We have a socially acceptable bias against fat people. People with weight problems are made fun of, reviled, rejected and thought less of across the board.
In movies, on television, in our media we are bombarded with the stereotype that women with weight problems curl up and eat french fries and ice cream from a bucket and men with weight problems are the funny guys who play side kick to their more attractive friends.
The assumption is that weight carries with it, pound for pound an inverse relationship to worth. The more you weigh, the less you are worth, as a person. The larger you get, the less you are seen. The bigger your pant size, the less likely to be loved.This is not to say that society is to blame for the weight problems of people, but it certainly helps perpetuate the last great wall of prejudice as I see it.
For me, as I am ever flexing and extending an undulating and fluid mass of numbers on a scale, I see the difference in how the world responds. When I am thinner I get appreciative stares, people pay attention when I speak and ask intelligent questions. Doors are held open for me. I am permitted to linger in nice clothing stores without being derisively stared at by the shop girls. I am congratulated for slimming down and working hard.
As if, when I am heavy, I am lazy and slovenly.It seems absurd to pack on weight in order to hide. It is like balancing an elephant on a teacup. You would think that someone would notice that, but people walk past with not so much as a glance. Where as, the thinner me is rarely left without a word, or a proposition.I realize that this is why, when I start to approach a more socially acceptable weight, a switch flips in my brain. The big, red switch with the word “DANGER!” on it.Danger, I might be expected to be as intelligent as I am. Danger, people may expect more from me. Danger, I may have to ward off advances. Danger, I may no longer have a built in excuse to fail.
That’s it for me, really. I see how people bypass me at this weight and I can point my chubby finger and say, “see? they won’t LET me succeed.” When the truth is, it is fear of fully exposing myself that keeps me in my fat suit.This is a disorder. This is not a normal way of thinking. To obsess over food. To indulge then deny. To fluctuate tens of pounds. To control my body in such a way that is not healthy for it.
It destroys me to feel this way, to feel less than. To know exactly what I am doing in a very logical sense and to do it anyway. I am better than this and it is not good enough.
It just isn’t.
Thank you, Tracey for your wonderful words
June 9th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Excellent post – and insight!
My mom has been overweight for years, and it’s because of her general teachings (being kind to people no matter WHAT – of course, I am generally a bitch but only when someone gives me a REASON to be one, not based on looks whatsoever!) that I really don’t even see a weight when talking to people. I just don’t pay attention to it. It really makes no difference to me, but I do know what you mean. I had an overweight friend who CONSTANTLY bitched about her own weight – but then would turn around and be relentless about other overweight people. That always confused the hell out of me – and in fact, we got into a big argument over it.
I have no idea why I am prattling on.
But I know what you mean – people are downright cruel to overweight people, and it’s disgusting.
You should be nice to yourself no matter what.
Don’t make me come kick your ass!
xo
June 9th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
i get it. i totally get it.
June 9th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
I completely understand and could not agree more. I have found the reverse to be true as well…when I do lose weight, my skinnier friends are happy for me, but my heavier friends tell me over and over that I looked better with the weight on and make fun of me for watching what I eat – even though at those times, I was still considered “obese.”
Weight is personal. It is about being healthy and happy, period. I refuse to comment on other people’s weight and do not talk about mine with many people. We’re not all built the same and will never look the same. Isn’t that the point? Being individual and unique?
June 9th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
It’s so true. I wish you were wrong and I could gleefully point it out, but as usual you are spot on. I wish you weren’t.
June 9th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
My middle name comes from my VERy overweight aunt; she didn’t over eat; she had serious medical issues which required medications that caused her to gain enormous amounts of weight (water and other). She, my Aunt Renee, was one of the most beautiful person/people I have ever been privelaged to meet…
Never, EVER, jusdge a book by its cover…
If you were blind, who would you love…?
I love everyone, until they prove to be an asshole/assholette!
June 9th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
It is all so arfing complicated. How we are perceived and treated and then how we perceive and judge ourselves. I’m leaning toward a society of the disembodied. Are you in? As impossible as it sounds, it might be a hell of a lot easier than being happy with ourselves. And what does that say? (Pass the ice cream. Sorry. For real, I was thinking ice cream. Dammit. Now I’m thinking carrot sticks. Double damn!)
Did I mention, it’s all so complicated?
June 9th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Why DO we hide behind weight? I’m not considered morbidly obese, but let’s not talk about what my BMI shows in relation to my height. When you’re 5′1″ tall, an extra 30 lbs is a big deal.
I do get more attention when I’m thinner, (or heavily wrapped in something vaguely spanx like). And while part of me enjoys the attention, the other part cringes at it.
I know people assume that I just can’t or won’t control my eating habits – but they couldn’t be more wrong. I’m the anti-anorexic… fat on the outside, but the mindset of an anorexic inside. I don’t eat more than 3-4 times a week. Why? I have some theories, but am not quite ready to explore them yet. I know part of it is control, holding on to that little bit that I have. Another part is that by hiding behind the weight that I claim to hate, it gives me an excuse to not do something. That, and the fact that if people are focused on my weight, maybe the
Yet despite not eating, my body refuses to shed the extra pounds, since it’s in constant starvation mode.
I hate it – but it comforts me.
One thing at a time.
June 9th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
***oops***
deleted a whole line there towards the end.
That and the fact that if people are focused on my weight, maybe they *won’t bother to really see ME*
June 9th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
You’re right. Now whatcha gonna do? For you.
When I was in in a college psych class, they asked us to take a survey on how we perceived people who are obese. I decided to be honest. My answers frightened me. My toes were curled over the edge of anorexia. It was a turning point for me – there’s a lot of healthy in between.
June 9th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Oh man do I ever get this. Girl, I feel this in a kinda way down deep kinda way. Oh I hate that you made me think, but I’m thankful I’m not the only one. Does that make sense? UGG! Love this blog!
June 9th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Not cool. Nobody likes that.
June 9th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
I’m better than my self-flagellation and willingness to tolerate verbal abuse- what is it with we smart, pretty girls that we let ourselves act as if we believe these lies….?
June 10th, 2009 at 12:28 am
You are spot on with this. And it is painful to read. Balancing an elephant on a tea cup. That vision is staying with me. I understand the DANGER signs. The fat suit is an illusion of protection. But, it feels like it will hold up.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:40 am
I just wrote, seriously, a post here as a comment. So I’m going to actually write a real post relative to this, because clearly you’ve struck a chord. But for the moment I just wanted to say that you never cease to amaze me with how perceptive and thoughtful you are. You nailed it. xo
June 10th, 2009 at 6:39 am
i love that you are peeling this all back and rolling it around and making us think.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:25 am
We SEE you, here in this space, and are never disappointed.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:40 am
The other day I was at a bar with a guy buddy and he asked me, “What about those guys over there?” I shot him a derisive look, and he said, “Yeah, quality issues.” And I said yeah, that there were quality issues, but also that those guys want tiny little straight haired blondes. I would get mocked if I walked over there. Immediately, a tiny straight haired brunette walked over to them and chatted them up. I said, see? And he said, yeah, but is that what you think of all guys? And I thought about it. And it’s how I think all people in general think. And that makes me sad.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:49 am
I think we all have this fear of fully exposing ourselves. We all hide in different ways, all of us desperate to hide our vulnerability.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:46 am
The fact that you are so self-aware is surely the first step to resolving this, no?
I think many, many of us have built-in excuses to fail. I know I struggle with mine every day.
June 10th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Girl, you just said a mouthful – of wisdom, not french fries!
Chanda and I are on a quest to get healthy, and we often catch ourselves saying things like, “I was bad today”, instead of saying, “I made a choice to have a Philly Cheese steak, it was killer, and now I feel satisfied.”. We are our own worst enemies, aren’t we? It is my hope for you, for me, for Chanda, for every woman, that we can learn to love ourselves, let ourselves off the hook, and nurture our inner beautiful girl.
Because you ARE beautiful, no matter what!
June 10th, 2009 at 9:50 am
I played the frumpy sidekick for many years. And now, thinner, I am a wallflower. Still not sure which one I favor . . .
June 10th, 2009 at 10:02 am
It’s true. The bias is real and I hate it. I know too many beautiful women who struggle with eating disorders of one type or another. I blame California.
June 10th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Oh my god. I feel this…I have thought this. It’s like you took the feelings and the words directly from my brain and spun them around far more clearly and concisely than I ever could. It hurts to know all of this logically and still be left with ‘how do I beat it?’
June 10th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
THANK YOU for this post.
Seriously.
June 10th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Astonishing truth. You have such a gift for seeing yourself clearly and sharing it in a way that makes me look for what I’m hiding behind. I hope you find what you need to keep the danger switch at off.
June 10th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
This is just what I needed to read today. Thanks love.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Flutter, this is really solid. I’ve got to admit to that socially acceptable bias myself. Which is hypocritical, because you won’t find a stronger advocate for gay rights and the like. This is some food for thought.
June 10th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
It is scary how true I have found this to be.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I am 5 foot 4, and almost 200 pounds. before you jump top the conclusion I am a “big girl” I am also an athlete. No one can believe how much I weigh. I will admit, since SC, I have gotten a gut and a Roll. I will admit after leaving my abusive husband I thought no one will ever love a fat girl like me.
I will admit I met someone recently, who is considered “hot” by all my friends, and likes me…
… just as I am.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:25 am
This post is excellent and I totally get it. I often go out and about thinking that there is nothing wrong with me being fat…that I can be cute and sexy and funny and and and….
The day starts that way but then, after getting sneers and giggles OR being made to feel invisible, it eats at me.
I need to learn how to not let other people affect me but damn that is hard.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:14 am
My weight has both saved me, and destroyed me. Granted, I let it – I know. But it’s more powerful than people realize.
June 11th, 2009 at 8:25 am
During the estate sale I was helping my mother with last week, a very nice Hispanic woman stopped after she paid for her little pile of things and said, “you know? I don’t know if it’s my size or my color…but people are either so rude or totally ignore me…” My mother and I stopped to share a frown about this admission after sharing a smile with her before she walked away from us. Why would your weight make you feel more superior to anyone in a room? Is it because you are part of a population that buys into a very small, narrow, and often distorted view of the human body? How does that make someone “better” than anyone?
June 11th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Thank you for speaking the truth, C. People NEED to hear this. Over and over again, it seems.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Oh yes, my head is nodding. There are, sadly, so many biases and this truly is one of them. Thank you for THIS.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
I am so glad I decided to come by today. This post is excellent Flutter. To think that I deal with all that “Danger” stuff because I am “thin” You get it. It is amazing. But you know, being thin or thick (right now) really only changes the shadows on the walls and the reflections in the mirror. Who cares what the fuck they think? Inside we are probably more alike…Beyond the physical. I mean, I could easily let myself eat a bunch of shit and stop working out to escape the heaviness of day to day…And you could easily drop weight by depriving yourself of cupcakes or whatever…But in the end, we will still feel empty? Maybe I can put on some weight and you can turn into a toothpick…but would it really make the emptiness, the void, the bleeding wounds ever go away? There is more to this. I’m rambling. Love ya Girl.
June 11th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
i’ve been circling around my built in excuses to fail. they are so so strong. i’m trying to get rid of them.
June 11th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
You’ve inspired a post from me, too. I completely understand what you’re saying, being someone whose chosen to hide behind either side of the ‘perfect’ weight issue. I love how well you know you, and that you share it so intimately.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:50 am
I keep thinking disability is the last acceptable prejudice, but I forgot this one.
you are beautiful flutter.
June 12th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I HOPE self-awareness means we are on our way to a more OUT LOUD life. I’m right there with you. I think this post is incredible. I’m so glad to have your insight to help me with my own.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
You know where I stand—firmly behind you, cheering you on regardless of weight, but intolerant of bull shit.
Don’t waste your days babe, on fretting or faking. Love you. Fiercely.
June 13th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
What has rankled particularly for me is that this lesson is passed from mother to daughter. Come on, MOTHERS.
In my family, my mom and sister are estranged, but my mom absolutely admires my sister for losing weight; it seems to negate how stubborn and angry and unreasonable my sister has always been to my mom–’cause she’s THIN!
Such effing weirdness.
June 13th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
wow. so honest.
June 14th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
[...] it was so hard to stop, just really, for once and for all, quit being anorexic. Reading the post at by flutter is what brought it back to the [...]
June 15th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Oh, how I get this. When I lost 50 pounds I had to get used to people touching me. Weird, that. Also – the unwanted attention. Seriously, people.
Now I’m over 40 and the weight has been creeping back on. I’ve just renewed my “swim laps” campaign (day 11). I do want to be healthy. I do want my clothes to fit. I want to climb the 4 flights of stairs to my office without gasping for air at the top. Also, I saw pictures of myself taken in December and I look awful – so yeah. I don’t want to look awful.
But with all of that said, I don’t want to make myself the center of my attention either so for me, I’m trying to keep it in balance. Not easy. I’m wishing the best to all of us that struggle with the scales (both ends of the spectrum).
June 15th, 2009 at 7:32 am
I really loved this. Why does food/exercise/weight have to be such an issue? My moaning about it doesn’t make it less of one, but damn is it frustrating. I try very hard — and succeed sometimes — to be all “I am a hot curvy woman,” but it’s an uphill struggle against Barbie, you know?
June 15th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Oh, I get this. But in saying that, I don’t think that all people who are overweight do it to hide. I think that there are exceptions to the rule, and I have a fantastic friend (Dee), who is amazing. She’s large, amazingly large, but she loves that about herself. And she walks with such confidence and has so much love for any and all and she doesn’t allow her weight to dictate her life, or how people treat her, or how people expect her to be. I love that about her, really I do. She’s brilliant, really.
(If you want to check her out, you can find her at curvaceousdee.blogspot.com. Beware though, it’s a sex blog).
June 17th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Good for you to do what you think is best for you. I know you are talking about yourself. Just wanted to point out that some people are overweight who aren’t trying to hide, who don’t have psychological problems and who don’t overeat. I just wanted to put the plug in there for that fact…
Sometimes I wish people would also accept: Some people are just larger than others. There are many people who can only be small to medium if they extremely restrict calories. There are people whose bodies either are or become large, extra large via normal caloric intake, normal psychology, normal activity rate.
Also, some fat people are actually healthy in every sense of the word. And will live a long time without major health problems. This is another medical fact. Also, some weight issues crop up when people get older due to hormonal changes, rather than deep issues with food.
I don’t know why no one ever writes about these things. I always find myself saying it though just in the hopes someone will be like–OK, that’s true. For some reason I always want to spread this information around. I suppose I want people to be more sensible about weight.
Also, some fat people are happy and lead wonderful, fulfilling lives. Probably not in New York or Los Angeles! (Kidding…but only sort of.) Sorry…don’t mean to sidetrack things. Though-provoking post.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Oops. I want to apologize for being so pedantic above. This post truly does speak to me, especially at this particular moment in my life. That ‘less than’ thing…I wish we could all be rid of it. And this is what I do like about the post–you are facing it head on. For some reason, it reminds me of this scene in Tim Burton’s movie of James and the Giant Peach where James faces down the rhino and it disappears.
It’s hard to look at that rhino head on.
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:58 am
I can atest to this weirdness from the other side of the weight fence. I’m so small I sometimes can’t find clothes to fit, and what I keep discovering is that I attract men with, or bring out in men, a Tiny Girl fettish. And like you, I’m not terribly in the mood for being viewed through the lens of my size, which I mostly cannot control anyway.
I fantasize about hands in my rounded flesh, and a voice gruff with the feel of my bursting curves.
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
This is a great post. I’ve never really had to deal with weight (although I still obsess over a pesky five pound fluctuation). I have never heard this point of view of being invisible and also the fear of losing the weight before and it has definitely made me think.
June 24th, 2009 at 10:13 am
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June 30th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I’m with Blues in that I’ve never really had to deal with weight. I have found myself on the other end of the spectrum. The skinny and picked on end of the spectrum. There are just as many derogatory words for skinny girls. Yet somehow, just as you say that people find it okay to pick on fat girls, it seems to be just as acceptable to pick on the skinny ones. I can’t count the number of times I have been called skinny bitch, chicken legs, fence post, etc. It is just as damaging to a thin girl’s self-esteem. Especially when one tries defend herself and is told “You’re skinny! You have nothing to complain about!” I just wish in the area of weight people would follow the “do unto others” rule. Don’t look down on others because of their weight (heavy or light) and hopefully others will learn to do the same. I don’t hold out much hope that it will happen, though.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
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July 9th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
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July 12th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Wow. I have to say I am impressed with this post. I am so used to reading the same story presented here, but with the attached resentment of “everyone else”. Good for you for taking responsibility for your own actions. Overweight people would be better if they could only face the truth of what they are doing to themselves.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
First of all I’d like to say that I do not agree with how society often views obese individuals. However,
Obesity isn’t another factor of aesthetics like hair color or “being yourself”
Obesity has adverse effects on health and lowers life expectancy.It may or may not be your fault, genetic disposition or bad lifestyle choices will do it.
If you would like to dismiss obesity it in order to be “yourself”, go ahead. Such behavior is EXACTLY why society looks down upon obesity. If you have diabetes, you take necessary steps to treat it. If you have schizophrenia, you take antipsychotic medications. If you have obesity, you should exercise and have a responsible diet.
Being chubby is fine, being obese is not. It is medically wrong to just be content with obesity,and say: “Be Yourself”. Being Obese really sucks, but life isn’t fair. Some people are born blind, some are mentally retarded, some get cancer.
Obesity is one of the most prevalent causes of death the most treatable one. however it is also one of the most expensive to the general public.
Why does the prejudice exist in the first place? Very often, people aren’t genetically predisposed to obesity. For example, Obesity didn’t exist at the rates it does today even 50 years ago. Bad choices such as eating fast food too much, drinking high calorie sodas at home, never exercising … etc.. are choices that are open to scorn. You have 100% control over what you eat and how much you exercise. Some people are just plain irresponsible, and for those individuals I don’t feel any sympathy for society’s views.
On the other hand, if your are obese due to genetic disposition, you do not deserve the criticism society gives you. Don’t think of exercising and dieting as posing for society, think of it as treating a disease. Staying at a healthy weight is the responsible thing to do. Will it not only extend the life expectancy of the individual, and as a consequence, will rid of society’s scorn.
Its a win-win situation.