Holy S*!@ it’s BlogHer!
On Thursday morning I will get my chunky arse on a plane and land in San Francisco. The land of fabulous shopping, rolling fog and for some reason a conference full of women who have asked me to come speak .
My nervous system has kicked into high gear, the closer I get to coming face to face with you lovelies. For the past three days I have shit no fewer than 27 times. Dude, I don’t think that’s normal! AND I FELT THE NEED TO TELL YOU, again, that can’t be right.
I have been running through all of the girl-type preparations I must make, in order to step off the plane looking like I have my shit together. Like, hair dye, a manicure, some product that will keep my hair from becoming nebulous. I stocked up on gum, deodorant, moisturizer, dental floss and I spent 45 minutes cleaning mascara residue out of my eyelash curler. You know, like you care.
I got perilously close to my bathroom mirror with my favorite tweezers and pulled a like, 15 foot chin hair out of my chinny chin chin. Henceforth, you will have nothing to grab me by. How does that happen? How is it that I look at my face everyday, but somehow managed to miss an enormous, black hair taking up residence? That while tweezing brows picking zits (whatever, like you don’t) I would just pass right over a tree trunk of a hair? Blind ass bat. Good thing I found it before BlogHer, now you’ll never know I have trouble with such things.
Oh. Crap.
I was almost tempted to get a bikini wax, but seriously…what the fuck? It’s not like I am going on a blind date. Plus, seriously, the last time I got one of those I couldn’t sit for several days. I am sure that would make me remarkably popular on the plane.
Oh sweet Holy Mother on grilled cheese, the plane. I hate flying. I hate the ear popping and the taking off and the landing and the teensy bathroom. A bathroom which, I have no problem stating, throws me into fits of irrational fear. I fear that if I have to pee in an airplane lav, that there will somehow be some kind of vacuum that will be caused by the girth of my ass and that I will be sucked down through the toilet and flung into the clouds. Without my pants. Then people would call in UFO sitings of something very white and shiny falling rapidly over the skies of California….immediately followed by reports of acid rain. Or ass-id.
I hate the enormously close proximity which people must sit next to me on a plane. Or vice versa. I hate having my ass in peoples’ faces as I scooch into my seat. I hate the touching of the them with the me and the reaching and the touching and the breathing. Oh the breathing. With the breath. I would love people so much more if they just didn’t breathe. AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO READ THE SKYMALL. STOP FIDGETING WITH THE BACK OF MY FUCKING SEAT!
Once off the plane, I have no doubt in my ability to collect my bag. I am a champion of menial tasks. However, I then get to navigate the BART to get to my hotel. I have no sense of direction and I am fairly certain that I will somehow manage to end up in Brooklyn. Or Oakland.
So provided I do actually make it to the hotel, in one piece….because I am known for breaking my ankle while walking on perfectly innocent car lots, I then only pray that I can calm my propensity to belch when I am nervous. So if you meet someone who burps a lot, is wearing a walking cast has the suction imprint of a toilet seat on her ass and has a giant hair on her chin….be nice. It’s probably me.
July 13th, 2008 at 3:27 am
Oh Flutter, you do make me laugh! I’m sure I should be saying something comforting like ‘It’ll all be fine, don’t worry’, what I really think is damn, rather you than me!
Oh, and I discovered recently that I’d been unwittingly growing a sideburn. There has been an inch and a half long hair growing out of the side of my face for god knows how long and I never noticed. I still forget to trim it sometimes.
I wish I could be there to hear you belch. I mean speak. You will be wonderful!
July 13th, 2008 at 4:18 am
i’ve been prepping and i’ve got even more prepping to do between now and thursday morning, eep!
i wish they’d published a schedule before i bought my tix – because of course i only bought a tix for friday and there you are speaking saturday. feh.
July 13th, 2008 at 4:33 am
will there be video conferencing, for those of us thousands of miles away? because I really want to hear you belch. (Oops, Cara already said that. But still.)
I’m happy you decided not to do the bikini wax. You’re only going to feel naked, you know.
And…have some fun. Real fun.
July 13th, 2008 at 4:53 am
Now I wish more than ever that I could be there!
July 13th, 2008 at 5:04 am
how am i missing you at blogher? i can’t imagine the level of freaking out you are doing at the thought of speaking. oh yes i can. you just described it. you also gave me my post subject for the day (chin hair — can to much be said?)
you are going to be fahbulous. and stay away from those airplane potties. your instincts are right. they are scary, dangerous evil places. and i am right there with you about people and breathing.
July 13th, 2008 at 5:26 am
Last year we drove from Toronto to Chicago and while it was a nine hour drive, it was a great way to travel. We could stop for coffee and get bathroom breaks and see parts of America I otherwise never would. Hopefully the conference will make its way back east again.
Looking forward to meeting you!
July 13th, 2008 at 5:31 am
Cleaning the eyelash curler IS serious prep! Don’t think too hard about the trip itself, just think how unbelievably awesome it’s going to be once you’re there! You are going to be fantastic.
July 13th, 2008 at 5:53 am
Hilarious. I used to live in Oakland. It’s actually quite lovely. Well. Most of it. Hope to see you there! (Not in Oakland. At BlogHer.)
July 13th, 2008 at 5:58 am
OMG! Are you sure you want to go? Just kidding. First time I wish I was. You’re speaking? I’m afraid I’d swallow my tongue. Good luck, have fun and stay vigilant with those sneaky chin hairs!
July 13th, 2008 at 6:01 am
I feel anxious that I’m not feeling anxious. And I’m getting nervous now about my lack of preparation. And lack of mani/pedi. Shoot… I better call for an appointment, huh? Too bad I never got around to losing that extra 50+ lbs.
July 13th, 2008 at 6:10 am
I wish I were going, just for you. (Well, for a ton of others, too, but while you were belching I could be giggling or babbling nervously)
July 13th, 2008 at 6:23 am
laughing so hard here.
i am petrified. seriously. stuck to my couch. how will i ever get on that plane?
(i, too, hate flying. it’s actually almost a phobia. sigh.)
oh, and SHIT! i was gonna lose some weight before the conference. too late now, huh?
July 13th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Dude. It will be SO fun. I promise. No worries, at all.
July 13th, 2008 at 6:47 am
i think i might cry because i can’t go. yes, i am that childish!
have some extra fun for me, ok?
xoxo
ps–i finally revealed the grossest food i have ever eaten over at my blog. because i know you were holding your breath and all.
July 13th, 2008 at 7:18 am
I had to de-lurk to say that I am looking forward to attending your panel and meeting you. I love your writing and your courage. This made me laugh and reminded me to not worry. BlogHer is so fun. I am completely unprepared and haven’t done any of the things I thought I would before hand (and I even went last year).
I will be thinking of this as I fly and get breathed on and try to squeeze into the tiny bathroom!
July 13th, 2008 at 7:26 am
You make me laugh! You will be wonderful.
Have fun!
July 13th, 2008 at 8:08 am
You are going to be a hit; I know it. But I would be jittery too, if I could go. I’m not the best traveler either.
(And how do we miss those hairs? One day, I will put Lexi in charge of me, to tell me if I’m letting my inner hag show.)
July 13th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Now I’m REALLY bummed I can’t make it to BlogHer this year.
July 13th, 2008 at 8:48 am
If it makes you feel better, I just realized today that I have 2 inches of dust, cat hair, and probably millions of dust mites living on my TV, my fingernails are losing the war against the cuticle, and I had neglected my eyebrows for so long I was beginning to resemble a werewolf.
July 13th, 2008 at 9:11 am
I’ll repeat myself… again.
Even though you did all those things in prep, I am still totally super jealous that you are going to BlogHer – speaking at it, even – and I’m not. Make sure you mention me in every sentence to everybody, k?
July 13th, 2008 at 9:26 am
This was too funny. I think speaking is adding a whole other level of nervousness that I couldn’t deal with. The rest of it is just a big party, baby. We are all in the same boat, and we will all end up having fun. TRUST ME!!
July 13th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Have a wonderful wonderful time….
Wish I was there!
July 13th, 2008 at 10:49 am
There you go, baiting me again!
Hope you have a mahvelous time . . . you’ll knock ‘em speechless, methinks . . .
July 13th, 2008 at 11:03 am
You’re so funny!
I have that damn hair on the SIDE of my NECK. I won’t see it, and all of a sudden I’ve got a three in long hair, it’s so gross and of course you wonder how many people have seen that damn thing before you noticed it?
I hope you have a great time at BlogHer. All will be well, and of course we want to hear every single detail.
July 13th, 2008 at 11:07 am
How I wish I could be there to see your beautiful eyes up close and maybe even get a hug
July 13th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
It’s a little known fact that facial hair can grow up to six inches in a 24 hour period.
That’s the only explanation I can think of. I too, tend to the crops daily and yet, am often surprised by a chin hair of disconcerting length.
I hate flying too, I have an awful sense of direction as well. And yet, I managed to fly into and navigate London and Paris without too much trouble. I won’t say I wasn’t a wreck, but it got done. Last summer, I travelled to Chicago alone, and I didn’t get lost even one time. I was pretty freaking proud of myself.
You’ll do fine my directionally challenged sister.
July 13th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
woo hoo! can’t wait to meet you, chin hair and all.
July 13th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Wish I could be there to hear you speak.
July 13th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
damn. I wish I could be there.
July 13th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Ass-id.
You crack me up.
I, too, am having BlogHer anxiety issues. Last night I had a weird miss-my-plane dream because I, too, am petrified to fly. Today I gathered all of my shoes together and stared at them for half an hour. Then I plucked my eyebrows and they started bleeding. Also? I asked my husband to burn (burn!) off some skin tags with liquid nitrogen and he looked at me and said, “Because bright red, burnt skin will look better at your conference?”
Seriously. What is wrong with me?
July 13th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I love Sky Mall! All those hair removal products and traveling clotheslines and……
I believe you will be fine. Easy for me to say huh?
July 13th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Jealous of you, chin hair and all… Wish I could be at Blogher… couldja PLEEZE pick somewhere nice and close to me next time? Like CANADA??
Have a splendid time… I absolutely cannot wait to hear all about it!!
xoxo CGF
July 13th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
You’re going to do wonderfully! Just get your face waxed and the other things manicured and wear something super absorbent…just kidding…I am so sorry I’m not going to be there to hear you speak…record it for those of us who can’t be there? Oh…and HAVE FUN!!
July 13th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Okay…the bikini wax thing made me laugh out loud! That is so something I would do…as if you are going to show someone that area! Well…..there will be cocktails! (hee-hee)
At least you are getting to go….I will be on a week long trip with Mr. Mayhem and the kids and we (MM and I) are not speaking at the moment. ASS! *sigh*
I will say an extra prayer that you make it safely, with an imprint free behind!
YOU WILL DO GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 13th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
Yeah, I’m with you on the flying. Hopefully next year, they’ll hold BlogHer somewhere I can walk to. (Like Cleveland.) The only thing that makes me feel better about not going this year, though, is the fact that I can sit at home and pig out in the knowledge that I have some 300+ days to shape up for BlogHer ’09. Now, you go out there and kick some BlogHer butt!!!
July 13th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
I am sure that you will be just fine.
But now I wish that there was a BlogGuy…for us dudes! Although I’m sure I’d have nothing relevant to say…besides showing off my burping ad farting abilities.
Good luck and keep us posted.
July 13th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Ass-id…heh heh. I laughed the whole way through this!
WTF with the chin hair? Seriously, there’s always one long ass hair that hides out until it’s an inch long and you’re in your car without tweezers and suddenly you see it in the bright light of day.
I so, so wish that I was going to BlogHer with you. Maybe next year we can take the same flight? Then we can make a UFO formation, which will really freak people out.
July 13th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
dammit how I wish I was going. We’ll be thinking of you at our little soire in niagara.
July 13th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I also hate…
the plane.
the bikini wax.
the chin hair.
See you there.
July 13th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
I’m willing to bet that you will have a great flight, great time and a great hit as a speaker in SF! Enjoy! And let us know what happened…
July 13th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
I knew there was a reason I wanted to go… Can’t wait to hear your post game wrap up.
I completely understand the pre-travel work-up. I’d be the same way. I have my own little prep routine, and most of the time I’m not getting in front of people.
July 13th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Well, at least you’re honest! I’m so excited for you that you’re getting to meet all of your blogging friends, which is something I would love to do one day.
How large is the audience you’ll be speaking to?
Also, I’m really glad you liked my poem. The comment you left was very nice.
July 13th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Chin hairs? They appear by spontaneous growth. Honest. Look away for a second and **poof** Three wirey centimeter-long bristles! Magically really. And not just because they make me — in the words of my son — look like a witch.
Good luck at BlogHer. I’d be nervous even attending, much less speaking. But I’m sure you’ll be grand.
July 13th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Ah! You must carry a toilet seat on stage with you when you speak. Only the true Flutter Fans will get it.
Good luck, my friend!
July 13th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
mrs flutter, i beet you have the curliest eyelashes on the planet! and please leave your beard alone – people will know it is a homage to my good self…
July 14th, 2008 at 4:09 am
That was hands down your funniest post ever.
I have the same visions of being sucked through the hole in airplane toilets. Weird huh?
I love this side of you, you crazy woman.
July 14th, 2008 at 5:30 am
You’ll be fine.
Worst-case scenario: The dreaded belch that escapes will be toxic, ignite the hairspray of the many glamorous women there, and people in San Fran will think it’s 1906 as a conflagration consumes everything from San Jose to Oakland..
More likely scenario: You’ll do great and your anxiety will make you seem more genuine.
Just breathe. That’s a good trick.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:34 am
Oh. MY.
You’ll do great, woman. Go get ‘em.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:39 am
Oh, how I wish I could see you speak…
I will be keeping my fingers crossed that your flight and trip to the hotel are uneventful. Somehow, I think you’ll make it.
I heard there were floods in Arizona on the news this morning ~ I don’t know if it is happening anywhere near where you are but I am hoping you’re Ok.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:16 am
Yeah, so, I got a bikini wax in preparation. Not sure who’s going to be examining my bikini line, but when they do, I’ll be ready. Can’t wait to hear you speak!
July 14th, 2008 at 7:43 am
dude. word.
I think I may have shit more than you so far.
yeah. um. Plus I get to drive my crappy 16 year old car 300 miles down to the city and hope that I don’t die from the exhaust that now seem to be leaking from somewhere.
So. Um. Thursday? Let’s start drinking at lunchtime or something.
You have my my cell #. Hit me up, yo’.
We’re arriving by 1.
xo
July 14th, 2008 at 8:07 am
I’m so sad I’m not going to be there. I would love to meet you in person. 27 times, seriously? Woman, you need to get that checked out:) Have a wonderful time and yes, I worry about my ass getting sucked into the airplane toilets too.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:30 am
ugh. i so wish i could go and see that lovely face.
damn, girl. you are too, too funny.
July 14th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I’m not going this year — hoping for next — but if I were, I’d be freaking out too.
Um, that’s probably didn’t help much.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I so wish I could be there to hear you talk and give you a big hug! Also, I could introduce the foot-long grey hair that grows out of my earlobe to your chin hair.
July 14th, 2008 at 11:38 am
you could have used that hair for dental floss. Or to escape some perilous situation! I think it was just your body rewarding you with one extra tool in your toolbox. :giggles:
Have fun. Be yourself. You are already loved. xo
July 14th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
What time you get in on Thursday?
ditto on the grooming, but you knew that.
and knitting needles are tsa friendly.
July 14th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Crapola…I really wish I were going now. I wasn’t, until you told me about your hair-free chin. *grin*
Have a fantastic time!!! You rock!
July 14th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
i can’t believe you aren’t getting a wax. now we’ll all be talking about it. i mean really.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Dude I so wish I could meet you! Next year. Trust Kyla, it’ll rock balls and you’ll look back and laugh at all the preparation…which is as about elaborate as getting married, lol! Just take the Bart to the closest stop and get off and hail a cab with the hotel addy. Easy peasy. And have a fuckin’ BLAST!
July 15th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Boy, can I relate to this post. I am scrambling to get ready. Got my hair cut and highlighted and am putting off going shopping (erm, I think since I leave tomorrow am that it’s today or not at all)…all my clothes either don’t fit or are worn out…Do you think I could attend BlogHer in my pjs?
I am really looking forward to meeting you!
July 15th, 2008 at 9:00 am
A new reader wishes you good luck!! I’ll be at Netroots Nation in Austin, not speaking thank heavens!! I am quite certain that I would also be belching
Have a wonderful time.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Hello you hysterical cutie! And I mean that as in…hilariously funny. You nailed it EXACTLY. It does feel like a blind date. I can’t wait to meet you. That’s cool that you are doing the BART. It will depend on my luggage situation…Elizabeth Taylor plan – that’s me!
I am pretty looney tunes with office uproar over hear, but I did post some bling for you. Come get it.
Smooches!
Oh, and the poem above – SO lovely!
July 15th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I so can’t wait to meet you! Whoo-hoo!
July 15th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Oh, you’ll be the burper? Cool.
July 15th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
See you there?!!
July 16th, 2008 at 12:24 am
OMG! I thought there was only one of you – this is EXACTLY what Bea does before, during and after she has to deal with a plane. Except for the bikini wax – glad you skipped it – ouch.
You’re going to be fab, you know. I hate that I’m going to miss seeing you get up and SPEAK!!!! If you get nervous (duh!), think of me and how I would tell you some obscene joke about what everyone else’s bikini wax looks like. You know, like an ice breaker, only mumbled.
July 16th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Uh-huh. I’m sure you’ll do just fine. Relax and enjoy yourself.
July 16th, 2008 at 11:24 am
I don’t care how much you shit, fart, burt or how hairy you are. I am so glad to meet you and to give you a hug. xo. J
July 16th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Let’s meet. For a really loud giggle and some awkwardness, yes?
July 16th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
laugh.out.loud
July 16th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Okay, is this, like, your hightest comment count ever? If so, take it as testament to how truly charming you are when you throw your anxieties out there for everyone to nod at. We are all with you; we all admire that you can be honest. I’m now triply peeved that I don’t make enough $$ to hit this conference and be equally freaked out. I would be the right person for you to see in the lobby of the hotel, though, as I tweeze scary crap off my face, too…and I’ve never used hair dye or had a manicure, so you’ll look all cosmopolitan and polished next to me. Yea, that’s me: the person nervous people want to be compared against.