A bewildering and intriguing tale
My underwear is too small.
Not ALL of my underwear, just one particular pair. I don’t really understand how this happened, since I was comprised of more, um, girth when I purchased them than I am now. But too small, they are. Oh yes.
When leaning over in a session today, I felt the right side of the silky red material start to creep toward my asscrack in an upward and inward motion. It only stopped when it reached maximum wedge capacity. It’s a perfect storm, that. being unable to stealthily unheft a killer wedge. Feeling previously comfortable and pretty fabric, begin to saw you in half at the ass.
You start to think about your life. You start to wonder if THIS is the way you’re going to go. That my new coworkers would find me in a twisted heap at the foot of my massage table. Coronary by panties.
You start to regret things. Your choices, your religious beliefs, your breakfast. You regret not telling everyone you love that you love them. YOU REGRET PUTTING ON THAT PAIR OF FUCKING UNDERWEAR! That one cheap pair of underwear that has somehow managed to escape many undie-drawer prunings. The undies that get worn when the laundry pile outweighs the clean things in your closet.
I began to question my sanity in buying the damned things to begin with. I mean, really. Red, high cut, completely unnatural fabric. What exactly about that sounded comfortable? What, exactly made those a good choice in which to do massage? This is the perfect example of my questionable decision making prowess.
My ass and I are very disappointed in me.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
My condolences. Throw them out right away, you were lucky to survive.
Thank you, btw. Thank you thank you thank you, my dear. Something will be fluttering back your way soon. xoxo
February 4th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
It’s like every other bad relationship. You are left wondering “Why didn’t I get rid of them sooner, before they could hurt me again?”
February 4th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
a bewildeing and intriguing tail?
February 5th, 2009 at 2:36 am
My god, you’re funny.
February 5th, 2009 at 6:04 am
(giggle) You start to regret things. Your choices, your religious beliefs, your breakfast.
LOL.
February 5th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Men are supposed to experience the panty coronary, not women. So I guess the world has tilted off its axis yet again….Burn them. It is cathartic and it will serve as a warning to potentially rogue panties gathering in the drawer.
February 5th, 2009 at 6:30 am
i have a hard time finding panties that stay where they are supposed to stay AND still look remotely cute, without fitting under my armpits. when i do find a style, i buy in bulk. really.
because there’s nothing i hate more than ill-fitting smalls. i think if you find yourself in this position again, you go commando. xo
February 5th, 2009 at 7:12 am
I fucking hate it when my underwear mutiny on me.
fuckem.
throw them out.
gawd you made me laugh today.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Oh jesus, that was hilarious!!!!
February 5th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Gawd, asses can be so preachy!
That was hysterical. I have a bunch of thongs that I will bring to your underwear burning party. I’m officially petitioning to have them renamed “UTI Conduit.” Or something.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I have found that since starting working out with regularity that my ass, instead of getting smaller, is actually repositioning itself. sigh. It makes wearing my usual panties sort of a daily adventure…
February 5th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Heehee! Hey when in wedgie my friend, be not embarrassed! Pull that sucker out unapolegetically. They may have shrank, mine always do which is why anyone walking into my house will see panties hanging on hangers in every door way because I loathe shrinkage. Again though, next time that happens, reach back and pull my dear. Say loudly too,”Damn these panties are uncomfortable.” I have no shame when it comes to my comfort and neither should any of us. Guys grab themselves and adjust all the time and no one ever says anything so I don’t see why we women should have to be so damn modest all the time. :0)
February 5th, 2009 at 10:38 am
you are seriously starting to rock my world!!!!!
February 5th, 2009 at 11:18 am
“Maximum wedge capacity.” Heh. You are a funny woman.
I’m glad that 2009 shows signs of being the year of your ass, as well.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:25 am
and this is why twitter cannot replace blogging!
February 5th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
oooh boy. this sounds familiar….
February 5th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Your underwear has a lot more say on the state of your life than mine does. Maybe commando is a good option, some days?
February 5th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
My ass hates me too. BASSTARDS! I say we fire the asses.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Sometimes I wonder what’s worse – underwear that creeps up, or underwear that falls down.
I have a pair of jeans that always makes my underwear fall down. I hate that – walking through the train station wanting to pull up my underwear…
February 5th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I hate to say it but I think you missed Vicky’s semiannual sale.
I’m disappointed that I did, too, because I’m having similar undewear issues.
Mine because I have more girth now than I did when I purchased them…
Ugh.
February 5th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Fucking brilliant! Ha!
February 5th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
That was really funny! What an allegory! LOL
~*
February 5th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
I really don’t know what to comment here, other than to say, I am glad that you survived your brush with death.
February 5th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Too funny.
February 5th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
I think it’s red panties in general. Every pair I get turns out to be butt floss. And the Unit insists we wear red scanties whenever we fly, in case the plane goes down. He figures they’ll be able to identify us by our drawers. *shakes head* Needless to say, I am always on the lookout for red knickers, but I’ve yet to find the perfect pair.
February 5th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
i never understand why i don’t throw out the underwear that doesn’t fit me well. but i just keep it in that drawer.
February 5th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Maximum wedge capacity…it always hits at the most inopportune time!
February 6th, 2009 at 3:39 am
Just pull that thing out and keep right on going!
That’s what I do “Keep right on going!”
Can’t let a little wedgie keep us from reaching our full potential now can we.
February 6th, 2009 at 3:51 am
Are you walking straight yet?
February 6th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Comando. That happened to me once, not while giving a massage obviously, but I threw them out and went comando th rest of the day. Talk about liberating!
February 6th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Hilarious! I can totally understand, I myself had a pair that tortured me also. I don’t know why I held on to it so long. I ended throwing that pair out.
February 6th, 2009 at 9:39 am
snort.
February 6th, 2009 at 10:20 am
We all have that pair. Why? I don’t know. But I ditched some recently because life is too short to go fishing all day long.
February 6th, 2009 at 10:59 am
“Coronary by panties.”
(wiping away tears)
February 6th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Ditch those underwear! You SHOW THEM who’s boss!
February 6th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
“Coronary by Panties” – that is exactly what it should be called! I have three pairs of these lovely microfiber “drawers” that have begun to “fail” me. It can’t be that I’m up to my fighting weight, it must be their fault. No, seriously.
I love you for knowing exactly how I feel about those goddamn underwear – kill them now! Don’t wait for them to resurface the day before laundry day again – kill. them. now.
February 6th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I’m glad you brought this up. Your ass contacted me this morning to discuss this matter.
The biggest peeve seems less about attire and more about your projection (saying it is disappointed). Your ass fully stated, “Sawed or not, in this I’ll have no part.”
Or was that, your full ass statement…
Either way, as usual, “hey, nice ass”.
February 6th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
death by wedgy? Had never even considered it – now that’s one more damned thing to worry about!
February 6th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
flippin wedgies will be the death of you and me both
February 7th, 2009 at 12:47 am
Just this morning, after I walked the dogs, I marched upstairs, took off my pants, and threw those stupid thong underwear things I was wearing into the trash. Life is too short to wear uncomfortable underwear.
But then again, I swore that I would no longer wear granny panties, and I have stood by that.
Thing is, today, as I counted the Hankie Pankies that are actually sexy and don’t hurt, drying on the pole above my bathtub, I realized that I’m in debt for no other reason than to be comfy and feel sexy at the same time. I suppose it is worth it, but then again, for the money, I figure, one could say good bye to undies altogether and feel pretty much the same. Just don’t get into some sort of accident and get taken to the hospital and have to explain why you have gone commando.
February 8th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Am laughing my ass off, and am thereby quit comfortable. Thanks for that!
(GOD, does everyone else on the face of the earth wear red silkies and me, the only one supporting the granny industry?)
February 8th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Coronary by panties, indeed. Why do we do this to ourselves??
February 9th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
at first I read that as you were previously more girl.
which I like better than your description.
those undies like you too. they just wanted to be closer to you.
now throw them out. they’ve overstepped.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Mwuahahahahhah!!! OMG, that made me laugh so hard. F’n red panties, what is the deal, do they EVER fit?
Thanks for sharing. . . .
February 28th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
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May 13th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I realise this was months ago. but. rofl.
I fall victim to this too. And I also have no idea how my older panties can still fit while some newer ones are too small. Makes no sense.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I choose to wear panties that make me feel sexy. I don’t think I own a pair that DON’T creep up my butt. It drives my DH wild… which makes it worth it
)