come and face the strange
I have spent a lot of time deciding the type of person I would become. What type of person would emerge from the depths of rape. What I could have been, versus the war I was pitted to fight. Seventeen years later, I finally feel as though I am returning from a foreign deployment. Coming home from a place where your worth is decided on the point of a knife.
I have spent as many years escaping the strangle hold of a stranger’s attack, as I had years free from it.
This is a sobering thing.
It is not as flip as it may seem, to just let these things go. To forget unfocused eyes, looking at your innocence with derision and mental illness and violence. To forget how your own blood looks as it begins to thicken on tile, as it begins to settle into grout, as it leaves you. To forget leaving behind a child from a scene so horrific, that you had no choice. To forget feeling so guilty for punishing an unborn for the crimes of its father. Trying to make sense of these truths, trying to make them fit into a world where I can feel safe to proceed into the life I have been blessed with; is nearly impossible to reconcile.
I finally understand, I have finally internalized. It was not my fault. But this makes the recovery process all the more frustrating and nonsensical. How do I understand a world where something like this happens to a seventeen year old girl? How do I let it all go, when I still don’t know why it happened?
How do I make impersonal, something so intensely personal?
I am beginning to miss the girl I was, the one with the quick smile, the quick wit, the absolutely free spirit. I miss myself as I was. Unashamed of my talent, with a strong belief in myself. In my course. The girl who believed that sun-in would turn blonde, her dark brown hair.
The one who smiled, this big even with braces. Subsequent pictures after my rape find me sullen. A closed-lipped smile and a defensive posture. I am still in hiding.
I want my voice to shimmer across the silence, cracking it open and changing it, forever. I want my faith back. I want to believe in God and divinity and in the humanity of people. I want to celebrate my failed attempt at suicide and to step out with confidence, with strength, with humor. With grace.
I want this girl back. Her beautiful, uneven smile. I want her unabashed spirit. I want her sparkle.
But I’ll let her keep her orange hair.
May 23rd, 2009 at 4:49 am
you amaze me. this is so incredibly well written, to be able to see yourself from this place is a huge testimony to all of your hard work dear flutter.
i have every faith that you and the girl you describe here are connecting again. the fact that you are frustrated and passionate and also able to look at what happened with perspective…
you honey, you are on your way.
i love you. xo
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:27 am
Somebody smarter than me once said that in healing we come to a point where we realize that ‘why?’ isn’t the operative question, but ‘what next?’. That’s so incredibly hard to wrap my mind around when considering all that you’ve been through, but you’re there. At what next. Smile. Shimmer. Believe. You’re so worth it.
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:53 am
You are getting there! You are strong and amazing and have come so far, my friend. She’ll be back, just older and wiser, but I see her pushing through a little more every day.
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:10 am
Sun-in! LOL! Memories.
You will get there, love. I’ve never been less than sure of it.
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:36 am
I know exactly how you feel…exactly. It took me about ten years after the fact to really find myself again…the part of me that is the innocent little girl. Even now, she sometimes fades away.
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:55 am
You’re beautiful…then and now. Inside and out.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:08 am
I have no idea how that must feel. But I’m sorry you feel it. And I’m glad you’re healing. Thanks for sharing your journey.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:27 am
Your photographs tell a story and your words expound on the story. I wish you the strength, courage, and self-love to work through this pain to recapture that which is rightfully yours and to see the world again with “new eyes”. You are amazingly gifted.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:29 am
flutter. your words. they bring tears and smiles to my soul. you are beautiful.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:54 am
Live your life moving forward.
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:19 am
Love the photos, they made me smile this morning. The girl is still there, waiting.
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:38 am
Look how beautiful you are!
May 23rd, 2009 at 10:40 am
You’re beautiful, Christine. Both then and now. And I’m honored to be brought along on this journey back to wholeness. Thank you for sharing it with us.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:05 am
Grow, girl. Grow!!
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:09 am
you’re amazing. fucking amazing.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:55 am
not who you will become so much as who you are. you paid a steep price in life experience and yet have the strength and wherewithall to move forward, it’s a proven fact. you would not be likely to squander or settle with anything less than who you are from here on in. any other of lifes challenges will be met head on with dignity and a clear eye, and triumphant, you emerge to find that this is as good a time as any to be who you are. you have seen yourself through a long road of rebounding. there is still yet ample time to be even more than you ever dreamed of. you will accept the tasks that lie ahead in order to fashion a life of fulfillment. that young smiling girl is still as much a part of you as she ever was. so, embrace her, and carry her forward. you’ve got what it takes.
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
This is one of the finest pieces of writing I’ve encountered on a blog. Oh, yes, please…to your life heading back towards the Land of Free and Easy Smiles.
You are such a love.
May 23rd, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I’d like to have some of that exuberance back, too. I just think as we get older in general, some of it goes away with all the daily drudgery, you know? (Much less the horror you had to face.)
You’ll find that girl again – she’s just waiting to come back out, biding her time.
(Good call on the Sun In, though! Gah! I’d forgotten about that stuff!!
May 23rd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
i used sun-in, too! crazy.
you know, you can’t change what happened to you. and it has changed you. But you can make choices about how much you’re going to let it keep changing you. Which, of course, is what you’re doing. Beautifully.
And your new sparkle? That hard won sparkle?
Beautiful!
May 23rd, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I think that so much more ofthat sparkle and grace and wit comes through than you realize.
May 23rd, 2009 at 4:20 pm
I agree with Maggie, your grace and wit always comes through in your writing.
May 23rd, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I’m voting with “your grace and wit come through”. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. The violenceunsilenced.com testimonies rock me to the core. I have tremendous faith and I still struggle with “bad things happen.” In my heart I trust that there is a reason that people suffer at the hands of sadistic, uncaring, unbalanced forces. I don’t have to understand the reason – but I see evidence that good things grow from desolate places.
And you, you blossom like a rose in the desert. Ravaged, neglected, mistreated… and yet, so beautiful and precious. Your strength all the more remarkable.
I don’t know who you would have been but I love who you are.
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:00 pm
You look FABULOUS…orange hair and all!
You’ve come a long way….BABY!
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I’m always blown away by excellent writing. To take hold of such a tragic moment in your life and comes to terms with it is a powerful reflection. Every part of you is still inside you somewhere. A few months ago I finally got it when Bhuddists refer to the fact that there is no self. Why not? The self is a permanent ‘thing.’ You are chaning every second of every day whether you know it or not, and obviously you know it. Peace.
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Awesome. Your writing makes my heart skip beats!
Beautiful YOU!
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:59 pm
you are emerging from this horrific tragedy and becoming the woman that you were meant to be. It’s a beautiful thing to watch.
Now shut up and spray some of that sun-in on me. we WILL be blonde….
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:23 pm
To come back from what you endured – I know women do it all the time – but it still amazes me. Please give yourself huge credit for the spirit you possess today. Do you realize how many of us lose the boldness of youth without going through what you did?
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Do you not know how much of her you have yet? I don’t know you and yet I know her. Maybe it is not her you have to recapture but someone else that you need to let out. Let that someone else out and let her walk away leaving you, the real you to roll her eyes and fart and then laugh, ’cause what else is there to do?
You are that beauty, you know. You really are.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:10 pm
sometimes i wish you could get Sun-in for life
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:05 pm
I agree, “why” is the unanswerable question. What next is a much better question? How will I move forward? How will I get back in touch with that 17 yr old spirit and let her soar again? You’re on your way, keep going.
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Oh baby girl. I had no idea. I’m sorry this had to happen to you. It isn’t for us to ask “why”. But neither shall we just dismiss it. We will never have an answer, but we will learn and grow from our experiences, even as horrific as this. You have a new, more aware and beautiful spirit now. Make this one sparkle.
I freaking love you, my dear friend.
xoxo
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:56 pm
I love these pictures of you, both photographic and written. The light comes out of you, you can’t help it.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:23 pm
i love your pictures. the girl is still there, just changed a bit. she would have changed anyway with life’s knocks, but life sent along a very big challenge indeed. she survived it when a lot of people wouldn’t have done. and she spreads so much love and wisdom around the world from her writing.
May 24th, 2009 at 4:51 am
Flutterbug, you have come so far in the last year, I’m so amazed and proud for you. You’ll get through the last few steps, I have no doubt.
May 24th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Yeah, orange hair isn’t you. She can keep it.
You? Loved. You know this, right? Loved. Deeply.
((((you))))
May 24th, 2009 at 10:58 am
What a beautiful post. That out of such tragedy came something so beautiful, so hopeful…you.
You get to take that girl with the braces and the smile and the hair with you. She’s here with you. And you with her. You’ve both been saved. And you worked so hard for it – to come back from the brink and look life in the eye and say, I’ll give it another go. That is, without a doubt, courageous and beautiful. You are beautiful.
May 24th, 2009 at 11:52 am
I wonder if we do get to decide the type of person we become. If so, i have some decisions to reverse.
By the way, this is lovely and optimistic. I like it.
May 24th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Love is unconditional, so there is a place for orange hair, mind you that place is firmly embedded in the nineties
May 24th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
She’s closer to the surface than you think. I see her.
This is such a lovely, thoughtful and honest piece. You should consider submitting it somewhere. Beautiful.
May 24th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
you have articulated so well the struggle we go through, those of us traumatized at a young age by another person’s actions. how it changes us, how to deal with the change and the bruised heartbeats that remember what we might have been…if only…
i have a secret, though.
she’s there. she really is. she’s different, perhaps a bit distant, perhaps she won’t ever match up with your everyday you..
but she’s still there in that part of you that violence doesn’t touch.
(p.s. that part is there, always…although it sounds like you’re realizing that too…)
much love to you, miss flutter.
May 25th, 2009 at 3:29 am
yeah, survivor trumps victim. You rock at survival.
May 25th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Flutter,
That girl is still inside you, healing right along side you. Your soul is beautiful, you radiate all that is good, despite the fear and pain. Healing, as you know, is a process. You heal with each step you take, believe that with all of your heart.
I hate what happened to you. You are more powerful than him, the trauma and the world you knew shattered. You have courage to speak out in a heartbreaking honest way, fight the beast inside, endure the pain that healing can bring and most of all you live, love and inspire. You are all about the power of endurance of the human spirit, with all its beauty.
XXXXXXX
May 25th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Sparkle and shine, you.
And was was with Sun-In? Was there any teenaged girl who didn’t believe in its promise of blonde-o-topia?
May 25th, 2009 at 10:42 am
She is gorgeous and so are you.
May 25th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
She’s there. Take her back. Xoxoxo
May 25th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I LOVE the photos of you! Looking at them, I felt like I was back in high school, almost as if you would’ve easily been one of my friends. Believe this, my friend, the spirit of the kid that’s smiling and goofing off in those pictures is still very much alive in you.
There’s no need to “miss her” because you are still that person. Let The Real You come back out and keep giving your beautiful gift of free spirited-ness to this world!
May 25th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
I think she’s been along for the ride; she’s been there all along.
And she is lovely.
ox
May 26th, 2009 at 9:10 am
You can’t go back, only forward. You will never fully be her, but you can be something even better-already are.
All my love.
May 26th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I believe that girl still lives inside of you. ((hug))
May 26th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I don’t think you can decide the type of person you become. I mean, you can influence it, but you can’t decide all together. Because a million other pieces float around in the universe and crash into you for meaningless reasons that mold you. Part of that is shit and part of it is beautiful because it’s uncontrollable and unpredictable.
I know what you mean about missing the girl you were. If you look deep enough though, you’ll probably find that the fundamental essence of her is still there. Nobody and nothing can take away a person’s essence.
May 26th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Man, this was so good. Heartbreaking, heartlifting, and very, very good.
What brings it home for me are the pictures. Even though your words are always so evocative that illustration is far from needed, these pictures… I could be you, I could be that girl. We could all be that girl.
Thank you for this.
May 26th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Reality resets. You have to remember what was and live in what is; it is difficult. Sometimes, Flutter, I envy you with your one taste of the bile of life. My list is reaching high numbers (abuse, rape, murdered ones, souls hurting to hurt, and the strength to make it all better, no matter what).
Go forth from this thing. I have been there. At 18, so more mature, but it is over. That night has died and I have mourned it and what came with it.
Hope.
May 27th, 2009 at 6:26 am
God dammit.
I hate it when even my words fail me.
You know that I absolutely love you and the woman that you are, and I grieve with you for the girl that was left lying on that floor that day.
I don’t have anything to say, friend. I’m sorry. I hate him for you. I feel your pain. I wish there were a way to help heal, but I think that this burden, this pain will always be, and I hate that that is true.
I wish you were near, love, I so wish that.
May 27th, 2009 at 7:21 am
I see glimpses of that girl sometimes – I’m glad you’re ready to find her and bring her back out into the light, where she belongs. In the time I’ve been reading you (my god, almost two years?) I have watched the process, as you have revealed it in your words, of your inner healing and unfurling, and I’ve rejoiced that such a lovely, funny, spirited, and very talented woman is finally finding her worth, which is priceless, by the way!
I love you, and I have a special, personal fondness for orange hair myself!
May 27th, 2009 at 7:43 am
Your beautiful soul is shining through…
May 27th, 2009 at 10:07 am
I think more of that girl shines through than you realize. She’s beautiful. You’re beautiful and your words are beautiful.
May 27th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Wonderfully written. I hope you do find the right balance between the person you are now and the person you were then. If it’s any consolation, I had no trauma nearly as horrific as what you experienced, yet I too am more jaded, less sure, less trusting than I was at 17. I knew everything then. I know so much less now. Some of that is the nature of growing up, I think. But I do hope you can reclaim some of the joy you had then. You seem to be moving in the right direction. Thanks for sharing.
May 27th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Laaaaa. That’s what I hear when I look at that second shot.
Seriously, your hair doesn’t even look orange to me, but I suspect that that’s because that orangey brown is my natural color. Speaking of me, I am back to brown – some things are inherent….Like your spirit.
I think the person you need to reconnect with in your life is the one who really went missing – a young woman in her twenties who had a chance to mature slowly and learn about herself and the world. What were her dreams?
No matter who you are, today still comes and you find yourself with choices ahead of you.
XO
May 27th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
“I want this girl back. Her beautiful, uneven smile. I want her unabashed spirit. I want her sparkle.” I think she has been on her way back for some time now dear friend or perhaps she’s always been with you waiting for the time you were ready to let her back in your life. (Hugs)Indigo
May 28th, 2009 at 6:04 am
You have so much… I don’t know the word, but I’m thinking of the stuff that makes a person feel great about themselves, the stuff that… the stuff that I can relate to. Love your courage.
May 28th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
That girl has turned into an amazing woman. I’m so sorry that you went through that. I am so, so sorry. You are smart, inspiring, and wonderful. I wish I had more to give, but you have my heart.
May 28th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Confession: I looked through those photos of you last night on Facebook. And the entire time I did, I had a smile on my face.
You looked like someone I would have hung out with.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:32 am
such a beautiful post. that girl is still there. I promise.
May 29th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I love that last picture. And you’re still you. Still there, still you.
May 29th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
God Bless You!
Be Encouraged.
May 29th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
You do sparkle. This is beautiful, the words, the spirit behind them and the survival they entail.
May 30th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
OH, I love these pictures.
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
17 is such an age. Everyone is learning how to fly. When bad things happen I think we morn in stages and ‘what happened’ will always be there. Sometimes I like to imagine that in an alternate universe there’s an undamaged version of me living a parallel life right next to mine.
And I’m so sorry that you had to live through that. so sorry. Your pictures are making me teary.