here’s a doozy
BlogHer.
I came, I saw, I laughed. I also cried and felt like crap and walked and walked and walked. I drank, I ate (although people might argue that I actually ingested) and I talked. Too much, maybe. Not enough? Maybe. I witnessed the catastrophic and beautiful. I witnessed the bizarre and the divine.
I witnessed too many variables for my empathic side to process properly. I slept like hell, tripped over everything and smacked into walls. I lost the fake nail on my left traffic finger on the first day, and proceeded to pop the rest of them off in solidarity. It was that kind of weekend.
How do I describe the beauty of so many people there? So much kindness?
Kiki and QT, who let me tag around and saved me from BART all alone? Who became my partners in crime?
liv, who took on a spaz for a roommate, who is beautiful and hilarious. And who loves zuzka? A lot?
KC whose smile is so radiant that it glows? Who introduces me to people that SHE doesn’t even know?
jen, who is even more amazing in person?
Lori who shares hotdogs and life with a stranger in the park? (oh shit, I totally owe you a quarter!)
Janet, and her friend M- who let me work out some massage aggression and made me laugh, and refused to order duck ass soup?
JCK who is hot and sassy as hell. Andrea who seems a friend I have had forever…even though we just met?
So many more, who I met. This one, who made me cry at my own panel (you stinker). This one who sought me out to introduce herself. So many more I laughed with and dined with and oogled over their beautiful daughter.
All of this against a backdrop of something slightly uneasy in nature. The feeling as though I was a periphery observer to my own body having this experience, being in this place. The panel I was on, gave me an opportunity to say thank you to a few of you who put up with me here. Who listen to my meandering and my triumphs. Those of you who deal with flutter’s depress-o-blog and remain by my side. Thank you.
But with this came a distinct sense of what it truly is to be in this large of a group of women. Have mercy, kids that is a lot of vagina power. There are nuances and subtleties and….I can’t quite put words to it. Women are tougher than men to wrangle. To understand. I was openly flogged on a couple of occasions by the machete-like nature of a couple of women’s mouths.
I was surprised.
Truth? It made me re-evaluate this space. It made me rethink my priorities and what it is to be a writer who writes about the things I do. It taught me that I desperately need balance. I desperately need to take my own needs into consideration. That what I do here lacks focus. That what I am doing in life right now lacks focus.
Things are going to change.
Amazing what 4 days in San Francisco will do.
if for some reason I forgot to link you shoot me an email. I am old and tired- not an asshole! ;p
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:41 pm
I’m so glad you got this experience, and glad it’s leading to more for you.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Out of all the blogher recaps this one is the truest for me. You spoke the words that have been rattling around in my brain for days now.
I adored meeting you. Adored it. Thank you for bringing me joy during my trip.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I regret not getting you to myself for an hour and a half. Stupid Southwest.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Flutter, here’s my thought.. straight from the gut.
I believe you are going to write a book. I absolutely believe this. I believe it will be in the next couple of years. I believe I will go to Borders and buy a copy. It feels that certain.
You mention being unfocused and the first thought that came to my head is “focus on writing the book.”
You are a very, very good evocative writer.. an Anais Nin type of writer. You seriously have a future.
No kidding!
Of course I hope you will continue writing here, too… just saying
Just give it some thought. Are you ready?
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Follow that heart of yours; let those beautiful wings guide you.
And know that no matter, you have a safe landing here with me.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:13 pm
That was a whole lot of wimmins (and a whole lot of links…rest, rest my child).
I’m curious what this all means…
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
tired, my foot. you are TOTALLY an asshole. and now, i toss my hair melodramatically and make a phenomenal exit.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
who were those machete ladies? joker will cock his leg on them for you! i’m with chani’s idea of writing a book – go on mrs flutter, get out yr pen!
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:15 pm
oh, babydoll – i couldn’t imagine sitting in front of anyone and defending my blog. The fact that you tried – and in the most gracious way – speaks to your character.
I love you, sweets. Don’t forget it.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:24 pm
This sounds about right. I mean, maybe it’s not right, but this sounds like what happens.
I can’t imagine why anyone would think you need to defend your blog. Fuck ‘em.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:33 pm
I think Chani nailed it.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Chani did nail it.
You are going to do big things. Your talent is taking off. Travel is good, no matter what the final outcome. Change is good.
And now I will go off to bed muttering platitudes…
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:42 am
Did your blog just eat my comment? I think it did.
*sigh*
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:43 am
One more time.
I feel everything you said (God, I wish I didn’t) but you are real and strong and you keep me centered. I love that I get to hear your blog voice and your real voice but I think the world needs to hear your book voice. You have no idea how talented you are and how amazing I think you are.
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:26 am
you always keep it real my beauty and this post says EXACTLY the words that needed to be said about this weekend.
mostly, i walk away from SF needing to reevaluate some things i saw in myself that i don’t like. at. all.
any time that occurs, it’s a good thing.
i love you. xo
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:25 am
San Francisco will do that to people
Sounds like you had an amazing time — I’m sorry I missed it. I’ve heard (read) wonderful things about your panel.
onward, upward. I’m with you the whole way =)
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:38 am
Blogher better be in D.C. or Philly next year. That’s all I’m saying.
And that thing I said yesterday.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:43 am
Of the many mistakes I made at BlogHer, not hanging more with you is one I regret most, Flutter. Especially after Janet told me about the awesome massages. Wait. That was more narcissistic than I meant it to be. I left with similar feelings, perhaps more severe, about what I am doing with this whole blog thing and whether the time could be better spent. I don’t know for sure how it will shake out for me (although I’m fairly convinced I can see the probable end), but I’m looking forward to watching where you go.
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:22 am
what if you had an outer body experience and you farted on yourself? what happens then?
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:24 am
Hmm. I had a few thoughts for a comment, but I don’t think I’m getting the whole picture and I might be going in the wrong direction.
No matter what, I can agree with and support taking your own needs into consideration.
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:35 am
Interesting.
Enjoying the non rah-rah tone. Drama is exhausting. The solitary writerly life clashes with blogging, inherently. When you figure all this out, I demand you share with me. I still want all the good that can come from this, I just don’t know how to filter out the bad. Mostly I want you to do what’s best for you. You know I’m still here, reading, waiting, ready to help with your Next Big Thing. Wish I could have met you in person, though. Damn.
Blogher 09: Wisconsin? Come on, it’s totally a destination station.
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:50 am
“I witnessed too many variables for my empathic side to process properly.” Yes, definitely.
I’m so glad I got to meet you. I just regret I didn’t get to give you one last hug before we all flew away home.
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:52 am
I can understand that feeling of dis-ease. “The feeling as though I was a periphery observer to my own body having this experience, being in this place.” Yeah. That’s me. Everyday. Like I’m meant to do something, and yet I watch myself saying and doing things and interacting with people and family and feeling a certain amount of disconnect. It’s not comfortable. It’s not “safe”. It’s hard being trapped in this head observing everything and feeling powerless to affect it. I also know, somewhere in there, that this is NOT TRUE. That I’m living a life, loving people and having a profound effect on a few.
Just keep going. You’ll be fine. You’ll do great things. I know that, too.
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:00 am
A blog, to me, is a place for me to share my story, not because I think my story is that important or so different from others, but because for me, I need to share my story. I think sharing our stories is a very old, almost primal need that human beings have. It eases our aloneness.
As for what others think, fuck em. I know that’s easy to say and much harder to live but your story is your story. It is sacred because it is yours. Sending you a hug and good thoughts.
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:05 am
It sounds like an amazing, inspiring time. I agree with the others…a book should be in the offing for you. I can’t wait to pick up a copy and say, “I’ve been reading Flutter for years!”
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:11 am
of course you are not an asshole, love.
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:19 am
you’re the best. keep doing what you do. fuck the sock people.
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:19 am
Wow, could you have looked more GORGEOUS? Fab girl, really fab!
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:25 am
i can’t wait to see what unfolds next for you, babe.
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:34 am
M. and I had a conversation on the way home from the airport, where we pondered why women seem to bring out the very worst and the very best in each other. For the record, you’re on my ‘very best’ list. I enjoyed you immensely, and not just because you touched my weary feet with your magic hands.
I have no doubt that you will publish an amazing book, hopefully one day very soon.
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:32 am
I love those life changing weekends…and it never has to be a long amount of days does it? I am excited to see all the new changes!!
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:56 am
Well I love you just the way you are (and your blog, an extension of you) but I’m anxious to see what you’re brewing, too. I hope you’re able to find your focus…
And I don’t think anyone will ever think you’re an asshole!
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:59 am
It sounds like it was lovely and incredibly overwhelming, at the same time! I would have loved to meet you, but not in a crowd – who can talk?
I’m looking forward to reading the fruits of your epiphany – focus is good!
Oh, and what Chani said – yeah, there’s a book in there!
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:14 am
Life is full of assholes no matter the best of intentions. Glad you and many of my other friends were there to balance it out.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:21 am
you really did say it perfectly.
and I agree most whole-heartedly about the book thing.
you are crazy talented, dude.
xo
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:55 am
you really really are talented. do you believe us yet? a book would be amazing. you do what you need to do.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:05 am
I think it was “duck balls soup”.
xoxo
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:26 am
In the end there are no rules–only to be true to you. I think people who try to tell you what you are doing “wrong” are really saying “I really have this twisted need to have my voice heard in this space–otherwise I’m not certain I exist.”
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:51 am
I probably will never go to Blogher. Just not my thing. But it means missing meeting some amazing people. You are one of the few women that make me almost…aaaaaaalmost consider going next year.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:07 am
can’t believe i didn’t get more time with you. you are lovely.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Yes, anxiously awaiting the book that you will someday write. Chani speaks truth.
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:00 pm
So, are you saying that basically you had an enjoyable time?
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I’m sorry you feel like that – but sometimes making sure our focus is where we want it to be is a GOOD thing, too.
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
On the Friday Blogher started, I felt sad that I wasn’t going-seriously out of the loop. By Sunday, after reading all the posts, I knew I had made the right decision. The minute I focus on anything (drama, popularity, money, snark) but the writing, I’m tanked. No matter what, it’s all about the writing.
But I do love a good party! And so, so many bloggers.
I’m looking forward to reading about your newly desired focus. Did anyone tape your talk? I would love to hear it.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I wish I was there to meet you!
You’re allowed to re-focus, change, whatever but if you leave? I will find you and force you to tell me bed time stories in lieu of writing this blog. Understand?
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:34 pm
It was wonderful to meet you. You were terrific and compelling at your panel. I had a fabulous time last weekend, really amazing, but it does make me look at my blog a little differently now that there are faces reading my words instead of just names. Odd.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:34 pm
I agree with your feelings of self-reevaluation that came from the experience. And the machete-like voices. You describe it perfectly. I watched your talk, but didn’t meet you personally. But now I am reading you, and glad that the conference at least turned me on to some wonderful people that I SHOULD be reading, such as you.
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:41 pm
I have few regrets about going to BlogHer08, because I knew going in that it wasn’t necessarily going to be the best fit for me. One of those few regrets, however, is that I didn’t get the chance to chase you down and introduce myself and give you a hug. Someday, though – perhaps BH09… in Wisconsin?
July 23rd, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Well, why do you have to focus? Why does everything have to have a purpose? I think the purpose (if there has to be one) can be to get out what needs to be out, nothing more, nothing less. And this is not a depress o blog, it’s a real o blog and it needs no defense. Now, I’m off on a little machete hunt.
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Wow… I have read many post-BlogHer posts, but nobody was quite as melancholy or evocative as you. I REALLY hope you don’t pull a MaggieDammit because I couldn’t bear to lose another of my favorite bloggers…
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:37 pm
wow, that’s a lot of estrogen, woman.
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:10 pm
You can buy me a hotdog at BlogHer 09 and we’ll call it even, ‘kay? I loved meeting you and listening to your panel. BlogHer is a bit odd, but if it leads you to make good changes than it was well worth it!
July 24th, 2008 at 6:51 am
I’m glad you got so much from the conference.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Glad your back, Sweetie. And so happy you had a time . . . good, bad, and WTF.
Looking forward to the changes. Just don’t stop being you . . .
B
July 24th, 2008 at 9:23 am
I have found many life changing words hear and I look forward to reading many more.
You are a gift to my future*
July 24th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Ah, babe, how is it that you always manage to nail exactly what I’m thinking in a far more eloquent way? I think Chani is right – you will touch people with your writing, whether in a book or on this blog. You’ve made me think soooo often on this blog in ways I couldn’t even begin to tell you right here.
I think I said it on my last post – what you are doing here is for you. And your writing touches people and gives hope to so many because of who you are and what you’ve been through. During the darkest days of my depression, your blog was a shining light for me. I don’t know that I’ve told you that, but it was. You should never have to defend your blog, but if you feel you do just know that you have made a difference. xoxo
Oh – I’m at lawyermama.com now. Lost the blogspot! (-;
July 24th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I have no focus in my life either, it’s irratating. Keep it real and keep your writing what it is, that is what people like.
July 24th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
one of those epiphany times huh? neat. you are lucky.
July 24th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
You have so many gifts, writing is only one of them. I was sad to hear you were in a position where you had to defend your blog. I would say it was their issue and not yours, because your blog is beautiful. Honest writing, on the mark insights into yourself and others. I would love to see you write your book, but I hope you don’t change too much. Listen to yourself.
July 25th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
I should hate you for being so beautiful and talented and all sorts of awesome but instead, I just admire and love. Thanks for letting me indulge my tactile obsession on your shawl.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
You have managed both to be very thorough and honest–and to leave me wanting more.
July 26th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Who was mean to you? I want names! Tell me so I can go kick their asses!
July 27th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Periphery observer. That feeling, even in the thick of it: YES.
xo
July 28th, 2008 at 10:21 am
what HBM said. i just sit and nod as I read the post-blogher wrap ups. and you are totally not a spazz, although you could be better at flat ironing the back of your hair. and srsly? get that one leg under control.