Therapy Notes: The one where he just says it like it is
I am ridiculously frustrating.
Stupidly frustrating.
The crazy making.
For so many years, I went numb. Not feeling, hiding behind the tallest of walls, drawing up my bridge and not allowing anyone to cross. I have often said that my consciousness as a person, began on a December night in 1992. Everything before then was veiled in vellum, seen but unfocused. As if before this great trauma, I had not quite been born. I came into being by the point of a knife.
It seems a tragic birth.
If I were to rely on my most organic beliefs, then I would hold true to my agreement of this. I would rely on the truth that I had known these would be my crosses to bear when I decided, in spirit, to live this life. That I knew this would be a difficult journey well before I purchased my ticket, that I did so willingly, to learn. To learn. Not to be filled with trauma, but rather to transcend. To be a more complete person, a more vulnerable, more open, more true soul.
As life would have it, I am not gentle enough with myself to fully acknowledge those core pieces of my belief. I am rude. I am cold. I am harsh. Compliments bounce off of me like hail on fresh pavement. I am self absorbed in my negativity in to such an extent that it disallows me to engage. To be fully vested, to believe those positive things about myself which are true. Years of all of those who I love and who love me telling me what I am….just lost to a molasses thick flytrap of my own bullshit self trauma.
Frustrating.
So as I sat with him today, my legs curled up beside me, toes tucked inbetween the cushions of the world’s ugliest couch; I laid this on him. All of this frustration, all of this impatience, all of this hurt. I laid it in a neat pile, at his feet. I tried to pretty it up, tie it with a bow. To do what I always do, to sterilize it and make it palatable.
Don’t do that. Not here, not for me. Your walls have no place here and I know the moment you slam them shut. Your whole face changes, your light goes dim and something cold replaces it. We are done with that, ok? I am feeling very spicy, and I am not sure if it was the lobster sauce I had with my pasta at lunch or what, Christine, but here’s the deal. You’ve made a lot of progress in a year, but here is what you have to stop. Right now. Truth is truth. Don’t flower it up. Not for me, not for anyone. I can handle your shit. He can handle your shit. You can’t handle it all by yourself, so just fucking give it up.
Just like that. Just fucking give it up. It wasn’t a demand to relinquish control, but rather take more responsibility, more control by presenting the whole picture. To trust. To know that I am less of a burden than I think and more of a gift than I know. To look at myself from the bird’s eye instead of the microscope.
To trust all who love me to do the same.
Thank God for that lobster sauce.
this smirk made me laugh. Evil things precede and proceed this face. Always.
October 24th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
That sounds like another passage coming ~ another transformation!
Since I have the very same pattern, I won’t say it is “easy” ~ or even satisfying at times ~ but it’s where your path is leading you.
You look great in the picture!
~*
October 24th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
You therapist sounds just freaking AWESOME. Almost as awesome as that skirt.
October 24th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
“I am less of a burden than I think and more of a gift than I know.”
Absolutely. ABSOLUTELY. I’m glad for the lobster sauce, too.
(And that look is remarkably similar to one of my own, there. Heh. We’d be hell on wheels.)
October 24th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
You MUST have the same therapist because mine awhile ago told me basically to go screw myself and get on with it. In a therapeutic way of course.
Now, because I am a shallow betch. Girl. That outfit, that pose, that smirk.
sheeeit. Flutter. Roawr.
smokin’.
October 24th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
that lobster sauce should be bottled up and sold.
and on the label should be that picture of you with the tagline:
“just fucking give it up”
i would totally buy it.
October 24th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I like the smirk. It’s dangerous.
October 24th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
It seems to me that it is almost by definition transcendent to believe that this life is just one of many lessons. If you believe that, then there is no need to hide behind the barriers, clinging to the pain. Yes, offer it up, let it dissipate on the wind current. This bird’s wings are strong enough to out fly it.
October 24th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I think he slipped you some sauce. That smirk says so. What an annoyingly smart man.
Go girl, that dress rocks!
October 24th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
YOU LOOK GORGEOUS!
October 24th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
He’s awesome.
And I love the scarf around the dress.
October 24th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
“I am less of a burden than I think and more of a gift than I know.” Exactly. For the record, he’s worth every penny, and so are you.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
I have the urge to pretty up my shit for other people, too.
You are gorgeous and I LOVE the smirk.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
When we tie things up with neat little bows, I can never decide, are we doing it to protect ourselves or others? It can easily go both ways.
Personally I seldom have the patience to package my shit properly and I usually recycle it into multiple layers of grocery bags so it doesn’t smell so fragrant. But who I am I really fooling, shit is still shit pretty package or not.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
goth girl. I’d run from you on the street.
Not really, i’d talk with you.
October 24th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
I think Melanie and Jennifer H. said it best.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
He’s great, and I identify with this: To trust. To know that I am less of a burden than I think and more of a gift than I know.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
oh babygirl….
October 24th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
You look lovely in that outfit. I hope you can own it. All of it.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
you look spicy! did you have some lobster sauce!
(I’ve been missing the pictures, and wondered if you’d given them up entirely. Good to see you again!)
October 24th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Lookin’ good, babe. Lookin’ good. I think you should keep listening to that man.
October 25th, 2008 at 6:34 am
You look happy and mischievous. It’s a good look for you. Doc is a smart man.
October 25th, 2008 at 7:59 am
Letting it go is such a relief, and so short lived. One would think it should be easy, to just quit fighting, to open up and stand still, but the impulse to be ever vigilant…
That’s what this makes me think… being ever vigilant, and how what we think we must do to protect ourselves ends up in a vacume of me, me, me…
October 25th, 2008 at 9:47 am
This is one of my favorite photos of you. You look happy and I love that skirt!
When you’re finished with your therapist, can you send him to me? He almost too good though, huh?
October 25th, 2008 at 10:22 am
here’s to trust and to spicy lobster sauce!
October 25th, 2008 at 11:05 am
what a cute skirt!
we hold these truths to be self evident…..
I always expect you to put yourself out here, bare bones, no bows – and I’ve not been disappointed yet. say it and own it. it’s the only way to let it go.
October 25th, 2008 at 11:07 am
lovin’ the get up… lovin’ the therapist… lovin’ the writing (as usual) ….. lovin’ you! And I’m doing it from the bird’s eye so to speak so maybe that’s the trick
October 25th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Knowing what you do, knowing that you stop feeling, stuff things down, refuse to feel, pretend is huge. So many people never get that far. I’m going to through this out there and if you want to tell me to fuck off, feel free. I won’t take it personally. But I don’t think all of the stuff that you write about, all your fears, all of the feelings that you don’t want to feel, I don’t think that all comes from being raped. I think it goes back further, back to when you were a kid. Where you seen as a kid? Acknowledged? Accepted? Valued? Me neither. Something to think about and please, please don’t hate me.
October 25th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
that is a great outfit. love those shoes.
October 25th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I love to come here and get lost in your words. And, you look damn good. Kind of inspires me to PERHAPS get out of the sweat pants and dress up. naw. maybe tomorrow.
October 25th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
You look like trouble missy.
Fun trouble.
October 25th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
That lobster sauce rocks.
October 26th, 2008 at 7:04 am
I have been wondering where the pictures went…
Yay for lobster sauce
October 26th, 2008 at 8:34 am
“To know that I am less of a burden than I think and more of a gift than I know.”
Bingo! I gotta check into the lobster sauce.
BTW, very cool outfit! Dare I say, HOT!
October 26th, 2008 at 10:43 am
So not the point, but you look SMOKIN’ in that picture.
October 26th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
What de said…
Love the dress! You look gorgeous..
October 27th, 2008 at 9:20 am
have you lost weight? you look good.
October 27th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Oh yes. I can sit at my therapists office and “confess” all these things to her, and then state, “oh…but, it’s OK…no biggie” right on the verge of tears…after I’ve tried so hard to make it better than it is. Sometimes you just shake with the effort of trying to keep it all together, but I guess there’s no reason to really do that is there? It’s really OK to let it go…
October 27th, 2008 at 10:26 am
This is what I needed today, this need to give up making everything sound pretty.
I like Mr. Lobster Sauce.
October 27th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I LOVE him.
(but you knew that.)
And have I told you lately how beautiful you are?
October 28th, 2008 at 3:58 am
“I am less of a burden than I think and more of a gift than I know.”
This is the most awesome thing I’ve read online in a long time.
October 28th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Deb, that was spot on. And I can’t imagine the beauty in the picture disagreeing with or hating you.
Just sayin’.
October 28th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
If anything is saucy, it’s that outfit on you. YOW.
October 28th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
He’s saucy, your therapist. And we like him.
I love what De said…
October 29th, 2008 at 11:15 am
“I am less of a burden than I think and more of a gift than I know.”
Well HELLO THERE truth staring you in the face — GOOD MORNIN’!!
October 31st, 2008 at 12:00 am
You are a precious gift. What a great affirmation–I love that you wrote it. And keep the pretty pictures coming!
November 9th, 2008 at 8:03 am
‘give it up.’ indeed. I’ll have to try that.