When I was little
I had dark and thick curls what would spring and bounce and shine in the California sun. I had a little notebook with blue butterflies on it, where I would write words. In my crooked little girl script, in a purple pen. Sometimes pink, always a little bigger than the lines I was writing on. It would lean leftwards, then right and if I wrote slowly, it was beautiful. If my hand kept up with the magical creatures in my mind, it was a mess. Little hearts and arrows and viney flowers twirled up the page. Through my words and sneaked their way to the front cover.
I envisioned I would write books. I envisioned I would write things of consequence and beauty. I envisioned I would have a quiet place to let myself roll out in reams of paper (there weren’t really computers back then) and watch as my hands made sense of the mess. Made something real.
Somewhere along the line, I began to doubt my words, and my intention. I began to settle into the idea that college was not for me. When I sat in classes and watched the concepts float by me, and over me. My confidence in my intelligence wavered, it wavers still. Tests placed before me throw me into fits of anxiety. I sit, pen in hand, watching as answers move deceptively in front of me, ever dancing from my grasp. Watching myself fail. Again.
When I was little, I never thought I would be in this place. This place without water. This place with arid winds and giant skies. I never thought I would be here, at 33 without work. This is more than just a bout of unemployment, in truth. It is my failure to conquer that anxiety. As I grow older I can see the wasted time stretching out behind me. No books written, only massage school under my belt. No college degrees, no children. I see years of wasted time and opportunity. I see what I could have been.
What I want to be.
When I was little, I was unafraid. I only saw the expanse of possibility and not the dark things that hid in the periphery. When I was little, my dreams fell big and sparkling from my head onto paper. No filter keeping out the unbelievable bits. I don’t know when I lost that confidence in myself.
I don’t know when I became unskilled. Undirected. Unfocused. Now I am here, with shaking hands and no paycheck. Now I am here, watching fall apart the small nest I helped to build. I want to bring more to the table. I want to live up to all of those things I envisioned, when I was little.
Right now, I fall flat. I fall flat and it is not ok.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Trust your path. Perhaps that is what you are missing? I don’t know your personal belief system enough to really say anything meaningful – but hopefully you will begin to trust your path again.
~*
August 19th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Oh, my Flutter. You know, none of us out here doubt you, doubt your abilities and gifts. We can see what is in you and you’ll see it, too. We never see ourselves clearly.
I know things aren’t easy right now, that this job thing was ill-timed with the personal gains you’ve been making, but it doesn’t negate any of that progress. You are still making progress, you are still wowing us all.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I could write reams to you in reply. Instead, I wish I could take you out for coffee or tea and just talk as you have put so much out there in this post. How to wrap it up in a couple sentences?
At roughly the same age you are now I hit a similar point. Though on the surface it seemed as if I had ‘accomplished’ all the things which you list as being missed in your life, it didn’t matter. I felt cellularly alone and disconnected from the universe. In retrospect I’ve watched several of my friends go through this around the same age as well. I don’t know what that means in the grand scheme of things except that it seems to be something many of us go through in our 30s. Something outside our control (such as your job loss) knocked us off course and suddenly the entire way we viewed ourselves was shattered and layers of who knows what fell away and we had to re-build ourselves one step at a time. All of us emerged so much more whole than before. So hang on. Keep working at it. It’s rough, but it is worth the struggle.
And be gentle with yourself. Hugs.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
You are neither unfocused or unskilled. You are resistant to your own heart and where it tells you to go.
If a job is your only lament, go get job at Target or a coffee shop.
The uneasiness is not about money, but your inability to CONTROL your feelings and what you think my be his feelings about you. And I know the universe is saying here’s your opportunity…grab it! And you are not. Girl you bring a lot to the table…don’t start with that bullshit. You’re no HOOKER for heaven’s sake…he ain’t sweatin you for money right? This is your mind and your fears. The more power you give to that mindset…the more of that you will get. CHANGE YOU MIND and look at this time differently!
Be still and be quiet and listen. I know something about this. Your worth is more than what you do for pay. What you do for pay cannot define you. If it does you will always have a broken heart.
In the words of that great prophet Jame Brown… “Get up off that thang and dance till you feel better”
I am with you.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I love you.
(But you knew that.)
August 19th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
You know, it’s not like any of us can get a jab in edgewise (if we were so inclined)! Give that damn girl a break!
It’s going to come to you in time (that evil villain), but you know how creative blocks are – damned annoying!
But you know what? Lying flat on your back, you can see all the shapes in the clouds.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
I go through this everyday. What is it all for anyway? Listen with your heart, you will understand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piBBn1xsGSc
August 19th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
The thing is, you still have time. That’s the one thing we have to remember, if we’re breathing, there’s still time. I understand the weight of regret and the collar of being afraid, but I don’t believe for a moment that your fate is to fall completely under their control.
Give yourself a break, maybe even forgive yourself a little, and remember we love you.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Unskilled? Hardly. It’s just a tough market, for everyone.
Please take heart. You’re going to see this through.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Oh honey, I feel you. I have all those same regrets (except the children). But it’s never too late. Never.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever do the things I want to do…need to do. But sometimes, it the journey and not the destination that defines us.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Everything’s going to be okay. Really.
Deep breaths.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I honestly believe that you are exactly where you should be right now. Use this time to focus on taking care of yourself and quieting the inner storm. All storms pass and this one will too. You are a very talented writer and this may be the universe’s way of getting and keeping you into the writing mode. It does not feel good, but know you are safe, have many hands supporting you, believing in you and sending their love.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Focus. Breathe. Live the dreams. You are not failing, even now, the struggles are apart of achieving the dreams. Detours on the path of life are all apart of enjoying the successes.
Sending (virtual) hugs, love and lots of calming thoughts your way.
xoxoxo
August 19th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
It is NEVER too late. Each step we take, each mistake we make, each turn along our path is molding us into who we are. And who we are today is different from who we were yesterday, and who we will be tomorrow. Each day is unique, each days bring a new experience and will pave the way for the next day.
crap, I don’t want to be sappy, but I can’t seem to help myself. Just the fact that you are blogging so beautifully is a GREAT accomplishment. AND, it is paving your way. Only YOU can decide what that way will be. Don’t rush it. And don’t take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
You are NOT, in ANY WAY unskilled.
At all.
August 19th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
You are too hard on yourself by far. Unemployment (at least the involuntary kind) is not fun, and it drains the energy right out of you. I’ve been there.
But you do have so much to offer. To your home, to your relationship, to the world.
Can you afford some time to reflect on what it is that you want to be doing? Pouring all your energy into job-hunting may just land you in a job you don’t really want in the long run.
August 19th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
That little girl still lives, you just haven’t listened to her in a long time. Sit down, listen to her. You’ll be surprised. And your past has not been a waste of time, it has been a time of learning.
August 19th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Look at all this LOVE! All whispering…You are special.
BELIEVE!
August 19th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
The whole wide world is open for you. You are not old or unskilled. You were just waiting for this opportunity to be what you’ve always wanted to open itself up to you. All you need to do is knock and the door will open, but which door will it be? Good luck clearing your mind enough to choose the direction…
August 19th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
If you can’t be an author, ain’t NOBODY can be an author. I know I have doubted my path many times over. In the end, take a leap, it’ll happen.
Your talent overfloweth.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
You will get up and you will move forward and get to all the places you want to go.
The road behind is not wasted because it is what got you where you are.
I don’t believe in much, but I do believe that everything that has ever happened to me has brought me to where I am. The universe has a funny way.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
I love this blog. It is as if you are writing about me and my life, only in a much better way. I am in much the same position as you, and I am trying hard to see why I am in this place, and more importantly, how to move forward. I am inspired by your writing about life and it’s struggles.
I wish you good things, and hope.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Are you talkin’ ta me?
It amazes me how life has gone by and I have never done the things I thought I would do. I am happy in my life and not sorry for the way it’s gone but now there is a little time for me to ask what I want and it is hard to figure out. What to do, what to do, not only an every day question but a whole life question. I keep thinking it will come to me but it doesn’t. I have no ambition, no idea, no real way to make anything real. I am lazy, I am happy, I am a lot of things, but the one thing that I am is completely unfulfilling my potential. I coulda read my 7th grade report card to know that.
August 19th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Hi, Flutter,
It’s my first time here. Eileen sent me. She told me what an awesome writer you are and that she’s always moved by what you write. That was days ago, and I just got to your site today. You are a great writer. You capture these emotions, this feeling of being lost so well. I have to say that your story touches me deeply. I am nearly 43, and when I was a kid, I carried a notebook and wrote down words and favorite phrases and created stories too. I thought I’d write many books, and maybe I will one day. But I just got out of the tub where I sat feeling sorry for my pitiful, husband-less, childless, book-less life. But you know what, everything up to now has prepared you and me for where we are right now, and this is NOT the end of your story or mine.
I have hope for you. I have hope for me. Keep your chin up, dear one! I’ll be back to check in on you.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Oh dear one, what to say. I can not offer you certain paths or tell you that there is time, not because it isn’t true, but because I don’t know of those things, they are not in my world. In a very backwards kind of way I can tell you that it takes 4.3 years for the nearest star’s light to reach the earth (http://imagine.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/ask_astro/answers/970710c.html) and many thousands or millions of years more for the others. You have so much time and space before your eyes anything is possible.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
all is not lost. From where i sit, you are young, and you have accomplished much.
August 19th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Be a little easier on Flutter, please. She deserves some kindness.
August 19th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
so few people live up to their childhood dreams – I was going to be an astronaut – Damn that Nixon for canceling the Apollo program! I personally think that you are a gifted writer and that it’s just a matter of time before you are published.
Don’t punish yourself for being jobless, in this economy it isn’t at all unusual – I live in a town that has closed 8 mills in the last 3 years.
don’t let yourself get dragged down by the ennui and lack of immediate job success – it’s only been, what, 1 – 2 weeks tops? it is WAY too soon to think yourself a failure.
BUCK UP! You are a fantastic person, don’t give in to the screaming blue meanies.
August 19th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
use the time to write more of your wonderful stuff! and make things, and cook, and all the other brilliant things you do
August 20th, 2008 at 4:11 am
Oh Flutter. I wonder if there are people who don’t feel like their bright and shiny childhood dreams fell by the wayside. We all have these moments of doubting the choices we’ve made. All of us. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
August 20th, 2008 at 4:26 am
I feel you here, deep in my gut. I know these feelings – intimatly.
August 20th, 2008 at 5:50 am
“Lying flat on your back, you can see all the shapes in the clouds.”
WeBeToys nails it . . . every time.
Childhood dreams. How many of us truly live up to our childhood dreams. At that age, the world is free and for the taking. Then it gets lost.
Ever see the movie Rudy? The part where his teacher tells him he’s a dreamer, “and dreamers are not doers.” I’ve let that haunt me. Said it so much that I’ve made it true of myself.
How to get beyond that? I’m walking with ya, kiddo . . .
August 20th, 2008 at 6:36 am
Yeah, uh, I was going to be a brain surgeon. Me, the laziest, most procrastinating person on earth, a brain surgeon. How many people’s lives have gone the exact way they planned? And how many of those people are really and truly happy?
It’s so hard to shut out all the voices that tell you what “success” is. I’m trying to learn that success is simply this: loving people well and finding contentment where you are. And I *think* that might actually be slightly harder than brain surgery. (Or so I tell myself–please don’t disabuse me of my fallacies, k?)
Also? I have heard you give the most awesome massages, so back off the unskilled bit, because a good massage can change a person’s whole day. And that’s not nothing.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Remember that Dr. Seuss book “Oh the Places You’ll go”? Sometimes we all flounder in one of those dark uncertain spots, or we spend our time waiting for things to happen. I’m not sure this is a bad thing–maybe we all go through these spots so we can step back and take stock–gather ourselves before we really leap into what we want and need.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:57 am
i get there too amiga. besides masturbation, i find the only thing that helps is to get small and cut down on the outside noise and masturbate.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:02 am
I have to keep believing there’s a plan for all of us – for me, for you, for all the little girls who had big dreams and grew up to find they didn’t happen the way we thought they would AT ALL.
Corny as it is, I have a poster of the Desiderata hanging here on the wall in my closet. To remind myself (and now you) of the line most important to me: “And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”
*As it should*, girl. Hang in.
August 20th, 2008 at 10:24 am
i know this time totally SUCKS and i wish i could change that for you. or at least come by your house with coffee and art supplies and we’d sit down and create something that had meaning for both of us. i love you, friend. xo
August 20th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Someone said they wanted to take you out for tea. I do too! Actually, I kind of want to adopt you as my sister and have you live next door.
You are so very talented. And you mentioned being 33? I remember 33, thinking that I was a grown up yet I wasn’t anywhere I thought I’d be as a grown up. Eight years later I realize how young 33 is and how much can and will happen yet.
And I know it will happen for you.
August 20th, 2008 at 11:35 am
I agree with MamaGeek. Write, and write some more.
August 20th, 2008 at 11:36 am
I went through a period right at the end of ’01/beginning of ’02 that I thought FOR SURE was The Worst Time In My Life. The things that happened to me, one right after the other, were The Worst Things That Could Ever Happen To Me.
And at the time, they were. I put them on and displayed them to the world, those Terrible Things. Showed them off.
And then…I shed them, and in doing so I realized that they weren’t the worst things that could have happened. They were bad, yes, but…they paved the way for things that were better. Brighter. Happier.
I am inclined to think that the same will happen for you.
August 20th, 2008 at 11:52 am
So many others have said it – things are happening behind the scenes, you may not understand it all right now, but a year from now you will look back on this and think…hmm, so THAT’s what that was all about.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I will not repeat what has already been said.
I will only tell you to write.
August 20th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Oh no…I am going to have to agree with those above me (in the comment section here….) that perhaps you are on the perfect path, even if you can’t “see” it right now. And honey…intelligence doesn’t have anything to do with being able to prevent life from happening…You ARE intelligent…and still, you will walk your path, no matter what comes…just like we all do…but do a big reach out, because most of us are with you…
August 20th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
i am so sorry you are in this place. i have to keep spinning or i see how unfocused i have been and that i am in a place i never aimed for. it’s not a bad place, but i don’t like that i didn’t intentionally get here…….
August 20th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I want to punch myself in the face for what I’m about to say: but I think, for whatever suck-ass reason, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. I know! Go ahead and punch me now. Only you will know why you’re here, later. I know! Punch me again!
This was an interesting post for me to read, because I don’t really recall ever feeling safe as a kid; I only just, I think in the last few years, learned about actually “feeling” safe.
August 20th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
You know I’m taking you to lunch as soon as you pick a day, right? Then I’ll make sure you know, in some more eloquent way than this that you’re more, much more, than you’ve said here.
August 20th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I really should stop reading furiousball’s comments, they completely throw me into a tailspin each and every time. I can remember when I was out of a job awhile back and it made me feel exactly how you seem to be feeling. I don’t understand why our culture is so intent on connecting self-worth with employment, but it’s deeply engrained in us all and it totally sucks balls. You have so many wise comments on here…I hope you’re feeling the love sweet one.
August 20th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Once again I read this thinking you’ve ripped a page out of my own personal diary.
August 20th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I hate that they let you go – and that you haven’t found a replacement. But mostly I hate that you judge your worth by your jobs. I hate it because I’ve done it, too. But now I judge myself by what I used to do because I am a SAHM.
I think there are a lot of us that can take lemonade and make lemons. You’re better than this.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Oh, Flutter.
Your dreams still fall from your head. I see them sparkling, in the form of words, each time I open one of your posts. Many times, I’m filled with admiration and envy — time and again, I marvel at your ability to find not only the perfect words, but the perfect placement for them.
I have faith you will find your way.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Thinking about you ~ hang in there, kiddo.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
you need a new notebook, perhaps blue with butterflies and a purple pen. perhaps something else. but regardless you need to dream again. because 33… well, it’s a good time to start over. you have so much life left yet to unfurl before you. it is a thing of beauty. Dream what it can be.
Now, begin.
August 20th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
it is, sweetheart. is IS okay to fall flat sometimes. it’s just not okay to be complacent and stay there on the floor. you get up and you fight. you move forward. you make a change. and you walk tall.
you will. i know you will.
August 20th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Baby, you got skills up the wazoo. we all fall flat sometimes. there is no shame in the falling, as long as you’re willing to get back up again.
August 20th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Don’t fret that at 33 you don’t have it all figured out. Instead be glad you are doing the work now instead of at 50 or 60. Think of how many regrets you’d have then.
I’m spending a fair amount of time mourning lost opportunities myself. I wish I knew a way to get over it.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
The things you note didn’t happen, haven’t happened, well…
they still could.
You could take one class. Right now. Online.
Better yet? Take it from me, from my college (we’re pretty cheap). You never HAVE to leave home, but you can learn a ton. And then you take another, and pretty soon you have an A.A., and you’re looking to transfer to a 4-year institution.
It’s not over for you, you know. And don’t try to build your confidence for any of these things all at once, in a dramatic moment. Chip away. Then you look back in a few years and marvel at yourself.
Marveling at yourself? That possibility is not dead and gone in your life.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:18 am
I always ache for the little ones, wondering what charge life will have for them.
This is a down time. This is a hard time. This moment is not all of who you are, all of your value or all of your life. This moment didn’t arrive because of something you failed to do. I know how it feels, and why it feels that way.
I have had moment when I wake up and the realization of all I have failed slams be backwards, prone again. Getting up and doing each day takes courage, more so for some than others, but nonetheless…
You are more than what you think of yourself right now. You have been more and will be more. Right now just seems to matter more because it feeds into what you fear is the truth of you.
Each of the choices you’ve made created someone beautiful. I see her. Others see her. I hope soon, again, you do too.
And such good advice and caring you’ve gotten in other comments. Good, practical things, too.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:57 am
“Without darkness
Nothing comes to birth,
As without light
Nothing flowers.”
It’s been my darkest times that I found clarity about myself and what I want from life. I can see that now but not so much during those bleak, down and out times.
With every dark time in our lives there is a grace that follows but unfortunately we don’t usually realize this until we are in a state of grace.
You will figure it out. You are an amazing person and a beautiful writer. There is a book in you just waiting to come out.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:41 am
“Always a little bigger than the lines I was writing on” I love that. That one line, right there, describes your blog perfectly.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:05 am
Your are writing things of consequence here in this very space. Success or financial gain for your effort is a different issue.
August 23rd, 2008 at 8:28 pm
I’m so sorry, my friend…I know much of what you’re talking about…
I know the stress of being unemployed. And I want to WHISK you off your feet to financial freedom.
However…we all measure success in different ways. MOST are extremely superficial.
You, Christine, will never know the ripple effect of what you’ve had upon the world. Most artists never knew. The beauty, whether it be in words or paint, or marble, these artists through time have made the unbearable, bearable. And you are no different.
There is nothing more beautiful than potential. And I’ll be sitting like a proud friend watching you continue as a writer, watching the glorious effect you have upon me and the world. You know what? Fuck that “sitting” crap, I’ll be STANDING over here, applauding my ass off for my badass friend Christine.
But you know what else? I’ll never feel as though I can cheer loud enough for the person I know you are.
So, whether you continue as you are, or whether you get published and sell millions of books, the effect will still be the same; beautiful. And the world will be better either way.
August 24th, 2008 at 11:00 am
I have been where you are. Your story could be my story. It is sad and scary to look back on your life and see wasted potential and lost opportunities. But, I truly believe that we can change our own destinies. Put the past back in the past and reinvent ourselves. From what I have read here so far, I see an extremely talented and insightful writer and a caring, lovely woman. Run with it! You can make things happen for yourself!
August 24th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
I love the image of that little girl. Sometimes it helps to get a picture out of that little girl, put it in a nice frame and place it – perhaps near where you write to keep her present.
She is still in there. Within the adult you.
Your writing talent is huge. If you keep writing, it will all come. It will.
I was a massage therapist for a while, too. Maybe I told you?
August 28th, 2008 at 10:11 am
It is okay.
Life is peaks and valleys. You have a talent for writing that is incredibly rare and special.
It is MORE than okay.