The process of getting over it
Relinquishing fear is no easy task. When you have built your entire life around fear, the absence of it is almost deafening.
Not that I would know. Well, maybe sometimes I would, but then my knees give and I stumble downhill back into the crevasse of despair. Fall back into my green satin dress, with the silver trim. Fall back into him. Fall back into wondering why I was only good enough for my friend to love me in secret. Fall back into 17, cleaning my own blood off of the bathroom floor.
And I know, this is almost 17 years later, that I am a woman and not a girl. I know that in these walls, in these arms in this place, I am safe. I know I am not going to die cold and alone at his hand. At his rage. I know.
But getting over it, letting it go, I don’t know. I am searching for meaning where perhaps there is none. I am looking for sense in the realm of the senseless. I am just trying to get the fuck over it. How do I? How do I forget his hands? His eyes? The grainy sweet smell of his breath? The coppery smell of my blood? The sound of that one drip of water in the sink? The fear?
I suppose that is the process. Damned if I can explain.
October 21st, 2008 at 9:55 pm
I don’t think you ever get over it. But maybe move beyond it. Someday.
The knowledge that you gained all of those years ago, that experience (the horrible, awful, heart-pounding experience), allows you to truly appreciate now. You are safe. Loved. Respected. Honored. And ever vigilant. Aware, wary, watchful.
And because of the past, you are able to recognize the rightness of your life now, and know that you deserve to be treasured.
Take care
October 21st, 2008 at 11:10 pm
I admit, I had you in mind for part of my post. However, I also have to add that you are a perfect example of how “NOT GOING TO LET YOU KEEP ME DOWN” the human race really is. Given the choice between letting his vileness keep you afraid and utterly broken for your whole life, or fighting back and trying to work through what he left behind? You chose to fight. And that is but one of the things I love about you. “Getting the fuck over it”? That’s an extremely harsh thing to put on yourself. I understand the impatience – “Is this going to suck forever?” – but try not to rip into yourself because of it. You deserve better.
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:14 am
I have no idea how you ever forget my dear. Hypnotism? Electro-shock therapy? Don’t you just wish you could have bits of your memory wiped? Or do you? Would you erase the memories if you could, or are they such an integral part of you that you wouldn’t be you (and all the wonderfulness and talent that that entails) without them?
October 22nd, 2008 at 4:28 am
i wish i could tell you the secret, i wish i could cast a magic spell or give you a special forgetting pill…but i have none of those things and it makes my heart heavy knowing that you suffer so.
love you flutter, really i do.
October 22nd, 2008 at 6:18 am
Experiences in life good or bad should never be forgotten. These are the things that shape who we are, they make our spirit hard, sensitive, loving, compassionate, etc etc etc. Even a soul that has been tortured through an experience can look back and see how they have shaped themselves and grown because of what they have been through. Believe me I have spent wasted years trying to forget experiences that have happened when I came to the realization that it was impossible. When you turn yourself completely off to the things that happen you stop growing and accept stagnation as your destiny. Accept any kindness given whether they are kind words or even a little hug, let them empower your soul so you can get through those tough times unscathed.
October 22nd, 2008 at 6:45 am
I doubt you will ever forget it… I’m not sure if that is the same as getting over it. But I do think you’ll be Ok ~ you’re getting there, even though it doesn’t always feel like it.
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:04 am
Forgetting is an art…but not necessarily synonymous with coping. You are waking from a deep sleep. It’s difficult to overcome the grogginess. WHen you sleep for long periods it is difficult to separate yourself from the process.
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:26 am
I don’t know, flutter. I don’t know if you can ever forget, or if forgetting is the point. I suppose getting over it requires some way to live *with* it, but how does one do that? I sure wish I had the just right answer for you, babe.
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:14 am
I wish I knew, but I don’t. I doubt anyone does. Know, I heartcha and you will get through this.
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:42 am
oh, flutter, you are in the middle of it now, aren’t you?
there is no surefire way to get over the fear, to live with it, to strip it of its power. it is different for everyone. it is subjective and universal at the same time.
but i picture you:
underwater, floating in a gorgeous gauzy gown, hair streaming, eyes open, timeless.
and you have turned your head toward the surface. you have seen a stream of sunlight blinking above. you’ve started heading up.
and you have enough air in your lungs to get there.
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:31 am
As much as you want to forget, as much as we all want to forget the pain and the details of what caused it, I truly believe that it makes you who you are, even though it hurts. Imagine if you were not you? Not carved from your experiences? I know it hurts, I do – but I think this world is a much better place with the current *you* (including all of your pain) in it. Much love -
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:11 am
Every time you put the words down, you take a piece of yourself back. I do not believe in forgetting. You have to live your way through the memory to what is on the other side. Be patient with all that you are, will be.
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:24 am
And you certainly don’t have to explain.
I’m not sure there is such a thing as forgetting. Nobody could simply forget that kind of trauma. I think (and this is simply my opinion) it has more to do with being able to live well inspite of the memory; to live with the memory without the memory becoming your life. – if that makes sense.
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:28 am
Check out all of the love written in these words of response. That is where you find your healing. We all love you.
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I tried to think what to say for a very long time, everything seemed so easy for me to say.
I hope you find a stream, deep in the forest of your heart where you can drink the essence of moonlight until it fills your whole being with the softest and most wondrous sense of gentle healing.
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:16 pm
i don’t know if you will ever forget, but their power shall certainly dim, of this i’m quite certain. i think the vividiness of this struggle is proof that it’s already begun. love you. xo
October 22nd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
You are who you are, in all of your wonderful, glorious self, shaped by all that has happened to you. Including the terrible tragedy of your 17th year.
“Getting over it” may just mean learning not to dwell on it, and I know that is possible, feasible, and a reasonable goal. You, my friend, are already making great strides in the healing process. Your scars (physical, emotional …) are part of you. The you that we love. Your gift is in showing us all your insurmountable spirit. Thanks, as always, for sharing.
October 22nd, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Letting go, getting over it…they are misnomers. You can’t just let it go, or walk away from it. As you heal, the time between being yanked back down into the nightmare will grow in length, just a bit more here and there, until it has been a day or a week or a month since it grabbed you and pulled you under. The space between will grow, and that’s how you know, you’re doing it. You’re moving on. There will be times when you are hit harder by it, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t still moving forward.
October 22nd, 2008 at 4:59 pm
I don’t think you get over it. Your physical self survived it, that much is true. But it is going to take time to for those other scars to really toughen. And maybe reliving it, maybe thinking about it, is the way…I dunno.
October 22nd, 2008 at 5:29 pm
No, you are not a girl anymore, that doesn’t change the way you feel or felt. You are a woman and you are growing, it’s part of recovering…
October 22nd, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I do not think you will ever forget as I have not forgotten my abuse at the age of 12 but what I did decide to do is not let it control my life or take over my life. It was not going to paralyze me or hinder my future in any way. That bastard does not deserve that victory. While he did manage to steal a couple years he was not going to take them all….
October 22nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Shake her loose. Name her Then. Name you Now. Send her letters. Don’t open hers.
Don’t take my advice. I’m not good with following the rules.
Wind time back. (I’m pissed you can’t cut it good-bye. I’m pissed it happened/happens. I think I need a pop – my weekday form of drink.)
October 22nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Living with it- easier said than done – but you are strong and wonderful and so very worth being able to live without fear. How about a voodoo doll in a fire? With needles in the crotch? (the doll’s)
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:34 pm
I don’t know how you get over it, but I like what Erin said. Then and Now.
We’re there with you, as much as we can be.
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:41 pm
There is getting over it for small things. then there is learning to carry it with a relative ease (for the bigger things).
This thing is pretty fucking big.
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I think it is hard to forget, maybe in reality we all need to live with what causes us so much pain and be brave to face it everyday. And still be able to move on and then maybe, somehow, it will get tired, the memories that keeps coming back, will get tired and you will be able to face it one day and not feel pain…
I believe that you are a strong woman, Flutter and I really admire you for it, admitting things we fear, things that causes us pain requires strength and bravery and you did all that.
And that is why I believe that one day soon, you’ll be able to find the peace of mind and happiness you’re looking for.
October 23rd, 2008 at 6:22 am
Keep writing. And talking. And living.
That’s the process. Your process, my friend.
One day, you’ll wake up and realize, just maybe, that you haven’t thought about the piece of shit for a time, and it’ll feel good.
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:44 am
There must be some middle ground, some way you haven’t thought of yet maybe? Maybe the definition of getting over it needs to change somehow? God, I don’t know. It’s almost like I’d need to listen in on your therapy sessions….
(Fine, this comment is a thinly veiled excuse to try to convince you to introduce me to my husband aka your therapist. Did it work?)
(I love you)
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:32 am
I’m thinking out loud and writing it to you.
So much of what has shaped your life and who you are today is wrapped up in this one horrible event when you were a “child”. I don’t think you need to “get over it” or “let it go”. It is part of you and it will always be a part of you. It’s about taking a negative experience and growing from it. Did you learn anything from the experience? Can you help others learn from your experience? Is sharing the information here helpful? Do you feel like you’re progressing at all? Where were you a year ago in this process? Are you better off now, the same, or worse?
Can you tell I’ve also been in therapy? It’s a hard road, the one you’re on, but it’s worth it. Sometimes you’ll slip and fall, but as long as you keep getting back up, as long as you keep pushing forward, then you will find some resolve and peace someday. It will happen. I pray for that for you.
October 23rd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
The first step in the process of getting over it is realizing that you’ll never get over it.
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Forgetting it might be too much to ask. Neutralizing it might be more possible. For me, with powerful, dehabilitating memories, it’s processing them again and again and again and again that sucks away their power.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:48 am
In my Tao, there is no “getting over” anything.
‘Just let it go’ is more a philosophy than an option. If it were possible to ‘just let go’, we’d all know freedom right now. Often our only real choice is to just let it be. — Ezra Bayda
Allowing what *was* to be what *was* because it was.
Nothing to undo, fix, as much as accept.
So simple, so much.
(Hi, you.)
October 24th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Rotten, rotten burden, no doubt, and it’s unlikely there will ever be a getting over.
Like it’s been said here already: There’s a getting past, and you’re on your way.
I wish I could take it back.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Even if I told you the answers, they wouldn’t necessarily be your answers.
I don’t know if you ever truly get over “it” either, you just incorporate it better – like one does with a death. You unpeel the trauma again and again, over and over – until its power lessens and YOU emerge as empowered, and “it” is now just, meh, mostly beige.
October 24th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Damned if I know either. But I do know that you are working so very hard to break free and I admire the hell out of you for it.
October 27th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I have no idea how to get through that fear either…I wish I did.
October 28th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I wish I had the answer for you. Sending hugs.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
You can’t forget but you can let go of the pain.
Forgive yourself, you are not to blame.
You have the right to walk in the world with your
head held high and to feel joy just because you ARE.
My heart goes out to you.
We all love you, justify us by loving yourself.