Acceptance
It occurs to me that I have spent 16 years mourning the loss of someone who may or may not have been. I may have been a different girl had I not been raped. Ok, but then again, I may not.
I may have been precisely the same, I may have been different. I may never have found my voice to write, I may never have learned to think beyond my little bubble. Certainly my life would have been different, but would it have necessarily been better?
I don’t know the girl I was before, I don’t even know the girl I was that night. I don’t know how her eyes would have looked at stars. But I do know they wouldn’t look at them the way I do.
I may never have found the love of my life, I may never have learned how to be hidden behind a wall. I may have been quiet or loud or any and all of the things that I am now. I may have been absolutely different or utterly the same.
It occurs to me that I am banking on that I would have been more delightful, more poetic, more beautiful, more….just more if that night had never happened. But perhaps, perhaps I just need to accept this skin with all of its marks and bruises and scars, or the way it catches light. Maybe I need to accept that I may be nothing more than what I am. Maybe that has nothing to do with my experiences and more to do with who I am, inherently.
Maybe I just need to be who I am and not who I think I would have been.
Maybe those two are the same.
Maybe.
July 6th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Your words are true for all women. For all men too, I’m sure.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:56 am
You couldn’t be anybody but who you are. And you couldn’t possibly have been any more talented, insightful, and just plain brilliant than you are now. You are not the lesser of two “could bes,” you are the best end product of your evolution thus far.
And some other parts of what you say here lead me to paraphrase Deepak Chopra, whose work I don’t necessarily espouse that often: Every moment, every event that has ever occurred since the Universe began has inexorably built up, like building blocks, to this very moment. And so to fight against this moment, who you are, how very precious and special and gifted you are, is to fight against the entire Universe from the beginning of time. (That particular thought helps me on days when I start the “what if” game; hope it does something for you, too.)
July 7th, 2008 at 2:02 am
What a beautiful post.
I have never believed in “if only I had”; who knows what would have happened then?
Thank you.
July 7th, 2008 at 2:27 am
i love this – the same is true of every single thing that happened to each of us. for you one big thing stands out but you are also the sum of the little things. and every bit of you is lovely!
July 7th, 2008 at 3:43 am
I, along with so many others I’m sure, am so thankful that you are the person you are today, and that you found your writing voice because it truly makes my world a richer place. I think you need to lay to rest thoughts of the girl who might have been, because the girl that is is pretty damn wonderful.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:09 am
This is very lovely dear Flutter. It took me a long time to come to that realization and when it confronted me in the face, it was a shocker. In my case it was giving someone all of these attributes that he never possessed.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:26 am
The sum of our life experiences make us who we are. You are a gifted writer, a woman with love to give, a spiritual being. You travelled a hard road to come to this point. Your post is so true for all of us. It sounds as if you are ready to embrace who you are and fly.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:11 am
Like most have already said – this is true for so many of us, for you in a much bigger way than most. This post does a very good job of crystallizing one of the excuses I use all the time “If only…”
July 7th, 2008 at 5:12 am
Oh yes Flutter…you are on the right track now. Keep going!
July 7th, 2008 at 5:39 am
I am hugging you so tightly.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:29 am
This is true in so many ways. I know I am not the same person I was just a couple of weeks ago. Large and small things have dug in and left marks.
Beautiful . . . .
July 7th, 2008 at 6:47 am
I think owning a trauma is the best way to turn it around. It happened and it has shaped you. You cannot change that, but you can change your acceptance of the person it has shaped.
I am happy to see this post!
July 7th, 2008 at 7:17 am
Yes. Yes! The person you are today is not wholly a victim and not wholly a survivor, nor wholly the girl from before.
Amazing, wonderful self-awareness and insight, friend. I am so glad you are reaching this place.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:38 am
I totally kick ass compared to the douchebag I used to be. I’m sure your douchbagitude has dropped as well. At least, I hope so.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Oh, honey, you’re almost there. This post is so very right.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:42 am
This is why those movies where someone goes back and relives their life appeal to me so much.
Would i go back too? What would i change and what would change me?
July 7th, 2008 at 10:23 am
I have often wondered these very things. Would I want to change the things that had happened to me? Would I have missed all the good that comes with the bad if I did?
HMMMMM………
Nice post!
July 7th, 2008 at 10:29 am
When my mother died, six years ago, I changed completely. It was like I went from being one person to a completely different person within a 24-hour period. And for a very long time I wished I could go back and be the girl I once was – brash, outspoken, opinionated, sassy, free-spirited…fun. I grieved for that person; sat on my therapist’s couch and cried because I didn’t feel like I had those qualities anymore. I felt as though they had died with my mother.
My therapist suggested that instead of focusing on what I felt I’d lost, to focus on what I’m not, instead. She said, “Okay, so you may not feel brash and sassy anymore, but what AREN’T you? Think of it that way and see what you come up with.” I’d never considered shifting my focus and when I did, I was surprised with what came up, and how it made me feel.
Long story short – I get this post. I get *you*.
July 7th, 2008 at 10:38 am
You are ON to something, beautiful girl!
July 7th, 2008 at 11:01 am
I love this way of looking at things…
Thank you
July 7th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I don’t know how you could not ask those questions after what happened to you. It doesn’t take much for most of us to spiral down into the abyss. You are obviously made of some pretty strong stuff.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:28 am
this is so beautiful and insightful. yes, i couldn’t agree more.
July 7th, 2008 at 11:50 am
It’s the ‘what if’s’ in life that drive me batty. Sometimes it’s hard to switch it off.
Best wishes
July 7th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Maybe.
What an amazing insight and realization.
IMHO, you don’t ever have to be glad that something bad happened. I know I am not glad about our sad and traumatic journey into parenthood, for example. I know I am not glad about a lot of how we were reshaped by it. I am definitely not glad we had to go through it, and yet, I know we wouldn’t be here, now, as we are, with these children, if we had not. So sometimes, I am really, really glad that we had the chance to make *this* of it, because *this* can be pretty awesome.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I am very, very happy to read these words.
and although what you went through was extremely traumatic and I would never say it was a good thing that happened I’m glad that you’re beginning to embrace who you’ve become because of it.
xo
July 7th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
I fail to see how you could be more delightful than you already are, but I get what you mean.
July 7th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I have wondered these very same things, and the fact is, there was no other way to get here. It’s a tricky game to play what-if, and I’ve done it a lot.
But what you just wrote is huge. Sometimes Buddhism sounds really interesting to me because of some of its ideas about our destiny (I’m not at all an expert, so I hope no one will correct me too severely if I get this wrong…): I have trouble with the idea that our souls choose our lives ahead of when we’re born, to fulfill our purpose. But then there are other times when it’s easier to embrace that than to ask “Why did this happen to me?”
I’m so glad to hear you at this particular place.
July 7th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
You’re just you, and that’s something to be proud of. No maybe about it.
July 7th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Yes..you never know who you could have been if it weren’t for the things that happen to you in life. But, who you are is wonderful…and I’ll bet who you’re going to be will delight and surprise you!
July 7th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I always think I’d now be so different if it weren’t for certain events. Certainly I would be the better version of myself. Kinder, softer, sweeter, thinner, more trusting, more willing to do certain things, less afraid.
But, you don’t know what else may have changed you in that thing’s place. Or where you’d be now if it wasn’t for that. So, try to embrace who you are, flaws and all. Because it’s those flaws that make you you. And you, are wonderful.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Just be, and you will discover a wealth of free time to do some of the things you love most.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
It may be a failure of imagination on my part but I can’t imagine alternative you being any more wonderful than you are right now.
July 7th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Wow. I love your writting and your insigt. This has been one of the hardest subjects for me to write about. I was raped as well and I have only spoken about it with several people. As a man, it shattered me in many ways. After reading your post. I wll attempt to write something about it on my blog. Thank you.
I am adding you to my blog roll.
July 7th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Wow. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear this until you said it. Good for you. Thanks from me.
July 7th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
What a great post! You are right your eyes see things (and stars) differently.
You are very brave to share this
July 7th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
You are you. And for those of us reading your beautiful words, we are so very grateful.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
This post is my new Flutter Favorite. Your wheels are starting to spin you forward with increasing momentum–that’s what this post says. I hug my monitor now, as though it were you. But you’re hella cuter.
July 7th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
I think you’re right. It’s a complete unknown who you might have been without that experience. Who would any of us be without key experiences we’ve had in our lives?
Personally, I think you probably wouldn’t have the depth you’ve got now… but I don’t like to spin any positivity on rape at all.
July 7th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
We can’t be anybody other than who we are. We can’t change the past, can’t undo or redo. It’s done. We are all the sum of our past, our mistakes, our successes, our failures, all of it. To leave anything out is to deny a part of yourself, your wonderful self.
I did that for too long Christine. It helps no one, least of all you. Shine. Be who you are, the good and the bad, the dark and the light.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:39 am
The question with no answer, except who you are today. I think you know it even though I would have had it different for you and never known.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:56 am
in the end, who you are is the person loved. faults, perfections, talents, habits – ‘maybe’ doesn’t cut the grade anymore. being, now, that’s the stuff of life.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:59 am
Who you are now, that’s who we love. She…you…is amazing. There is no other version of you, because life didn’t take that path. The you that you are is something to behold, all on her own.
July 8th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Wow, thank you for sharing this. I do a lot of “what if” thinking and this makes me realize that I need to appreciate all that I have and not think that if I had made different decisions in my life that the outcome would necessarily be more beautiful.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
This above else, to thine own self be true.
People have always had faith in you. Just have it in yourself, and let that be enough.
It sounds like the irritating sort of thing you’d say to me.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:07 am
This mail and your previous one just blew me away.
Away from wanting to be anyone but me and towards a joy in being here now.
July 9th, 2008 at 10:53 am
And this is how I know you’re doing the good work in your therapy! This right here is a pivotal turn in your thinking, and I am so glad for your sake, to see it.
Fight on baby!!
July 10th, 2008 at 9:09 am
It occurs to me that you thinking this way is a huge breakthrough…
July 10th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I am sort of lost for words. But i am glad you are here.
July 16th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
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