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Forgiveness does not absolve us of personal responsibility. We may have been forgiven, but the lingering scar of the transgression remains. Because truth be told, forgiveness is for the soul of the wounded and not the soul of one transgressor. It is to let go of the blackness, the hate and the terror that can eat a heart alive. Forgiven, not forgotten.

So, after all these years, a 44 year old woman has forgiven the man who raped her when she was 13. She’s forgiven him, so should we, right?


Partially because the victim was not a 44 year old woman, but a 13 year old girl. A 13 year old girl who was boozed up and drugged on quaaludes. A girl who may or may not have given consent, to a man 30 years her senior. Which, in case you have forgotten, means nothing when you are 13. At 13 you are unable to weigh the consequences of such a consent. At 13 you cannot legally sign a contract, how can you give consent to your own body?A 44 year old woman can forgive. But that 13 year old girl deserves some justice.

Even if she asked for it, as an adult, it was his responsibility to decline. Because 13 is a child. A 40 year old man, fucking a 13 year old girl is rape.

Unless, of course, you ask Whoopi Goldberg.

One of the many many reasons that Mr Polanski must be prosecuted (aside from his confession and subsequent evasion from authorities), is to change the thinking of  people like Whoopi Goldberg. Her dismissive, insulting, nonsensical bullshit is a prevailing, disgusting view of rape.

Or should I say, “rape-rape”?

You see, Whoopi, rape isn’t like Burger King. You don’t get to have it your way. You don’t get to change the toppings to make it a more palatable shit burger to swallow. Rape is a lonesome, horrid, insidious thing and it doesn’t matter if it’s date rape. Or a stranger rape. Or a rape from your partner. Or from your parent. Or your school teacher. Or from a famous man, 30 years your senior.

It doesn’t matter, if you are 13 or 5, or 72, 17 or 44. Rape is rape. So tell, me please, Whoopi..when I gave up, told him I loved him and lay half conscious, was that rape? Rape-rape? Super duper rape with a side of rapesauce? The rapetastic voyage? Does my forgiveness of his piteous soul make what he did to me ok? Does it excuse my nightmares? The altered life I live?

Or is it as disgusting as drugging  a 13 year old, having sex with her, admitting it and then running away to avoid a trial? If you’ll pardon me, Whoopi…I think you don’t know what the fuck-fuck you’re talking about. That’s ok, though, I forgive you.

But you damn well better believe, I won’t forget.

63 Responses to “Forgiveness”

  1. sharon Says:

    I once saw a T-shirt that said, “Nobody cares what actors think”. Because I agree with that sentiment, I’d like to be able to dismiss Whoopi Goldberg’s careless, thoughtless remarks. However, many do listen to her and her ilk, and because of that–as sad as it is to think people form their views and opinions based on the frequently vacuous words of celebrities–I hope she gets so much backlash for this that she publicly apologizes.

  2. christine Says:

    i now have lost all respect i ever had for whoopi goldberg. and harrison ford. and debrah wnger. and woodie (i’ll mary my daughter) allen. fuck them. this was RAPE.

  3. stefanie Says:

    Well said, Christine. That’s all I can say.

  4. christy Says:

    So true. Those are the attitudes that help to perpetuate such bullshit. Insane.

  5. Crow Says:

    Thank you Christine! Her “views” on this subject apall me…as do most of the views of the actors in Hollywood regarding this. It DISGUSTS me beyond words.

  6. Robin Says:

    Very well said. I think this is one of those topics that it’s hard to truly understand the weight of it unless it’s happened to you. I totally agree with you, do I think he should still be prosecuted after all these years and now that she’s dropped the charges? I don’t know but then I was never raped, I can’t see it from that point of view. But then if he murdered someone and the family dropped the charges decades later he’d still be prosecuted. I definitely think though, he is a rapist and he is a coward.

  7. deb Says:

    Rape is rape. Well said.

  8. de Says:

    I hate that you are so eloquent, because I know what it has cost you. Thanks for being able to speak out.

  9. Mango Girl Says:

    “Rape-rape”? WHAT? There is no such thing. Rape is rape.
    No means no!
    And if you have to drug someone to have sex with you? You are even more pathetic.

  10. magpie Says:

    You said this better than anyone.

  11. Emily R Says:

    i couldn’t listen because the baby is nursing, but i think i get what she sai. i am posting to facebook, because this is a strong post.

  12. cryitout Says:

    This is the best, most powerful post I have read — on this topic or any.

  13. kate Says:

    Well said. I agree completely. The 13 year old deserves justice.

  14. Jack Says:

    Whoopie needs her ass whooped because reality clearly isn’t reaching her.

  15. slouchy Says:

    Yes, yes, yes.

  16. Sybil Law Says:


  17. kristen Says:

    Powerful, sister.

  18. Candy Says:

    I will admit, I thought this was overblown. It’s been so many years. But then I heard Whoopi’s explanation of it on the airwaves, and I read a great article in Salon that took the opposite (and in fact, what you’ve just said) and I then went and found the actual court transcripts of the girl’s testimony on The Smoking Gun.

    So yeah. He raped a child. There’s no sorta-kinda about it. He did it, and he never paid for the crime. She’s been paying all her life, even if she is trying to forget about it now. His day is now, and his time has come.

  19. Yo is Me Says:

    she tried explaining herself http://allday.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2009/10/01/2084644.aspx.

    i’m shocked and disappointed.

  20. Yo is Me Says:

    and your post is beautiful and perfect.

  21. Gwen Says:

    Preach it, sister.

  22. Arkie Mama Says:

    Yes, YES, YES!!!! Thank you.

  23. bejewell Says:

    The whole situation is sad and wrong. Celebrity shouldn’t buy you a pass for child rape. The kid was drugged and THIRTEEN. On any level, it was rape. Whoopie’s rant just shows how entrenched the sense of entitlement is in today’s celebrity culture. The dude RAPED A KID. He ADMITTED HIS GUILT. His celebrity status doesn’t change either of those facts.

    Brilliant director? Yes. Tragic figure? Yes. Child rapist? ALSO YES.

  24. Angeline Says:

    That’s one of the reason why I get myself OFF the TV more over the years… cos listening to such shit is simply a waste of time; and I just wanna say, I totally agree with you.

  25. Wishing4One Says:

    The Whoopsters gone off the Whoop-Whoop man! Could not have been said any better girl.

  26. Blooming Desertpea Says:

    WTF Whoopi? And what do you mean we in Europe think differently? Just because the French didn’t do the right thing doesn’t mean that the rest of us, especially women, in Europe forgive rape or childabuse … no matter what the name of the guy is!!

  27. schmutzie Says:

    This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday – http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/10/five-star-fridays-edition-73.html

  28. sadira Says:

    Ok…guess what? This man is “famous” and he’s a tragic figure and he ADMITTED to RAPING a 13 year old girl and then ran away so he wouldn’t have to face the consequences…even though we certainly knew where he was all these years. Guess what? I don’t think it matters if you did it 30 minutes ago or 30 years ago…you still DID it. This little girl was raped somewhere in time…this little girl was someone’s baby, this little girl had something taken from her. The woman she became forgave him…I understand that, and she may have gone on to forgive him regardless…but the facts are, he admitted to this crime and ran away so he didn’t have to face his punishment? Who else gets to do such things? Guess what Roman Plolanski, we all have to face the things we’ve done eventually…your time is now.

  29. nic @mybottlesup Says:

    well said. and i loved the burger king reference.

  30. cat Says:

    he fucked a kid! That is rape – call it whatever you like – but RAPE – is still RAPE – no matter how many of his hollywood supporters would like to sugar coat that!

  31. Lil Says:

    I’ve been reading all kinds of articles, blog entries, etc about Roman Polanski and I just can’t understand why anyone would support his release. So what if there were errors made by the original judge/DA/police – let the rapist come back here and fight it out in court and get it over and done with. He hasn’t suffered one iota since fleeing the U.S. I haven’t listened to this Whoopi video and I really don’t want to. She’s an idiot if she thinks Roman Polanski should be released or anything other than his being extradited back to the U.S. and standing trial.

  32. meno Says:

    This is so sickening that my scalp is tingling from not hitting anything. I just cannot believe the defenses of him i have been hearing. He DRUGGED and RAPED a THIRTEEN year old girl. No forgiveness, ever.

  33. Irish Gumbo Says:

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the sound of punches not being pulled. My heart and a raucous “Hell yeah!” go out to you.

    Keep on telling it like it is, my dear. Bravo!

  34. Suebob Says:

    Thank you for kicking ass and taking names on this. I thought about you all day when I heard Bernard-Henri Levy defending Polanski on “On Point Radio” today. He said “It was just one girl,” and I about flipped out. So ruining just one girl’s life doesn’t count? So it isn’t rape-rape? Gah. As my nephew said one day when he was about 8 and was really, really disgusted “That makes me stink!” Exactly.

  35. TigereyeSal Says:

    Powerful, well-written stuff.

    Have I said recently how sorry I am that this issue hits you so personally and directly? You might have chosen completely different issues to have a visceral response to. You really don’t get to know who you might have been and what might have mattered to you, because of what your transgressor stole from you. Perhaps, this issue might still have been an absolute trigger, but I’m really sorry that you don’t get to know who you might have been, if you had not been raped.

    And neither does she.

  36. Cheryl Says:

    I almost fell out of bed when I listened to Whoopie. I have lost all respect for her, on so many levels. Your post is so powerful and very clear, rape is rape. It is a no brainer, this case is so clear cut, yet it boggles my mind how the media/stars are even debating the case. There is nothing to debate.
    Love you.

  37. anymommy Says:

    Perfect. The best response I’ve read. It breaks my heart that a powerful, visible woman could be this ignorant.

  38. pgoodness Says:

    As always, you say it perfectly. xo

  39. erin Says:

    Flutter, you wrote the shit out of this! Yes you did. And I’m not even gonna watch her ’cause just reading what you say she said…it’s more than enough.

  40. Nikki Mohamed Says:

    Okay, Whoopi Goldberg is no longer allowed in my home! What a bunch of bullshit. “Would I want my 14 year old to be having sex? Probably not.”
    HELLO??? Would you want your 14 year old to be drugged by a 44 year old man and then when he asks her unconcious, underage ass, “Do you consent?” while he nods her head up and down and then proceed to have sex with her?? This is what RAPE means. Statutory rape is STILL a sex crime. Just ask half the guys listed on the registered sex offenders list.
    I wonder if it happened to her at her age, would Whoopi consider
    the act “rape-rape” then.
    (Thank you, Flutter for this post!)

  41. MotherOfBun Says:

    It was rape. Pure and simple. I don’t know how its anything other than that. Ya know?

  42. Painted Maypole Says:

    i had heard murmurs of whoopi’s comment, but not what it actually was.


    you are spot on.

  43. maggie, dammit Says:

    Here’s the thing: I completely agree with everything you said.

    But? When I watch that clip, you can see Whoopi starts off by saying something really quietly, you can hardly hear it, but she’s talking about what he was charged with. So when she says “it wasn’t rape-rape” she is actually finishing a sentence that started something like, “I don’t remember exactly what he was charged with, but it wasn’t rape-rape.” She was talking about the original charge. At least, I’m pretty sure.

    Not that I care, because I’m happy the conversation is taking place. Because it absolutely WAS rape rape, and people need to own up to that.

  44. Kyla Says:

    You said it, and well.

  45. we_be_toys Says:

    WTF? I can’t believe Whoopi would be so obtuse and hurtful. Is this a case of bodysnatching, because, damn…!

    I love it when you get riled up. The words just weave together and produce this wonderful music that is your voice.

    You know I love you, right?

  46. Don Mills Diva Says:

    I won’t forget either. Any respect I had for her, I lost after this quote.

  47. Jocelyn Says:

    Mail this to her. Even if she never reads it, you’ve tried. And there IS a chance she’d read it and have her eyes opened.

  48. Coast Rat Says:

    Well said, Flutter girl! Amen!

  49. mamatulip Says:

    Fuckin’ A, Flutter.

  50. Suki Says:

    Thank you for writing what you think. Not everyone does that.
    There are more of us out there.

  51. Gypsy Says:

    Agreed. The man is a rapist and a coward and should be punished. His behavior disgusts me.

  52. phd in yogurtry Says:

    This is the first time I’ve seen what Whoopi said, as opposed to hearing from someone what she said. Thanks for posting the clip. As I understood it, from what I heard she said, she was clarifying the actual charge that Polanski faced or pleaded guilty to. As in, he didn’t plead guilty to adultman-rapes-an-adult woman charge, i.e., rape-rape, but rather with “the lesser charge of engaging in unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor, a charge which is synonymous under Californian law with statutory rape.” (wiki) But I’d have to see earlier in the clip. It was a really poor phrase Whoopi chose, regardless.

  53. phd in yogurtry Says:

    And for the record, I completely agree with you flutter, that even if a minor “consents”, it’s not consent under the law. A minor cannot legally, emotionally, developmentally consent under the laws of our country. So it’s rape. It is sexual assault of a minor by an adult. The fact that this minor was drugged, makes it an even more egregious offense, in my opinion.

  54. joker the lurcher Says:

    i’m with you on this one this whole thing stinks, and for ‘celebrities’ to try and justify what he did stinks even more.

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  57. Meagan Says:

    I sort of disagree that “rape is rape.” If a 20 year old having sex with a consenting 17 year old is statutory rape, that to me is a grey zone. In some areas two 14 year olds can BOTH be convicted of statutory rape for having sex with each other. A 17 year old cannot legally consent. 14 is not old enough to make an adult decision. But these are NOT the same crime as dragging a woman into an alley and sexually assaulting her.

    Roman Polanski’s crime is not a grey zone. He raped a child. People are trying to dismiss it as “just” statutory rape, because she was underaged, but she was DRUGGED, making it official rape-rape that even whoopie ought to be able to recognize. Even if the girl had consented, I think we need to realize there’s a big difference between 13 and 17, and an even bigger difference between a similarly aged equally ignorant boy friend, and a 40 year old man. He raped a child, period, but not ALL statutory cases are clear and simple child rape.

  58. JCK Says:

    I agree with you. And I can’t even turn on the Whoopie clip. That would just make my head spin.

  59. cathy Says:

    Trying to whitewash this horrible crime is disgusting.
    Don’t these people understand what setting a precident means?

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