Helicopters make him cry
My father, the impossible one. The cruel one, who destroyed my mother’s life. Who gambled away his family, his job, his marriage. My father, with the sharp tongue and the quick jab to the heart. The one we were afraid of, the one who had anger as his only emotion.
He was in Vietnam.
He spoke of it, never. The only memory he shared was the noise of the helicopters, whirring and flying overhead. How they came to scoop up the dead, how they came to transport the wounded. They made the soundtrack of his dreams for years. For his nightmares, I could relate. To never have a peaceful and uninterrupted sleep, I am my father’s daughter. Our wars are different. The net effect is the same.
For him, the helicopters torture him. When they would pass over our house, he would wander, restlessly. He would smoke a cigarette on the back patio and stare up into the sky, watching them float past like noisy june bugs, silent tears streaming down his face. He would hum loudly when he could hear them outside, as if trying to sing them free from his head. Those helicopters full of dead friends, wounded comrades, all from this foreign land. A foreign land he fell back into, every time a helicopter flew above our house in the city.
He fought that war for little girls like me. I can honor him his sacrifices, knowing his struggle.
Thank you, Dad. For your service, thank you for being honorable when it took a toll. For reminding me, in a most acute way, that freedom is not free.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
That was beautiful.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Oh…Christine.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
yes. thank you.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:38 am
It sounds like you are beginning to make peace with your dad in some small way. Good for you Flutter. And thank your Dad for me.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:40 am
i don’t even know what to say, except hauntingly, achingly, beautifully written. xo
November 11th, 2008 at 4:46 am
What a poignant tribute to your dad and a day too many of us forget.
November 11th, 2008 at 5:34 am
God bless him. {{{{and you}}}}
November 11th, 2008 at 5:50 am
That was lovely. Even though he’s not been the best dad, he deserves to be honored today.
November 11th, 2008 at 5:51 am
wow. That was a great tribute, and I have to salute YOU and how you recognize what different kinds of pain can do to a person. When the day is done, he is still your father.
November 11th, 2008 at 5:59 am
So nicely done, flutter. I don’t think there is a vet without scars of some kind. The emotional and mental are easier to hide at first. But they are definitely there.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:02 am
Thank you for sharing this perspective/retrospective. Beautiful.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:16 am
That was a beautiful tribute; both to your father, and to the other men and women who have served this country. Vientam was a terrible war ( is there any other kind of war?), I lost an Uncle to that war, to a suicide thirty years later, it’s him I’m thinking of today as well.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:21 am
i thank you for this. i thank him.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:37 am
Your words have the power to change my world.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:44 am
Thanks for paying tribute here, reminding us that this is not just another No School day but rather a national holiday – for a damn good reason. And thanks to your Dad.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:51 am
{flutter}
war sucks.
November 11th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Thank you to all the Veterans. Freedom comes at a cost, one that you–and countless others–have paid! This post is a good reminder of that.
November 11th, 2008 at 7:47 am
Beautiful post Flutter. It reminds me of my friend, also a war veteran of Viet Nam, also made very uncomfortable by the sight and sounds of helicopters. Love to you.
November 11th, 2008 at 8:16 am
Thank you for reminding us of the huge sacrifices made by our vets.
Beautiful post.
November 11th, 2008 at 8:16 am
Moving and powerful post. Reminds me how unbearable human existance can be after such trauma. Something you both have in common, yet you have a beautiful inner spirit that seeks healing. Believe that it will come, I do. (((((HUGS))))
November 11th, 2008 at 8:30 am
nice tribute, i need to go see my grandfather at the VA home in Philly, the former master sergeant of WWII and Korea enjoys pinching nurse ass these days mostly
November 11th, 2008 at 8:46 am
Beautiful post, Flutter.
November 11th, 2008 at 9:24 am
I thank him for his service and for all of those who have served including my Man a Sgt Maj in the Marines….
November 11th, 2008 at 9:42 am
you know…i think about the aftermath of being in a war and can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. and the history…WWII seemed to be much less “heard”. men went away, they came home, they were celebrated and you don’t really hear much about the psychological effects of what they saw, experienced, felt. vietnam seemed much more gritty, dirty, real, less tied in a pretty bow. collectively we acknowledged how much a human being is negatively affected by war while at the same time ignoring the fact that we had no way to help a person ravaged by the effects of war.
how do you help someone fight their demons? the demons that don’t go away?
i hear stories about veterans home from war in iraq who are unable to function. one boy (still in his early 20s) kills his girlfriend in a fit of rage. another young man is addicted to heroin because he can’t make the images fade. addiction, unemployment, psychotic breaks.
i think of your father and appreciate how you can see him through those eyes. it doesn’t excuse his behavior. but sometimes an explanation helps understand why a person lives with so much hardness.
sorry…long comment.
November 11th, 2008 at 9:51 am
thank you, Christine’s dad.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:02 am
An apt tribute for today – what the cost of freedom meant to your father’s life and to yours. So many of those Vietnam veterans never got the treatment for their PTSD that they so desperately needed – not like I need to tell you that. You’ve paid the price right alongside of him. Does it help you in your struggle with him, to know that some of the demons weren’t his doing?
November 11th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Oh. Wow. I’d like to thank your Dad too. My Uncle went MIA in Vietnam and to this very day his entire family is split over it.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Thank you to your dad and mine (Korean War). What a lovely tribute.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Thank you all Veterans for the price you paid…and the price many of your families also paid.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Thank you for sharing that. Thank you for being able to look beyond the hurt your Dad caused in your life to the pain he carries in his own. God bless both of you.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
My dad was in Vietnam as well and was shot down from his helicopter three times. He too is afraid of helicopters and the noise they make. But I’ve never really thought about him on this day and I should have. Thank you for reminding me of that.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I never really thought about it until I read this, but my dad did two tours in Vietnam too, and he has NEVER spoken about it. Makes me wonder what demons he’s been keeping inside all these years.
November 11th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Beautiful, Christine, and this made me see your dad with new eyes.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Oh, you got me all teary.
Freedom never is free. It hurts my hurt to think about it.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I meant heart. See? Teary and not thinking straight.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
::woof::
Man.
Beautifully done.
November 11th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Gorgeous.
Thank you.
November 11th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Thank you to all who gave and continue to give so selflessly for our freedom.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Amazing.
Thank you for that poignant reminder of the sacrifice our loved ones make.
November 11th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
This was a crazy beautiful post. Especially having had a glimpse of your feelings towards your day. How much more poignant that makes this.
November 11th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
I do not understand war, never have. But, I do hold up the sacrifice of those that have waged it for the freedoms of our country, and I awe.
Beautiful in that it rings both true and sad.
November 11th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
thank you to your father and every soldier who has served….
November 11th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I feel like everything worth saying has already been said.
Peace friend, and a lovely tribute.
November 11th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Bravery. Beauty.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
But those are the other horrors of war. Coming back and knowing what you are capable being and knowing.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:10 am
I’ve always been so confused by humanities justifications for war; for placing young men in harm’s way with mass weapons to serve and protect. The losses and trauma trickle down and poison the well. This is a beautiful tribute to a man you’ve such mixed feelings about, I imagine it was difficult to write; so much love, anger and respect. Love Flutterfly, I’ve bunches for you!
November 12th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Wars leave scars, even on the unwounded, scars that echo through the generations.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:17 am
yes, thank you. it is an ENORMOUS sacrifice.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:24 am
this post.
wow.
sometimes it’s hard to acknowledge the strength they have when we’re so focused on their weaknesses. good on you, flutter.
xo
November 12th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
You made my heart swoop with this.
Getting a larger context of your life is gratifying for me, the reader. I never before thought about your father and who he might have been to you. What a perfect Veterans’ Day post.
November 12th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Beautiful post …. makes us all stop, remember and give thanks.
November 12th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
flutter – this is amazing.
November 12th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Oh darlin’. That was *just* lovely.
This is the dichotomy that many don’t understand – that we can both love and honor our parents, and yet despise parts of them as well. And all of that is okay.
November 12th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
My uncle went to Vietnam three times…he never talks about it either, and life has been a rough road for him…he who is so quick to smile and laugh.
November 12th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Wow! That was so very poignant! I can’t wait to read your book!
November 12th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Thank you and I thank him. This is such an emotional read.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
wow.
this is one of the things I struggle with on Veterans day… the fact that we like to say “thank you” from our safe little world, but we so readily neglect the real toll that being in the service exacts from our men and women in the military.
November 13th, 2008 at 5:20 am
One twisted web of war, and the aftermath, perhaps even more twisted.
Bravery is all over this though, you and he.
November 13th, 2008 at 10:49 am
My mother could not listen to the sound of marching boots.
November 14th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
This is absolutely perfect. What images, my friend.
November 17th, 2008 at 7:37 am
What a wonderful, wonderful post, made all the more poignant to me because my Dad is a Vietnam vet whose PTSD, drinking, and gambling made our family fall apart. He has just messed up again, severely, but I will always appreciate what he did at the cost of his own well-being.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:39 am
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