Things I’ve learned
caffeine jacks with my sugar, more than sugar does
I should never eat cucumbers en masse. Just trust me on this one.
There are some things that I didn’t think were important to me, that totally are.
That fact bugs the shit out of me.
I have an artist’s eye and none of the skill
I want people to like me
I don’t know why I want people to like me
That fact also bugs me
I feel that the quality of my writing is slipping
all the while I am just trying to get a shitty first draft, down on paper
when I have panic attacks, it is like the world is hyperspeed
I don’t want The Boy to see me have one, ever
if I would just learn to love me, I could have all the things I want
those desperate things that keep moving just an inch out of my grasp
16 years of living with the same pain is too long
but I haven’t quite figured out how to get the fuck over it, already
I am struggling, and this is damned hard
fake it til you make it only works if the smile reaches your eyes, too
but most people don’t care enough to look you in the eye
It is getting really fucking hot.
I have cramps.
I love The Boy more than I thought was possible. So much it hurts. I always have, even when I was being completely idiotic.
I just want to fly
May 1st, 2008 at 11:46 am
But you do fly, my dear.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:53 am
spread your wings and catch the wind baby, its there
May 1st, 2008 at 11:57 am
I like you.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:59 am
I heart you. The boy hearts you. I’ve never met him, but I know.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I treasure these thoughts and words.
But wanted to check that you do know, don’t you, that you never get all the things you want. It’s how life keeps us chasing it down. I suspect even the learning to love oneself might be part of that… and remember that you do love yourself to love someone else — so much that it hurts. sigh. every so lucky to have that, both of you
May 1st, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Maybe you don’t get the fuck over it; maybe you learn to live with it in a way that is powerful and affirming instead of damning.
Oh, and cucumbers: this I understand, too.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Hon… you fly higher and stronger than most that I know. You’re doing better than you think. Much love.
Tessa
May 1st, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Everybody wants to be liked. Even curmudgeonly ole me. It’s human nature.
Your writing is most definitely not slipping, but I understand the feeling. I feel like that on a regular basis. I think it’s an occupational hazard, this kind of self-doubt. I bet all the great writers, at some point, thought they sucked donkey balls.
Frankly, I think you’ve done amazingly well considering what you’ve been through. You’re stronger than you think.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
…and I love watching you. Because you are, flutter. Maybe faltering here and there, maybe swooping a little too low or not quite catching the wind where you need it, but you’re flying.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Would it help if I said I know how you feel? That loving oneself is ten times as hard as loving someone else?
For what’s it’s worth, I think you’re fabulous.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Lotta hard lessons there.
Maybe flying is a little bit like swimming: if you try too hard, you just thrash around and sink. Just be ready to catch the air, and let the current do the lifting.
{you}
May 1st, 2008 at 12:33 pm
i love this. because even if there are some hard issues here, there’s also a ton of hope. and that’s what i’m going with today. because the cursed cramps will kill me otherwise.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:51 pm
We all want people to like us… don’t feel bad about that.
But I’ll always like you, just in case
May 1st, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Don’t worry about having a panic attack in front of the boy. The fact that he can handle it will make you guys even stronger. Believe me.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Oh flutter, once again, I hang on each of your words – so poetically written.
“I have an artist’s eye and none of the skill. ”
*WRONG-O*.
Do you read your own writing? Case and point my friend.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:26 pm
“I have an artist’s eye and none of the skill”
I have never read a sentence that I felt was more true of me…
May 1st, 2008 at 1:49 pm
You’ll fly, in the way you long to, one day. This I know.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:53 pm
that love thing, that’s the whole ticket
May 1st, 2008 at 1:53 pm
How hot does it get there in the summer? I shudder to think.
I wish you could see in yourself what we all see. You are an amazing woman.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:11 pm
loving yourself is possibly overrated (please do not send hate mail). i hate that i want people to like me too. oh, you know what i mean already.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Things you need to realize:
You are well liked. Loved, even.
You are an incredibly talented writer.
Why eat cucumbers when there is frosting? Use splenda.
You’ll be over it when you are over it.
There are good reasons why you aren’t.
May 1st, 2008 at 5:07 pm
ox
May 1st, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Try some raspberry leaf tea. It won’t help you fly, but it should ease the cramps a little bit.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Me too. Heart you that is.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:15 pm
dood, i just found out you’re speaking at blogher! that’s soooo cool! i’m totally jealous and will be there loving you from the audience.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:32 pm
You fly every time you write something this beautiful.
Oh, and the artist’s eye and none of the skill? That’s why I’m a photo EDITOR.
Cucumbers are baaaad news.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Sending a hug and be thankful you’re not here because the smell of dog farts is making my eyes water:)
May 1st, 2008 at 7:22 pm
What a great list…I would think that learning these things about you would give you wings indeed…
May 1st, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Hey! I have cramps too. Does this mean I’m synched up with one of my favorite bloggers?
Other than that, I love your list!
May 1st, 2008 at 7:52 pm
You’re speaking at BlogHer? Now I really am going to cry that I’m not going. Sucks. Bad. Sucks very bad indeed.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:46 pm
I like you.
(And yeah, I want to be liked, too. And don’t like it that I want to be liked. Why should I care? But I do.)
May 1st, 2008 at 8:46 pm
You should give The Boy the honor and privilege of seeing you in a panic attack, and I’m not joking. You would be letting him in. You would be allowing a new level of intimacy. Maybe the healing starts with letting one person–not the whole world, necessarily–really, really see you.
May 1st, 2008 at 9:01 pm
i want you to fly too. (and i hate that i’ve learned things i didn’t realize are really very important too)
May 1st, 2008 at 9:28 pm
homygod.
a few things.
MAN! if ppl. could respond to MY blog like they are to yours……..
that would ROCK!
this supportive & accepting.
instead; i have a lot of *shy*, non-commentors. oy.
secondly:
thank you for writing this
i feel less alone
these words (most of them) could’ve come out of my own mouth.
May 1st, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Some things are only done when they are done and sometimes things are just bad and we can say it and maybe know that there is comfort together.
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:17 am
It IS getting really fucking hot.
Let me know when you want to get together again, especially if you’re dying to get together with someone else who wants people to like her.
Oh, and you know I do like you. Does that help?
The quality of your writing is not slipping. At least let go of that one worry.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:41 am
Is it spring that propels us all to this feeling of being ten steps ahead of ourselves, rushing panic driven cucumber eating Spring? I hear you today. Everything seems slightly out of my control right now too and I’m trying to breathe deeply and call it back to a normal space. And my writing is suffering, a busy brain does not make for quiet, thoughtful introspection.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:57 am
Things I have learned -
you are infinitely and irresistibly likeable.
People, dozens and dozens of people like you. Love you even. And probably a whole lot more that are too shy to say.
The people who won’t look you in the eye don’t deserve to see the beauty and intelligence that lies there.
You write with a grace, passion and diginity.
Your skill as a writer outstrips that of almost everyone I have read. I read a lot.
Flying is scary, it’s easier to stay on the ground. You have the bravery and the courage to learn to fly. No matter how hard it is.
You will fly.
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:46 am
Do you think its the season – because I’m feeling like a lot of this too.
I think you ARE an artist, whether you paint with words or with a medium – and every artist knows what its like to hit those heinous dry spells – anyone who doesn’t have those periods of unfruitfulness; well, I think they’re full of shit and lack substance. Hang in there – your groove will be back.
You are always infinitely loveable – and my friend, no matter what.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:03 am
What I like about this post: You are getting it down and honoring your emotions for what they are.
Do not deny those emotions. Feel them and have your breakthrough moment.
You are loved and we want to see you soar.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:01 am
Fake it till you make it only works if the smile reaches your eyes too.
Which, like, it totally never does. Not really.
Most people don’t care enough to look you in the eye.
You’ve got that right.
Moral of the story: faking it til you make it is a bunch of shit, I don’t care who coined the term and how many zillions of people buy into and practice it.
One thing I have learned: I am who I am and that’s what matters.
Oh, and you have one HELLuva nice ass.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:16 am
Hey, I like you. And I want people to like me, too. What sort of person doesn’t want to be liked?
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:50 am
we’ve been over this. ((hugs))
does it make you feel any better to know that your 30 year old daughter is just as neurotic?
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
honey, let’s fly together. hell, lets SOAR.
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Sweetiepie, you do love yourself or you wouldn’t be doing the work. I think the trick is learning to have the confidence to love yourself more.. enough to stop being afraid of hurting.. which is an ironic cause and effect because it’s the very thing that makes you hurt I think.
We all want people to like us. Look at your comment count – we all like you. And I’m pissed I can’t go to Blogher when I live so damned close because I would love the chance to meet you in person. So there.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Switch to English cucumbers sweetie. They are a bit more pricey, but they didn’t give you that wonderful side effect I think you had.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
You fly on some days. Crash on others. We all do. Hang in there. Sounds like you’re building yourself a parachute.
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Writing quality always seems to ebb and flow. And I envy the deep love you feel.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Thanks for your honesty. This list touched me because I can so relate to it. Not sure how I landed on your blog, but I’m glad I did.
May 3rd, 2008 at 4:39 pm
I suspect you’ve always been pretty fucking hot, though mayb you haven’t always given yourself permission to be…and there I go ending yet another sentence with a preposition. Damn.
Okay read the list again, you said it is really getting pretty fucking hot, not you were getting pretty fucking hot. Nonetheless, I like my misread better, so I think I’ll just roll with it