I wonder
The morning mirror routine is tragic in its difficulty. Because as I stand, painted toenails twenty shades darker than the carpet they are standing on, I manage a panic. A panic that threatens, with every evident little flaw, to pull me under.
I wonder.
I wonder what it would feel like to think that I have a tiny waist, without also thinking that I have giant hips.
I wonder what it would feel like to think that I have pretty eyes, without also wishing that they were blue.
I wonder what it would feel like to think that my face looks good for 34, without also seeing the gray hair curling around my forehead.
I wonder what it would feel like to look at Clay and think “I love him”, without also thinking “how can he possibly love me?”
It’s a victim’s mantra to ride the crest of violence, accepting the various and sundry afflictions that invariably are left behind. But, I wonder just how big that crutch is. How much it makes pronounced, the hobble I’ve been given. I cannot always limp under the weight. I cannot always be so aware of how I move in gravity. But I wonder, I wonder when this skin stops being my enemy and starts being my joy.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Sadly, this thinking is familiar to me.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:58 pm
i do think, unfortunately, that this is familiar to far too many women, victims or not (myself included)
September 1st, 2009 at 10:06 pm
totally.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Be not a victim. That happened elsewhere, to some other. You are perfect, and acceptable, just as you are.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:04 pm
I think I hate that more than anything-the wondering how anyone could possibly love ,e. I try and move past it, but yeah, that mirror, somedays…
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:13 am
I wish you could see what we see; only the beauty, the gift that is YOU.
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:18 am
I don’t know what it takes to overcome this thinking, but I wish I had it. The crappy part is now that I am older, I look back on my younger self and go “Dang, I was hot and I didn’t even APPRECIATE it because I was so obsessed with picking on my flaws.” Sigh.
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:34 am
There is an entire advertising industry devoted to making sure we don’t like anything about ourselves.
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:42 am
this is such a prevalent undertone in our society, anyway…add your experiences to it and your relationship with your body is even that much more complicated. now,this may or may not help you, but i saw it the other day so i thought i would share it with you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:58 am
Well, I like ya, and think you look good, so take that as evidence to refute yourself. Sometimes, you just have to accept another person’s opinion. The self can just be an insensitive and neurotic jerk out to cause trouble.
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:48 am
Our brains really are our enemies, aren’t they?
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:04 am
I wonder, too – because I see intelligence and sheer, superficial beauty when I see you!
September 2nd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
You bring up a good point…why is it we complement ourselves on a feature or an action and then often follow it with a condition or a put down? I wonder what would happen if we just said, “wow…I have beautiful eyes!” and then stood our ground?
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Your are beautiful, inside and out. I hope someday you see and feel this, you deserve to know what this feels like. You have so much courage inside you, you’ll get to the healing part.
XXXXX
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:09 pm
I wonder that too. About me, though, not you. YOU I love. Me, I like.
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Another line of “I wonder” can be drawn between what parts of this came from being a victim and what parts are endemic to being female, in general. What you feel here, for you, is tied to what happened to you. Yet, interestingly, your thoughts sound like those that run through every woman’s head. Oy.
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Another line of “I wonder” can be drawn between what parts of this came from being a victim and what parts are endemic to being female, in general. What you feel here, for you, is tied to what happened to you. Yet, interestingly, your thoughts sound like those that run through every woman’s head. Oy.
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:24 am
I wish you could see you as I do.
Much love.
September 3rd, 2009 at 4:52 am
perhaps you will ease into it, perhaps it is a matter of faith, for sure it is a burden to carry the residue of terrorism, for sure it creates what seems to be irreconcilable trauma, but for sure you will be safe happy and not comparing/contrasting your inner peace with your fears if you keep going forward as you have done. I think it is also about acceptance or letting the light come through, that who you are, and instead of criticizing her, you will know her. and there is that knowledge of who you really are. Trauma can create the fear of success. Be ware, push it the other way, accept all the great gifts you have. I personally think you are absolutely physically psychologically and spiritually beautiful, you just don’t believe it yet but you will.
September 3rd, 2009 at 10:05 am
I can empathize so much with this.
September 3rd, 2009 at 3:09 pm
You’re lovely. Really and truly. Lovely.
September 3rd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I totally get the what ifs, withouts, and buts; I am, after all, female. What I see when I look at you is a strong woman who is beautiful, witty, and tenacious…so maybe my glasses or rose colored, or maybe it is always easier to see the good in someone you believe in than it is to see it in yourself.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Wish you would see what I see, without the “but….” You’re beautiful and so talented…
September 4th, 2009 at 4:55 am
you are joy, to clay, to us, to everyone. i wish you could see that. i want happiness for you, flutter.
September 4th, 2009 at 5:41 am
Wish we could believe more of what others see in entirety, not just what we see on the outside.
September 4th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I wonder too.
September 5th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
One way, ironically, of erasing that mirror-voice is by REALLY listening to it. Welcome it as best you can. You created it for a reason. It’s there, oddly enough, to protect you from something. Go deeper, listen, and see what else it has to say. Because THOSE parts will, when you go deep enough, be true.
September 5th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Do we ALL do that? Qualify every single tiny positive we can find with a huge negative? I’ve tried to undo it… but I don’t know how.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:18 am
There is no harm in wondering … except where wondering leads to believing. Or perhaps more correctly where wondering leads to wishing … which in turn stops us from seeing what is … and appreciating what is … a loving what is. xx Jos
September 6th, 2009 at 7:31 am
I haven’t found out how to love myself either, to stand in front of the mirror and be thankful. I’m pretty good at look back in time though and thinking I WAS hot at one point. But it’s never in the present.
September 7th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Maybe it’s because you are loveable.
September 7th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
We’re just gonna have to do it, flutter. We’re just gonna have to do it. We’re gonna have to dive into that mirror and shit wrestle ourselves. Give ‘em wedgies. Bitch slap ‘em. Hit ‘em in the ‘ead with pillas and fall laughing to the floor with them. This is one life. We want to love ourselves. We really, really want to, don’t we? Let’s just damn well do it!
xo
erin
September 9th, 2009 at 11:17 am
i don’t know if the feeling ever goes but i do know the other part of me is growing while this one stays the same size. maybe one day the me who don’t even have to wonder above worth will be my whole world and this feeling just a small landscape within it.
love you sister*
September 10th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
“I wonder what it would feel like to look at Clay and think “I love him”, without also thinking “how can he possibly love me?”…”
I say this every day when I look at Gareth. Every bloody day.
Is it ever going to end?
September 11th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I wish you joy flutter.
always.