Therapy Notes: Mind, body and haircuts
I get my knickers in a twist sometimes. It is no wonder that I have landed in the hands of a mental health professional. After looking at the trip we took to the botanical gardens, I freaked out about my hair. I. FREAKED. OUT.
I mean, my hair! It was so BLAH. Not at all like a proper dark & divine fluttery creature. I came to the decision that I needed it to change, like immediately. So now? I am sporting this:
Pardon the schnozz.
It was with this new haircut that I arrived, at the physical therapist at 6:30 am. She, being entirely too energetic for such an ungodly hour, fluffed her hands into my hair, with a chirpy “Cute!”.
Then she proceeded to torture me. Good torture, with gentle hands and kind intent. She, poised above me as I lay, face down. She, digging her fingers and elbows into my very injured low back. In through my nose and out through my mouth I breathed in the smell of a studio, geared towards alleviating pain by causing more.
We joked as she did her work, my body giving in to her demands. I fought back tears, not brought from pain, but from memory. Memories of why and how I came to be in this place. Muscles remember. Sometimes better than we do. Sometimes they remember long past the expiration date. It is time for my muscles to forget, through this fresh soreness they gain a gateway to now.
Later in the day, my back still yelling in subtle protest, I sat on the familiar slate-blue leather of his couch. He looked at the total of my depression inventory.
27! Criminy!
“Criminy? What is this, 1940? That was a very vodeeodo, kind of word.”
He smiled at me, getting serious in the eyes.
You’re better than this. Seriously, you are. What is eating you?
I hugged the pillow to me and chose my words carefully. Joking, evading, obfuscating. He bought none of it. So I spilled, as I always do, yet managing dry eyes and some self deprecation.
So your options are, leave things the way they are and find a way to deal. Or, make the changes you want to make and let me help you change them. He is a part of your life, too Christine. You are missing a major opportunity to get what you need by not leaning on your guy.
I nodded, starting to feel choked up. So I just continued to nod.
Or you could just write this all off as the ramblings of an instigating shit head.
I laughed, out loud.
“So if in this process, I totally go batshit, do you make in hospital visits?”
Only if the walls are rubber and you don’t fling your shit at me.
“Check. No monkey behavior, and bouncy walls.”
You won’t go crazy by being human. You are letting him help you in a way that only he can. He loves you, Christine. I don’t know him but I know that. There is nothing in your head that will stop that. I mean really, I would know. You two have been through more than most people go through together. Stop being strong and just be. He will be there.
He will, The Boy, he always has been.
It’s apparently taken an instigating shit head, to make me realize that I don’t need to try to talk him out of being here. I deserve him. The best I can do for him, is to do the best I can for me.
May 10th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I could use a good physical therapist, too; many kinks in my back that should have attention, before the next melt down. I used to use ‘Criminy’ a lot in years past. Didn’t Radar O’Rielly used that work a lot in M*A*S*H*? I think its exciting and positive that in this therapist session, you accomplished important things. Getting your money’s worth and feeling better, that’s great! Have a good weekend!
May 10th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Oh yeah, your new ‘cut’ IS cute!
May 10th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
i’ve said it before, but i love your therapist.
and, cute hair!
May 10th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Don’t look under the couch, cuz I’m there listening in on this guy/leaning conversation. What I learned in my last relationship is don’t lean, don’t reveal, be strong cuz otherwise they see what they don’t want and leave… So when, how much, how does it work? I’m curious. I’ll stay tuned. (Maybe the answer is in the guy, hmmm? The WRONG guy leaves, the right guy stays.)
May 10th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
you’re right, you do deserve him. and he will be there. because if he wouldn’t be there for you, HE wouldn’t deserve YOU.
also, the hair? precious.
May 10th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Love the new swingy haircut; very nice.
(And I don’t see any rubbery walls in your future. It’s going to be ok.)
May 10th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Love your cute new do. I’m glad you’ve got this instigating shit head, because honey, you deserver your Boy and SO much more.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Love the new hair!
That (wonderful) instigating shithead seems to know his stuff. You’d better listen to him.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
oOOHHH, Cute hair.
And smart you.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
You look adorable! I am currently in hair limbo myself.
May 10th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
“I deserve him.”
That line made me stand and applaud. You deserve him and you deserve so many other good things.
The hair is dark and DIVINE.
May 10th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
You’re hair looks great! And again I say I have therapist envy….
May 10th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Love the hair and love the words at the end of the post. You got it all going on.
May 10th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
First – Cute Hair!
Second – good lesson… by taking care of ourselves, we become better caretakers and partners… such a simple, yet tough lesson to learn.
May 10th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Ooh. Very bobby. I like it.
Also I like your therapist. I think I have a crush on him. Tell me: does he look like Colin Firth? I have this mental image: he looks like Colin Firth and he wears nubby wool jumpers and he smells like pine trees in early morning? No? Not at all right? Well does he at least have an English accent?
And, yes you deserve the Boy. He is worthy. Don’t let him escape back to that gated community of his youth. Or to the rubber room.
May 10th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
I love your new look! It made me laugh, too, because I got my hair cut on Friday and it’s the exact same length as yours. I love it, it’s so bouncy!
May 10th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
kalil gibran wrote about roots and fruits – you have to take so someone else can give. its all about balance. taking is harder than giving but just as necessary. you can do it gal.
May 11th, 2008 at 12:01 am
amen.
May 11th, 2008 at 12:16 am
Your hair does look very good that way. As for the rest, as Liv said… amen .. I’m glad you are coming to see that allowing him to give to you is giving to him which is giving to you which is giving to him… you see what I mean?
May 11th, 2008 at 5:56 am
with your hair shorter, i’m that much closer to seeing your brains. fuck, was that out loud?
May 11th, 2008 at 6:39 am
that Boy is a keeper. you know it, too.
May 11th, 2008 at 6:51 am
that boy is a keeper.
love the hair.
keep up all that damn good work. damn stupid lemons.
May 11th, 2008 at 6:54 am
It’s so damn hard to share the burden with others, and there seems to be different expectations of sharing for both sexes. It think women need to share more than men.
nice cut. I’m too lazy to get mine trimmed.
May 11th, 2008 at 8:49 am
but oh, oh…leaning is the hardest part of all.
the most. ever.
May 11th, 2008 at 9:10 am
I love the haircute – it looks great on you.
And I love the last line – that looks great on you too.
May 11th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
It is hard when you are so used to propping yourself up, sweets. And I love the hair!
May 11th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Yes. The deserving. I was talking about the deserving just last week with my therapist.
What is it with not feeling deserving anyhow….
May 11th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Just want you to know that I’ve spent a while this afternoon reading back archives of your blog and that I could not leave without saying that I am truly blessed to have had the chance to read your story. Your strength, wit and courage are amazing and the fact that you share yourself so openly is inspiring. While in some ways I can’t imagine the places you have had to walk through, your relationship with your father is something we definitely have in common. I feel in between a stranger looking through the window into your life, and a friend who feels your hurt. Weird, huh? Anyway, I’m looking forward to visiting back again. — p.s. your hair is adorable!
May 11th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
I do these kinds of things too! I often wonder why I lose respect for people…..just for loving me…when I am so open to encouraging love for others! CRAZY!
Love the new do….by the way!
May 11th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
I love your new haircut! You are so funny, just like me – one minute we’re fine with our hair and the next we’re heading to the salon, or grabbing the nearest pair of scissors and making big changes (I colored mine last week because Brett found 2 gray hairs on my head as he was standing above me at baseball).
You’re just adorable, anyway.
May 11th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Such a sassy, fun haircut. Suits you.
And absolutely no flinging of poo. (That’s of my kids favorite phrases. We warped).
Be well, flutter.
May 11th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
LOVE the hair! And the Boy. And the therapist.
You have a great week in store for you. Just pair that haircut with those killer heels.
May 11th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
cute hair!
my boy, I always doubted him too, but when I finally dropped the ball he stepped up in ways I never would have imagined.
let him.
May 11th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
It’s so good to read that you see that you deserve someone good. I hope he is as good as I think he is. You DO deserve it. And the hair is so light…do you find you move differently with different hair…like it’s drawing you to act differently…can be so fun
May 11th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
You deserve him, for sure. And I love that therapist.
Think about from Your Boy’s perspective: when you don’t let him in, you’re rejecting him. What on earth has he done to earn your rejection?
May 12th, 2008 at 6:33 am
You are so fooking gorgeous.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Good for you! Sounds like it was a productive theraputic week all the way around. Oh, and I love love love the new haircut!
May 12th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
You deserve him. Oh, yes you do. Love the hair, beautiful chicky.
You’re working so hard in therapy. And on your life. That is so tremendous.
I used to be a massage therapist. We spent some time in training re: muscle memories and dealing with clients who might be set off unexpectedly by touch. The body/mind connection is very powerful. It is really great that you are doing both talk therapy and physical for your healing.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
You look so purdy!
And I often feel like I don’t deserve my husband – but they picked us, right?
May 12th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
But flinging poo is very therapeutic…
ahem…
or so I hear.
Yeah.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Your hair looks Fabu! Then again, so does your schnozz…The therapist is right you know. Why is it so hard to let people help? How do you begin to do that?
May 12th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
“It’s apparently taken an instigating shit head, to make me realize that I don’t need to try to talk him out of being here. I deserve him. The best I can do for him, is to do the best I can for me.”
HECK YEAH!!!!!! Damn straight!!! This is a serious breakthrough, doncha think? Go love that guy, and let him love you. Amen and amen.
And your hair, dawling, is fab.
Didn’t even notice a schnozz problem, silly girl.
May 12th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Have just read seven posts to catch up.
[Missed you, my bad.]
I love the hair and even more, I love you deserving him.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
[Deep breath of relief.]
I’m so glad you believe it. I do.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
And on a more superficial level, your PT was right. “Cute!”
May 13th, 2008 at 4:24 am
Yes Ma’am, and you’ve got two rock solid guys there for you in this wild world and that is lucky, one the therapist and one the Boy. This is two more than most have!
May 13th, 2008 at 5:39 am
You look beautiful. I hate it when I know just what I want them to do with my hair, and it doesn’t happen.
When we have a place to put down roots, that doesn’t hinder us, it give us nourishment. I think that place for you is the Boy.
May 13th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Actual quote from early in my relationship with J: “Emily, why do you keep trying to convince me to break up with you?”
Sometimes, we don’t realize what we deserve.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Darling, your hair is divine.
I need to chop off my hair too. It is calling out to me: Chop me, chop me! I dare you!
May 14th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
I love the new ‘do.
And I love that you know you deserve him because you do. And he deserves you, too! And that, m’dear, is a beautiful thing!
May 16th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
[...] He hates it when I say that and his body language makes it more than a little apparent. Arms cross over his chest, eyes narrow and invariably, the air conditioning shuts off. The room turns sweltering and uncomfortable and he chastises me with his presence. Instigating shit head. [...]