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Oh, Holy Crap

tackychristmas

(sung to the tune of “O Holy Night”. My apologies to the hymn writer and all those who love “O Holy Night” and also, Jesus.)

(further, this isn’t actually my neighbor’s house….but trust me, it isn’t far off)

Oh, Holy Crap

the neighbor’s lights are blinding

the only lights Hubble can see on Earth

Long lay the elf

in the garage deflating

til pumps appeared

and then air filled his girth

the lighted reindeer

in their front yard glowing

as Santa rides a Harley

on the roof

Fall, on your knees!

your retinas are burning

Oh, for the love of God

where did they get all of this crap?

Oh why? Oh why?

Oh why, please tell me why

Fall on your knees

Spongebob is on the front lawn

Oh, Holy crap.

32 Responses to “Oh, Holy Crap”

  1. Irish Gumbo Says:

    AAAiiiiiiAAAAAIIIIIeeeeeEEEEE!!!!!

    I thought Spongebob was supposed to be in the manger!

  2. Hilly Says:

    Oh mah God, and here I thought Floridians were the only tacky asses getting this gaudy at Christmas time!

  3. Jess Says:

    Tears of mirth fill my eyes, oh benevolent hymn rewriter. Thank you for sharing this reverent display. You crack me up.

  4. deb Says:

    I didn’t realize Homer Simpson was part of Christmas.

    I sang it in my head. Too funny:)

  5. amy2boys Says:

    OMG. I love O Holy Night and Jesus, but I also love this post. This is hilarious! That house is breathtaking, and I mean that in the worst possible way.

  6. Erika Says:

    I love writing new lyrics to songs!! This is awesome!!

    “Fall on your knees/ your retinas are burning”

    HA!!

  7. Kyla Says:

    A couple of weekends ago, my best friend’s dogs escaped and we had to drive around to find them. We passed some equally insane showings…one house even perpetually played really terrible Christmas music. I’d have lost my mind if that was my neighbor!

    I’d suggest sneaking over a stealing a few bulbs…just one bulb and you can take out a strand! LOL.

  8. Sybil Law Says:

    Hahaha
    I always wonder what the neighbors think of those ultra lit -up houses!!
    You poor, poor girl!
    So… you need some trees to plant in the spring?

  9. Arkie Mama Says:

    Hilarious! I used to work with a guy who had to put alarm systems in place because people kept making off with his obnoxious, lighted decor. The cuprits? His co-workers.

  10. jaded Says:

    I didn’t know santa designed whore houses during the off season.

  11. lu Says:

    Funny, did you hear that funny, yeah this girl said flutter, she’s a funny girl.
    That’s her she just threw me to stitches, doubled in half,
    and if she’s not right then the world should be sawed in half….

  12. Blissful Babe Says:

    Oh good Lord girl. You crack muh shit up.

  13. phd in yogurtry Says:

    Oh holy crap is right. Thousands of tiny, colorful Christmas lights, I love. Blow up cartoons, and plastic crap, I hate. And that includes cartoonish looking snowmen and santa’s elves and Mrs. Clause. Stick with twinkly lights, people. For the love of goddess.

  14. alejna Says:

    Have I told you lately that you are brilliant? That was freakin’ fantastic. I’ll be singing that to myself all night.

  15. Deborah Beckwith Says:

    Looks like Mom’s neighbor…for real, it does. He tops these guys by dressing like Santa, sitting at the end of his driveway, playing Christmas carols on his keyboard and singing. Yep AND..it’s free! What more can you ask for?

  16. sadira Says:

    Um…is that also a turkey on the front lawn? Holy crap.

  17. Painted Maypole Says:

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

    (and I love that song. and jesus. and this is still hystercial)

  18. Maggie, dammit Says:

    PAH! Perfect. I know that guy.

  19. sharon Says:

    At first I thought it was a dachshund on the roof but no, it appears to be santa’s sleigh…

  20. madge Says:

    hey. stop taking pictures of my house.

  21. Sugarplum's Mom Says:

    Wow…that’s umm…. festive..

  22. Bejewell Says:

    The Bean and I went driving around every. single. night. to look at the Christmas lights, pretty much the entire month of December. He made me pass by the houses with Mickey Mouse and Charlie Brown decorations multiple times, and by “multiple” I mean at least a thousand times each.

    I think his head might have exploded if he’d seen this.

  23. Angeline Says:

    *giggle* That was nice!

    Happy New Year!

  24. Mocha Says:

    “Fall on your knees” seems to be SO appropriate in the song. Well done, my creative friend.

  25. erin Says:

    Ah, nothing says Christmas like Spongebob! WTF? The world has gone bent.

    Miss you Ms. Flutter. Where the hell are you?

    Happy New Year!
    xo
    erin

  26. the mama bird diaries Says:

    Wow. That is something.

  27. Jocelyn Says:

    You are so my girl. When people waste time and resources like this–in some overwrought display of WHAT?–I get not only annoyed but genuinely put out. Like, HELLO, feed someone somewhere with that money you’re putting towards the electricity bill, ‘k?

  28. Amy Y Says:

    That’s hilarious :)

  29. Denguy Says:

    Holy Crickey Griswalds!

  30. magpie Says:

    I love you more than ever.

  31. Stunned Ass Charnas Says:

    Holy, holy, holy crap, lobster of power and might…

  32. JCK Says:

    LMAO.