I am rounding the corner
My anger is a slow boiling thing. It takes a long time to develop and settles into the marrow of my structure like the fibers of what makes me human.
It takes so much to truly piss me off. It takes so much more for me to burst.
I am rounding that corner.
I am irritated, aggravated with myself for giving this pathetic human being so much of my worth. I am furious with myself for handing him my radiance and allowing him to buff it down to a sad little glimmer. I let him rape me and as my life lurches forward, I allow him to rob me of my potential.
It’s all such bullshit. I’ve been here before, at this point. Where I don my pointy metal bra and go all warrior woman on his ass…metaphorically. Then some seemingly inconsequential tidbit steals my breath and I am left gasping. I suck in giant clouds of his scent and his essence, trapped in my atmosphere and he guides me, as a satellite into a world where I do not control myself.
If it is frustrating to me, I can only imagine how horrendous it is for the people who love me.
So, this boiling pot of anger, it is starting to touch the flame. It is sending up sputters of noise and protest. My anger, it wants to burn him whole, even if I am scared.
July 7th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
I just super-sized that 80,000 BTU burner. Go ahead, get mad! If you can’t get mad on your own, I can maybe start commenting exclusively in john mayer lyrics again.
July 7th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
It’s not the same thing, and I won’t pretend that it is. But I went through so many cycles regarding my molester. Somedays, even some days still, I get so bloody fucking ANGRY I want to dig the bastard up and rip his limbs apart for skewing my entire life when I was 7 or so.
I had to get mad before anything could heal. Sometimes fire can cleanse.
July 8th, 2009 at 4:02 am
You have been here before and this anger is such a natural response to finding yourself once more consumed and submerged under these powerful memories. Burn brightly Christine, let your anger overwhelm the fear. xx Jos
July 8th, 2009 at 4:09 am
This time will be the time that you make it around the corner.
You’ve got a shield and it will deflect those arrows that seek to pierce you in some unprotected area.
Keep moving forward. Victory will be yours.
July 8th, 2009 at 5:47 am
{{{you}}}
July 8th, 2009 at 5:56 am
I sat in a room with movies that make me cry then I cried some more on my own, hour after hour. It’s the only way I quenched my recent burning anger. I hate that feeling as well.
July 8th, 2009 at 6:12 am
Love and Light to you, my dear. Tremendous Love; Tremendous Light.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:13 am
There are things in life, incomparable to your violation, in which I wonder what closure would like or feel like and if I would recognize it if it spanked me on the ass and called me Judy.
Anger is purposeful and provocative, not always evil, unfortunately it is draining regardless of outcome.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Spread your fingers and shoot it out!
There’s only so much they can steal
and then it’s just time to say, fuck you, right back!
July 8th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Keep that pointy bra on and don’t let the asshole keep you from moving forward!
July 8th, 2009 at 9:15 am
May I just say that you didn’t “LET” him do anything. He didn’t give you that luxury, the one of choice. Now fire his ass up and let your anger loose. Perhaps it can burn away the fear. Perhaps not. Either way, you’re certainly entitled to it.
July 8th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I’m standing right here with the extinguisher. You’ve got a flame retardant suit on. Burn on girl. Burn on!
July 8th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Rock on with your badass pointy metal bra self. Rage can help, dude.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:05 am
You’re definitely giving him permission NOW to control certain things in your life.
I say burn the motherfucker.
I’ll get my pitchfork.
xo
July 8th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I think you’re amazing. I do. You might not see this just yet, but you are. Amazing. Because you may lose control sometimes, but you take it back. And you gain more power, more of yourself every time you take it back. Amazing.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I had some anger boiling under the surface a few years ago, anger I kept trying to dress as other things: I tried reframing it but it wouldn’t dissipate.
It lingered.
Then I had the worst dreams. Dreams of a Reckoning. Angry, angry dreams that left me sweating and nervous because it’s hard to shift gears; hard to go from blazing mad to mom.
I don’t know what the answer is; I don’t. But I stopped judging those feelings and figured that despite all the damn therapy I had been through, I wasn’t done yet.
I wasn’t done until I was done.
I can honestly say it’s easier now. And I pray it becomes easier for you, for your sake.
Your brave soul needs some peace.
July 8th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
You are burning him whole…with your words as tinder for the fire. Just keep walking around that corner.
July 8th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
you are such a beautiful writer and you are moving through this.
July 8th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I think the anger is okay. I think you can use it to your advantage as long as you aren’t letting it eat you alive. Just keep it focused on where it belongs – and please know that should not include being angry at yourself.
I don’t know your story, but I do know that you didn’t ‘let’ anyone rape you. I fight that battle with myself all the time, but in the end, I know that we do what we have to in order to get by and survive. You’re here and that is a victory in and of itself. Let yourself feel that and direct your anger where it belongs – at him.
July 8th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Roar!
July 8th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Anger is hard on you too; take care of yourself.
July 8th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Anger can be healthy – you know that. You have given him NOTHING. Anything he has he TOOK from you, remember that. He stole your worth, and you did not hand him your radiance, he ripped it out of your grasp. It’s still there, far more than the glimmer that you see.
I wish I had a suggestion as to what to do with that anger, to keep it from eating at you. But please… it’s not yourself that you should be irritated and angry at. You survived – and you’re an inspiration to many. Don’t let him take that away from you too.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
There is no “let”.
Go. Burn. And by cheap dishes and glasses, take them to a beach or field, spread out an old sheet, and smash the hell out of them onto it. Take pots and pans, too, with big utensils to bash them with. The noise and destruction may help with the exorcism. (or it might just be loud, crashing release.)
July 9th, 2009 at 6:20 am
I’m sorry…..
July 9th, 2009 at 6:28 am
Here’s hoping you make it around the bend! Good luck!
July 9th, 2009 at 6:49 am
It is cyclical. Most healing is, I think, at least emotional healing. Every time you get a little further, though.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Thank you for giving anger like this words…and in those words wings. This spoke to the center of where my anger is right now, which is in the center of me, and my life. Maybe now that it has wings it will fly away?
July 9th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Hey, did you really want my address? You don’t have to send me anything. But I wanted you to know that I really appreciated the kind words and thought. Thank you.
Feel free to email me anytime at twstdtink(at)yah00(d0t)c0m.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Burn, girl. Burn it off.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
You “let him” only so much as you chose to survive. And you are entitled to every feeling expressed, held in, shouted, whispered, cried.
July 10th, 2009 at 8:44 am
I hope your rage hits high enough temps to create its own momentum and not get snuffed. Rage is superpowerful (she typed articulately) and, mehopes, will burn through some of the memories.
Could you go to a firing range and shoot a gun for awhile?
Not that I grew up in Montana and am all cowgirl at heart (even though my dad was an opera singer, and we never left the house).
July 10th, 2009 at 9:58 am
“I let him rape me” No. You. Didn’t.
“I allow him to rob me of my potential”. But your potential is still there. If not then how is it that I see it when I read your words?
July 10th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
being there before does not predict the outcome of being there now. Trust me, from someone who has been around and around many, many times. Trust you.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Fuck, it would be so boring if we perfectly conquered everything. You get stronger with each cycle of anger and moving-ondom, babe.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I can attest to using anger as a tool to heal. I made it work for me – for years. When I needed to feel safe, even loved, I resorted to anger to build me up. Let it envelope you, use it to banish the pain, the sorrow. Just as long as you don’t let it burn you along with the one who hurt you.
On loved ones…Love doesn’t pick and choose the moments when it’s available. If they love you they accept it all, the anger, the tears…they know eventually there will come a day of joy and satisfaction. Me? I’m here for the ride, encouraging, loving you dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo
July 10th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
there is no justice for those who rob you of your potential
fight on flutter. you are a warrior.
July 11th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Anger is good. Warrior woman.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Anger is a step in this. Be strong. Fight through it. If anyone can, it’s you.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:52 am
you give me hope
July 12th, 2009 at 10:56 am
as i see you walking your journey with courage and truth.
July 12th, 2009 at 11:00 am
your words burn away some of my own fear and hopelessness.
July 12th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
yes that anger is such a powerful thing. it’s what kept me alive.
then it started to kill me, and that was when things got really
hard.
sending out my heart=
July 12th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
evaporate that mf right into the air… and…
July 15th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
anger and fear are both totally reasonable and healthy
July 15th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
I don’t know what you need, to boil over and scald the crap out of him or to feel more in control of the anger – whatever it is, I’m wishing it for you. I vote for scalding the crap out of him until he writhes in agony and disappears.
July 20th, 2009 at 5:07 am
“let him” my arse. He took from you. He stole from you. You did not “let him” do anything.
Anger is good, I like anger. Sometimes anger is what we need. Sometimes of course it’s time to let anger go, when it starts to eat you up. But while your anger has a use, goddamit you let it rip.
July 20th, 2009 at 8:12 am
I have a hug. Can I give it to you?
July 26th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
How’s this girl coming along?