Oh, WebMD you scary bastard
I have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.
and Peptic Ulceritis.
Also? Irritable Bowl Syndrome.
Oh yeah, and Endometriosis, thanks for asking.
While we are at it, let me tell you all about my Sickle Cell, Cervical Inflammatory Syndrome, Appendicitis, Ectopic Pregnancy, Ulcerative Colitis a kidney infection and the piece de resistance, Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.
My dr has yet to verify these findings, although I am so certain in my research ability that I may just start treating myself for all above mentioned afflictions without even consulting her. Because, really? WebMD said I have those things, so seriously? Who am I to question? I have further done research (on the internet, of course, which is truly a treasure trove of truth and accuracy) which verifies that I can clear every health issue I have, have had, or will ever have, by simply never eating again.
That seems reasonable.
Because then I would be dead, and certainly death is a cure for all the things that WebMD says are wrong with me. Conditions which may, or may not include loud and boisterous farting. I am not confirming that this is a present symptom. I’m just saying, WebMD says it could be. If I stopped eating, I would never have gas again. But I am not saying that I do.
WebMD says it is a TOTALLY NORMAL symptom of my condition(s), so quit judging.
I hear you judging, or maybe that’s a symptom, too. Voices. Allow me to consult WebMD…..
Nope, voices aren’t normal, but now WebMD says that I may be suffering from Schizophrenia. Curable by not eating.
So, really? This horrendous pain in my left side? The one that very well may be the last vestigal symptom of Explosive Shiteritis? I think I MAY have to consult a medical professional. Damn you, WebMD you scary bastard.
October 30th, 2008 at 12:43 am
Okay, so go to the doctor?
(I love looking up symptoms…we could probably split the meds for at least half of those diseases, since I have a few, too)
October 30th, 2008 at 3:48 am
God, you make me laugh.
Now that I’m done snorting my breakfast out through my nose – Go to a doctor woman.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:57 am
hahahaha, you truly are my sister. word. xo
October 30th, 2008 at 4:10 am
*lol* This is exactly why I never google ANYTHING medical-related, because then, doncha know, I’d have it all! Oh and do yourself a favour, NEVER, no, not EVER, Google medical related images. Oiy!
October 30th, 2008 at 4:12 am
Let ‘er rip, girlfriend. You’ll feel much better.
And then, go to the doctor . . . (this coming from he of the prior medical disaster!)
October 30th, 2008 at 4:24 am
Oh, I have thought these same things myself. Then you find one ailment on there that seems the worst, then start googling it on other sites until you accumulate at least four that prove you have it, and start planning who’s going to get your stuff when you die. Twenty minutes later, you break wind and think “Well, I feel better.”
October 30th, 2008 at 4:46 am
Aha, WebMD induced hypochondria. It’s an epidemic!
October 30th, 2008 at 4:59 am
Ailments on the internet always seem to say: Side effects could include Death!
Stop looking things up on the internet honey and see a doctor already.
October 30th, 2008 at 5:10 am
I have everything a person could possibly have and still be walking upright. I’m a true scientific marvel. I think Guiness might like to hear from me. I’ve probably acquired one or two more syndromes recently, but since I’ve forbidden myself from every Googling anything medical ever again, I’ll never know. Unless I actually go to a doctor. And who needs that??? Doctors. Puh. They’re a dying breed.
October 30th, 2008 at 5:25 am
You forgot gallstones and appendicitis.
October 30th, 2008 at 5:31 am
You’re a funny woman.
I hope a trip to a (real) doctor helps cure all your diseases.
October 30th, 2008 at 5:34 am
Okay, step away from the WebMD. I repeat, step away from the WebMD. Im fully convinced that site is a subversive tool used by pharmaceutical companies, funded by insurance companies to get us to eat more pills.
Though I am reminded of the semester I took Abnormal Psychology…. I was convinced I was Sybil. Or at the very least my roommate was.
October 30th, 2008 at 7:24 am
There ought to be a WebMD popup window that interrupts your search: Sorry! WebMD shows that you have been on our site for 16 hours and access 251 different ailments. We are imposing a 72-hour moratorium on your search. Please come back after you’ve convinced yourself that you are not dying.
October 30th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Thank God my hypochondriac kid has not yet discovered WebMD. In the last week, she has freaked out multiple times thinking she has epilepsy, food allergies, poison ivy, pneumonia, and yes – a brain tumor.
I better block the WebMD website, huh?
October 30th, 2008 at 7:32 am
we only consult webMD in the middle of the night when the kids are deathly ill. it’s always so comforting….
October 30th, 2008 at 7:39 am
You also have what I have which what I call Fake Hypochondriac. I’ve got a apparent memory lose, fatigue, and a sore throat. MUST BE MONO. I can’t tell you how many times I had “the chicken pox” in high school or really how many times I’ve had mono, jaw cancer, ear cancer, mono, pelvic inflammatory disease, or mono.
October 30th, 2008 at 7:46 am
Right there with you. I have stomach cancer and a brain tumor. May not live until tomorrow. Better stop wasting what precious time I have left looking up ailments. But reading stuff like this might, possibly cure me.
October 30th, 2008 at 8:08 am
WebMD’s bastard brother, Dr. Google, convinced me that Silas had retinoblastoma. That wasn’t true, but now I have lymphoma. Cause it hurts under my jaw. And guess what’s there? A lymph node! So, the only logical conclusion…..
October 30th, 2008 at 8:49 am
after reading WebMD, I’m going to see my gyno
October 30th, 2008 at 9:28 am
LOL at your ‘Explosive Shiteritis’!
October 30th, 2008 at 9:34 am
what happens to me after one of those research sessions is i’ll happen across some final condition that i definitely DON’T have (like, say, raging testiclitis or some other anatomical impossibility) and i’ll be quite indignant that i haven’t got that, too…
October 30th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Too DAMN funny – This is the exact reason that I never research any medical stuff on line – as by the time I am done with typing my symptoms and doing my research I have a grave medical condition…..
October 30th, 2008 at 11:25 am
OMG, I think I might have all those things too, plus restless leg syndrome!
I once read an article written by a doctor called, “When the Patient is a Googler” – very interesting perspective. You get the feeling they’re not crazy about the practice . . .
October 30th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I’m so stiff in the mornings, maybe I’m dead already.
Seriously though I did find google handy for reading up on my mum in law’s chemo drugs.
October 30th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I told my team at work they are NOT allowed to look at WebMD. I’ve had a chronic sore throat since February. When I looked up “difficulty swallowing” I got a pop-up that said “Stop. Proceed to the hospital immediately.” As if I might drive myself in for a hiemlich manuever. How helpful is that?
October 30th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
In the 3rd grade, when we learned about rickets, i took to hanging my arm out my bedroom window in january in Virginia so i would get some vitamin D and thus prevent rickets.
Then i became convinced i had scurvy, right as we studied it. It had to be true because i didn’t drink orange juice.
Next up, ovarian cancer.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Yeaaaah, I was wondering why you didn’t mention anything related to the gallbladder or appendix. And what, run-o-the-mill gastritis isn’t good enough for you? I’d say you’re struggling with Somatic Snobbercites, newly added to the ICD-10 and completely uncurable. Yup, you’re a dead woman. Eventually.
Stirring that psychic pot is so good for the tummy, isn’t it? Try an SNRI or SSRI to help those squawking neurotransmitter receptor sites in the gut, “butterflies”, n’all?
I’d like a full report with detailed symptomology in my email response, please.
(You are very cute when petulant. Ask The Boy.)
October 30th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
I hear most med students have bouts of hypochondria, too. heh heh
October 30th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Word. Oh, and if you ever have children, you’ll discover the mayo clinic site –that’s when the shit gets really scary.
October 30th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Oh god. The Internets are scary when you’re trying to self-diagnose. Definitely see a doctor with a pulse.
October 30th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I am so glad that you are making me laugh!! I DO love it when you touch my heart, but I
also love it when you touch my funny bone. THAT was f***ing great. Shiteritis. (hahahaha)
October 30th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Oh my god, I have the same pain in my left side. You must be contagious.No. Wait. That is just from me laughing so hard at this post.
October 30th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Shiteritis has been happening round these parts for awhile….
October 30th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Someone recetnly made the comment on Formerlyfun that they’re not a doctor, they just play one on the internet, I thought that was really funny, and apropos.
October 30th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
I had recurring yeast like white gunk on my tongue .. googled .. after reading lots of blah-blah, it said I could have something systemic like cancer. Nice. Eventually a routine blood test diagnosed hypothyroid. Ah. I’ve been taking meds for a year and no more yeast mouth. But webMD never mentioned thyroid specifically, just something systemic, which was right but it didn’t lead me anywhere productive, just scared the shitouttame.
October 31st, 2008 at 3:41 am
Hmm, I am spiraling into a severe case of Adirondack winter skin peeling and nose splitting.
October 31st, 2008 at 7:56 am
And just in time for Halloween! (cue the spooky music).
I really do hope you are less ill than the WebMonster would have us believe.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:12 am
Happy Halloween…you just scared yourself to death!
October 31st, 2008 at 8:49 am
Hahaha! Reminds me of my early days, studying for my medical doctorate of Googlology.
October 31st, 2008 at 9:22 am
Best of luck with all that, say she who also has IBS, Celiac disease, pelvic inflammatory disease, De Quervian’s syndrome, Wortenberg’s syndrome and tendinitis…and you think I’m kidding but I’m really, really not!
October 31st, 2008 at 11:50 am
Honey- step away from the computer.
Also imagine all the things you could dream up if you were a doctor and had some symptoms…
October 31st, 2008 at 12:40 pm
ROFL! I work in an emergency department, the internet is a scary and dangerous place that may just help me keep my job a LOT longer while we investigate all that is wrong with you…at a nice hefty cost…lucky for you, here in Canada, that cost will be absorbed by my tax dollars, but I am aware of it none the less!
Hope you’re feeling better soon
October 31st, 2008 at 2:13 pm
You make me so very happy. Scariest post yet…
October 31st, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Damn that WebMD. I have some of those. And also thighiritis. This is an illness in which your thighs literally BLOSSOM overnight into Vulcanian sausages due to eating half of the Halloween basket. BOY will be outraged. But, luckily less prone to cavities. This according to WebMD.
November 1st, 2008 at 11:30 am
I’m laughing. Out loud. Holy shit! (pun intended)
November 1st, 2008 at 1:19 pm
My husband is always getting shin cancer. You might want to check for that.
November 1st, 2008 at 1:19 pm
(and I meant my real husband, not your shrink.)
November 1st, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Hey, if you lived in Ontario you could call the Ontario Nurses Hotline. Yup, no matter what symptom you have when you call the Ontario Nurses Hotline they refer you to see a doctor or go directly to an emergency room. ANYTHING, as long as you agree to not ’cause them to be liable for anything. Not sure if they’d want to see you RIGHT AWAY though if there was a lot of farting involved.
November 2nd, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Whatever you do, don’t EVER put your hands on the Mayo Clinic Family Health Book. It has created a monster in this household.
November 2nd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I hope it’s nothing serious, nothing a good ‘ol fart can’t cure.
But seriously – I really do hope it’s ok. It is no fun to hurt there, and I get it, I do. Every month I get an ovarian cyst, so at least the pain goes from left to right and back again but doooooooode, sometimes it hurts to even walk up the stairs!
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Oh, I do this all the time! I like you more and more.
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:25 pm
he he he
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:26 pm
shine on!
November 3rd, 2008 at 10:13 am
I do the same thing…
Are you OK????
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:06 pm
what? no yeast infection?
November 7th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
I am banned from WebMD forever. My husband literally did something to my computer and I can’t access that site anymore. I don’t know what he did, but I’m kind of glad he did it. I think we’re both relieved.
November 8th, 2008 at 8:12 am
Don’t forget about ebola. I hear that’s rampant these days.
I work for a company that does medical websites and use WebMD as a source of amusement quite often. Not that the information in necessarily bad, but it IS amusing that people end up finding themselves victims of a rare genetic disease that really only affects pygmies from a single island in the remote Pacific. ” Yes, yes it really did jump to you, whose family never strayed from Iceland until 50 years ago – you have it pegged.”