Therapy Notes: Intimacy
“I don’t know.”
He hates it when I say that and his body language makes it more than a little apparent. Arms cross over his chest, eyes narrow and invariably, the air conditioning shuts off. The room turns sweltering and uncomfortable and he chastises me with his presence. Instigating shit head.
“Ok fine, I do know but I hate saying it out loud, is that better?” Obstinate. Childish. Vintage Christine circa 1990.
No, it’s not better, because you need to say it. You need to say it here. Now. Say it.
An eye roll. A huff. “Fine. Fine! I need his help and I am scared to ask for it.”
That isn’t what you need to ask. What does asking for help mean?
“Please love me, I need your help and I am afraid.”
There we go. Why is that so scary? Fear is bullshit. It’s fantasy. It’s us making up things that haven’t happened yet to hypothetical situations that we have talked ourselves out of confronting because we are afraid. See? Nasty cycle.
“I guess I am so used to protecting. To shoving away my authentic total self…….I would love to see what my total authentic self is.”
It’s beautiful.
“That’s sweet. to. say.”
Yeah, because I don’t actually mean it, I am just saying it…
“That isn’t what I meant.”
Well, it’s obviously because I can’t possibly have seen any of your authentic self in the time we’ve spent here?
“Thank you for the compliment, Shrink.”
Thanks for being someone worthy of a compliment. You’re welcome.
I sat back, realizing that all my muscles had been balled up in little knots. He is infuriatingly intense, sometimes. Never ever breaking eye contact, while I fervently search every inch of the room for another place to look. In this level of directness, he is very much like The Boy. If I can be this sprawled out with the Shrink, I can with The Boy, right?
You’d think.
But in this newly stuffy room, with the horrid decor, the stone lady, the smoked windows and the paid professional- I am fearless. I don’t worry about how he feels. I don’t worry how he will take things that I say. I don’t worry if I look like an idiot, or a fool, or a heretic. Or crazy.
That one little word. Five letters I have been fending off, I thought, successfully. Yet how crazy is it that I can tell this person everything, and ask for advice on how to tell the man who holds my whole heart, the same things? How I want that intimacy so bad it invades my dreams, my writing, my body, my tastebuds?
That I want him to love me. All of me, yet I am afraid. That I want to go balls to the wall honesty 100%, yet my bag of nuts is remarkably mixed. That these things that have happened and the choices I have made have made me outwardly poker faced and inwardly tender. How I want to place every last piece of that in his hands and see what happens.
How I trust him, but fear that the load is too great.
Fear is bullshit.
At least that’s what the Shrink says.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
I am increasingly a fan of that Shrink.
Even though you never bring it out in your posts, I can tell how much he respects you and the journey you’re on.
May 17th, 2008 at 12:27 am
More progress… Neat, Christine! Hope your weekend is just that, neat! I love that word.
May 17th, 2008 at 1:04 am
mrs flutter, you are brave and strong. your boy is brave and strong too. just because he is young it doesn’t mean he isn’t wise. you must respect his wisdom enough to trust him with your wobbly bits. there, a bit of lurcher wisdom, just for you.
May 17th, 2008 at 2:20 am
It is very clear to me that you’re getting there, you’re getting there faster than anyone could expect yet not fast enough for your fear and frustration not to overwhelm you. But believe me, you are getting there and soon, soon you will be there and the fear will fade until it is but a memory to remind you of how strong you are and how far you’ve come.
May 17th, 2008 at 5:17 am
Ah, so that’s what I was doing? I guess I knew that all along.
The reason it seems scary with a “real” person is that honesty quotient. With the therapist, you know they are being honest. The therapist’s ego isn’t involved, and you are writing them a check to tell you everything you need to know. With the person who lives in the heart, there’s fear they aren’t necessarily being honest (and not just lie vs. not lie but more about what they feel, what they think). That’s my recurring leitmotif….
Thanks for sharing here. I have a long drive today and will ponder….
May 17th, 2008 at 5:49 am
“Returning to our inborn fearless state requires unlearning certain things, not acquiring new skills.”
Uh. That’s on page 2. I don’t know what happens next.
May 17th, 2008 at 7:02 am
I trust The Boy.
May 17th, 2008 at 7:56 am
“Outwardly poker face/inwardly tender” – boy, isn’t that the truth.
That phrase really jumped out at me.
May 17th, 2008 at 8:08 am
Time to jump in. No day like today.
Courage.
May 17th, 2008 at 8:53 am
I started sharing the small bits first and slowly build up trust in our ability to share the greater things. Sometimes, though, I still find it so hard to admit I feel rejected or uncared for. It is as if these things might suddenly destroy what we share. Then I go somewhere where I feel safe and breath deeply into the hurt that is mine until I am no longer my past and I can step back into the present and what is mine.
May 17th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I like what he said about being worthy of a compliment. Very wise.
Yet fear is bullshit? I dunno. I think fear is very tangible.
May 17th, 2008 at 11:57 am
I suspect he loves 100% of you, though I have no idea how much is sight unseen.
May 17th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
He’s a bit of an unconventional shrink, isn’t he?
May 17th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I find myself coming out of that one…that’s what I do with your writing…I have to come out of it…and tonight I came out of it thinking YOU WILL get there with the boy. It seems inevitable in that he is kind and you are wise. And tonight I wonder about your shrink, what he goes home to, who he goes home to, and what makes him so sure he can help people get to where they need to be.
May 17th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
give it up. give it to The Boy.
May 17th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
This morning I did exactly what hele said: I shared a painful fear and risked being rejected. It was easy to speak, it was not easy for my boyfriend to understand. Distance grew and still grows. This too is part of the path. It is alright, all right.
Bringing fear into the light is challenging and necessary soulwork. I trust the process.
And you *will* manifest the increased safety you are creating (through your ongoing willingness to disclose/disrobe/be seen) with your therapist with The Boy. And others down the road. It’s the salad that comes with every entree, a daily fixture on the psychotherapy menu. Bon appetit!
May 17th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Oh. Hello. I’m allowed to post a comment here without ushering the gods of internet doom into my reader to shut me down. Yay! I think fear is bullshit too. Unfortunately, many of us eat a lot of bullshit. Yes.
May 17th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
i think your shrink is right (surprising, I know) The boy has shown he can handle quite a bit, I think, and, at least from what we see of him here, appears able to handle it.
May 18th, 2008 at 12:03 am
From what you’ve shared here, The Boy seems ready to handle it all and he loves you.
May 18th, 2008 at 12:21 am
“Fear is bullshit.”
Oh, girl, that’s one lesson we could all learn.
May 18th, 2008 at 8:10 am
it is scary and it is hard. and yet you will.
May 18th, 2008 at 10:15 am
Such a good point about how the dynamic allows you to be more fearless. How to trust our own people the same way—there’s the challenge.
May 18th, 2008 at 11:56 am
you’ve got a good therapist there.
and an even better Boy, i think.
May 18th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Just outta curiosity, does The Boy read your blog?
May 18th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
blah. intimacy. blah.
does your shrink read your blog?
May 18th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
it’s a lot. for you to bear, but sometimes the load can be lightened by people who love you. at least let them try.
May 18th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Aren’t we all just a bag of mixed nuts?
Love means loving it all, mixed nuts and all.
(do you get the sense that I’m grooving on your analogy?)
May 18th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
i totally get this. completely and totally. “How I trust him, but fear that the load is too great.”
May 18th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I like what the boy expressed….
that last line is so true, to me, fear IS bullshit!
May 18th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
It is scary, but most of life is, you know?
May 18th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Similar to what your professional told you, someone once told me fear stands for this:
F: False
E: Expectations
A: Appearing
R: Real
May 19th, 2008 at 7:51 am
Amazing. Your Instigating Shit Head rocks.
You know mine said something like that to me – that she was sure to disappoint me as others have and so I almost broke up with her, but I need her. Not because I am as freed with her as you are with the ISH, but because I think I need to be.
May 19th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Im curious, are you afraid to let the boy 100% in because you are afraid he will not be able to handle it all and leave? I can understand that fear, but here’s what Im thinking. He’s been around for a long time, and has probably seen more than you intended, and maybe you’ve unknowingly let him in more than you think. Either way, he’s been through a lot with you, seen a lot of you, and has loved you the entire time. He’s still there.
May 19th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth” – Pema Chodron.
one of my favorite quotes. ever.
May 19th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I sometimes wonder if one day Mr. Mayhem is going to grow tired of my high maintenance ways and more on to greener pastures…..but then I remember how much it would cost him to leave me…..and I feel much better! (hee-hee)
I am such a romantic!
Seriously……you must be doing something right…..he is still hanging around!
May 20th, 2008 at 10:25 am
I think, by now, he knows what he is getting into with you. He is still here… still willing, able and ready to be what you need him to be. To help you carry your burden and find a way to let it go. He is there, with you, by choice. Because he loves you and he wants to be with you. Because he deserves you. And you deserve him.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:27 am
PS ~ I never read through everyone else’s comments until after I’ve posted my own… and often find great minds think alike? But it looks like I’m a big fat copy cat. Though I don’t know that I’d have found anything more original to say, anyway.
How is that lemonade coming along? Hopefully things are better by now.
May 23rd, 2008 at 6:06 am
the key is – that The Boy already knows this, he already feels this, all you have to do is formally acknowledge it to him.
there is this courage in you, I know it. I’ve seen it here. You can do this.
June 1st, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Fear is so paralyzing, isn’t it?
If only I had a wheelchair!