fire in the sky
My Granddaddy died when the skies held limitless potential for his youngest granddaughter. He, the tallest, the biggest, the kindest, the best. He left me in the quiet floundering of self discovery.
He left his women to live the lessons he taught.
My Grandmother, sometimes terse, her tiny body made for cooking and sewing and dispensing wisdom; began to die slowly in his absence. My mother began to fully grasp what was lacking in her own marriage under the shadow that his death cast. I, began to bloom into a person grown without the love of a man who would remain unconditional.
Yet his presence remained.
I have no doubt he whispered in the ear of a divine presence, to keep me from dying on the tile floor of a cold bathroom. I have no doubt that he willed, from the comfort of being a whole spirit; for my body to keep together long enough to get me home. I have no doubt that his hand is the one I held as a fluttering heartbeat was extracted from me and given back to the ether.
His voice comes in whispers, in dreams, settles in the empty places and fills them until I am capable. He loves as I do, he bides me to keep my tongue to watch my affections. I haven’t always listened, but I do now. When he lights the sky on fire for me and fills it with my favorite colors- the pinks and oranges and twilight shadows of navy- I know he whispers still. He speaks to the essential things in me that I am birthing. As fire destroys, it creates anew and I know he watches, in wonder. To see what grows from the burned and ravaged.
To see what reaches for light in the legacy he left behind.
June 29th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Unconditional is the biggest way to love. It is funny, it is not so hard as it seems, but, sometimes I think we look for it in only one place. I have found it in the strangest places.
June 30th, 2008 at 12:48 am
there are some people i read because they consistently get me thinking. it’s like exercise for my brain.
but you? you make me FEEL. it’s like exercise for my heart.
so thanks for that.
June 30th, 2008 at 1:40 am
How cherished he must have been. How lucky you are to have his influence, even if you can’t still have him.
June 30th, 2008 at 3:38 am
you write magically. i needed reviving today and you helped.
June 30th, 2008 at 4:12 am
Thank god (metaphorically speaking or straight at you, what you have) for him being so large and so steady. You are a rare soul and important, I think, to be here with us.
June 30th, 2008 at 4:36 am
I’m grateful for your grandfather’s presence and for your ability to hear and feel his strength. Brace yourself sister, I’m planning to bum rush with a big hug you when we meet in a few weeks.
June 30th, 2008 at 4:51 am
I know this.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:27 am
You should expand and publish this. Try The Sun magazine.
Such a gift you have.
June 30th, 2008 at 6:29 am
Here’s the blessing in the tragedy. Because he died, he was able to look after you better.
June 30th, 2008 at 7:08 am
What a beautiful image you’ve left here for us–I love the idea of him lighting up the sky.
Wonderful.
June 30th, 2008 at 7:28 am
I hear the voices of those long gone, too. They are hard to forget. Lovely post~
June 30th, 2008 at 8:40 am
this is beautiful.
I’ve been remembering my grandmother a lot this past week.
something in the air?
June 30th, 2008 at 9:12 am
memories grant immortality.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I believe that those we love guide us from the ether. I, too, feel the loving hand of my father on my back as I push forward.
How lucky you were to have had this man in your life.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:13 am
You are the phoenix, my dear…
June 30th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Gorgeous. I’m glad you can still hear him.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Knowing that his spirit exists makes mine feel stronger.
Your words make me feel hope.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:49 am
This is beautiful.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:03 am
You’re so lucky to have had such a special relationship with him. Both of my grandfathers were largely absent from my life.
I’m sure he’s still here with you.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:09 am
YES.
June 30th, 2008 at 11:38 am
so nice to know that there’s a voice out there. a person, from promise to presence, lovey.
June 30th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
My five year old has been asking me what heaven is like. And I told him about all the people you love rushing to meet you. You write about them helping us still. I love that image. I picture my grandmother. Thanks for that.
June 30th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
You write beautifully about someone who seems to have deserved every bit of your admiration. I’m glad you had him, and have him still.
June 30th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
He sounds fantastic ~ I bet he is loving watching you as you become the woman we see before us now.
June 30th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
beautiful post.
may he glow in the bright light of your healing.
June 30th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
We need all those lovely whispers from our loved ones. I believe it.
Lovely post.
June 30th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
What a perfect man to be watching over you. I’m glad he’s “there” for you.
June 30th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
oh man. it’s everywhere lately, these beautiful stories.
June 30th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
yes. your sky IS full of fire. i read it in your words all the time. What an inspiration his memory must be to you Flutter.
June 30th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
This was awesome, C.
June 30th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
What a great, lovely way to look at things, to think of your grandfather.
July 1st, 2008 at 5:48 am
Just basking in it here.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:26 am
Feeling envious that you have had this relationship with a grandparent. But also, happy for you that you started life with one good man, at least.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:02 pm
“When he lights the sky on fire for me and fills it with my favorite colors- the pinks and oranges and twilight shadows of navy- I know he whispers still.”
I love this.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Absolutely he did, and ever will.
July 1st, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Flutter – he would be proud. Lovely my friend.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:01 am
“the tallest, the biggest, the kindest, the best”
oh how I love that. It takes me right back to being a little girl and looking up at my grandfather. excellent words Flutter, excellent.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:11 am
You have written of this unconditional love before, that you continue to feel even after death, and each time it makes me want to be a better person, to be your grandfather to someone in my life, to be remembered the way you remember him is truly lovely.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:07 am
I want this constantly. Sometimes I think I have it.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
oy.
you always manage to slay me.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:12 am
Lovely. Lovely to have that, such a person, and to be able to listen, and hear.
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:54 am
He couldn’t fail to be proud of you dear girl, no one could.
July 6th, 2008 at 8:25 am
I’ve missed you, friend. Wonderful . . .
July 6th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
The pride he must feel…