Therapy notes: Why are you concentrating on that?
I’m a little warm, how are you?
The A/C in his office is a running joke. He says he is comfortable enough with me now, to get up in the middle of a session and exclaim ‘it’s fucking hot in here!’. Most of his other people render him useless to adjust the A/C.
“It’s a little warm, yes.” I said, flatly and with a yawn. I had a tire blow out yesterday, didn’t get home until after 11pm. Although I slept adequately my lady in pink came to visit twice in the dead time hours.
So last time we talked, he started as he turned down the thermostat, you seemed to be coming to terms with some things. What news do you have for me?
I cleared my throat, as the A/C kicked on and a cool wave of dusty air kissed my face. “Ok, so since my sleeping has been sucking, I’ve had some time to think. As it turns out, the rape and the other things we’ve discussed effect, me. But I think that I have been focusing on the pain of those things to act as a buffer for the shit that preexists in me that I need to fix.” My sentence skipped out of me and into the new coolness of the room. My last word was punctuated by the sound of his knee cracking as he folded himself into his chair.
He smiled.
I am glad you said that. Because I have wanted to ask you why you want to focus so much on the pain and how to stop hurting, as opposed to focusing on you. But I didn’t want to sound like an asshole.
I laughed in my head, thinking that if I dared to call him an asshole, I would have an internet full of adoring women ready to tear me a new one. But I realize, this distinction is an important one. Let’s not BS. I have had my fair share of crap.
But, under all of that hurt, under all of that fragility, I am a person. This pain, what I have done with it were simply tools I used to survive. But so much so, that I made my pain into its own entity. There is Christine, and then there is her hurt. Her hurt that she wears in pounds and lies and weirdly selfish behavior. All of those things designed to push people away. To make people climb the wall and to prove to the girl that they want to know her.
This wall I have built began well before I was raped. There are things in me that are ever present, that being attacked amplified. I cannot, will not use that as an excuse for poor behavior. As an excuse to lean on. Life goes on. Life flourishes. The petals of my potential are folded in tight, but are waiting for the permission to open.
That is me, closed, protected, small inside this large casing. I am giving myself permission to bloom.
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:58 pm
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
-Anais Nin
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
you, woman, are beautiful.
maybe that sounds trite.
but it’s true.
xo
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:28 pm
yes, as beautiful as an Anais Nin flower.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:04 pm
That spoke volumes to me. I heard some of my truths.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:24 pm
That is a very nice thing to do for yourself.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Man…Defiant Muse is all OVER IT! And with Anais Nin no less. Bloom, Christine! Bloom! And we shall see your petals as you open.
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:00 pm
We really should all be chipping in for your sessions, since we (okay, definitely I) seem to benefit from them.
This was a good one.
September 4th, 2008 at 3:06 am
how profound. i love when we reach insight into ourselves after a period when it seems like we won’t.
you’re beautiful inside and out dear girl. xo
September 4th, 2008 at 3:31 am
I think many of us can relate to what you’ve said. We all, I think, develop ways to protect ourselves that sometimes end up being more destructive than helpful. Thanks for sharing your journey with us dear flutter.
September 4th, 2008 at 3:52 am
I am the donkey, harnessed to the mill, and this post is the cool breeze that blows the flies from my eyes and ears and brings the scent of fresh hay to me for just a moment. I lift my head for just a moment, and on I plod.
What you are working on is so hard, and it hurts me that this step is sure as hell not going to make it easier, yet meeting you at this step heals me. Here we stand on level ground, two hurting humans with a ways to go.
I wish you weren’t thousands of miles away right now.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:27 am
Jennifer is right. does your therapist know he’s actually treating hundreds of women ( don’t tell him). this was wonderful. bloom girl, bloom.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:05 am
Oh, leaps and bounds, my sister. So excited for you – xo
September 4th, 2008 at 6:33 am
i’m kind of proud of myself after reading this… i knew that “internet full of adoring women” has nothing to do with porn
September 4th, 2008 at 6:58 am
This is good stuff – you’re getting down to the meat now. I hate to say not sleeping has any benefit – it makes me want to throw tantrums – but your insomnia driven reflections are deep and insightful.
I can relate too – the wall that keeps out all but the most devoted, the defensive walls of fat and denial – I’m guilty of all of them, and I know my devaluation of myself stems from a deeper, more long term devaluation of women within my family dynamic, which is why it’s hard to break. It’s been a part of me forever and to try and change that rocks the family boat.
September 4th, 2008 at 7:01 am
I swear to you that the very same Anais Nin quote came to me when I read the last paragraph. Dammit these quick people. *shakes fist*
September 4th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Spring has sprung. Hooray for you!
September 4th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Evidently insomnia and recurring dreams have their uses. This is definitely a shakabuku moment, which, according to Minnie Driver in Gross Point Blank shakabuku is a “swift spiritual kick to the head that changes your reality forever”. I think I need me one of those too!
All kidding aside, this is some pretty amazing work you’ve been doing. Im really really proud of you. I know none of it is easy, and you have become an inspiration to me. Seriously.
September 4th, 2008 at 7:26 am
I love that imagery. I actually had flowerbeds this year – I must be getting old – and I’ve been fascinated with buds, waiting to see them bloom.
Watching you bloom; all the better.
We are in your corner, water in hand.
September 4th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Wow, and I’m smiling woman.
September 4th, 2008 at 9:43 am
It’s funny how you make that realization. That not all pain came with the event, that some was just exacerbated by it.
September 4th, 2008 at 10:23 am
I’ve already seen the blooming in you, beyond the mere promise of the flower to come. This realization brings a smile to my face, for it means you see it too.
terrific!
September 4th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Strong words, sister.
September 4th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Amen.
I always want to whisper here. That’s what your words do to me.
September 4th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Christine,
I’ve not been commenting as often, lately, because, honestly, I want to honor what you write here, and sometimes it is hard for me to find the right (correct) words.
Mostly, I stop by and sit in your poetry and am inspired by your strength and truth in all of the shittiness.
Know I’m reading. And know that most days, I am breathless at your beauty.
Emily.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
“I laughed in my head, thinking that if I dared to call him an asshole, I would have an internet full of adoring women ready to tear me a new one…”
FUNNIEST. LINE. EVER.
And so very true.
Bloom away, darlin’.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
This made me smile Flutter. Blooming marvelous.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Oh yes, it reminds me of that sign people are putting in their gardens: Bloom Damn it!
September 4th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
okay, so I just sobered up. wow.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Like tying scarecrows to our exteriors, isn’t it? Warnings. Go away! Prove yourself! I know of this.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Bloom is one of my favorite words. :O)
September 4th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
You know……..crap makes a really good fertilizer. Just saying….you might could use it to your advantage!
September 4th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
YES.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Wow ~ that sounds like quite a breakthrough to me!!
I love it! Can’t wait to watch you bloom…
September 4th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
And bloom you will. (Said Yoda)
P.S. I would have just gone and called him an asshole.
P.P.S. You’re lovely.
September 4th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
That sounds like progress, babe.
September 4th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
You’re ability to know yourself so well and nail this complex layering of emotions and intentions is totally profound to me! You kick ass Flutter!
September 4th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Bloom, girl, bloom. Layers layers layers. I know those – and I’ll never quite peel away at all of them, because there came a time when I *think* I found enough of my bloom to stop pecking at the bud.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
and oh what a glorious flower you will be
September 4th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
You’re also brave. To be in therapy. To be exploring all of this. Keep on blooming!
September 5th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
oh babe. peeling away those layers one by one. this is such hard work and you are so brave.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
It’s one of those things… It only happens when YOU decide it can. Good luck, girl. I believe in you.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
“To make people climb the wall and to prove to the girl that they want to know her.”
I’m not going to read what everyone else said, because this line really struck me. Why do we want to make it so difficult for people to get near us? Let me know when you figure it out please.
September 6th, 2008 at 7:59 am
Yes, it does have the sound of progress, very definitely. {{{warm thoughts}}}
September 6th, 2008 at 9:33 am
PERMISSION to bloom… indeed.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:26 am
“The petals of my potential are folded in tight, but are waiting for the permission to open.”
For the last two days I have been staring and the unfurling springs flowers over here and thinking of this beautiful line.
Their beauty makes me think of you.
September 7th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
this post rocks!
bloom flutter!
September 8th, 2008 at 8:11 am
“That is me, closed, protected, small inside this large casing.”
This statement made me think immediately of a cocooned caterpillar… changing into a butterfly.. how ironically appropriate.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:23 am
Wow. Really, there’s no other word that comes to my mind other than that. Wow.
September 14th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
I know how you feel.
September 12th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Your blog is so informative ? Great work!!!