Hunger
I am in a state of perpetual hunger. Mental, physical metaphysical, spiritual. Hunger that rips and tears and leaves me running, searching for more.
More. Not sated not satisfied, not homeostatic. I feel greedy, reaching for the unattainable in dreams, always wanting always feeling half empty. Wanting more, needing more. My hands, long and nimble graze at the feast before me in my sleeping hours, just barely missing the nourishment. I am not satisfied. It is of no fault of anyone but me. I have allowed myself to be in the place of need of want. I have allowed myself to fail.
The hunger grows, food does not feed it. The hunger grows and with it, my restlessness. The wanderlust of an undiscovered soul. I realize it is a privilege to feel these things. I realize that my fortune has allowed me to place ownership of my failures. That not everything stopped when I was 17, that not everything has to remain as it is. I realize that because my primary needs are met, that I am housed, that I am fed, that I am loved allows me to long and to crave more.
To sate my most voracious of hungers. Because I am safe, I am hungry.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
I so much appreciate your intelligence–the analytical bent in you that allows you to see how satisfaction can create a need for more.
I live that, too, in many, many ways. To be benefiting from gifts that subsequently tax us…now that’s a conundrum.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Yep. I understand this. But you articulated it beautifully.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
For you I wish a meal served on a terrace by the sea by fairy hands. With exotic dishes from far away as well as the plain fare you loved as a child.
May 30th, 2008 at 1:18 am
go and grab it all, mrs flutter. as herself is all too fond of saying, life isn’t a rehearsal!
May 30th, 2008 at 4:36 am
The best part is – this is just the beginning.
May 30th, 2008 at 4:41 am
this post sounds familiar… ahh, i figured it out… this was the missing verse from Men At Work’s Land Down Under…
Traveling in a fried-out combie
On a hippie trail, head full of zombie
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous
She took me in and gave me breakfast
And she said,
“Do you come from a land down under?
Where women glow and men plunder?
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover
May 30th, 2008 at 5:04 am
Ever eat a mango like you’re supposed to in the Caribbean? It’s supposed to be a sensual act, a ripping in and dripping down. Don’t dare wipe it off. Eat like that! Leave the fork and knife in the drawer…
May 30th, 2008 at 7:43 am
I know this feeling very well.
I often ponder my right to crave more when many would think I already have so much.
and I question whether or not my hunger can ever be satisfied or I’ll just learn, over time, how to temporarily satisfy it and live with the underlying longing.
May 30th, 2008 at 8:22 am
You are so right. It’s when those basic needs are met that the longing sets in.
Amazing post; I’m off to ponder.
May 30th, 2008 at 8:49 am
I look forward to seeing where your hunger and wander-lust take you.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:08 am
I would think that this insatiable need you are feeling isn’t because you are safe, it is because you have an unmet need. Your body, your psyche, is reaching out for everything it can because it doesn’t know what it needs and is searching.
you can live in a cave at the top of a mountain, be cold and starving and still not desire anything – if all of your needs are met.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:25 am
Safe yes, and growing. Picking up where you abruptly stopped all those years ago. Growing itches, remember? It pains. It makes us squirm and it makes us very, very hungry. I don’t see failure here.
May 30th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Hungering for more. All good.
May 30th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I know this feeling…I am excited to see what will come knocking at your door next….
May 30th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Reaching for a dream is not greedy….
This is a good hunger. It is the kind that let’s us prove ourselves to, um, ourselves. :O)
May 30th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
I love the depth of your self understanding.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
i constantly have dreams of standing in the windows of bakeries, candy stores, and restaurants. i have dreams of scrumptious meals laid before me. i dream of plates of mexican pastries and steaming tortillas. in my sleep i conjure images of rock candy and melting fudge and dripping divinity. yet i never, ever get to eat it. i spend far to much time choosing my first dish only to be whisked away to do something else or complete some undone task. as i reach for my fork or point to the delicacy that my mouth hungers for i am ripped away by strange, unknow hands.
i wake feeling frustrated an tired and sad.
i only recently realized that these dreams aren’t about food.
meet me tonight in our dreams–we’ll feast on sweet morsels of fudge and nibble hot buttery croissants . we will eat together from steaming plates of spiced rice and nuts. we will twirls pasta and crunch peanut brittle. we will laugh and drink wine and feel happy. feel whole.
we will wake refreshed.
May 30th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
This is an incredibly cool post Flutter. I’m liking this. Powerful. As in: you are.
May 30th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
So, so true.
You may be a little higher up on that pyramid of needs/wants, but it doesn’t make yours illegitimate.
May 30th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
safe! sweet!
May 31st, 2008 at 3:27 am
lovely
x
May 31st, 2008 at 8:13 am
Isn’t that the frickin’ truth.
For me then, the trick is grasping, truly acknowledging right now…embracing it. And letting it embrace me…because I don’t want to miss it… because I’m hungry too.
And like I said, it’s a “trick”…so, I’m constantly trying to pull it off.
May 31st, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Mmmhmm, like Maggie said about growing, it’s healing, the itch…umm, except of course when it’s not, but for that there are plenty of creams.
Love you.
May 31st, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Powerful writing! I am hooked! You have a voice that comes out so clear in this post! Thanks!
May 31st, 2008 at 8:58 pm
I won’t worry unless you lose your appetite.
May 31st, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Hmm, just be careful and take a sweater, o.k.?
June 1st, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Mmm. Hunger keeps you awake, too. More mindful. I hope that the struggles and hunger remain tipped to the side that grows you instead of suffering, though.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
It is difficult to satisfy the hunger you describe. Perhaps a snack to start and before you know it you will find the time for an entire meal.
June 2nd, 2008 at 7:50 pm
you sound like a mythic beast.
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:21 pm
You are wordsmith.