on beating a dead horse
I am a little heartsick today.
This thing, that I have consistently fought for the bulk of my life, is front and center these days. In this process of interviewing and changing direction comes the absolute terror of having to show myself. Having to be seen. As my troll so succinctly pointed out the other day, this comes with a fair amount of disdain from other people. More accurately it comes with a fair amount of disdain from myself.
I am of the belief that everyone has their own shit. I believe, no I know, that there are as many thin women out there as big girls that hate their own skin. I know there are women out there who want what I have as much as I want not to have it. I realize I am not the biggest person in the room (well, right at the moment I am, since I am here alone). But on days like these, where I am dressed to the nines, where I am sparkling and shiny in front of someone who may or may not want to hire me…on days like this I wish I had beauty in my corner.
Because prejudice against weight is still acceptable. If you are too fat, it is acceptable for people to be cruel. If you are too thin, it is acceptable for people to be cruel. It is one more boulder in my already too heavy bag of burden, that I have placed on myself. I don’t blame society for my weight. I don’t think anyone or anything is responsible for what I am, other than me. But some days, the cruelty of people is overwhelming.
Like the waiter who once went out of his way to tell me that half portions were available. Like the man at the grocery store who suggested I buy diet soda instead of regular, if I “want to get ahold of that weight problem” ( I was buying for The Boy, and not myself). Or the man I used to work with, who told me he would love to nail me if my ass just wasn’t so big. What a blinding compliment. Or a boss of mine, from many years ago who told me I was lucky to be covered under group insurance because “if you tried to get insurance with how big you are, you’d never get covered”. Her eyes followed me and carefully took in everything I ate, or didn’t.
When I went on a medical fast, living only on protein shakes and water, it was her that bought me Valentine’s Day candy. She put it on my desk with a big pink bow. She signed it “For when you cheat, might as well be good.” I hadn’t eaten solid food for 4 months, the box swam underneath the tears that poured out of my eyes and stained the bow with drips of my mascara.
I’d lost almost 100 pounds when the doctor in charge of my progress told me she hadn’t expected me to be so pretty. That she was shocked that it had emerged “underneath all that mess”.
So in times like these, where my ego has already taken a hit, I burrow further inside my walls. I stay hidden underneath this barrier of fat to keep myself from being visible. While I long to dance and shimmer and glow, my fear buries me deeper. Nothing that a nasty troll says, is worse than what I have told myself.
It hurts. That same old song, I have been playing for 33 years. It hurts. It is not so easy to just work it out and walk it off, when the fear underneath fights you tooth and nail to hold onto it. To hold onto that thing which is killing you.
Dying in inches. In pounds. This yo yo has got to end.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
mrs flutter – what do you weigh and how tall are you? herself looks much fatter than you look in your photos. you look pretty ok to me. i think because you live in america you have to be thinner than my folks do.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Please forward all names and addresses of those that offend you. Picture if available.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
This post made me delurk… people can be so so cruel. When the trolls get you down, think of all the wonderful people you know and lean on them to lift you up. You’re worth more than you’ll ever know.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I just can not believe people have been so cruel and insensitive to you!! I can not imagine making a comment about someone’s weight like that! And at my heaviest (size 18, 195 lbs on my 5’3″ frame ~ not pregnant), I never heard people say things like that to my face. Oh, I said them to myself… definitely. But strangers never said anything like that in ear shot. I am astounded at the gall some people have! I’m sorry that you’ve had to endure it.
If only they could see you through my eyes ~ they would see pure beauty and nothing else.
August 8th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I am as surprised as Amy Y – I cannot fathom people having the gall to say these things to you. Our culture is obsessed with youth and skinniness. It is one of the last remaining prejudices accepted by our society. That doesn’t make it right, and it certainly doesn’t define what beauty really is. And most of all it doesn’t define you, no matter what they say. People who say things like that have emotional issues they should look after instead of harassing others.
You DO have beauty on your side, I’ve seen it in every post I’ve read here.
(and in a picture or two that leaked out of blogher!)
August 8th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I’m tearing and nodding in agreement.
Yes, the cruelty is just too much sometimes. Even when we know that we are beautiful people, the nastiness can sometimes be just too much.
Many hugs, love.
August 8th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Christ people can be cruel. I think you’re beautiful. xo
August 8th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
my comment just got eaten.
people feel some sort of entitlement to make comments that are so fucking rude. get out of my ass with the microscope already!
i love you. be kind to yourself sister, you rule. really. xo
August 8th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
You are amazing both inside and out and anyone that cannot appreciate your beauty F*ckum. We are a very judgemental society these days and that makes me sick. You have all the gifts and talents that make you marketable in the work world just remember that. When you are sitting across the table from an prospective employeer YOU are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you. Are they worthy of you? Shift you brain that way and it will make all the difference in the world. Hugs
August 8th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
This makes me want to give a few people a nice old fashioned ass kicking. Its the Mama Bear in me, I think.
August 8th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
It is one of the last holdouts, painful. I went swimming today with my friend and 7 kids. It pains me to know that the young men feel timid because they are too bony and they are just as sensitive about that as I am about my ass.
And everyone feels the need to tell you what you are doing wrong.
It’s exhausting.
I wish I could change it for you, but I guess all I can say is I want you to be healthy and strong. F*ck the rest.
August 8th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Wow, I can’t believe the cruelty factor. People like that, with small and/or ignorant brains, say that shit because they (a) have bigger issues (b) have insecurities or (c) are about to have a 5150 go down.
Get yourself pampered. You deserve it.
August 8th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Unlike those who can’t believe it, I’m not surprised at all. I’ve lived it. I know all of what you speak. Hugs honey.
August 8th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
((((HUGS)))) You are beautiful, inside and out. So many assholes walk among us and even thou we want that invisible shield around us so badly, bottom line it hurts. So many people feel better (because they feel so bad about themselves) by hurting others. It makes no sense to me. I walk with you, hoping that invisible shield will eventually come, and we know true self love.
XXXXXX
August 8th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
I know how you feel. It sucks to feel like every time you are eating in public, someone is looking at you and thinking, “she doesn’t need that” (and often, someone IS). When it comes to being overweight, people often equate it with being lazt, dirty, stinky, stupid, all kind of derogatory things. I think that drug and alcohol addictions are more sympathized with than weight problems. I have learned to love myself (at least more than I used to) just as I am, but I still feel insecure and digusted with myself at times.
August 8th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
meh, screw em all. you have the boy who thinks you are obviously one hot chick, and you have the rest of us telling you how beautiful you are…you’ve done and are doing amazing things, the weight “issues” are between you and your doctor and are no one else’s business.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Dude, better to be overweight than an ill-mannered asshole. Unbelievable. I’m sorry that people have been so mean to you.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
You are beautiful. Inside and outside.
I’m sick to death of media beating us with images of skeletal “perfection.” I have a daughter, and this is one of the reasons I’m glad we don’t watch TV. But it is everywhere.
There was a line in “Judging Amy” once where the granddaughter asked the grandmother “Grandma, what’s anorexia?” The grandmother (played by Tyne Daly) said “It’s a disease young women get from reading magazines.”
I would get in line to kick the asses of anyone who says such hateful things to you. Because it’s easy to say “I’m not going to let it bother me.” Much harder is it to live up to that promise.
xoxo
Mary
August 8th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
That cruelty says more about the speaker(s) than it does about you. Nevertheless, cruel people suck. Shit, I still have to get you that book.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
People are unimaginabley cruel and it never ceases to surprise me.
Looking for flaws and weakness in others just seems to be the worst part of human nature.
I know it sounds cavalier and flip but really. Fuck em all.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
I was stunned when the man sitting next to me at Cirque du Soleil actually had the nerve to nudge me and say, of the person in front of us, “I’d hate to be sitting next to her.” I so wish I had said, “I hate sitting next to you,” but I said nothing at all. Obviously the wrong choice, as I’m the one who still has it on my conscience.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Apparently trolls abound. I’m sorry. That so many people have so much of their own shit that they don’t want to deal with that they’d rather dump it on you. Because I can’t imagine anyone with their shit together, ever saying any of those things, to anyone.
Sending a virtual hug. It’s not much but just so you know, if you lived in this city, or vice versa, we’d be sitting together on a patio someplace, drinking something intoxicating. Then we could be scandalous together:)
August 8th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
(((hug)))
August 8th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
honest truth here, hon: i think you are beautiful. i can honestly remember the first time i saw you in any way – it was a video you’d posted here. and when i saw you, i thought to myself, “gosh, she’s so beautiful!” i hadn’t expected you NOT to be, but i hadn’t particularly expected anything one way or another. and you were just… gorgeous to me. i really believe that. i know that hearing that doesn’t always help, but i just wanted you to know that.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
If I could wrap my arms around you now. I would.
August 9th, 2008 at 2:04 am
You are beautiful. It’s impossible to hide that.
But I understand the trying. {{{hugs}}}
August 9th, 2008 at 3:12 am
What are those people seeing??? I have seen your pictures now, and you really are a very beautiful woman. Maybe I’m crazy, but I don’t find the current thinness fad all that appealing. And you can almost always tell the ones who are trying to starve themselves from the ones who are just naturally wispy, if you know what I mean.
So yeah. I know anything I say has to make it past your internal Judge (have you read the Four Agreements? LOVE that book), and that nothing I say will magically change your self-image, but seriously. You are a classic beauty in my opinion. And of course to me my opinion is the best, so there you go.
You are wonderful.
Feel better soon.
(((You)))
August 9th, 2008 at 3:46 am
Small minded, bitter, cruel people who are determined to push you under. Don’t let them. You are beautiful and you shine brighter than those people can ever dream of.
August 9th, 2008 at 5:38 am
I want to thank you for this post, Flutter. You are saying what people don’t talk about, what people keep bottled up deep down so it eats them up slowly. I applaud your strength, in life and in writing this post. And I understand some of it; there are people who are very close to me who are overweight, who live with those thinly veiled comments every day, from others, people who should care, but are just practicing judgment.
Too few people really look inside to see what’s there, taking their focus off of the outside, but I promise you, Flutter – I am one of those people. I’m looking at you both on the outside and on the inside, and from what I see, you are a beauty, indeed.
August 9th, 2008 at 6:08 am
From the photos you’ve posted, I see that you ARE beautiful.
There also is beauty in your words and in your voice. (September 2007 archives, if anyone here missed Fifi’s performance)
The people you’ve just described, on the other hand, are the owners of shriveled-up souls.
Be true to yourself. Be true to that beauty you DO — I promise — possess.
August 9th, 2008 at 6:15 am
I have a reputation for being blunt, but it would never occur to me to say any of the things that have been said to you. I’m aghast, and as usual embarrassed of certain representations of humanity. I wonder what these morons are trying to achieve?
There will always be people who are too fucking lazy to see beyond packaging, and it’s really sad because they are the ones who are missing out on all the richness life has to offer.
August 9th, 2008 at 7:54 am
I’m seeing red. Unbelievable stupidity and cruelty on the part of these morons who have said such things to you. Being heavy myself, my second worst critics are my parents (the first being me), but never a stranger. The bullies on the playground do grow up, and they don’t get any better.
((((christine)))))
August 9th, 2008 at 8:13 am
My grandmother used to bitch at me about my weight. Then serve biscuits and gravy with eggs soaked in grease and ham thick as your pinkie. I grew up knowing that food brought comfort. Meant a good time was being had by all and starving was not an option.
Now that I’ve lost a bunch of weight, people do treat me differently. They take me seriously more than they used to. And I’ve gotten more serious. Quieter. Less willing to spout off or entertain just to fit in.
It’s a cruel world, and I’ve seen both sides.
I’m sending you a super duper tysdaddy hug, one that lasts longer than usual and imparts grace and understanding . . .
August 9th, 2008 at 9:15 am
This is me, wrapping my arms around you in a big, huge, hug. (((())))
I hate that people are so cruel. It takes my breath away that people would say those things to other people.
August 9th, 2008 at 9:55 am
People are such assholes! They have to have crappy lives themselves to treat other people with such cruelty.
When I saw the pictures of you at blogher, I thought to myself, “My god, she’s as beautiful on the outside as her writing is.” I didn’t leave that as a comment then because I didn’t want you to think I was shallow. So I tell you that now.
I know it won’t take your pain away, but maybe it will ease it a little as I add my voice to the others here who think you are pretty freaking awesome and would love to know you IRL and support you in times like these.
Good luck on your interviews. I hope you find a job that inspires and energizes you.
August 9th, 2008 at 10:40 am
WOAH, you got a comment from Katie! That’s huge, dude. You have no idea.
This post makes me want to punch somebody. Kick lots and lots and lots of balls, and then hug and cuddle you. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, you.
August 9th, 2008 at 10:54 am
I say fuck them all! Those are ignorant people. People you should not even acknowledge. Clearly no one taught them any manners. I go through it all the time with my daughter, it hurts her and me, but I always answer back, have you seen yourself? It is tough, I also get those stares and looks and comments. I wish I could give you a huge hug. We love you.
August 9th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I guess I am surprised and not. Not surprised that people can say such cruel things – unfortunately I have experienced that. But I just see a beautiful you. So I am surprised you have been on the receiving end of such comments.
August 9th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
I’m like qt, I just can’t believe someone as radiant as you would be hit with such intense negativity. It’s incomprehensible to me that people feel the freedom to say such spiteful things. Damn this makes me want to kick some ass!
August 9th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
I sometimes wonder if there are very many people out there who have never had anyone be cruel to them because of something about their appearance.
I may not understand exactly how you feel, but apparently, some people think i am too tall, and want me to know it.
xxoo
August 9th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
God, this post spoke to me. You’re a fabulous writer and a wonderful person.
August 9th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
I have said it before and I will say it again – you are beautiful flutter, beautiful.
August 9th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
If only we could at least stick up for ourselves; fat or thin, women never seem to measure up somehow, and the thoughtlessly cruel things that come out of our own mouths sometimes…who needs trolls?
I had a woman ask me once, when my baby was due. I wasn’t pregnant, and she was actually heavier than me. When I responded I wasn’t el prego, I know she was appalled at herself, but it didn’t make it smart any less. I went home and cried.
You are so much more, We are all so much more than our weight or size. Now if only we could believe that.
Love ya babe.
August 9th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
I can’t say anything anyone hasn’t already said. I am sorry you are going through this and that the world is cruel. Just be better then they are. You are already smarter and prettier.
August 9th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
A doctor? A doctor said that? Brains obviously do NOT translate into emotional intelligence.
Personally, I’m very sensitive about my chin. I have no chin. Zero chin. I’m chin deficient. And I’m very sensitive about this. I will not permit my photo to be taken in profile. I don’t wear turtle necks because it’s hard to say when my neck ends and my face begins. Which is why, every time you publish a photo, I gush about your lovely chin. I covet your chin.
August 10th, 2008 at 5:22 am
That bitch bought you chocolates? I want to bitch slap her. I want to take you under my wing and gently push that extra fear from around you. No matter what you weigh in the end you’ll be just as beautiful as you are now…just “lighter”.
What is wrong with society? Other than being bombarded with the constant images of thin, or you need to try to be. In the checkout yesterday and looking around I was saddened by what I saw. I was horrified, shocked and overwhelmed. I don’t look anymore because I am (mostly) OK with my size and my imperfections. But I was looking at these magazines as a mom for the first time, my daughter being old enough to read now. “Loss 10 pounds in 2 weeks!” “How did Marie lose the weight?” “Lite Desserts – Ways to Cheat that Won’t Hurt too Much.” We’re f’d. I can only hope the dialogue we’ve opened with my daughter stays OPEN. I can already see her prejudices developing in the fold of her friends. My daughter is skinny. I try not to mention it but she identifies herself this way. I hear her friends “taunt” her. She smiles…
August 10th, 2008 at 5:25 am
I have to add, when I first started coming here somehow, somewhere I saw a picture of you. I was shocked that you were so beautiful. I had read all of your heavy words. You truly are very striking. I had expected to see some of the horrors register on your face, I suppose. I’m an idiot. Your spirit, however, registers on your face. It IS light. I always imagine you as the one with the wings.
August 10th, 2008 at 6:07 am
…The bastards.
August 10th, 2008 at 6:59 am
Those “old songs” are what I call “old tapes” in my head. I must remind myself to change the tape. Play a new song. Your beauty needs to be sung.
xoxo
p.s. I’ve never been shocked to find you “pretty”. You just are and that’s why I like you so much.
August 10th, 2008 at 7:35 am
Is it some sort of sickness that would make someone say something negative about your weight and then turn around and give you candy? I am so sorry that someone would even think that was OK to do to you…and experiences like that are why we all have a hard time with our body image. I hope that you know your beauty shines in everything you say and do…and you’ll find a way to clip the string on the yo-yo…
August 10th, 2008 at 8:21 am
I’m so sorry. I just don’t understand how people can be so mean. It’s so easy to take it personal when it’s really not about you but the troll’s own bullshit. The troll is probably jealous of how beautiful and eloquent your write and found an opportunity to put you down to make themself feel better. Very sad.
August 10th, 2008 at 9:24 am
My MIL always says:
“There’s always someone thinner and richer.”
I know this to be true because I live in LA, where it seems everyone is thinner and richer.
So, here’s the deal. I am a thin woman (when I am not pregnant). Part of this is surely careful diet and exercise, but I won’t lie to you. It is much easier for me than most.
And I hate my hair. And still break out halfway through my 30s. And my knees are weak.
We are trained to find something to hate in our bodies. Lucky us.
I think that it is important that you are exercising and giving your body healthy food. Beyond that, I hope that you understand that most women I know have some sort of animosity towards their bodies.
August 10th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Beat that dead horse, flutter, and by doing so I hope you’ll feel better–sometimes you have to write about the things that threaten to explode.
I’ll add my voice to the others–you’re beautiful, inside and out. I know this.
August 10th, 2008 at 10:42 am
I love you Flutter and I’m sending you love from the bottom of my heart*
August 10th, 2008 at 11:30 am
WTF, WTF, WTF? (shaking head)
Although, I feel it the same every day.
You are gorgeous, people are cruel. F’em.
LM
August 10th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Sending you all of my hugs and kisses – you are strong and powerful and beautiful.
August 10th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
people are so, so cruel
August 10th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
You know, I really like believing that human beings are good at the core. But sometimes they make that faith so damn hard to hold onto.
I’m sorry they have hurt you so much, Flutter, I really, really am.
August 10th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Dearest Flutter….it is hard to understand why people can be so very cruel. Size is just one very small part of who a person is. There is so much more to you….your beautiful writing, the way you seem to genuinely care about people…I could go on and on, but I will just send a BIG HUG your way!
August 11th, 2008 at 6:39 am
The thing is, for victims of sexual abuse, weight is something to hold onto, a form of protection against sexual interest, which can be confusing and threatening. As you work through your sexual abuse issues, it will get easier. And then harder. And then easier again. We all have our baggage to work through (I totally get and believe and have experienced this). Working on the emotional shit helps with working on the physical shit. In fact, working on the physical shit is SOOO MUCH easier than working on the emotional shit.
I applaud your bravery. Sometimes you are a hero just for getting up every day and not quitting. I hope you see that.
August 11th, 2008 at 7:26 am
There are so many things I want to say right now, but none of them will come out as sufficient, to my mind. All I can say is – having suffered abuse, and having suffered weight issues (of a different kind) – I can tell you that a person can come out the other side. It took me until just THIS year – and the remnants, of course, will still always be there – but I’ve come out the other side. The other side is there and it will wait for you. The middle part sucks to shit – and may seem like it IS the rest of your life, it’s not. It’s got its hooks in you, but it won’t always. You’re a courageous person to face it head on. Always know there are people out here who GET this kind of struggle.
August 11th, 2008 at 8:17 am
The other commenters have said it all. Just wanted to “ditto” their thoughts.
August 11th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Oh, hon – you are so damned beautiful.
And mean people suck.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Fuck ‘em. Chickenshit lameass mother fuckers don’t have the balls to actually write nasty messages and put their name on for all to see. Their mothers would be ashamed.
August 11th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
People can be real JERKS. ESPECIALLY about weight. I used to be stick skinny and I got bitched at by people and now I’m heavier and I get bitched at by people – because no one can mind their own damn business about other people’s weights.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I know exactly what you mean. The burden of assuming there is some implied meaning when you are given a diet soda instead of the regular one that you ordered, or the sideways glances from people you knew in high school, like “is that really her?” Yeah. It’s me, I’m not the biggest one in the room either, but I’m a lot different than I was when I weighed 100 pounds. I’m about 80 pounds bigger.
Sometimes my esteem will be high, and the other times, it’s lower than low. I wish I could figure it out for good. Be happy about myself for good. Make the decision to be healthy inside and out (and in my mind) and just let it be . . .
August 12th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
I just came back from an anniversary weekend with my husband. And after several alcoholic beverages we were bantering back and forth and I blurted out “You just want me to loose this damn weight.” And he said back to me seriously. “Lose it, or love it, I don’t care which. I just want you to feel as beautiful as I already think you are.”
Sigh. And that’s the struggle isn’t it. Learning to love ourselves, whatever skin we’re in.
And I agree. Mean people suck.
August 12th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Dear Flutter,
I read you blog only from time to time, but I’ve seen your picture. Your beauty is unquestionable. Carry on …
August 13th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I hate that I missed this post. That’s what going out of town to dial up hell will get me.
Im surprised that people are surprised that this sort of thing happens. It happens a lot, and it makes me feel impotent with rage.
You are beautiful inside and out, but I know, cruelty cuts so deep it’s impossible not to take it’s lies as truth. But that’s exactly what they are, ugly lies that are no where near close to touching who you are.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
I”m with MamaTulip. You’ve typed up much of my own experience–and that of my sister…yet so many people are stunned by the realities of what it is like to not be thinnish.
At the moment of penetration, as I lost my virginity, the man above me said, “Keep losing weight. Then you’ll be more attractive.” I mean it: right in the moment.
I’m so with you.
August 14th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
but…. dude… I think you’re pretty. I don’t think you are the fat girl. and I’m a bitch.
Just sayin’
August 15th, 2008 at 4:22 am
Weight is a struggle for me too. Using a prescription, I took off 122 pounds last year. I had a lot of health problems this spring, had to have my gallbladder out, got pregnant, had a miscarriage. Gained 40 of it back.
Right now I feel horrible about how I look, although I know that I am ten times healthier than when I was much heavier. I feel bad because I haven’t maintained and I know that if I keep up eating like I am, it’ll be 50, 60, 80 lbs that comes back.
I am going to be hating food my whole life because I am some sort of addict to it. It sucks, but that’s it in a nutshell. Weight tortures me daily.
August 15th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
When asked this week what I want out of therapy, this was the very conversation that I began. It’s so not about food. It’s so so so not about food. I wish I could give you a hug.
August 17th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I know it is hard to believe when people say it, but you ARE beautiful. You really are. Seeing you in person at BlogHer, you ARE beautiful.
I have similar struggles. I know weight won’t change what is inside, but it just feels like it changes so much. I have a lot more thoughts on this, but you have said so well many of the things I think.
August 17th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
I think I’d like to take those people who dissed you for your weight and kick their collective butt all over the yard. The business with the heart-shaped candy box, what was up with that? Those things aren’t cheap. That bitch paid all kinds of money just to diss you? What kind of human bacteria was she?
FWIW, I once loved a woman who weighed 220 pounds. I could have cared less about her weight. She was smart, affectionate and heck of a gardener.