30 days without a shrink
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Jan 7 |
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Happy New Year, how come we don’t have an appointment set up? Give me a call when you get a chance. I hope all is well.
Talk soon,
The Shrink
I warned him, when we started. I do this. I say I’ll call and I won’t. I won’t mean to let so much time pass, but then so much time will pass that I feel ashamed to pick up the phone.
Ashamed to say that I had to wait for my paycheck to see him again. Ashamed to say that my dreams have come back full force. Ashamed to say that something he said in our last session hurt my feelings. Ashamed, because it was an innocuous question, meant to gauge our progress. Not to send me into a spiral.
But it did.
Then I got scared. Scared to depend on his counsel as much as I do. But, I do. There have been many times during this month where I have thought, I wonder what The Shrink would think of this? A sense of foreboding would set in, it shouldn’t matter what he thinks, it should matter what you think.
But I don’t trust what I think.
I trust, unfailingly, four people in my life. The Boy, my mother, my sister and The Shrink. Their collective opinion means more to mean than my own. I bounce things off of them without realizing that I do, I wait for things to float or fall on their approval. I distrust my own voice so much that I weigh all of their words more heavily than my own.
But they have never steered me wrong. I fuck myself over all the time.
All the time.
I won’t lie, every endeavor I undertake is an exercise of massive self exertion. I think that little of myself. When an offer is placed on the table, my mind goes into hyperspeed-you-are-a-pile-of-crap talk. Why is this person offering this to me? What is in it for them? There are about a million people more qualified than I am. Yeah, thanks for the compliment, if you only knew what a piece of shit I am. They are just being nice about my writing. They are just being nice about my looks. They are just being nice.
To appear, if I even succeed in doing so, like I am confident in my skills; is overwhelming. So, when I got that email, my immediate thought was Oh, great now he thinks I am a total flake.
Then I read it again. What struck me? I hope all is well. Call me when you get a chance. This isn’t a chastisement, this isn’t someone feigning interest. This is someone interested in my well being and gently reminding me that I should be, too.
I wonder if he knew, by writing that short little note, what a life line he was tossing to me. I wonder if he will ever know.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Since you trust these 4 people so much use them to build yourself up.
Form your own opinion before you ask for their’s and then compare.
There is nothing wrong with listening to others and taking good advice though.
I hope you have a great year Flutter.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
I could have written this myself. Wow, just…this is me to a tee.
Thanks for sharing it.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:41 am
i wonder how many life-lines we cast out and never know… maybe that’s the beauty, maybe
January 15th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Sweetie, I am painfully honest. Ask around the blog-o-sphere. People will tell you I come off as a bitch on wheels because I won’t sugar-coat it. I won’t lie, even to spare someone’s feelings. So, trust me when I say that you ARE talented. You do have worth. I wish you could see yourself from my eyes. You would be amazed.
January 15th, 2009 at 6:38 am
as usual, you are simply incredible. no shit.
January 15th, 2009 at 6:41 am
I would never tell you I love your writing if I didn’t mean it. I’m just not that nice.
Call him, please?
xoxo
January 15th, 2009 at 7:01 am
Everyone said what I was thinking (yet, I still have something to say, wouldn’t you know). You should call him dear one. He DOES care about your welfare, just like I do. Sometimes those questions that make you backpedal are the ones you need to examine in that moment, at that time in your life. If they cause such a reaction in you, it’s obvious the content of the question still has a hold on you.
I found out the hard way of trying to bury my thoughts, feelings, ignore it…never works in a million years. In the end it will find it’s way to the surface and have to be dealt with. No, it’s not easy, and it scares the hell out of you. Yet, your stronger, more courageous than that. How do I know? Because it takes someone like that to write from the heart, to write reality as it is, not as they wish it was. From the heart it’s a beautiful spirit, that has some healing it’s still under going. Your in my thoughts dear one. (Hugs)Indigo
January 15th, 2009 at 7:10 am
I’m shaking my head with you … in awe.
January 15th, 2009 at 7:13 am
I think you are absolutely marvelous – I have had lots of those feelings. Call the man – I’ll bet you’ll be glad you did. xoxoxoxo
January 15th, 2009 at 7:13 am
I hope someday you not only listen but believe those four people you trust so… believe them when they tell you you’re clever, likeable, loveable, and deserve all the good things that life has to offer you.
January 15th, 2009 at 7:27 am
My testimonial for the truth of my statements (“You are beautiful. Your writing is beautiful. You inspire me.”) is a) I don’t lie. Ever. Even to be “nice” – I’d rather say nothing. b) I keep coming back. I don’t post negative comments on the sites I don’t like, I just don’t ever return. For you – I get notified whenever you make a post and … sometimes I stop by just to make sure I’m not missing an update (not trusting technology).
Peace to you, my friend. Call the shrink. You probably needed the respite, but don’t let it go too long. You’re making great progress and I love being allowed to witness it.
January 15th, 2009 at 7:32 am
even if he never does know, he knows.
there is an ebb and flow with therapy for me. i go for awhile and then i don’t. i gather tools each time that makes it easier for me to navigate the world, with my laundry bag of shit that i carry.
January 15th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Here’s what I learned last week in my visit. There are the stories that are true. There are the emotional stories that are attached to them. (I think of the stories as knitted loops knit to gauge. I think of the emotional stories as giant overwhelming ones knit with size 17 needles.) Sometimes I can’t stop knitting with size 17′s but it helps that I can know the difference.
January 15th, 2009 at 7:35 am
You know, I’m just glad you could see his message for what it truly was. I tend to twist things, too, especially when my own strong feelings are involved, and it isn’t always easy to step back and see something for what it is, minus the additional meaning that your feelings have imparted it with.
January 15th, 2009 at 7:59 am
You called him, right?
January 15th, 2009 at 8:10 am
after several false starts in therapy, i found a shrink with whom i really clicked.
then, when we got to the tough stuff, I bailed. i wouldn’t cancel appointments, just stay home with the covers over my head, feeling ashamed of myself. and i would have to pay anyway. but this shrink started to call me – we would do the appointments over the phone, with my head under the covers.
she saved me.
and this was long before the cancer – i think i have dealt with my life since reasonably (and not consistently) well because of her.
just wanted to share – your stories often resonate with me.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:26 am
This reminds me of my relationship with my dentist….at least the I’ll call part does.
A compassionate professional? Whudda thunk it?
January 15th, 2009 at 8:37 am
I am still in the false start stage of therapy, on my third and still not ‘feeling’ safe there.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:51 am
He is concerned, because he knows you, and he cares. It’s obvious to me that he cares, and not just as your shrink. Transference can be a two-way street (and girl, I’ve sat under the appetizer table listening at enough shrink parties to know!).
I do hope you called him, whether you can afford to pay him or not – shrinks understand being broke, just like we do (God, I’m so tired of being broke!!) and I bet he would still want to hear from you.
Sending you a big hug, because it sounds like maybe you need it. I’ve missed you – I think about you even when I’m not online, hoping the world and you are both treading lightly on my dearest Flutter, who is fabulous, even when she is in the Pit of Despair (was that you I bumped into, over by the dank dripping wall, in the dark last night?).
I love you honey, no matter what.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:10 am
When you call him, just let him know everything you just wrote.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I get this. I was in therapy for years, which ended about four years ago. I remember my visit with her being the highlight of my week. And she took such interest in my life that I will always have a soft spot in my heart for her. I miss our talks. Expensive as they were. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with leaning on someone, especially when it’s someone who truly cares.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:58 am
GO. Just go. He doesn’t care that you’re a flake, his fee fees aren’t hurt because you haven’t called, he doesn’t think anything except that he hasn’t seen you.
It’s okay to need him. It really is.
January 15th, 2009 at 11:25 am
We all need a bit of help now and then. Your shrink sounds like a good one to get help from.
January 15th, 2009 at 11:33 am
I’ve blown off our marriage counselor for months, for similar reasons but maybe not as intense. I was having my first-ever panic attacks at our last appointment and was supposed to follow up with an individual appointment so he could help me recognize and deal with them if they happened again.
He goes to the same gym as the husband, and the two ran into each other recently. The husband said, “We owe you a call, I know, we just haven’t had the time or money for a session.”. The dr. says, “It’s not YOU I need to see. It’s Beej.”
Yeah. Don’t think I haven’t been making myself sick over THAT remark.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
he’d not be much of shrink if he didn’t know
January 15th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
if you trust these people so much, these four people, then let them convince you that you don’t need to doubt yourself so much.
You *are* a great writer, a great friend, a true pioneer of determination and grit – in your own life. A brave one. A fighter. A person. Just be. Stop trying to be something – and just be xx
Love.You.
x
January 15th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
((hug you))
And how good it is to have someone show a real concern for you and to have feel real….
January 15th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
He’ll know because you’ll tell him.
And listen here sweetie, i am not nice enough to come over here and read stuff just to be nice.
Nice can bite my gently rounded ass.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
by the way your blog is credited in my new post, a comment made by krista inspired it.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
You will grab it, won’t you?
January 15th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
just a thought here:
you write that you worry about depending on his counsel so much. however, from what i’ve read, it seems to me that his primary objective is to get you to trust yourself, to own your feelings, to engage in your life. wondering what he would think of things happening in your life sounds to me like he’s doing his job. he wants you to succeed. maybe that’s what is really scaring you?
( i wrote that last question in kindness and hope it didn’t come off sounding presumtuous)
January 15th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
whoa. spellcheck.
January 15th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I read that note and I feel his care for you.
It sounds like you have the right four people in your corners, flutter. May it sustain you and pull you forward.
ox
January 15th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
He’ll know if you tell him. Which, I think you should.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Oh Flutter, please grab that rope. And DO share your post with him. I am in awe of your courage, love and hope for your future. You are a sparkle of light & life to me.
Love from The Minx
January 15th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
There is within you a voice you can trust. I know this, I found that voice, in amongst all the the other voices, she was there all along. I just couldn’t hear her.
January 15th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
I suspect he knew exactly what he was doing.
And I know what I’m doing when I tell how amazing and talented you are.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
You should call. As hard as it has been for me, I can tell you, sometimes a helping hand is the answer. He understands and that is a gift. You are worthy of gifts, so take it.
Also, you should know: you are a gift as well. Thank you for checking in with me when I needed a hand.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:05 am
Maybe he is sitting somewhere feeling like he failed you. Maybe it took courage for him to write that note.
I too know the sadness and frustration of standing between myself and all I want.
I love you sister and knowing that you are fighting the battle next to me makes the battle seem less like a figment of my mind.
January 16th, 2009 at 7:03 am
At least you know this about yourself. In knowing, you can do something to correct it. Call him, girl. Sort this out so you can move on. ((HUG))
January 16th, 2009 at 8:27 am
Talking is good, Flutter. Writing is good. You’re amazing, and that’s good. See the forest, not the trees.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:53 am
There is no way I would feel as good about myself today as I do if it wasn’t for my therapist. I have had many in my life and some worked for me and some did not. For me, I need that objective observer, someone whose only vested interest in me is to see me get better. Nothing you are feeling is out of the ordinary, many of us have been there and back.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:01 am
From what you say Flutter, the shrink really cares about you, and wants to see you succeed. I’m not shrink myself, but I wouldn’t pass up such a great opportunity when I see one to improve your life and your well being.
And I hope you read all the comments from your friends, they all had really nice things to say, and they all care about your well being too.
Make that appointment.
And my suggestion would be to write down all of these feelings and thoughts that you are having, and bring them with you to your therapy session. I did that when I was going through therapy and it worked wonders.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:49 am
I have never written a lie to you, Flutter. I think you are beautiful, I love your writing, and I can “see” your soul, and it’s beautiful, as well. Call The Shrink.
Just an observation here: Do you know how AMAZING it is that you have FOUR people in your life that you trust completely?! Four!!!! I sure can’t say that. You are truly blessed, sweet Flutter.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
He cares so much about you. Call him when you feel ready. Breaks are good for therapy sometimes, I think. HUGS to you, sweetness.
January 16th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Hi Sweetie…he sounds like a good man…very caring. I think you should call him…oh, and by the way…your writing…it rocks. xo
January 17th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Hellz yeah. And he probably knows. Knowing him, he probably knows your first thought was “he thinks I’m a total flake. Cuz he’s an omnipotent dick like that. (said with luff.)
Alex is looking at your butterflies and saying “aaaaiiiirrrr p(l)ane!”
January 17th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Hope you can go visit him soon! I know I’ve said it before but I wish I had a shrink like that, lucky girl!
January 17th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Therapy really does suck most of the time, doesn’t it? making it oh so easy to ignore. I’m pretty sure the shrinks know this, knows it’s not flakiness but avoidance.
Not to get all Mom and advice-y on you, but can you set up a payment plan with him, figure out a way to make it affordable? You know he’d help you however you need. He’s proven himself to be that kind of person.
January 17th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
I tend to think that he knew very well that he was tossing a lifeline, he’s just that good. What always strikes me most about your thoughts and feelings on your self-development is the incredible insight that you seem to have; you know yourself and your patterns so well. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but most people just go through life each day without a hint of that self reflective process that you seem to be so in touch with. That in and of itself is a gift, but I also think it must be pretty useful in terms of finding healing and knowing who to reach out to and when. I envy you that.
January 17th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Do you know how many life lines you send out just by writing how you think and feel? So many share your struggles but think they are alone. You let us know we are not! You give us hope! Love you!
January 17th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
You’ll tell him. At your next appointment.
January 17th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
He’s there for you. Go see him. That no money shame sucks. I know it. We’ve got to let it go, because it hurts us more than not having money.
January 18th, 2009 at 8:42 am
I feel the same way…about your support system. Only mix it up with a few names of my own, and it’s…well? My own. I think it’s normal to have people to bounce things off of…or at least more mature. You still have your own free will, and having those voices in your life help to trigger the solutions within yourself. Humans are very social…and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. I think the Shrink is very interested in your well being, he is probably like mine, and no matter what you really think you wanted…if it ultimately would destroy you, neither would support that at all…and this is why it’s OK to see them, and seek counsel with them…whenever you can afford it.
January 18th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
I wonder about him, if he has a gamet of patients that fall over a rainbow chart of I care, to not. I can’t help but believe you are extraordinary to him.
January 18th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Did you call? Call.
Spoken gently, with concern
January 18th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
I hope so flutter. I wish you didn’t feel ashamed.
January 18th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
you will, of course, go back. because I have the teeniest crush on your shrink, and you must write more about him!
January 19th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Of course he knows. Because he’s good that way.
January 20th, 2009 at 11:01 am
The shrink is wonderful, and yes I can tell he knows you are special flutter. You do have a gift that few others on his case load possess I am sure. You are making such progress that I am sure he is overjoyed. There are a lot of people that don’t want to look at themselves, that’s what makes you so special, your self reflection is second to none.
January 20th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
You very obviously matter to him.
I have bolted from many a therapist. but not the one I have now. He is Waaaayyyy to powerful and good for me.
I hope you find your way back to see him again.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:16 am
Call, he loves you and is worried. It’s not bullshit, he’s concerned.