Pierce the surface
The sun in this state is inescapable. Night even hints at the impending return of its solar sister. The sun slides over the errant clouds, melting them like marshmallows in hot liquid.
Everything here is a varying shade of death. The anemic green of a plant clinging to its last day, the brown of things never given a chance to grow. The dusty purples of cactus flowers. Some days I am at a loss for words to describe the beauty. Other days I wish for nothing more than the ability to watch these colors fade into the dust of my back window as The Boy and I drive for greener pastures.
I am a fluctuating thing, in all facets. In humor, in stability, in intellect, in weight. My fear is my ever constant, ever strengthening companion. Fear of failure, fear of success. Fear of being seen, fear of not being seen. Fear of being further tortured by a man no longer alive. This state seems to feed my mania.
I am just striving to pierce the surface. I will continue to swim toward the light, and not play stone dead and whither among the weeds.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
To not fluctuate is to be dead.
The rain in this state is inescapable. Sometimes i long for the stability of the dusty brown desert. Sometimes not.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Sounds a lot like where I live. Fortunately autumn and winter rains are on the way.
Beautifully written.
March 20th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Very splendidly portrayed – Keep swimming into the light, please.
March 20th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Hereclitus is my hero.
March 20th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
That’s exactly how I felt about Tucson. That never-ending relentless heat and dryness. Everything shriveled. At the time, I was heavily involved in shamanic studies and my teacher told me that until I could see the beauty in the desert, I wouldn’t be free to leave. That turned out to be true. It seems metaphoric and fits your situation as well.
~*
March 20th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
though you may be well acquainted with fear, the courage that shows through the expression you give to the words seems strong, enough to overcome fear in time, enough to give you the clarity to look at your situation with honesty, enough to move ahead in spite of the drawback of fear. it may seem to be 2 steps forward, one step back in the way you move forward. so nothing is ever simple. but any tough twist of fate can be turned around. it takes perseverance, it takes that and with all the rest of what you’ve got, your gifts(too many to count-but start with beauty)(i am an artist and i know beauty when i see it), your sharp mind and wit, your humor, your brave faceoff with the reality you deal with, your talent, heart and spirit, give an equal nod to those qualities, and fear may lose its grip, finding nothing to hold onto any more. take care.
March 20th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Your writing pierces and dives and charges back to the surface. I’ve no doubt you will get where you want to go.
March 20th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Tony and I were convinced we wanted to live in the west, until we actually went there. I can’t imagine a landscape without deciduous trees.
March is a dismal month everywhere, apparently.
March 20th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
so typically i would say do NOT go towards the light- but in this case, i encourage it.
I feel you getting closer and closer……..
March 20th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
I’ll tell you what, reading this while listening to Patrick Watson after a couple drinks can really do tricks to a girl’s mind. All purple and brown and dying, yet life. Shake it off, Erin. Shake it off, Flutter.
Tomorrow, only green…
March 20th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I long for seasonal changes, even ugly ones. Change good, and bad, reminds me I am alive.
March 20th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
If only it were as easy as deciding, getting in the car and driving.
I have nothing but love to offer flutter. That’s all I got.
March 20th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Somehow what came to mind was visions of the glass art you posted some time ago. Way to fake out the desert.
My world today is eminent spring. Pressure to prune wisely. Nature is happening whether I’m ready or not.
March 20th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Everything will come together, it can only stay brown, and dry, and dismal if we let it.
Spring is almost here! Let the green shine through!
March 20th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
“I am a fluctuating thing, in all facets. In humor, in stability, in intellect, in weight. My fear is my ever constant, ever strengthening companion. Fear of failure, fear of success. Fear of being seen, fear of not being seen.”
Welcome to my world.
March 20th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
You will get a book deal. This lyrical writing will get noticed. It’s just a matter of time.
March 21st, 2009 at 4:43 am
It is rare these days that I get sidetracked by a blog. I tend to stick to the ones I always read and whenever I click on a new one I am disappointed and don’t go back. But you have captivated me somehow so I will come back.
As for the bookdeal thing – I think it is a pity that blogs are used in that way as a launchpad for a book deal. Blogs are living things – they cannot or should not be captured in a book. But maybe that is not what you mean – using a blog as a way for people to notice fine writing skills is different.
I would NEVER let anyone publish any of my blog in book form. Not that they ever would. Blogging is what it is about for me – and it is wonderful.
But good luck with being discovered if that is what you wish for. Wouldn’t it destroy the beauty of blogging though?
March 21st, 2009 at 8:33 am
You are a wonder my friend, made to bloom and grow.
March 21st, 2009 at 11:03 am
So beautiful.
March 21st, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Beautiful. I think I get every word of it. Every word.
March 21st, 2009 at 2:54 pm
I could tell you that you would never hurt again. But, it would be a lie. You can’t protect yourself fully. And, the world is a dangerous place. Your past is a sharp thing. But, you have to decide if you want to live fully again. Only you can do that. Hopefully someday that past will soften enough where you will allow yourself freedom to truly bloom
March 21st, 2009 at 5:51 pm
You do live in an incredible state out there! When I was through there the one time, it was in early to mid May, and many of the cactus had flowers, and it wasn’t so hot yet. Believe it or not, I loved the ‘desolation’ that I saw in much of the area that I visited there. Never made it to Scottsdale or Phoenix, just by the Canyon, going to and from it, from the north. Of course the Canyon is humbling, and beautiful. New Mexico was neat, too! The two nights I was there, slept out under the stars, in a sleeping bag; no tent. No good adjectives to adequately describe it…
I fluctuate, too; don’t we all?
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
March 21st, 2009 at 9:06 pm
courage is something that’s not easy to find, yet when its found, there is no turning back on it…
March 21st, 2009 at 10:42 pm
I had a little moment here of going, “Oh, I don’t think of Flutter as living in the parched Southwest. It doesn’t feel like her.”
You are, in my head, a citizen of a more lush, forgiving state.
March 22nd, 2009 at 8:58 am
Spring has sprung and I’m grateful you don’t write like a lawn mower. OMG, I’m still laughing about the grassy smell.
March 22nd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I can feel the sun from here.
March 22nd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
i understand this too well. i’m trying so hard. trying along with you.
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:46 pm
I’ve missed you…this was beautiful!
March 22nd, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I see courage in your dry and muted desert colors. And you.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:20 am
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming . . .
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:42 am
You’ll get there, I know it.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
if you look to your right you might notice me sweating and sneezing through the dust and towards the light right next to you.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I hear Colorado has greener pastures.
Just sayin…
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:05 pm
GOR-GEOUS.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:25 pm
If I had another daughter I would have named her Ophelia.
Just to take back the name from its water.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Have you seen Wall-E? I’m not be facetious here, I hope, but this reminds me very much of his landscape.
March 24th, 2009 at 4:31 am
sometimes i think that your part of the us would be amazingly beautiful and other times it just sounds scathingly hot and scary.
but your presence there would out shine, be more colorful hen those cactus flowers. a rose int he dessert for sure.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
You should pack up and come to TN. Everything’s turning a gorgeous green right now. It’ll do wonders for your mood, but not a damn thing for fat thighs.
I fluctuate, too. Enjoy the rhythm of the waves, my friend.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:57 am
You’re not afraid to be this fluctuating thing and in doing so, you float in your true beauty.
There’s something very relaxing about the undulating rhythm of the waves.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:16 am
beautiful.