My archnemisis, the Altima
It will surprise you to know (or maybe it won’t) that The Boy and I live in a very nice part of town. We aren’t too hoity toity, however, since we rent and do not own.
But we do rent in a nice community and live on the second level, with indoor stairs. These, actually
We walk in through our attached garage. It’s a beautiful thing. It almost makes me feel like a real grown up.
Enter the downstairs neighbors.
We’ve had about 437 different neighbors since we’ve moved in. They have ranged from the absurd to the wonderful. We had a man and his son, who would watch movies on their big screen, surround sound TV at such an ear rattling decibel that I was certain someone was landing a plane on my head. We had someone who lived in the apartment for precisely 2 weeks. They managed to destroy the blinds and spill paint in their garage…but we never heard a peep from them.
Then we had the most wonderful neighbors. The kind you bake cookies for, the kind who are lovely and considerate and come to check on you if they haven’t seen you in a few days. A death in the family took them out of the state.
Which brings us to the current tenants of level one. Bastards.
The tenants of level one have dogs. Dogs who, despite my (almost inappropriate) love of dogs leave me going fetal in want of them to just shut the fuck up. Dogs who seek to defecate on any and every possible surface. Dogs who can piss, bark, barf, and be annoying simultaneously. They are the fur riddled spawns of satan, these dogs. And? They are the canine incarnation of my neighbors.
The Mr, of level one and I have a competition of sorts, revolving around our snugly adjoined garages. The Mr, tall and leathery from years of smoking and overconsumption of all manner of preservatives, opens his garage door at precisely the same time I do, every morning. From there it is all testosterone and will that determines who gets out of their garage first.
One of which I am lacking, but which I make up for in bitchitude. Just ask him, he’ll tell you.
This morning was like all the others, with a twist, as I started my go-kart (re:PT Cruiser), I heard him start his silver Altima to a chorus of whining dog barks. Our garage doors went up, and he revved his engine. In the garage. He revved his engine.It’s not the Autobahn, people it’s a GARAGE.
Oh, game on SUCKER!
While he was busy setting about the business of intimidating me with his giant schlong big engine, I, in turn whipped out of my garage full speed reverse. I saw his reverse lights ablaze as I lurched forward behind his car, my glorious pig of a car, snorting in all of her glory. His eyes narrowed in the rearview mirror. I blew him a kiss and closed my garage door.
Victory was mine. Until tomorrow, Altima, until tomorrow.
March 10th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I drive a fast car or at least one with potential, because I’m such a granny driver.
But young punks pull up next to me, see my turbo scoop, and rev. It’s hilarious, what with my kids in the car. Sometimes I just have to give in and blow them away.
(And those dogs sounds horrible to me!)
March 10th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
LOL. I would so totally be all “GAME ON” with him, too.
Thanks for the giggle.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Right on Flutter! Big engine = tiny penis.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Oh, that is very funny! Living with neighbors can be a real challenge since most of them have some curious personality characteristics.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
you get ‘em, gurrrl. one day when you’re rich and famous i’ll remind you of the days when you drove an underpowered American vehicle. we’ll laugh. can you see us? laughing. yes, laughing at the traffic light just before we make a left into Fashion Square. in the Cayenne Turbo S that you bought me after you became rich and famous.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
That’s lame. Maybe he watches Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift every morning.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Have you thought about backing into the garage, thereby making your egress even more stylish and ass kicking?
Are these big dogs or little dogs? I can learn to tune out MOST large dog barking — something about the bass, I’m sure — but little dog barks drive me freakin’ insane. We’ve 2 across the street, whom we call Yip and Yap. The owners don’t walk them, just let them out the front door to do their business unattended. Because small dog shit is made of sunshine and leprechaun kisses? WTF? Anyway Yip is white, and Yap is grey. So depending on the season one of them in perfectly camouflaged with the road. The road where they linger oblivious to traffic. How they have survived five years I’ll never no. But one of these days I — and my big SUV — are gonna get lucky.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
there’s nothin’ like kicking a guy’s ass when you are behind the wheel. (i hope this comment does not make you gag.)
March 10th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Go Flutter, go Flutter!
I know you’re way cooler than him, even if he beats you tomorrow morning. But the kiss? The piece de resistance!!
March 10th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
you go girl. You just know he is compensating. Make sure you give him the universal sign for tiny penis when you win in the morning.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
you go girl.
March 10th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
That’s hilarious… i agree with backing into the garage if you can get turned around to back in. As for the dogs, can you complain to code enforcement or animal control? Are there other neighbors close enough to make it plausible for someone else to have complained?
Just give him a great big smile and wave every morning.. regardless of who wins.. that will probably make him even crazier.
LOL @ alpha and her SUV gettin lucky
March 10th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Oh, oh, OH!
I laughed my ass off, girl!
I love it when you kick ass.
Oh – I DO hope you were wearing Jackie-O sunglasses and a scarf; for that classy bitch touch.
Grrrrr! Many barking dogs is NOT good apt./condo ettiquette. Never see a CAT barking or keeping the neighbors up. (unless its the neighborhood stray looking for some nookie!)
March 10th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
What a riot! I wish I could be a fly on the *garage* wall some morning!
March 10th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Oh my god, you’re so funny!
March 10th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Sweetie, we’ve obviously never met, but I can *so* see you doing this. You rock!! Kick some ass girlfriend.
March 11th, 2008 at 1:29 am
joker says would you like him to wee in a jar and post it to you so you can pour it on the noisy dog neighbours?
March 11th, 2008 at 3:17 am
YES! You’ve got some ball-joints PT!
March 11th, 2008 at 3:49 am
It’s so nice to start your day in victory, no? Just think, it all probably went down hill from there for Mr. Downstairs Neighbor. Now I’m sort of jealous about all that competition you get to have so early in the morning. I’m a fiercely competitive person, I’d just love this type of ‘game on’ stuff.
March 11th, 2008 at 4:39 am
That last paragraph made me laugh out loud!
glorious pig of a car – HA!
Good luck this morning…
March 11th, 2008 at 5:08 am
yeah, slipping out while he tries to enlarge his stature…MUAHAHAHA
March 11th, 2008 at 5:28 am
You are awesome! What a great way to start my morning…thanks for the laugh!
March 11th, 2008 at 5:34 am
I’m glad most can find the humor here. Lord, oh God, did I hate living with neighbors. Eeew.
March 11th, 2008 at 5:35 am
“overconsumption of preservatives” hee! (now I’m off to remove all such offending items from my pantry before I jump in my Altima and wake up my neighbors with a loud engine roar).
March 11th, 2008 at 6:07 am
Now THAT was funny. Neighbors can be a bitch sometimes, or a bastard, as the case may be. Im currently dealing with crazy old cat lady. I have a small colony of stray cats living in my back yard thanks to the ongoing efforts of the afore mentioned lady to feed Every.Single.One.Of.Them.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:08 am
Yeah, baby! How do ya feel now, neighbour! I knew it: flaccid.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:14 am
*Snort* – Thanks for the amusing story for my morning. I needed something to take the edge off this a.m.
March 11th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Go, gurl!
March 11th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Aw, yeah. Everyone the PT in PT Cruiser stands for SHITKICKER.
March 11th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Good for you! Man I hate guys like that.
March 11th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Wow, you have balls. I’d just be content to glare from afar and spew all my hatred on my blog only. You go get that evil-Nissan-driving person, you.
March 11th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Oh yeah, game on for sure. I’m with Alpha…back into the garage tonight. That’ll throw him. I love that you’re like this! Because I so am, too.
You should keep a running score in your sidebar. What?
March 11th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Dude. You, not him. Him dweeb.
March 11th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Bwhahahaa. I’m so with you on this!
March 11th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Every person’s nightmare! My neighbors are selling and now we are back to scouting out who goes to the open house. I already told a “questionable guy” with a loud friggen motorbike that a cop lives on the other side of the house for sale. He thanked me! YES!! (Not that there’s anything wrong with a motorbike of course!)
March 11th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Hee hee ~ you kick ass, m’friend
March 11th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Shame you didn’t manage to hit a dog on your way out. (I’m only joking. I love dogs very much, all dogs, even the ones that shit on my doorstep. Honest.)
But god I hate bad neighbours. One of ours hates us (angry man, likes to shout, little schlong) and tried to run over my boyfriend once. Every day I battle with the urge to scoop up the (obscenely large) dog shit from our street and pop it through his letter box.
Go Flutter! Vroom vroom!
March 11th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Hilarious! Glad you won! Agree with all who said to back in at night. Up the stakes. Make him obsess. HE will run over his OWN dog as he’s trying to win! I like the running score on a sidebar idea, too.
March 11th, 2008 at 11:25 am
That will teach him to mess with you sista!
How is it that I have never seen this blog before? You are an absurdly good writer – I just added you to my feeder.
March 11th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Congrats on today’s victory!! You should have one of the dogs waive a checkered flag in the morning race as well…it would be so much more festive!! (as long as it didn’t manage to leak it’s bodily fluids on it)
March 11th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
You’re so my kinda gal! Oh, I LAUGHED! Congrats on the win. Hope you’re successful again tomorrow!
March 11th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
You are awesome.
And the old PT Cruiser is nothing to sneeze at. I used to zip around town in one of those, too. My only complaint, besides the blind spots, was when I found out that “PT” stood for “personal transportation.” The Personal Transportation Cruiser.
March 11th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
LOL…too funny!
March 11th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Hilarious!
March 11th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
I feel pretty lucky right now. The only thing my neighbor is guilty of is really poor taste.
March 11th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Shut UP this was funny. Gah – just what I needed to read.
Game on, indeed.
March 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Dontcha just love the expression “spawn of Satan”?
March 11th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
OH! OH! OH! (can you tell I am channeling Arnold Horshack?) Anyway! When my car took a crap last week? My friend Joan gave me her PT Cruiser to drive. What a fun, peppy little ride that is. I loved that car. I hope you love it too. It is such a perfect choice for you, I’m thinking. What color? And I’m thinking that I know Altima man. I’m thinking he used to be our upstairs neighbor. Kick his ass.
March 11th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Oh, this had me giggling so hard. This is something I would have absolutely done.
Although we’re moving soon, right now we have some very strange neighbours. Unfortunately they are the passive aggressive type, which I have recently started reciprocating… It’s probably a good thing we’re moving soon.
March 11th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Time to haul out those fab red stilettos. Clearly he doesn’t know who he’s taking on!
March 11th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
This was hysterical!
March 12th, 2008 at 6:46 am
Awesome victory!
Owning your own home doesn’t necessarily dictate better neighbors. Case in point, the people who live across the street have a retarded son, who’s now probably in his 40s. We call him Rakeman (I know, heinous and intolerant, but whatever). He rakes the leaves out of the tree, and during the fall spend all day…ALL DAY…blowing leaves with a jet pack. The din from it can make for a loooooong day. And when it snows, he starts shoveling at 2AM to get a jump on it. With a snow blower. Just in case you wanted to sleep. And sometimes, when the weather permits, he just stands out at the mailbox and swears at every one that passes by. Good times.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:06 am
oh blech. kick his stupid altima ass flutter….
March 12th, 2008 at 10:13 am
SUCKER!!!!!!!! good show.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
he sounds like an ass.