Therapy notes: I don’t think you get to say that
So this thing with your dad that you are thinking of doing….can I ask why?
“Because I think that having him live near me would be best. He can get better care, get to doctor appointments, art classes you know, all that jazz. There will be someone to look in on him every day in case he needs help. It would help my brother, my mom wouldn’t feel obligated and he would be cared for..”
He interrupted me with a look that he reserves for when he thinks I may be bullshitting. Or if not directly bullshitting then perhaps unconsciously not telling myself the truth. Building a case on a foundation of cotton. It’s a soft and fluffy place, it feels good….but it’s not very strong.
What I mean is, what are you hoping to redeem yourself from by doing this?
“Redemption? I, uh. Huh. I don’t really know how to answer that. To be truthful, I just. I don’t know how to answer that.”
He smiled a quick, stabby kind of smile.
I don’t think you get to say that.
“I’m sorry?”
‘I don’t know how to answer that’. This isn’t a pleasant conversation over coffee, it’s therapy. You don’t get to say that.
“You really did just play the therapy card with me!”
Yep, answer the question.
“I don’t want to.”
You don’t get to say that, either.
“Fuck!”
He smiled again, genuine but stared me in the eye. I wasn’t going to charm anyone off track. Hell.
I have to think about this. The motivation. The motivation is as important as the act. If to no one else, but to me. Why am I considering moving him closer to me? To, in effect be a caretaker to a man who was never a caretaker to me? Why am I considering taking the sword from my brother? Why am I refusing to let my mom to care for him?
I think I have come up with an answer that feels right. Something that makes sense to me.
Our families are not always perfect. Our families are not always functional. Our families are not always families. I believe, regardless of blood and circumstance that we are equipped to choose our family once we are adults.
I would choose my mother, in a heartbeat. I would choose my brother and my sister and my niece. I have chosen The Boy. By taking my father on, I am choosing my family. I am redeeming myself for the 17 years of my own lies and obfuscation and not having been the daughter and the sister and the aunt and fiancee that I should have been. I am choosing to show my father the way that you should love.
Maybe I do know. Just maybe.
May 4th, 2009 at 4:17 am
From experience…just be prepared for him not to see what you’re showing him. Or even care about it.
Happy fucking Monday.
May 4th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Seeking redemption is something many of us try to do in one way or another. There is an element of choice here … of course there is … but whenever family is involved there is also expectation. No matter how disfunctional the family is in some ways there will still be members that expect us to conform to predetermined roles … beware of the pull of latent obligation … an obligation born not of choice but of … well … of obligation I guess. Not trying to be obtuse, but I seem to have come full circle … how very usual!
xxJ
May 4th, 2009 at 4:37 am
I like this therapist. I like that he pushes you. I like that saying “I don’t know” is not okay but “fuck” is…
May 4th, 2009 at 4:55 am
Yes, I understand your reason. I have felt that reason in myself. I think it is a right reason. I just don’t want anything to pull you under.
May 4th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Okay, I think that is amazing of you. But, what if you don’t have anything to prove. And, what if he never sees it. I do not want him to deplete you when you are just learning to fill yourself. Just promise me you will not forget that you deserve. YOU. Just you. Be good to you. I hope this gives you what you need. I’m here, sweetie.
May 4th, 2009 at 5:18 am
This is one of those situations that no matter how it looks from the outside and no matter what anyone says, this decision should be all about you. You can’t base your decision on what anyone else will or *might* say/think about it. Especially him.
Offering up a prayer,
May 4th, 2009 at 5:21 am
I hope he gives you what you’re (maybe?) hoping for, in the end.
But regardless, you are a damn good person for even considering it. A strong, damn fine person.
May 4th, 2009 at 5:34 am
next time, make up something super messed up and then tell him you’re just kidding. if he can play the therapy card, you can play the crazy card.
May 4th, 2009 at 5:39 am
I was looking for the words, and i read de’s comment and those are the words. The reasons that compel us to do things, aren’t always obvious to us.
May 4th, 2009 at 5:44 am
Why am I considering taking the sword from my brother? Why am I refusing to let my mom to care for him?
Why can’t your mom make her own choice? Does you brother want you to take the sword?
May 4th, 2009 at 6:00 am
i had to ask myself the same sort of question lately when it came to my mom and her care. i mean she is alright, really, but is struggling and i am desperate to come to her “rescue.” she has always loved and cared for me, but when someone asked me why i was so determined to go above and beyond to “help” i had to think hard. this isn’t my space, so suffice it to say that it made me think, think hard, about what my true motivations were and what it all meant about our relationship.
*sigh*
its hard, christine. so hard. but no matter what your motivation, your heart is big and i just know that now matter what mixed and complicated feelings are behind the motivation for you to help your dad that it is all in its way wrapped up in love. because your heat, dear flutter, is huge.
May 4th, 2009 at 6:49 am
I think I would fail therapy. I don’t know is kind of my go to answer.
May 4th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Perhaps try it on a temporary basis to see how it affects you. For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing. As long as you let go of any expectations that he will change. At his age, he probably won’t. Still.. there’s something about living our own values, our own ethics, that makes life more authentic.
~*
May 4th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Hmmm. I still can’t get behind this (not that my opinion genuinely matters a whit; but the whole thing doesn’t feel healthy for you…to me). I worry you’re getting him more present in your life so that you have a clearer reason for feeling shit–the cause/effect will be more direct than when it’s just “when I was young, my dad made me feel unloved.” Now you might also get to be a martyr…you will know in your heart that you’re trying, so when he’s a prick, you’ll have a RIGHT to your feelings.
Sorry, honey. As I type this, it doesn’t feel very nice. But me likey YOU.
May 4th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Ooh – so many wise comments here. I agree that you should go into this not expecting anyone, the least of all him, to recognize any of your efforts. Because he won’t. If you are ok with that – which, really, how could you be? – then full steam ahead.
May 4th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Just make sure you’re doing it really for yourself and not hoping for any response from him, which you can’t predict.
May 4th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I agree with Miss Grace. This has to be for you, with no expectations.
May 4th, 2009 at 9:43 am
woman. you rock my world.
May 4th, 2009 at 10:12 am
i get that. i totally get that.
you are amazing. fucking amazing.
May 4th, 2009 at 11:22 am
You are amazing… what a difficult choice. I’m proud of you! I hope it turns out to be as good for you as it is for the rest of your family, somehow.
May 4th, 2009 at 11:53 am
choosing to do until him as you would have him do unto you?
by the way, i’ve cast you in a little play over at my place.
May 4th, 2009 at 11:58 am
You do know.
May 4th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I get this. I choose members of my family daily. It doesn’t mean everything that has or hasn’t been done is wiped out. It’s complicated, but I love my family.
I don’t know your history with your dad, but I’m sure this isn’t a decision you’ve made lightly. Take care of yourself and trust your heart ’cause it’s a good one.
May 4th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
honey, this sounds huge and scary. you take care of yourself through this. you know what you can handle and what you can do…. i’m sure you did not come to this decision lightly…
May 4th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
That’s one helluva realization. It’s one helluva burden, too. Are you sure?
May 4th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
When the motivation behind an act is clear, peace sets in.
*hugs*
May 5th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Wow.
I get this motivation, I do. But I also agree with the (very smart) commenters who say to protect yourself, as much as possible. Expect nothing in return.
And I’m sorry. It’s hard to tell someone to go ahead and be exceedingly compassionate but hell, you could still be in for hurt. And that blows.
May 5th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Wait. So you don’t get to not answer questions in therapy? The hell.
May 5th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Do you think also, that maybe he might redeem himself? Just an afterthought….
May 5th, 2009 at 11:34 am
I hope he sees what you are doing and it inspires him to do some redeeming himself. Sometimes our answers don’t always make sense even when we try to really look into ourselves. But damn girl…. You always amaze me.
May 5th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
i doubt he’ll get that message, though. from what you’ve said about him…
May 5th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Reaching out is not always the easiest or most popular thing a person can do. But, it is in most cases, the brave thing to do, and the right thing to do. At least, that’s my opinion.
Good for you, C., regardless of how this plays out all around. My respect for you continues to increase, and my thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family.
May 6th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Or maybe you are such a caretaker you can’t help yourself. Maybe we all want to be loved, especially by those who withhold.
May 6th, 2009 at 6:35 am
oh, c. you KNOW i’ve been there. the problem is — we do all the work, and for what? at the end of the day we’re left with this — we are “good” people.
make sure that’s enough for you.
May 6th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
But damn, that therapy is HARD WORK! You must be completely exhausted at the end of each session.
May 6th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
I worry about you, about this. And what Jocelyn said set off something in my brain, or my gut. Both.
Don’t let this new set of responsibilities become something that’s an obstacle to you reaching goals that are important (vital) to you and to what you are meant to do with your life. Only you can decide what those things are, but I’d hate to see you lose ground when you’ve climbed so far up the hill. You have nothing to prove, and please take care of yourself through all of this.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:31 am
He doesn’t pull any punches, does he? I think you’re getting your money’s worth.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
What they all said, and… will you really be ok if there is nothing in it for you? No reconciliation, or thanks, or anything that you have (or think you have) rights to? Praying for you, dear one, as you decide.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
And maybe you are choosing to show him that you can love in the way he never could. That you are the better person. And maybe you just are the better person. But I am afraid you will be throwing your love into a big black hole. It makes me sad to think of.
But I get the “choosing” our family thing. I have done that with people in my life. Choosing to claim them the way they are, and not the way I always wanted them to be.
May 8th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I understand your reasoning. I tried to help my father for all the same reasons…it just never worked out for me. No matter how hard I tried to be the better person. In fact it almost buried me…My father and I were both Alcoholics. I was trying to save him, I wasn’t important to the equation – he was. Now? I’m sober and we can’t talk, haven’t in years because he isn’t and prefers to drown. Sometimes you have to save you…
I really truly do hope with all I am he gets it. You deserve at least that much dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo
May 8th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
fuck. i hate when people (therapists) don’t let my mad charm skills charm them off topic.
taking care of someone else because you choose to is such a personal thing. i mean, even if it sucks, you can still manage to figure out positve things about yourself. plus, sometimes the bonus is you get to feel bitter and yet, virtuous at the same time. kinda like catholics.
take for example my 19 year old, crotchety, foul breathed, louder than death metal, hairball shedding, skanky, black cat. i made the decision to take care of him 19 years ago and find myself in that bitter category tonight, even as i write this, because all he wants is for my head to explode, or else why does he meow non stop like that? nope, he’s definitely a head explosion seeker. BUT. he is still alive because of me. therefore, virtue.
only you can decide if that trade off will be enough. i wish you luck and am so excited i stumbled upon you, flutter. i think you just might be awesome.
May 10th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
I hear what you are saying. Part of me agrees with you. And part of me worries that you are taking care of everyone else- your mom by helping her not have to help your dad, your dad by taking care of him- and I am afraid that you will put yourself last.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:42 am
I don’t remember crying much in my life until I had to start taking care of my father. He would give guilt trips on subjects that I knew nothing about and I would feel helpless to offer comfort. He suffers the same affliction as I and I am afraid of becoming what he is now. I did not ask for his situation to happen nor would I wish it on my worse enemy, but I understand it is by his hand it occured. As time has worn on he has done more things without including me and then tells me of his struggle to get it done. I am not suprised that in the past we were not close as I am uncomfortable expressing honest emotions when I so really need to. His condition broke down a wall I had struggle to maintain to proctect me from getting hurt. I am thankful for what he has taught me about myself and what I can become if I am honest with myself. I have not and will ask someone to share him as a burden but will welcome help to make his life easier for himself and his health. I want him to live much longer than he does and see his potential with what he has become. I do less than I use to but not as much as I would expect from myself with him. Passing him off is not a option and I dont want it to feel that way. I want him to have better care and better way of life. I want him to have more freedom than he has here and time to better himself and feel like he is making progress. If having him moved to a different location will do that, then that is what needs to be done. Redemption is asked and deserved but don’t be heartbroken when you don’t get the acknowledgement for your efforts that you want. Redemption is giving to yourself when you have done something special for someone else and asked nothing in return.
sorry for my rambling and to those who read this, Yes I am her brother.
May 17th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
So glad your therapist is on to you; having a therapist who can see through your BS is important
It sucks when you are smarter than the therapist.
May 17th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
P.S. I love what you’re doing for your dad.