Dear Body (the second edition)
Dear glorious, semi-functional, always entertaining Body,
You know that awesome, emergency shitting thing you’ve been doing lately? THAT? Is Awesome. Seriously, we should agree to do more of that. Especially when I am at work, in a session and you decide that it is time to crap. Like, RIGHTNOW, putting me in the unenviable position of having to do the iron-vice buttcheek squeeze to keep from sharting.
I love that.
Which brings me to the equally wretched and almost as disturbing emergency pee, with which you like to afflict me rather frequently. One second? I am fine. The next, I am doing the cross legged, bending at the waist boy-I-am-glad-I-do-my-kegels dance to keep myself from sprouting a leak. Also, completely awesome. Not to mention sexy as hell.
You are doing wonders for my self esteem.
See, the thing is, Body; I know you are capable of beautiful things. I know you are only responding to the directions I’ve given you. I eat my weight in Chik-Fil-A and you get fat. Fair enough. But, I do kind of wish that you and my brain could get on the same page. That way, I can let you be the beautiful machine that I know you are. The one capable of life, capable of joy, capable of health.
So let’s just say that you and I fall in love? I will promise to feed you well, take care of your imbalances and try to heal you? And you? You promise not to shit without warning and make me piss myself?
Sound fair?
Non-shitty totally continent-ally yours,
flutter
May 17th, 2009 at 1:56 am
i missed the first edition! was it more graphic? joker says: mrs flutter, go with the flow. it works for lurchers…
May 17th, 2009 at 3:58 am
Getting our bodies and brains to get in sync is always my goal. I just couldn’t word it as well as you do, you do make me smile because you never fail to get it just right. I’ve learned if I try to hard, it has the opposite effect. Go lightly, like Joker said, go with the flow and keep your eyes, ears, mind and heart open to what comes. You have so much coming your way, so many good things. I really believe this.
May 17th, 2009 at 4:29 am
and selfishly i finish this post and think,
well, at least i’m not alone.
the beautiful flutter and i, smelly and shit-stained against the world.
and the world backs off
when you wear streaks!
May 17th, 2009 at 6:36 am
there … and I thought I was the only one too! I am it seems in rather good company, which whilst comforting in a way does not actually help all that much when that terrible urgency strikes. Ah well, our bodies may conspire against us but there may yet be scope for revenge! xxJ
May 17th, 2009 at 6:38 am
This was hilarious. I mean, clearly your body was in need of a talking to, I hope it changes its ways very soon.
May 17th, 2009 at 8:02 am
i love your body. you have hands like no other. your smile? a mile wide.
i’ve missed you, sugar pop.
May 17th, 2009 at 8:05 am
you have put into words in your absolutely unique and delightful way, one of my pet pee(ve)s.
thank you! ha ha
May 17th, 2009 at 8:21 am
I am trying hard not to laugh… and slightly more thankful for the problem I have with my body (the exact opposite of your problem). Ugh.
May 17th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Oy. Be nice to that body of yours. It likes you, really it does.
May 17th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Dear Flutter’s Body,
Give a kid a break, will ya? You two have been together for so long, and been through some rough shit together, so try and get on the same page, please?
I, and Flutter, greatly appreciate your immediate attention to this matter . . .
Brian
May 17th, 2009 at 9:55 am
You gotta love someone who can take something of discust and word it so eloquently..lol
May 17th, 2009 at 10:24 am
My body is acting up too lately. I’m not sharting, but I am experiencing menstrual pain I’ve never had before and I feel like my face has aged in the last year as much as it did in the 31 years before it.
May 17th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Could be IBS hon. I have it. Or, gallbladder problems. I have/had both. Go see your doctor. It’s embarassing, but there’s no reason to suffer.
May 17th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
The most I can hope for with my body–even when bowels are in control–is an uneasy truce. Because, for suck: I eat 5 celery stalks and gain a pound.
Anyhow, I am reminded this was about you. Hee. The whole shitting without notice made me think of olestra and anal leakage, and so, from the outset, my brain was on a dumb meander.
But what I did remain focused on is how funny you are.
May 17th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I am with you on the emergency poop thing. It inevitably happens when I am out with the dog, leaving me to walk home looking like Charlie Chaplin, trying not to drop a load in my pants.
May 17th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
I blame Taco Bell.
May 17th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Did you read my You Go Girl post this week? Maybe you could sneak the Go-Girl into your sessions for emergencies? JK Check out the post if you missed it; it will make you LAUGH.
May 17th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Christ, this was hilarious. In a depressingly-true-for-me-too way.
May 17th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
that’s not a body i would want to tick off.
May 17th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
And it’s not like your profession allows for much bending over and leg crossing, huh? Ugh, what a work liability. You and I share this stress: having to give our undivided attention for an hour straight. It definately comes with it’s share of crosses, unpredictable body functions being one of them. Hope yours is temporary.
May 18th, 2009 at 7:01 am
Awesome post. Glad to hear a little snarkiness in your tone, babe. Keep it up.
May 18th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Bodies are fun, aren’t they?
NOT.
May 18th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Now THAT shit was funny!
May 18th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
My GI system bites the big one too. So there.
May 18th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
I didn’t realize we had so much in common.
Sister in trying not to shart,
Me
May 18th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
OH…man. Why IS it that THAT happens at the worst times???
May 18th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
i am laughing just a bit too hard at this
shart
he he he he he he he he
now at least I have a word for it. thanks.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:54 am
Oh lordy.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:06 am
Oh, yeah. I’m totally not even speaking to my bladder right now.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Ok this was the laugh I needed today! And…..It’s so damn true! LOL
Be safe…
May 19th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Huh. Guess I missed the first edition, but the second was fantastic. In a non-shitty kind of way.
May 19th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
that’s a fair offer.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
You just described what is like to fly standby at 4 fucking AM in the morning. Seriously.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
It sounds like a perfectly reasonable deal to me. And really, that’s your body’s job, so you’re being very, very accommodating.
May 20th, 2009 at 5:20 am
intimate conversations of adoration – starry eyed with love and teary with request – ah yes.
May 20th, 2009 at 7:21 am
You qwack me up. Thanks for the honest sharing.
May 20th, 2009 at 8:29 am
I almost shit myself reading this. I DID make a fool out of myself by chortling aloud here in my cube.
Also, not to be all saleswoman-y, but have you tried probiotics? I know a good one…
May 20th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I’m going to print this off and read it to my body, whilst on the john. I mean, really – is it too much to ask, that one’s body should pipe down while you’re working?
May 20th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Aw. We is twins!!
But I am trying to shut up that fat bitch on the inside by choking her out with a gym membership.
It’s been an interesting tug of war. I still want to eat a pan full of brownies.
All. That. Fudgie. Goodness….
May 21st, 2009 at 11:40 pm
nicely put, flutterbaby.
when i was younger, i used to have to pry my crap out with a crowbar. now, not so much.
but it was the bleeding that was my worst nemesis. i could have stuck a sheep with a string up my hooha and i still would have felt that warm gush about ten minutes after entering an intense meeting with the big president. that would be the president of an entire music entertainment company. i carried an extra pair of jeans with me everywhere i went. folded up into about the size of an envelope and ready to whip out at the first sign of leakage.
thankfully, i put my uterus in timeout. like forever. and while the doctor was in there disturbing shit, she gave my bladder a little tuck-up. which worked like a miracle for about seven years. but suddenly, pee is knocking at the door again and i just don’t like it at all. damn pee.
May 22nd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I’m with Blog Antagonist. Get thee to a doctor.
May 22nd, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Oh man, I hate to admit that I hear you, but I do. See me standing in front of a bunch of 18 to 20 year old Euro kids trying to explain a phrasal verb afraid to turn my back to them because of said cheek squeeze. Being human is disgusting, but then there are all the lovely things a body does…so, I don’t know – think your funny as shit though (I had to;)
May 28th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
I think I need to write a similar missive to my IBS-D laden intestines. Somehow though, I doubt they’ll listen.
And Oh my God did I sit here and go, “OMG, someone who does the butt-clench and knows what it’s like!!!” I feel like an ass getting all excited over seeing that sentence…yet at the same time, comforted!
May 28th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
You’ve got a strong beauty and a radiant heart. Work it.