The least sexy post about sex, ever.
He didn’t care about me and I was ok with that. I knew what I was getting into, I knew my purpose.
I knew I was being used, I knew I was using.
I knew where I’d been, when I’d let my heart get wrapped up in sex. When I thought it meant some kind of contract. I knew that I was trying to regain and recapture the innocence I’d lost at 17. I wanted sex to mean something.
Then I gave up. Sex was tears and pain and heartache and exposure. It had never yeilded me my desired results. There was never connection, rather something just a little more intimate than sharing a cab. He wasn’t in it to change any of that for me and I certainly didn’t expect him to.
My hope was to divorce my head from my body, for just one night. Just to have fun. Just to make sex, sex. A romp. Even with that intent, it didn’t work.
He ran his nose down my neck to my collarbone and then across until his face was pressed into the hollow of my neck. I could feel my pulse racing and my head kicked in.
He could like me, couldn’t he?
This doesn’t have to be a one time thing.
I mean, maybe we could go out for dinner sometime….
He stopped when I closed my eyes and said “Stop thinking, this isn’t math.” It was a warning, stop thinking, there is nothing complicated about this. There is nothing to think about this, it doesn’t mean anything. It was awful.
He did all the right things, and I did the right things in return. But I never quite got past being a warm place to land. Sex didn’t have to mean anything, but I desperately needed to mean something, to someone. I desperately needed to mean something to me.
I wouldn’t even kiss another man, until I met The Boy. Every touch, every glance, took on meaning, took on weight. Painless. For the first time ever, there was no anvil on my heart. There was no knife in my side. There was just the beginning of love, the beginning of knowing what it felt to be cherished.
How it is supposed to be.
November 7th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I don’t know. Cherished and meaningful sex is pretty damn hot.
November 7th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
this is lovely flutter, it speaks to a part of me that i don’t often acknowledge. xo
November 7th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Sex just for the sake of sex. I’ve been there and have felt the same mix of emotions. Not fun.
November 7th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
whew…brought back memories of a ‘serviceman’ of myne own…*heavy sigh*
November 7th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Maybe it didn’t mean anything before so that when you got to that point and realized how much it meant with the boy – it would be even more special.
November 7th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
so glad you found the Boy, and the love you deserve, and the joy sex should bring.
November 7th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
I’ve said this before here. You two are blessed to have found each other.
November 7th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
There’s nothing quite like having the love while your making the love…good grief. I sound like a 70′s porn star.
November 7th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
It warms my heart to know that you found it. Finally.
November 7th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Aw, how sweet it is. Even sweeter, I think, when the meaningless sex is there as comparison.
November 7th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
You deserve to be cherished and to feel safe in that love. It is a very good thing.
XXXXXXX
November 7th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
The Boy is a good person for you. I’m glad.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
look at us. both abused, both had sex used as a weapon against us. i took it upon myself to take the meaning out of sex for, oh, pretty much all of my adult life. lots of meaningless sex. i preferred it that way.
and then i met my love interest.
and look at us now.
in love with men we have healthy sexual relationships with.
the odds were against us, you know?
and, yet….
look at us now.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
don’t you feel a little sorry for the people who find this post after googling “sexy sex”?
November 8th, 2008 at 12:11 am
I remember that sex. The best kind, the hottest, is with love. Oh YEAH.
But, I felt pain for that girl above. With that glib guy. So glad she found a boy. And a good one!
November 8th, 2008 at 5:49 am
that last bit is exactly how I felt when I met my fella… I felt it click and I knew it meant something… to both of us… before that I had let people have me because *they* liked *me*…. such a bad way to live but I felt so worthless… love ya x
November 8th, 2008 at 6:18 am
now I’m all horny. did I just say that out loud?
November 8th, 2008 at 8:00 am
This is a great discussion about validation and about how sex can sort of bolster or undermine feelings of self worth depending on the context. I love how you describe two markedly different experiences of the same carnal act, the singular difference being attachment and security and trust versus the lack of all three. I’m glad you’ve found your groove with someone who offers you that necessary validation.
November 8th, 2008 at 10:06 am
i love that boy and am so glad you found him.
November 8th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
We can only recognize the latter after experiencing the former, sweet flutter.
November 8th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
The boy is special – so glad you found each other.
November 8th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Again I read a post hear and start to hold my breathe a bit because I feel like someone stole a page from my diary…. Damn you are good.
November 9th, 2008 at 5:34 am
Great piece. Thanks for sharing.
November 9th, 2008 at 6:47 am
LMFAO @ vodkamom. I was thinking the same thing.
Flutter? I fucking love you.
November 9th, 2008 at 8:14 am
I have been there. Oh God, have I been there. That is why I am now married to the man I married. The one who stuck around longer than a one-night stand. The one who made it past the 3 month mark that defined all of my previous “relationships.”
The reason I am now writing this other blog: http://www.adivorcestory.wordpress.com
Love your writing style!!
November 9th, 2008 at 10:10 am
exactly what qt said.
November 9th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Being cherished, that’s what its all about. That and mind blowing orgasms, but mostly the cherished thing. LOL.
November 9th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Ahh you take my breath away. Rememberance and hope all in one post…damn.
November 9th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Thank god you two have each other–and I just know you’ve opened up worlds for him as well.
November 9th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
It’s all about respect, I think. If there’s respect, well then the fun can follow. If there’s no respect, then it’s all games but no winner. At least, there never was a winner in me.
(Hey, do you have an East Indian twin sister? I mean, I KNOW that’s not really possible but the woman who brought our vindaloo Saturday night could have been you. I imagine you move the way she does. It was definitely your smile. Weird, huh Flutter? You there watching me on my once a year date with my husband. You nosy blogmeister, you.)
November 9th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
I’m soo incredibly glad( that word falls horribly short) that you have found your love. I’m still looking. I’ts a disgusting process. And for the record, i don’t think there is a woman out there that can really compartmentalize sex and emotion. I think that’s just the way we’re built. For better or worse, I can’t say.
November 9th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
i hope for you that the boy is it… because you seem so great for each other and I hope that that never ends
November 10th, 2008 at 8:07 am
I’m glad you found The Boy.
November 10th, 2008 at 8:13 am
I’m going to say it again – I love that Boy!
November 10th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Actually, I thought it was quite sexy.
November 10th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
I’m so glad you found the Boy.
November 10th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
What a beautiful love story you have with The Boy.
November 11th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I’m so glad that it is the way it is supposed to be for both of you.
November 11th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Your post was one of the best that I have read in awhile. It inspired me to write my similiar situation, but as you already read, you already know. There is so much of you I see in common with so much of me.
I am so happy for you, your boy, these magic of being found, together.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Sigh.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Where and how did you meet The Boy?
You may have blogged about this before I became a fan, of course, but if not…hey: a blog post!
November 12th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
I’m just SO happy you have The Boy. He is a VERY lucky man.
November 12th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Beautifully rendered! Your writing slays me (in a good way)!
November 12th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
You two are blessed to have found each other. I am really happy for you, Flutter and also for The Boy.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Dude, this took me back. So happy you have The Boy.
November 14th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
that is the way it is supposed to be.
November 16th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Congratulations on finding ‘The One’, most people never find the person of thier dreams.