Surprises, unexpected.
She is young. She runs about in a flurry of activity, a smile a nod. She goes, full boar, for more hours a day than I. She never loses her trademark grin.
She gives a little toss of her curly hair and is off to the next task. She never complains, she just smiles and does. She is an incredible, positive worker. She is 8 months pregnant.
We know in her position, she doesn’t make a lot of money, but you would never find her complaining. A friend of hers came to us, with a plea.
“She has nothing, she and her fiance are working like crazy but the money isn’t there. Her family doesn’t approve and they won’t throw her a shower, can you help?”
We sent word out throughout the company for donations. New, used, cash, gift cards, anything that could be of use. We knew that she didn’t even have a crib, or the means to get one. No car seat. By the end of two weeks, we had everything. Crib and clothes and diapers and bottles. Wipes and towels and blankets and thermometers. Men and women and people of means and of little means all came together to help this girl, this sweet girl.
We hid in a conference room, and applauded when she came in. Her overwhelmed tears flowed as she only said:
“Oh, all of this is for me?”
In theory you see, this girl had nothing. I looked at her, small hand on her large belly. Small diamond ring on her swollen fingers. Her tears large and present and I saw someone with everything.I had to swallow back my own tears as I felt a disgusting wave of jealousy wash over me.
I want kids.
I want them so bad that sometimes I forgo the invitations to showers and birthday parties for fear that my emotion will take me over. I want them to build on this love that I have, I want them to leave this tired planet a better place than I found it. I want them so that I can put good people out there, I want to make myself good by being a good parent.
And I realize, in having these feelings and saying all these thing, that I am just not ready. It breaks my heart. Who knew?
May 19th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
I will say that you will be a wonderful mother.
And i know this because i am a wonderful mother, even though i was not shown how.
Love is all you need, all you need is love.
Okay, i lied. That’s not all you need. You need to be respectful too.
I can’t wait for your turn.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
It is normal to be jealous. It is natural. Totally natural. And being jealous, but NOT showing you are jealous is a sign of real maturity.
I think you will be good mother. And when that time comes, if you need any help choosing a baby name, I’m here for you.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
I think it will happen for you and when it does you’ll be a fabulous mom.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
I’m not being facetious: How will you know you are ready? That question is one part challenge, one part curiosity.
I felt as if I was ready from the time I was a young girl. I loved babies, loved to babysit. I still love babies, love to babysit. I’m not a perfect mother. I’m not the mother I thought I would be, and yet it’s all working out okay.
I don’t think I thought about whether I was “ready,” which is why I asked the question of you, sweet flutter.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:11 am
What a lovely and caring thing you and your mates did for this innocent creature, very touching. The hidden feelings you expressed having, about wanting kids, and wanting them to be good people for this earth, about you wanting to feel you are and have been a good parent, pretty much describes me, too, before I had kids. And, I would hazard to say that many others among us have felt similarly at that point in their lives, as you have, and then, when they did feel ready, went on to be wonderful, caring, loving parents, just like YOU will be when you feel you ARE ready… What a thoughtful, wise and loving ‘future mom’ you are, for yourself, your future kids and for the world, that you are so considerate to wait until you are ready. You are ALREADY a GOOD PERSON, C, for so many reasons; and when the time is right for you, you will be a GREAT MOM AND PARENT! Thanks for sharing with us.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:49 am
When you are ready you will be wonderful. Just wonderful.
I know the jealousy and the pain only too well, it feels as if your heart is being ripped out as you try desperately to hold it in its place so no one can tell.
I pray that when you are ready you will have a child, someone you can teach to be as kind and as caring and as brave as you are.
May 20th, 2008 at 4:15 am
Things will never fall into place complete with an “I’m Ready!” banner and balloons. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith to know that you can handle anything life hands you, including motherhood. (I’m a perfect example of that.)
I think you are more ready than you realize.
You will be a marvelous, kind mother – just as you are a marvelous, kind friend, sister, daughter.
xoxoxo
May 20th, 2008 at 4:18 am
ps – what you did for this girl, is truly amazing.
May 20th, 2008 at 4:20 am
everything you wrote, everything you said means you will be the best kind of mother and your babes will be blessed to have you as their mama. xo
May 20th, 2008 at 4:38 am
Wow, what an incredible thing to do for this working mom! The generosity of others sometimes drives me to tears.
As for not being ready ~ I think there are many out in blog~land just like you, sister. And it will all come in time, of its own accord, when it is meant to. That may not be when you PLAN it, or maybe it will…whenever it is, you will rise to the occasion, that I have no doubt about.
May 20th, 2008 at 4:42 am
That urge is a very powerful one. We are driven by forces deep within us to reproduce. So don’t beat yourself about feeling envious.
Your day will come. And when it does, you will be the most awesome mother alive.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:32 am
I thought I was ready, and the minute April was in my arms, I forgot everything I knew. Now I know that we’re never ready. And we’re always ready. Love isn’t all you need, but it’s the most important thing. But it starts with loving yourself, loving the one you’re with, loving where you have come to…then the love is ready for the child.
You will be an amazing mother. When the time comes, you’ll be ready–whether you realize or believe it or not.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:43 am
What a wonderful story. My children are the only attachment that I can’t walk away from, the only thing in my whole life that I have stood and fought for. While it causes me great pain, I wouldn’t give that up for anything. They teach me about myself.
May 20th, 2008 at 6:21 am
Your day WILL come and you WILL be the best-est there is. No doubt. We tried to have kids for over 6 years and I was downright convinced I’d never be a Mom. Eventually through a very long journey we did. Morale of the story: A long hard road can produce a nice long dream with a little love and a lot of hope.
May 20th, 2008 at 6:42 am
Well, yes and no. There is a measure of that in everyone who decides to have kids, and I am not sure any of us are ever truly ready. You just need to wait until you are more ready than not, rather than waiting until everything is perfect, which it will never be.
Your children will have a flawed mother. They all do. You will be a stronger parent because you know so well where your weaknesses lie, rather than keeping them hidden and then tripping over them.
May 20th, 2008 at 6:44 am
Are you sure? I think you seem like someone’s mother.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:04 am
And, when the time comes, you will be the loveliest and most loving mother. I can’t wait to watch as it all unfolds, just the way it’s meant to.
xo
PS magpie’s right, you know.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:38 am
Well, love, come July , I’ll share mine with you. Then I’ll finally look square into the eyes of a mom. Already. As Slouchy said, when the time comes…oh the magic. What a lucky baby…who am I kidding, Babies!
xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
A
May 20th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I understand those feelings of envy, and of avoiding overly babied events for fear of your own emotions. But I have absolutely no doubt that whenever motherhood is visited upon you, ready or not, you will make a wonderful mom.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:05 am
When you have done all you want to do on your own, and desire sharing what you have learned and are learning and all the love you have built within yourself with a wee one…more than anything else…you’ll know you are as ready as you’ll ever be.
Because truly, we’re never really ready for it…the great leap into the unknown…
You just take it as it comes.
Big hug.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:17 am
There is no perfect time for kids, as others have said. I wasn’t ready for either of mine. But when it’s your turn, however you decide that to be, you’re going to be awesome.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:29 am
This is a wonderful story. I am so glad to hear that kindness is still around – I always suspected that it was.
I have been having crazy baby cravings lately, too. I went to Babies R Us to buy a baby gate to use for our dogs and wandered over to the furniture instead. I started trying to imagine how it will feel when Husband and I get to purchase something like it someday and, almost on cue, my period started.
No babies for me yet.
You’ll get there. I don’t know that anyone really feels ready for kids. But I do know that loving people make the best mothers, and you are obviously loving. You’ll do great when your time comes.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:30 am
I wasn’t ready for Julia. I really wasn’t. My mom had just died. I wasn’t married. I had no job. I was in the middle of the worst time in my life. And – two pink lines. Holy shit. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and cried.
You’re never ready for kids. I have days – frequently – where I look at my children and think to myself, “Jesus. I am not ready for this.”
May 20th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Wait a minute – WHY aren’t you ready?
I was 33 when I finally decided it was time to really do this thing – to get pregnant. Even then I was so ambivilent about wanting a kid. When I did get pregnant, I was sure something would go wrong. When my first child was born, I was disappointed he wasn’t a girl, and I thought he was so ugly. Then I sobbed to Bea about inept I was – “what if he gets sick? Its all on my head!” I think I finally got comfortable with being a mom when there weren’t any more toddlers or babies to tend to.
My point is – you don’t have to be ready- you just have to be incubating – the rest will follow in due time. I think you and Clay will be great parents, and that’s another thing – you’re not going to be doing it alone.
btw – I hate showers, and ask Bea – its her idea of hell too!
May 20th, 2008 at 10:21 am
What a great friend you are… I loved reading this sweet story!
You will be such a good mom when you are ready. I can’t wait, for you.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:21 am
When you’re ready, it will happen, sweeping away the heartbreak. And you? You will be fabulous.
May 20th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Oh flutter. I am not even certain what to say to this. But, because you want to be ready so badly before you do, I cannot help but think that when you do, you will be amazing. Hugs to you my friend.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I like what Emily said. And the time will come, and you will be a great mother.
In the meantime, you can borrow one of mine (as long as I get to choose) whenever you need a fix.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
You already have a mother-heart. It will come, friend, when the time is right. I’m sorry you are hurting.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
stop stop stop!!!!!!! you will never actually FEEL ready. so don’t wait for that!!!! OK? you will never feel adequate or ready to actually be a mother. you will probably be terrified through the pregnancy. maybe even after the baby is born (of course, i am not talking from experience). i hope you have a baby soon — that circumstances that you need to be right, whatever they are, become right. i’m sorry it is so painful to wait for the right time. just don’t wait for everything to be perfect, i’m not sure there is a perfect time……
May 20th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
yes. I’ve put that dream aside to survive my first marriage…and when I was free from that, the dream came rushing back in. I am now watching time pass and my age creep up…I am ready, for sure…but there are a few more things I need to put into place. Well, things I think I do…but sometimes? I can sit and just cry because I want a faster time table, or time turned back…
May 20th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Typed fast (patient waiting).
1. What you folks did for the woman? Grace, perfect and beautiful grace.
2. Thought for experiment:
Not being ready doesn’t break your heart. Fear breaks your heart.
(Same words, content, with a slight twist.)
Here, try this. Turn your statement on its edge. Say to yourself,
“I am breaking my own heart because I am afraid.”
What happens? Feel any difference?
May 20th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
You forgo showers for the same reason I do. (I don’t hold babies anymore either. Not even family or friends’ babies.)
You are going to be an amazing mom someday. SOme little person (or persons) is going to be SO LUCKY to have you as their mom.
BUt you know… I can loan you a very squirrelly, soon-to-be 6 year-old for a week if you ever get that hankering… You know… Just a thought…
May 20th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
oh, honey, that you want kids after listening to me on about crushed goldfish and kids doing crazy ass shit is freaking a testament to your niceness. because, really? aunt flutter gwine wish she didn’t say she wanted kids when peep and d get off the plane in AZ.
oh, of course, we all believe it’s different when we’re talking about reproducing in love and all that good stuff. the day to day is the grind.
it’s okay not to be ready. i was not ready at 25 or 28. oh, and there’s no manual. that bites.
oh, and my two? fighting over the cards in the memory game and screaming at each other. right. now.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
you are more ready than you think, honey.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I’d love a manual on being a parent. Even though I was ready I’m not always ready.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I have mixed feelings about readiness. I waited a looong time before I decided I was sort of ready and went ahead. Then it took a long time to actually have one. If I had waited any longer I probably never would have had a baby at all. Once I had him, I realized you never can be truly ready, and I wished I had done it sooner. I would never try to talk someone into it though, because although it’s unbelievably awesome, it is also so very hard to be a parent. Your own answer will come in its time.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
oh, you are so mean to be a sweet, earthy momma.
your time is coming and when it does – fireworks!
May 20th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
*meant* it helps if i type properly
May 20th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
You will be a mother, and whether the time is “right” or not, you will excel.
This post made me weepy. At work. Dammit.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I agree with jen. She’s a wise one.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Your maternal instinct shines through all the time, take for instance that sweet girl who needed something, everything. The man you couldn’t understand, but you understood when it mattered, outside your office.
You are full of kindness. Some baby, some day, is going to be one lucky little kiddo is all I’m saying.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
It isn’t a matter of being ready, but one of rising to the occasion. I have no doubt you will rise.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
You know, I think very few of us start out thinking that we’re going to rock at mothering. Not that I think you should rush out and have a baby before you think you’re ready, but I know from my own life that I changed utterly once I had kids, just because I loved them.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Hey, I think you’d make an awesome mom. But that is between you and yourself, obviously. When the day comes that you feel best able to jump that hurdle, I’ll be here cheering you on!
May 20th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
It is a big step that I am eager to take, unfortunately even when you feel you are ready the time may not be right… Just go with the flow, you will be a mom when it is meant to be!
May 20th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
But the reasons you listed are wonderful reasons for wanting a child. To build on love, make the world a better place, guide a person through life to be a good person, to better yourself. That’s what all of us do as parents, or strive to do at any rate. I honestly can’t think of any way those things mean you’re not ready. Of course, it’s not for me to understand, as long as you do. And the shower? Girlfriend, your karma must be so gooood!
May 20th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
It’s 100% normal to feel jealousy, I have felt it, too. I have never doubted, from the minute I met you, that you had a heart ready to mother, ready to split into two and three or four different parts and to pour out love. It will happen–and if you’re not ready now, when you will be ready I have no doubt you will know it.
May 20th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
The shower idea was fabulous – what a wonderful group of people. And the jealousy, normal.
As far as being ready? Well, I’m not sure that you’re ever really ready. I mean REALLY ready. Because honestly, some days I question myself being ready and it’s WAY too late for that!! And there is emotionally ready and financially ready and physically ready. The latter 2 are easier.
My mom always said if you wait around to be financially secure enough to have kids, you never will. Same if you wait to lose that last 10 pounds or climb that mountain. But emotionally is a different story.
Being ready is being willing to give up near everything for a tiny, screaming, crying, grows-up-too-fast little person. Being ready is knowing that you’ll do anything and everything you can to make sure that little person feels loved and cherished and wanted and protected. Being ready means knowing that your life will never, ever be the same. It means you’re gonna do your damnedest but that you might screw up anyway. It means forgetting to breathe when they smile at you and wanting not to breathe when they don’t.
Personally? I think you’re ready.
and magpie’s comment made me tear up.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
You are getting ready.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Its coming I think. The readiness.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Ha, ha…Don’t let being ready slow you down. I have learned that you are as ready as you are not ready for anything. Trust me, no one feels like they are ready when they get that baby the first time.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
i think wanting to raise good people and sharing your love is an excellent motivator for having children.
and what you helped to do for that girl? fantastic!
May 20th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
That was an incredible thing you all did for that girl.
I don’t know what to say about being ready to have kids, Christine. My oldest was a “whoops!” and my youngest was totally planned and hard to come by (two miscarriages before I got pregnant with him). But I think that you have time on your side, to get ready if you feel you’re not. I understand how it feels to want to avoid babies, showers, pregnant women…it hurts, a lot. I hope that feeling doesn’t stay with you.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:16 am
I know*
May 21st, 2008 at 7:09 am
You are never but totally ready, all at the same time.
May 21st, 2008 at 8:13 am
I wasn’t ready. Monkey wasn’t planned. At all. Mr. Egg and I had barely been together for a year. Now she’s a year old and I still don’t know if I’m ready. lol. The time will come when it does. Maybe you’ll feel “ready”, maybe not. But you’ll embrace it and do it and looking back realize it was the best thing you ever did.
May 21st, 2008 at 8:15 am
I have a 6 and 3 year old and I’m still not ready.
But I understand what you mean.
(HUGS) of understanding
I spent a lot of years dodging showers, ducking from pregnant people, lurking in the back of conference rooms hosting social events. Even now, sometimes I feel an edge, a tip of it. Like holding a newborn yesterday, an “Ooops!” baby, and listening to all the talk of fertility.
Not the same thing you mean but a similar enough feeling to understand.
What a lovely thing you did for that lady.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:44 am
Oh, honey – you will be the bestest mother in the world.
May 21st, 2008 at 10:47 am
you are already a great mother. Just the fact that you want the timing to be right and you want to feel comfortable with it before embarking on that particular journey says that you are concerned about making sure you can provide a good life for them. Ready is something that can only be defined by you, and I don’t think anyone is ever completely “ready” but rather they are reasonably comfortable that they can do a decent job. We would have loved to have more money, more space, fewer bills, but we didn’t. However, we were reasonably certain that we could do well with what we have and can provide a good life for our daughter. And that’s what we’re doing.. and that’s really all you need. To make the decision when the circumstances are in good balance is the key.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I know when you’re ready you’ll be better than all the rest of us at this parenthood thing because you’re intuitive and insightful and honest with yourself. And, the honesty bit is incredibly important because it’s essential to be really, really ready…says she who had her children much too young because she was clueless and naive and though she loves her children would have done better by them if she’d waited a bit, made sure the marriage was a good fit, you know, grown up. Be wise, don’t rush yourself.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:52 pm
No matter how ready one thinks they are, they’re never really ready.
Seriously.
I know that’s little consolation, but when it happens I believe you will be well equipped to handle motherhood, warts and all.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:14 pm
But look what you did…just look…
May 21st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
You will. I can’t wait.
May 21st, 2008 at 7:10 pm
No one is ever ready. And jealousy is totally normal. I use to feel that way myself.
You will be ready when the time is right. I promise. What a wonderful thing you did for that girl. Just shows that you are more than capable of caring for another person in need. Sounds like a great mother.
May 21st, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Someday you will be ready. The baby showers are brutal when you are feeling like this. Take care of yourself. Don’t go. Send a gift if you need to, but don’t put yourself in that sad place deliberately.
May 21st, 2008 at 11:19 pm
P.S. That of course, was just my bossy opinion.
May 23rd, 2008 at 6:25 am
Ooo-girl, that got me all choked up. *Fans face* Way to blow my cover at work.
May 23rd, 2008 at 5:46 pm
What a lovely story.
When you are ready you will know. Actually you will know when you start to wonder if you are ready. You can’t ever really be ready.
May 23rd, 2008 at 6:16 pm
You are ready, you are. Who am I to assume such a thing? I don’t know. It’s just something I feel.
May 23rd, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Your jealousy is normal and it is you inching towards readiness. And when you get there – and I suspect you may already be there – you will be a wonderful mother.
May 26th, 2008 at 8:28 am
This is such a sweet post. I can’t say how ready you are or not, I only can say that somehow none of us is ready, and that becoming a parent makes you both more strong and weaker than you thought you could be. Also parenthood can’t really be planned. It’ll all turn out as it should.