Excerpt
I find myself blessed with the support and love to go through writing this experience. I have found myself wishing, on so many occasions, that I knew The Boy, back then. That he could have known me before. That he could have known me when. That I could have held his hand then, leaned on him then.
I am infinitely grateful to have him now, and to openly grasp that his love is what makes me seek to be better. Makes me seek to reach for sunlight. The young man I write about in this passage was what I thought, at 17, love was. The man I share my life with now, is what I know love is. The reality of that is staggering. Below is an excerpt of the book I am writing. Thank you for indulging me.
We sat in the back of his old truck. Night lay over us like a blanket of black, pinpoints of stars suspended on invisible strings. As he spoke to me, they looked close enough to touch.
I could feel him staring at me in profile, watching me cry. I could feel his confusion as words escaped me. Words that always came so easily with him, halted and stuttered and lost themselves in gasps and a shivering that started deep in me.
He sat closer than arm’s length. Scooting closer to me as each tear spilled until I was wrapped in his brown arms. He rocked me as I wept. He ran his thick fingers through my long curls and pulled me to his chest. He let my mascara, my tears and what ran from my nose, destroy his shirt. He spoke in soft words. In cadence with the scattered pattern of my breathing he promised me.
“You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe.”
I could only shake my head.
He pulled me away from him and tried to catch my eye. I looked at the roses in the bushes around us. I looked at the drops of water bouncing from the fountain to the pond of water. I looked at those stars on strings. His eyes were too much for me. I finally let my eyelids close down and I just stopped crying.
“Christine, ” he started slowly, stroking the back of one of my hands. “Christine, please tell me. Please? You can trust me, I need to know what’s wrong.” There was a desperation in his voice, reserved only for the passion in young men. The passion of testosterone and immortality. A place where he was empowered to prevent what had already happened to me. A place where I could look directly into those pleading eyes and tell my story. Without shame.
We were not in that place.
“Something bad happened to me at school.” I whispered it, eyes closed. I pulled my hand back into my lap, away from his outstretched fingers. I yanked my knees up to my chest, curling into a tight ball. I didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want him to not know.
This was all too much for his 18 year old mind to handle. His life, already shrouded in tragedy. I could not lay this at his feet, to tell him of knives and shadows and nightmares and pregnant 17 year old girls. I could not ask him to process that what I had wanted to give to him had been taken. Taken by a man whose name I didn’t know. That I carried a foreign child, that I didn’t know what was carried in half that DNA. That pills and torrents of blood and knives had failed to take its life. Or mine. It was too much for an 18 year old boy to take. Or perhaps it was all too much for me. My closed eyes remained.
August 25th, 2008 at 3:24 am
My God girl….this will be an amazing book. Your words, as always are so so powerful. I will be one of the first in line to buy it.
August 25th, 2008 at 3:39 am
That’s going to be a blockbuster, babe. Bank on it.
August 25th, 2008 at 3:54 am
honey, your words are going to heal many others, knowing that they aren’t alone. this is what you’re supposed to be doing my friend, the writing. i feel it in my bones. xo
August 25th, 2008 at 4:20 am
It is too much, isn’t it? Too much for anyone.
August 25th, 2008 at 5:44 am
You’ve go something life changing going on there. Thank you for sharing a little piece of it with us. I, for one, am honored.
“Night lay over us like a blanket of black, pinpoints of stars suspended on invisible strings.”
I love that line.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:54 am
That is one hell of a beginning – it sucked me right in!
I’m glad you have the Boy too.
So, when are ya’ll coming? We’ll switch on the B&B sign! (October is beautiful, btw)
August 25th, 2008 at 7:07 am
I think the question the reader will have (OK, one of many) will be how you are able to keep a knife wound secret.
It is a very intense passage.
August 25th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Wow, dude. That is insanely heartwrenching. I loved “the passion of testosterone and immortality.” Awesome.
August 25th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Very, very good! Please keep going!
~*
August 25th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Wow.
Wow.
August 25th, 2008 at 10:27 am
It’s gorgeous, and you’re amazing, and I can’t wait to read the book.
xoxo
August 25th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Your words become more powerful every time you write.
August 25th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Wow. Powerful and passionate. Flutter, you better autography my copy of your book!
August 25th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Wonderful passage…I am itching to read more…
August 25th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Writing from the heart. I feel like I have just intruded upon a very personal moment.
August 25th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Wow. Beautiful.
Keep writing!
August 25th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
oof. i’m with chica. kudos!
August 25th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Beautiful! I am inspired! Truly inspired!
Keep going.
August 25th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Loved it, keep on…
August 25th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I’m so very glad you are writing this. I loved that last sentence. “My closed eyes remained.”
August 25th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
keep writing…
August 25th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Babe, as a woman, a mother, this one really hurt to read. Not that the writing isn’t fantastically addictive. It’s just that I want to gather the 17-year-old you in my arms and hold you for awhile.
August 25th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Excellent writing.
August 25th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
i am so glad you are writing all of this down.
August 25th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
this is amazing on so many levels. the writing, the soul-baring honesty, the treatment of the topic itself.
I sense a strength in you, one that if you could tap into would raise you from your emotional turmoil and make you soar. don’t give up on your book, I think it can heal you and so many others.
August 25th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
you’re doing great!! but then, i tell you that all the time, don’t I?
August 25th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
This book is going to be amazing. Thanks for sharing this part of it. Of you.
August 25th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Goddamn.
August 25th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Wow Flutter, it’s amazing. I’m not surprised in. the. least.
August 25th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Let us indulge you more. Please.
August 25th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
oh, Christine. You know, 17 year old love is different than the wonderful and mature love you have now, and I know you want to honor your boy, and you do. but it’s OK to know that what you had then, too, was love.
and the writing is wonderful, and perhaps you’ve mentioned it before, but i didn’t know that you were pregnant. and it doesn’t change the horror of it in any way, but it is new information for me, settling into this story that i know of your life
August 25th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Your words come deep from your soul, and reach directly into ours. You are an amazing writer, with a great deal of courage. This book will be so healing on so many levels, to you and so many other people. I admire your strength and honesty.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
I don’t know what to say so I will just agree with crazymumma; please indulge us some more.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
so glad you are writing. and so very very glad you have that boy.
August 25th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
you already know what I think, girlie. this is wonderful, even in its pain.
August 25th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
You write about a heartbreaking experience in such a breathtaking way. This book will be amazing. YOU. ARE. AMAZING.
August 25th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Spine. Shivers.
And you wonder what you should be doing? Where you’re going? You’re DOING IT. And it is INCREDIBLE, lady.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:13 am
Way to go, Christine; this is some fine memoir. I can’t imagine how grueling it must be to write about these things. Take plenty of breaks, my friend . . .
August 26th, 2008 at 4:53 am
“A place where he was empowered to prevent what had already happened to me.”
you captured the essence of a man in that line, indeed.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:40 am
I have finally come by for a visit and I’m disappointed with myself for not doing it sooner. You are an amazing talent, my dear. Every one of your posts have just sucked me right in. So more props for you to keep writing. I’ll be back…often.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Wow.
Fantastic writing… I hate to say that something that has to be so painful to re~live is fantastic but you are so talented …
August 26th, 2008 at 10:38 am
My 17 year old and yours should have been friends. Perhaps we could have shouldered one another through some of this. As always, your words touch me and I’m grateful to read them. Count me as another who will be among the first to read.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:41 am
You astound me each and every day.
One chapter at a time, writing is a process and I think this will help you heal even more.
xoxo
August 26th, 2008 at 11:12 am
My heart leaps when it hears: Book I am writing!!
I am so impressed. Hooray for you. ox
(This is no shitty first draft. Just saying.)
August 26th, 2008 at 11:33 am
You are such a beautiful writer. Wow.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I will be elbowing my place in line with all the other commentators; to be first.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
This is amazing writing, honey. Go.
August 26th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Wow. Just…..wow.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
I’m so glad you’re doing this–writing the book and sharing it here. This is amazing.
August 26th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
oh my. That was damn good. (and I am a reading whore – so I should know.)
August 27th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
You stop my heart.
I rarely buy books. I would buy yours.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I’ve kept this in my reader to save to read when I could give it my full attention. You’re amazing. And an amazing writer. And when your book is published, I will buy copies for myself and all my friends.
August 31st, 2008 at 3:32 am
Your writing is incredible and takes my breath away. You are good at this dear girl, so good.