Rage at the Coffee Bar
At my new place of employment, there is a place to purchase coffee. Amen to that, say I because I need caffeine to deal with the public at large. In buckets, please.
Today, I was feeling migrainey and I chose very stupid footwear so I was sore from tip to toes and really fucking cranky. As I stood in line to improve my mood, I overheard a conversation happening in front of me. I really attempted not to hear it, since it was from a couple of mallrats that frequent (aka stalk) the area stores in an attempt (success!) to be annoying.
Mallrat#1: Dude, I don’t know, that chick I nailed was kind of fat. But she totally knew what she was doing, so it kind of evens out, you know?
Mallrat#2: Aggh! Fat fucks? That’s nasty. I’d rather have a skinny dead fish than a fat slut.
mr1: Dude, I mean she KNEW what she was doing, like I would do it to her again.
mr2: whatevs, then you’d have to admit to doing her in the first place. Fat chicks are so nasty. (ohai, asshole I AM STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU.)
This back and forth of intellect lasted the entire line length, caffeine could not get rid of the headache those two gave me. The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. That little shit. That no job having, mommy and daddy have to drop me off at the mall to get rid of my annoying ass for a few hours little fuck.
You. Teenager with the shit ass attitude. Yeah, you. You grunting, snorting, drooling asswipe, listen up. I hope someday some fat chick ROCKS your world by the simple fact that she ignores your worthless ass. I hope when you are old and bald and impotent that one of the fat sisteren that you are BOUND to hit on spins on her heel and leaves you in a puddle of your own foul smelling spittle, as her big ass sashays off in the other direction. Not because you are old, or bald or impotent, but because you are a monosyllabic, mouth breathing troglodyte who somehow manages to crawl out of the cave every day and come to the mall. Because the only thing you will have to talk about is how you used to do wicked skateboard tricks. Before you hit your head and the last vestiges of your sense got knocked out of your left ear. You douche. You great big vinegary douche. Please manage to go fuck yourself, could you? kthx!
September 6th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Amen!
September 6th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
…and the only person who will fuck his old self will be…him.
September 6th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Ugh. How awful.
September 6th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
I can’t even think what to say. I am absolutely horrified. Horrified. By our human race.
September 7th, 2008 at 12:08 am
Woman! I adore you! You made me crack a HUGE smile at this beautiful smackdown.
And may I add that the only frame of reference this moron has is the stack of crusty girly mags stashed under his mattress, which is the only female contact he most likely gets? Yeah.
September 7th, 2008 at 4:01 am
that would motivate my inner serial killer.
September 7th, 2008 at 4:43 am
Ugh. I am now locking my daughters in their rooms.
September 7th, 2008 at 5:11 am
I am so raising my kid not to be like that.
September 7th, 2008 at 5:18 am
Thanks for making my morning with this. What little shits.
September 7th, 2008 at 5:19 am
this is why i love you sister-friend. word.
September 7th, 2008 at 5:42 am
I’ve heard this sort of thing a few times in the last year or so and am left with that same sick feeling the rest of the day.
Fuck them and their narrowmindedness, I’d rather have a real man.
September 7th, 2008 at 5:44 am
The world is full of fucking fuckers who never really fucked anyone. I bet both boys have only had one on one experience. I must applaud your restraint. This is the kind of moment that I go teacher on a morons ass.
September 7th, 2008 at 5:54 am
This will come around and bite him in the ass. Trust me. Karma doesn’t like fuckers like them go unscathed for too long.
September 7th, 2008 at 6:26 am
That might be the best rant EVER. Smart, funny, and mean as fuck. I love it.
September 7th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Applauding!
Ignorant little shits.
September 7th, 2008 at 7:13 am
The flutter smackdown, I love it! Fuck them anyway, but I’m sorry you had to hear that shit.
September 7th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Little rude fucks. Their parents should teach them better than to judge.
September 7th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Oh yeah, and have a nice day:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcuAIQyzB2s
September 7th, 2008 at 7:54 am
I hope this guy’s dick falls off. What an asswipe.
You’re right on with the commentary.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:02 am
This makes me think we should move to the country before my kids hit the age where they might want to go to the mall without me. Ugh.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Dude’s a virgin. Big-talking, no action asshole.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:30 am
What a total jackass. I have no words. I’m glad you do.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:39 am
You know he was totally lying anyway, right? He probably has a “girlfriend” in “Canada,” which is dick-speak for “tired right hand.” What a fucking loser.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:47 am
Preach on, sister friend, preach on!
September 7th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Testify, Girl!
September 7th, 2008 at 9:25 am
Before i read your description, i was just thinking the same thing…. Useless raisin brain twit boy that would be totally incapable of rocking a woman’s world much less equipped for it. Makes you want to wait for his parents and give the rightful culprit of this idiots existence an earful.
Useless people should all be shipped to the big mall on an island somewhere and get out of the starbucks LINE!!!!!!!! lol.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Just so you know…not all teenagers are like that. I know some very kind and sensitive ones. Ones who would never say or even think such a thing. But…sadly, sometimes their mentality when they are in pairs or in a pack changes. Like..they have to outdouche one another. I’ve told my son numerous times when I see asshat behavior that if I ever hear of or catch him acting like that, I’ll ground him until he’s fifty. I also try really, really hard to teach them to be leaders and not lemmings. I hope that means that when someone they are with is doing something stupid or mean, they will stand up and tell that person that they suck.
Sorry you had to deal with that hon. But teenagers? Don’t pay a bit of attention to what they say. Their brains are scrambled by hormones.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:30 am
I love the thought of that beautiful, luscious ass swinging out the door. She is on her way to a life that loves her, a life filled with laughter and words of kindness and knowing where she belongs.
He is stuck panting after the skinny dead fish who does not want him anyway.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Congrats on the new job!
Oh, how I wish you’d said it to them… (though personally, I’d have been thinking the same thing but wouldn’t have the nerve).
September 7th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
What total pair of wankers! I hate it when I’m confronted with that sort of crap in public places. Hell, sometimes I get in my own personal circle as well (who the fuck thinks it’s funny to tell a fat joke infront of a fat girl?!). It’s impossibe to confront that shit head on, I know- you feel outnumbered and you know damn well the first thing they will do is go for the size jugular. But damn! That was a sublime rant. Everything I would have said and more. You go girl.
(Just as an aside, I’ve always been curious to hear what real men think of the size and shape of women. Their honest opinion of what is considered attractive and what is not, and what shaped those opinions, etc. Could be a good blog post for those of the Y chromosome brave enough to be honest about it. )
September 7th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Oh crap! I forgot! Yay! New Job! Congrats.
September 7th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I so wish you could go to his high school, looking like your fine self and repeat that diatribe. And what would the little dick’s response be then? “Oh…yeah?”
September 7th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I love you girly. You have the skill with the words.
And that troglodyte? Never nailed a woman in his life I’d guess.
September 7th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
The youth of America and our future leaders… Karma will get him back as he may grow up but his pee pee will not
September 7th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Super-duper smackdown, girl! What a couple of losers! Congratulations on the new employment; hope that you really enjoy it.
September 7th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
again, evidence of why I love you.
September 7th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
“You great big vinegary douche.”
Love it.
September 7th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Let’s take him out. Did you get his number? Address? cell number? How we gonna take him out if we can’t find the asshole???
September 7th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Amen to that.
I love your writing.
September 7th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Ignorant, stupid, stupid people. Not worth the energy. Although, it was too bad you could not have “accidentally” spilled some coffee on them. You know….ooooops.
You could not have said it any better. They sound like they don’t respect women, period.
XXXXX
September 7th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Furreal? In line? OUt loud? So would not have been able to keep my big hips from, uh-em, interupting their chat.
September 7th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
were they the red shoes?
boys are dumbshits.
September 7th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Think I woulda spilled my coffee down the front of the little fucktwad’s pants.
September 7th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I hate mallrats. Especially the dumb variety. Who breeds THOSE? Oy.
September 7th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
what is there to say to that kind of ignorance?
I do believe it comes around.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Did I miss the post when you told us about your new job?
September 7th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
i hope his little dick shrivels permanently.
more, i’m sorry that kind of discourse still exists…and i’m sorry you were in line behind it, because it hurts to have your airspace made toxic like that.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
1. Idiots.
2. I found Crocs that don’t look like Crocs and are super comfy for work.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
I was thinking this: if the second kid has ever fucked anything in his life, it has probably only ever been an ACTUAL dead fish. I send my condolences to the fish.
But I do secretly love that having a “girlfriend” in “Canada” is a euphemism for self-love. “Oh, Canada!”
September 8th, 2008 at 5:24 am
I’m not sure how you kept from hurting him. What an asshole.
September 8th, 2008 at 7:52 am
I will admit a sad thing, right here and now. I have praised jeebuz that my daughter is tall and thin and pretty. Teenagers have so much on them today, I was just glad to have this big obvious THING I could check off my list. No body issues. No worries about her starving herself. No tears because some asshole guy said something terrible to her.
I got the opposite problem for my trouble of course. Guys did say horribly upsetting things to her – because she was beautiful.
I have two sons and my job is to raise gentlemen who will not think this way and who I hope against hope will tell their friends who do to shut the fuck up.
Next time, SAY IT TO THEM. Have one of those Hollywood movie moments where you just lost your shit, right there in public, and let them have it.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:36 am
I will move heaven and earth, if I must, not to raise my boys to be teenagers like this.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Dear lord… it’s that type of thing that makes a woman want to “oops!” shame about the hot coffee spill on the crotch!
September 8th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Yeah! What you said…
I would LOVE to stand in the line behind the girl and her friend: “I know…he was a gross mallrat and had no idea what to do in bed…thank goodness I was there, but I thought he was sort of cute, and well, why not? But ugh…too small, I wasn’t even sure we were doing it…plus? He WON’T stop calling me…I’m gonna have to change my number!”
September 8th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
OH, *SNAP*!
I wanna… I just wanna… I wanna kick those dudes in the xiyphoid process…sses.
Fucking bitches.
September 8th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
so, what you’re saying is that you got a little irritated on your lunch break?
*ducking and running for cover…*
September 8th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Heehee! Some teen girls called me a fat lesbian at the beach last week – I think because they thought I was staring at them(which I was not, I was looking for shark teeth). I remember being mad at first. Then thought to myself, hmm let me explore this. Fat lesbian. Ok Fat? Is that really an insult? Even if I were fat would it be an insult? Nope. Lesbian? As in someone who loves women? Nope, not an insult. I’d like to think if I were a lesbian I would be attracted to a smart woman who can think of better insults than fat lesbian…..
September 8th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Love it. Had I been standing there with you I would have swung my fist in his direction too!
September 8th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Sometimes I just can’t believe the conversations people have in public, I really can’t. What a pair of idiots through and through.
September 8th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Holy mother of rants! You go, girl. The conversation you overheard sounds like it came directly out of a memoir I read recently (but couldn’t bring self to finish) called “I hope they sell beer in hell.” Only difference, the author was a law student (supposedly) at a prominent southern “Ivy League of the South” university. So not a dummy. But most certainly a self-loathing masked as misogynistic bad boy. My advice — do not read it. You might find yourself on the 10 Most Wanted list after you are through with him.
September 8th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Why is illegal to slap the little turds into next week, again?
September 8th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Well, i think you just told them.
September 8th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Maybe she could *accidentally* bite him while doing oral? Sorry. But that would piss me off too – and if I had kids with me, that child would have wished he’d never been born.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Three snaps in a circle!!!
I think you have effectively laid a curse upon that little punk – I can almost see his future etched out in your words, and you know what? It made me happy, dammit.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:19 am
Amen! You tell ‘em sista!
September 9th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I think someone’s begging to get put on a flagpole by their underwear (that they are still wearing).
September 9th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
ha!! LOL
September 13th, 2008 at 4:49 am
I I need a beautifully stated nasty rant someday, can I call you?
September 14th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
So many ignoramuses, so few bullets…
BTW I doubt that the little fuck has ever “nailed” anybody. He probably sits in his room gazing at magazine photos of women he’ll never have, while pulling his pathetic little pork and crying.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
I agree with Sharon. I’m going to guess the whole scenario was a figment of his imagination. Great stuff.