Life is good, even when it’s crap.
I think of her, often.
How she looked up at me from the curb in front of the grocery store. 4 kids scattered around her, varying ages and states of cleanliness. How the oldest of her children would look no one in the eye. How her fingernails were glittery, pink and chipped.
How it was so vastly different than the way she looked when I knew her. When I knew her, her hair was long and red. She had perfectly painted bow-shaped lips and a blush to her cheeks. She walked gracefully and never had to carry her own books. When I knew her, she was healthy. When I knew her, she was one of the people I wished I could be. Unaffected, elegant, beautiful.
Looking up at me, tears streaking down a very dirty face, she looked nothing like those times. Her hair was cut to her ears, and sat grimy against the sides of her head. Her hand was wrapped in a dirty rag, stained brown and green and stiff from blood. Her children all played as children do, a little boy whining quietly at his hunger.
“CanyoupleasehelpmeIwanttotakethechildrentoburgerkingandIhavenomoney..” her eyes darted from mine, to the ground, to the young son she patted absently. Her words ran together, as if she had said them a million times, to a million people. Like she had to say them fast before people stopped listening.
I felt sick.
I was only 22 and just starting out on my own, my money was tight, and structured and budgeted. I heard a sniffle by my ankle, teary blue eyes of that whimpering boy looked up at me. He was hungry. All that I didn’t have to give, equaled so much more than he had. He had nothing. She had nothing.
I had more than that.
The divide between us closed in that moment, in that moment where I bought them groceries. The divide between us closed, between the royalty of high school halls and the girl who sang in the choir. In that moment, I saw while I didn’t have much…she had less. My heart broke in places unknown to me. I didn’t know what else to do.
In these times, my fear comes less from fear of my abilities, and more from my fear of watching bills go unpaid. But I am not without a home. I am not without food, I am not without medicine to treat my illness.
I am not without hope. This has taught me, that while fear of the uncertain is a powerful and shitty mistress, I am capable of slaying that fear. I am capable of helping people who have less than I do.
I am capable of being the change I wish to see. How I will choose to do this, remains to be seen, but I am not a victim of fate. I am on a path guided by my own choices and my own intuition. What a beautiful luxury it is to have the time and the safety to fully steep in that reality. What a beautiful life I have, even right this moment. How I now get to choose to flourish instead of survive.
I hope she has found her way.
August 21st, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Me too! Nothing is worse than feeling lost!
I am glad you posted about this. I have been thinking about it a lot. My preacher did a sermon about grace. He said that it is not for us to concern ourselves with what the people begging for the money will do with it….but to let our children see our generosity and empathy for others. I am hoping to be that person. Not the one who wonders if they are really poor or just working the system. Who am I to judge?!
August 21st, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I think this may just be my favorite post of yours yet. And yes, you are, you will.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:31 pm
beautiful. i’m glad that you are seeing the beauty and the hope
August 21st, 2008 at 4:34 pm
This is a very beautiful post.
August 21st, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I think this is utterly profound. Just beautiful, and exactly what I needed to read at exactly the right time.
My God, this is fantastic.
August 21st, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Thanks for this, I needed it tonight more than ever.
August 21st, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Damn. You made me cry.
August 21st, 2008 at 5:20 pm
I am relieved to see the optimism in this post!
August 21st, 2008 at 5:25 pm
It’s true: no matter what we don’t have, or think we need to have, there is always someone who has it far worse than we can imagine.
It’s a surreal thing sometimes, to see where those “beautiful people” end up.
I’m glad you bought them groceries – far better than Burger King.
Reminds me of the little girl who lived behind us in the ‘hood, who would come over to beg for food. It took everything in me NOT to bathe her. I was her Santa that year, before her creepy, alcoholic parents moved them out into the sticks, so the social worker couldn’t track them anymore.
August 21st, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Oh, heavens! How interesting that you saw that woman, one you knew. But you’re right. As long as you are housed and fed, life is good.
~*
August 21st, 2008 at 6:01 pm
OH, Flutter. The most beautiful, on so many levels.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:08 pm
You know, whether or not you believe it, you are such a truly beautiful person, and I do not say that lightly.
(Also: “…fear of the uncertain is a powerful and shitty mistress…” Incredibly well put, my friend.)
August 21st, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I felt a need to comment, but I can’t come up with good words. I think you already wrote them. This post is making me think.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:56 pm
that was very lovely. Wait, let me get my glass. Okay, a toast to you, flutter, who very effortlessly guides us through your lovely mind. thank you.
August 21st, 2008 at 7:01 pm
My grandfather used to say, ” I used to complain because I had no shoes, then I met a man who had no legs”. You are absolutely spot on, there are always people who have it so much worse, and the fact that you are housed and fed and loved are incredible gifts.
Beautiful post, beautiful flutter, as always.
August 21st, 2008 at 7:47 pm
You have a beautiful spirit.
August 21st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
The title of this one: words to live by, friend.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:30 pm
what a lovely thing to do for someone, and what a life lesson it is for you (and for us all). That you recognize it as such shows that you have the tools to overcome. This is one of the things to put on your list on the fridge to read when you’re feeling down.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:59 pm
I need this too, thank you. This must have been so surreal and strange to meet up with the highschool girl like this.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:02 pm
this, i needed to read.
every day that i get to know you, i’m blessed. you make me think, you make me smile and most of all, you make me proud that i get to call you my friend. love. xo
August 21st, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I read you often, but rarely comment. All I have to say is wow. This was powerful.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:13 pm
What a beautiful, insightful post.
(I hope she has too.)
August 21st, 2008 at 11:58 pm
I know you’re finding yours.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:13 am
Thank you again for this beautiful post.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:08 am
With your gift of compassion, she has made more progress on her journey.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:21 am
Life is good, even when it’s crap. Words to live by.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:13 am
“I am capable of being the change I wish to see.”
There is no influence like an example, my dear friend. And I feel warm and inspired knowing that you’re a stunning one.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:14 am
And please forgive me for being away so long. My schedule has just been stupid and I’m trying, trying to change all of that…
But funny enough, I have thought of you no less.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:09 am
Your gratitude is beautiful.
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:33 am
Life does fling us some unexpected curves. I’m happy to hear that you’re finding a way to find beauty in yours.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:29 am
I beg to differ. I think YOU are the sweetest.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:49 am
That poor girl… What a beautifully written post. I’m glad you’re able to see the silver lining ~ even when it sucks.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:10 am
Oh, I hope she’s found her way as well. Thank you for sharing that post, I sometimes need to be reminded that no matter what, I can still help those around me…
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:27 am
Oh Lrd, I hope she and the kids are ok. Did she tell you what her journey had involved?
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
You have such a gorgeous heart.
I hope she and her kids are OK.
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:07 pm
You said that you were on a path of your own choosing and being guided by your intuition. For the life of me I will never understand why some people pay attention to that choice and others, for whatever reason, do not clearly see that they, too, have choices.
You’re writing is aching to me. It comes from so deep that I almost cannot speak when I read it. Thankfully, I just had to “write” this but now I will quiet my heart and stir my soul to a place of thankfulness and good fortune. Or whatever it is that put me on the path I’m guiding.
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:08 pm
It’s always in this, feeling compassion for others, even those who may have caused pain that makes me feel more compassonate toward myself. You too.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I wish I could always remember that lesson. Unfortunately it’s so easy to slip into anxiety and depression. Thanks for the reminder of how good most of us have it, even when we feel like crap.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
wow flutter four kids. wow. how sad but how wonderful you were there for her and she for you to remind you of what you have.
did you ever hear from her again?
I have had a pretty shit run of the last little while but what kept me afloat was knowing how many are so much worse off than we are.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:44 pm
its something that should be written in large letters on my forehead so when i feel sorry for myself i remember how much i have. thank you for writing this.
August 23rd, 2008 at 7:34 am
Hopelessness is where it all ends. When hope is gone, all you want to do is to curl up and die. As I have hit the magical 50 years of age, I pummel my kids with making sure of their choices before they make them. That their choices, and the results of said choices make all the difference in their lives.
I am sounding soooo much like my parents.
Namaste.
August 23rd, 2008 at 7:42 am
This brought me out of lurkerdom. I’ve had this happen – this exact thing down to the number of children the other woman had and where she wanted to take them to eat.
I think of it often when I’m despairing or placing too much weight on what I’m going through. It helps me keep things in perspective, which I’m grateful for.
I love the optimism you show in this post.
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:51 am
Nothing more to say. You are so on it, C. Use it. Guess that was more, and while I am not it, I adore you!
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:11 am
this is so beautiful, C.
August 23rd, 2008 at 11:50 am
Loverly, my friend – very well written. And seeing those who are truly unfortunate has a way of putting many things in perspective, doesn’t it?
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:51 pm
God Flutter how do you do that? Creep into my soul and show me what I’ve been missing, how ungrateful I’ve been? And all with such beautiful words and tenderness that I am nothing but motivated to make it better.
In my snits and little tantrums about life now, I forget that I am no longer surviving, I’m living. And that as you said, is a great luxury. Thank you.
August 23rd, 2008 at 5:33 pm
A beautiful post, a beautiful act of helping someone in need and bravo to you for seeing the big picture in all of this.
August 23rd, 2008 at 6:26 pm
I hope she finds her way, too. I really really and truly do.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Remember that there is dignity in doing what has to be done. Never be ashamed of that.
August 24th, 2008 at 10:46 am
A very profound and thought-provoking post. I have found myself in similar situations before as well. It makes me realize that no matter how bad you think things are, there are always those who have it worse. Thank you for illustrating the point so eloquently.
August 24th, 2008 at 11:39 am
You know…I have found that the way people look seems to change with our perception as well as with time. Good insight into humanity. Bravo.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:54 am
This post has taken my words away. I simply don’t know what to say.
(In a good way)
August 26th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
THis was BEAUTIFULLy written – wonderful. And yes, life can be heartbreaking and awful and horrible and yet there is still some essential beauty to it.
August 31st, 2008 at 3:31 am
Oh Flutter, your heart is beautiful. You ought to be in a profession where your kindness, love and compassion are used daily. There aren’t enough people like you in this world and there are too many people in this world who need your kind of kindness.