribe) Says:

    I am utterly abnormal in a glorious way….

    I love that!

  24. Emily R Says:

    Utterly abnormal in a glorious way. I think I’ll tell people that from now on.

  25. Yo is Me Says:

    beautiful.

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