Therapy notes: You were selfish before and it wasn’t good, but you are being selfish now and it could be good. Wait, I think. Yeah, that’s what I meant.
So, you’ve lied to protect people you love from you. You’ve been the keeper of secrets. How’s that working for you?
I looked around the office, noticing the Kachina dolls were absent. The carpet had been rolled up, and tile lay in its place. “Since you’re redecorating, are you getting rid of this god awful couch, too? Because seriously if you are going to keep it this fucking hot in here, you cannot expect a fat girl to sit on leather. Just saying.”
So, you’ve lied to protect people you love from you. You’ve been the keeper of secrets. How’s that working for you?
“Jesus, you have a one track mind.”
He smiled. My favorite smile. The one that means he’s kicking my ass. Lately he wears it with increasing frequency.
“It’s not been well. I work so hard at trying not to hurt people and then I whip myself into a little fury. I keep all these secrets, all these truths and sweep them under a rug. Then I hurt people by acting like an erratic weirdo. If I’d just said something in the first place, it wouldn’t have been as huge. You know? Instead people end up thinking I am fucking nuts.”
I wouldn’t say nuts, but yes, seems like you have a good grasp on what I am asking.
I nodded, tracing my eyes over the gold and brown patterns in the light tile. It seemed ugly, to me. Just like this process. How, even though the tile is nicer than the awful blue carpet, it is still unseemly. It is still unfinished. Just like me, I am waiting to be natural stone, right now I am gold and brown flecked tile.
“Did you pick this flooring? It is really…”
No. Don’t get me started on the flooring. That is when I would have to pay you for therapy.
“So, I think I need to talk to my mom. I think I need to ask her why she stayed with him for so long, when he was so damaging to us.”
What do you hope to gain from that?
“I want to understand her better. I want to know why she left when it was good for her and not good for us. When she isn’t a selfish person.”
You mean like when you were selfish? With your secrets? You were selfish before and it wasn’t good, but you are being selfish now and it could be good. Wait, I think. Yeah, that’s what I meant.
And I understand. That there may be some secret that I don’t know. She may be protecting me, as I have been trying to protect her. That maybe all of this sidestepping of the truth..maybe it the ultimate in selfishness. Not allowing someone to know me, keeping me to myself.
I am worth knowing, right?
September 12th, 2008 at 10:59 am
So far? I would sit next to you in a line up any day! fer sure! and yea. Fat girls and couches? I KNOW the drill. So easy to distract ones self from dealing with reality.
Telling the truth in an adult and non-hostile way is so liberating. I hope you continue to choose to be free from “secrets” in the future. And be true to yourself. Liberating. Painful, real, downright scary on the edge kind of liberating. boooyeah! here is to life! You are so worth it!
September 12th, 2008 at 11:03 am
YOu are SO worth knowing. The world is a better place because of you, darling. I’m so happy you’re in it and feel so lucky to know you.
I’ll be thinking of you on Monday. When I sit on a scratchy tweed couch, freezing my ass off….
September 12th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Of course you are worth knowing. If you weren’t, I wouldn’t be reading this site.
There’s a saying in certain recovery circles that “we are only as sick as our secrets”. I believe that to be true for the most part.
Also.. in terms of your mom? Historical context. People of her generation and mine were raised to believe you simply don’t leave. No matter what. That might have factored into her choices.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:06 am
you are!
September 12th, 2008 at 11:07 am
god yes.
yes.
in fact, most of us never even get this far.
September 12th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
right. it (should) go without saying. but I’m saying just to make sure you know.
September 12th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
wow. what a blog- i may linger here. . . . .
September 12th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I absolutely adore you. I enjoyed so much, how you put into clear words and thoughts the idea that if you are just truthful at first then it’s not going to be as big of a deal as when you’re trying to be “nice” How many times do I have to push things away and then take those things out on someone subconsciously later…and then watch it blow up? Yes. State that truth…
September 12th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
It doesn’t seem that long ago, but I can’t recall exactly when this conversation took place, my mother said to me, without much in the way of explanation, that she decided it was in the best interest of the family to stay with my father. Period. Yeah, that came across as pretty selfish, but that’s what parents do. They make decisions that affect kids and kids have no say.
I also remember conversations I had with the man I was obsessed with. Over time, he had talked pretty openly about his wife’s mental illness and how that had affected their life and dreams. Whenever he asked me to talk about my problems, I would balk and deflect. Finally, I said, “No. That’s mine. It’s only for me and not for you.” He got me back, though. After years (years!) of intimate conversation, he told me I was nothing but an acquaintance. Yuck. I don’t want to talk about it.
September 12th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
You are unequivocally worth knowing, Christine.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Of course you’re worth knowing. If you weren’t so dang far away, I’d want to know you in person too, but I’ll take what I can get.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
This is what I’m trying to avoid by doing what I need to do now, while Silas is so young. I don’t want him to have to ask this question of me.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Holy crap girl! You are so worth knowing! It frustrates me that this is the only medium that we have available to get to know you. If I lived in Arizona I would so be pestering you to meet me for lunch pretty much every day.
Hope you like sushi.
Secrets, they are a family bugaboo in my neck of the woods too. Well, not secrets so much as a with holding of truth to protect someone else. There is a whole lot of “oh, don’t tell your brother, your father , your mother, it will just upset them”…. it sucks, ya know?
I wish you and your mother healing and peace.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Absolutely you are worth knowing.
Is it just me, or is the phrase, “how’s that working out for you?” condescending. God, I hate it when people say that.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Well, I think so, But, that’s just my personal opinion. And I have friends who are Republicans, so clearly my thinking ain’t too clear.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
You are SO worth knowing!
I was wondering when you and the man were going to have this conversation. Forgive me – I read the teaser on the back cover
September 12th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
The quintessential question. With an answer you know already and just need to say it. Again and again until it takes hold.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Abso-bloody-lutely.
September 12th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
no question. absolutely no question. We all believe it. Shouldn’t you?
September 12th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
aahhhhhh… mother issues. i’m jealous that you’re working through yours. i should probably get on that.
and yes, you’re totally worth knowing.
September 12th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
I love sitting in his office and dismantling the decor.
I would think your mother might have stayed because she felt she had no other option. Be prepared that asking her might upset her, might open a well of feeling she has managed to justify perhaps.
hell, what do I know. I am sitting here thinking of my own mother.
September 12th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
oh, and yeah. I think you are worth knowing.
September 12th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Well, i suppose so, since i’ve been hanging out here for over a year.
September 12th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
So worth knowing and we are so incredibly blessed for you letting us the parts of you, the ones you are brave enough to share. Healing is such a long process, but you already know that. Believe that healing will come and you will never have to ask this question again.
XXXXXX
September 12th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
allowing someone to know you is a gift. you are very much worth knowing.
September 12th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Oh Flutter, how fucked up is the world when we don’t know the answer to this question that we all ask, and that, well, at least I don’t always know the answer to. You are worthy. Worthy of friends. Worthy of fans. Worthy of love, of laughs, of praise. Worthy of a remodel if you’re sick of the flecks. But just remember, tile does feel good under the feet. And it cleans up nicely.
September 12th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
You know I’m a fan of knowing you, even as just a bloggy friend.
September 13th, 2008 at 3:43 am
Yes. You absolutely are worth knowing. Full stop, the end.
September 13th, 2008 at 5:00 am
you are so worth knowing! are you kidding?
but all this is tough. it’s so tough. i still grabble with this? why was my emotional safety and well-being sacrificed for my father and brother? why?
September 13th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Yes you are worth knowing, but getting to know yourself is a scary business. It means looking at mistakes, accepting your imperfections, moving forward, not backwards. It means opening up your heart to love and to hurt. It means seeing others as they really are and not how you need them to be. And it means seeing yourself as you really are and not how you believe yourself to be.
It’s a hard, messy business and it’s so worth it sweetie.
September 13th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Do you really have to ask? That’s why I’m here. I want to know you better.
September 13th, 2008 at 8:36 am
EVERY LITTLE BIT OF YOU
I love*
September 13th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Yup. That’s why I read, and keep reading. To know you.
September 13th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
The more I know you, the more I love you. Anyone who is willing to get to know you, is very lucky indeed!
September 13th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Without question, you are worth knowing.
September 13th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Well…..HELL TO THE YES…..of course you are! I don’t waste my time on losers! Just sayin’!
September 13th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Oh pookie – can I please call you pookie? – you are definitely worth knowing.
(And that protecting people thing is hard to give up. What a great session.)
September 13th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
You’re worth knowing, worth having your address and phone # written IN PEN.
Here’s the thing about asking questions like that: You should. Because if not now, when? Eventually, anyone who can answer them for you will be gone. Ask, and keep asking if you need to.
September 14th, 2008 at 5:29 am
more than you will ever realize, sweetheart.
September 14th, 2008 at 9:42 am
You know the answer to the question. You have tangible proof that you are worth knowing, look around.
The rest? Why do parents do what they do? All I can say is that this process the you/we/they go through happens while you are raising children.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I’m glad to know you.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:57 am
You are infinitely worth knowing my friend–you just have to walk that long road back to yourself, to aprpeciate you for who you are.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:50 am
Of course you are.
- Mothers can be an ocean of secrets. Oh I hate secrets. The damage they do. (secrets, not mothers. I love mothers…oh you get what I mean)
Hang in there.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:29 am
“Worth knowing” seems an understatement about the rare privilege it is to even read you. Btw, the details about the kachinas and the flooring are what elevate you above being merely a “really good” writer. They make you amazing.
One thought about your mom: you could discover she wasn’t selfish, that she had her reasons, within her perspective, for her choices. But you could discover she WAS selfish, and then the next step is finding a way to be okay with that.
September 15th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
You DEFINE the word WORTH, my lovely. DEFINE it.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Fuck yeah you are.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:54 am
You are worth so much, Flutter.
May one day you know all of the truths and may they comfort you.
September 17th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
i realize that what I KNOW of you is what you put here, for public consumption, as it were, but even still, I think you are VERY worth knowing
September 18th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I think it is time for you and your mom to have a talk. You will get answers and she will also. You have to also understand she is from a different generation, she was brought up a certain way. Lots of times it takes a while for a person to see the truth and to do something about it. This I will tell you. Your mom is a great human being, you 3 were and still are the most important people in her life. I know this. I saw this.
You my dear are worth so much. Look at all your public. We all support you.
I love you and will always love you no matter how crazy or insane. I know the real you. She is wonderful, she is beautiful, she is talented, everyone knows that. You tend to forget that sometimes.
But I still love ya!
September 18th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
(behind again)
I think you are very worth knowing. I feel like although our contact has been limited, my life has been complemented by knowing you. I love learning from you and learning about you.
September 18th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
You are definitely worth knowing.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
I TOTALLY WANT TO KNOW YOU!
I wish I’d had a blog during all my years of therapy. I wrote a lot during the process, but reading your posts makes me wish I’d had more of an outlet.
Hey, I took a picture of myself today in the mirror with the flash and all. I uploaded it to my computer and then I IMMEDIATELY DELETED IT.
I will try again tomorrow.
I do want to join you.
Love. Love and more love.
(I’ll be 43 in 3 weeks, so it’s a good time to also do a “year of me!” Inspired by you!)