fast times at Facebook High
I love Facebook.
I know a lot of people don’t. A lot of people freak out at the time-sucking nature of it or that they don’t want everyone to know their biz. It appeals phenomenally to my twisted inner voyeur. I love seeing photos of people looking gorgeous with their families. I love seeing the successes. But really?
I can be one snarky fucking bitch and Facebook is the ultimate in jerk-hiding-behind-a-keyboard equality.
I have found my high school best friend, who is a gorgeous, successful attorney. I have found a dear friend of our family, whose children encompass some of my very favorite childhood memories. My dear friend from Junior High is on Facebook. My mom is on Facebook. My sister, my brother, my cousins, my fiance.
Then I got a friend request from a dude I knew in high school. He told me, back then that he thought I was pretty. Then he proceeded to piss all over my locker. Therapy has taught me that this is the equivalent of his pulling my pigtails in the third grade. Common sense has taught me that this is the equivalent of him pissing all over my locker. I clicked over to his profile, noting that he has gone into the ministry.
Clearly his guilt over defiling my locker changed his entire life. HIS ENTIRE LIFE. I mean clearly, he was so bereft at the act of using my locker as a urinal, he turned to God to make it right. Well look, locker pisser; God may have forgiven you, but I don’t. Friend request, DENIED. It tickled me to no end to be so utterly passive aggressive. Therapy has taught me that this is my way of avoiding a conflict with someone who intimidated me. Common sense has taught me that Monsignor McPissalot can kiss my ass. God bless you.
He and I share many common “friends” one of whom asked me to spy on her boyfriend while we were in Spanish class. She was remarkably popular, incredibly beautiful and terminally stupid. I was not popular, not beautiful and not stupid. Her terrible idea became my mission in life, lest she make my day to day school going completely miserable. I watched her boyfriend like a hawk in our common classes, watching for the slightest hint of his infidelity. There were none. Like all of the teenage guys on campus, he was completely cock blinded to what an insecure psychopath she was. I summoned up my balls one day and decided to put a stop to my subterfuge.
I walked right up to him and said “Hey, your girlfriend has little minions all over campus watching your every move to make sure you don’t cheat. So, either you want to reassure her that you’re into her, or you need to tell her to get some meds. She’s being crazy.”
I watched his face change in light of this information. Wow, I thought, I am really making a difference here. I started to feel smug in my morality, I was saving him untold heartache. Yes, she was going to make me suffer for it, but wow, he really got it. I watched the rage, then fear, then sadness and finally confusion settle over his handsome face.
Then he said, “Wait, what’s a minion?”
Fuck.
His girlfriend socked me in the cheek in the girl’s locker room and flushed my gym shorts down the toilet that same afternoon. So, imagine my surprise when she found me on Facebook and sent me the following message:
Chris,
I totally forgive you for trying to destroy my relationship with [redacted]. I know it’s because you were pathetic in high school, but it’s totally cool now. No worries. We’ve been married since 1993 and have 3 kids. [redacted] who is 16, [redacted] who is 13 and [redacted jr] who is 12.
Isn’t it funny how life works out? [redacted] and I send our love.
XOXO sweetie,
Scary-ass-psycho-bitch-who-clearly-topped-out-at-17
Emboldened by my laptop screen, the fortress of my keyboard and a healthy sense of outrage, I replied the following:
Dear SAPBWCTOA17,
You’re married! To [redacted]! That’s awesome. Doing simple math, I’ve surmised by the ages of your children that your wedding was either outfitted by Vera Wang maternity, or you used your first born as your ring bearer. Either way, I am sure the affair was lovely, even with the visible presence of a shot gun.
Your love astounds us all and is something to which I, personally, aspire. Tell [redacted] to look up that word, you know, in a dictionary. I remember that big words make his head hurt and clearly that brain is something to be protected. I would hate to think of him taking a sharp blow and all of the sudden having had some sense knocked in.
Pathetic is all relative, I suppose. I realize I was quite nearly voted “Most Likely To Trip Over Herself While Watching A Bird”, but I am engaged to someone who was voted “Capitalist Most Likely To Own Your Ass” and we have managed to do fairly well. Without the use of outside private investigators in the form of teenage girls. Will the accomplishments never end?
I do hope you’ve managed to instill in your children a sense of self esteem, which prevents them from using people to make themselves feel better. I would hate to see your ugly cycle continue. But, I am certain you’ve done the necessary work to ensure that this won’t happen.
Hugs and smooches, cupcake. My totally stable, able to complete full sentences and has never suffered from premature ejaculation unlike someone’s husband I know, fiance and I send our best regards.
Actually, no we don’t.
Christine
Strange, she didn’t friend request me. Hmm. I was so hoping I’d be invited to her daughter’s sure to be upcoming baby shower.
I like Twitter as well. But, there is no chance that my mother will ever “accidentally” see me call someone a shitninja, or a douchejelly, because she doesn’t Twitter. I had to admit that even though I am 34 and I adore my mother, I do sometimes love to shock her. Facebook is such a delightful tool to use to this end.
Facebook is like a pixelated reality TV show. There is drama. Bad behavior. Terrible hair. Moments of poignancy. There is also me laughing hysterically at the friend request sent by the company mattress that I used to work with at the Not-t0-be-named retail establishment. The one who came up with thinly veiled ways of calling me fat. “Sturdy”, “Statuesque”, “Bigger” and my personal favorite “Zaftig”. Except, she pronounced it “Zatfig”. I asked her if that was Zaftig’s illiterate cousin. She stomped off on her little pencil legs, her flouncy skirt bouncing off behind her.
So, no, you twig legged, lemur-eyed nasally voiced little troll. I will not be your friend. Not on Facebook, not in life. I shall make fun of you, and your rat’s nest hair and your yellow fingernails and your teeth that are 5 times too big for your chinless face. I will politely hand you back your friend request with a polite suggestion that you may shove it up your ass. Except, I know that you are currently using that orifice to entertain three quarters of the straight men who work in the company. So, keep my suggestion for when you have a vacancy.
I will, however, look through all of your photos and marvel at the feat of physics which keeps your giant head balanced on your tiny body. Because that is what Facebook is for.
January 24th, 2010 at 8:34 pm
I love you, you snarky bitch! OMG that was too funny.
January 24th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
for your love of facebook, twitter, and of night dwelling blood suckers i love you.
oh and your BIG ASS BALLS.
flutter–you rock!!!
xoxo
January 24th, 2010 at 9:26 pm
Can you somehow orchestrate those ass holes from my past to find me? Pretty please? Because I would love, love, love to send that email.
It kind of surprises me that she is still holding on to that, though…yikes. Talk about being stuck in high school.
January 24th, 2010 at 9:42 pm
see, I would laugh, but now I wonder what people are thinking when they are looking at my pictures.
actually, this was fabulous. and although I’m not sure if i should believe that you truly sent SAPBWCTOA17 that message, I’m going to choose to believe. because it’s too good not to.
January 24th, 2010 at 9:46 pm
Yes. Just yes.
January 24th, 2010 at 10:03 pm
You didn’t. Did you? Oh, you naughty, naughty. This is perhaps the best FB endorsement I’ve ever read. You should sell it to FB marketing. It is a game, isn’t it.
Thank GAWD you did not friend these sphincters. I’m probably spelling that wrong. I’m SO glad we don’t have to do high school again. So glad.
January 24th, 2010 at 11:12 pm
That was terribly awesome. I heart FB for all the same reasons!!
January 25th, 2010 at 12:46 am
Hilarious. I love FB as well… faithfully, unabashedly, unashamedly. I love spying and frineding and not-friending that girl that tortured me, seeing my high school crush grow a beer belly and live in a trailer (I’m from Texas), and every now and then sending the ‘therapy email’ in response to some weirdo like the one you listed above.
January 25th, 2010 at 5:07 am
I love Facebook. Love. Better than Twitter and blogging these days.
My new fella is actually someone that I’ve known since I was 20 (that’s 18 years for those of us doing math) and because of Facebook, we found each other again after having not spoken in five years. And? We’re now “dating” and are very much back into each other.
But besides all the love and goo? I just find it fascinating.
January 25th, 2010 at 6:37 am
I so do not miss high school after reading this post.
Love Facebook. I’m off Twitter, though. It makes me feel cheap somehow
January 25th, 2010 at 7:12 am
Best thing I’ve read in a while! Facebook is the ultimate vindication for those of us who were not prom queens. I’m not going to ask if you really sent that message back to SAPBWCTOA17 because I so want it to be so. I may apply for the job as *your* minion.
January 25th, 2010 at 7:16 am
It feels good to vent sometimes:)
January 25th, 2010 at 7:24 am
I totally puffy heart you.
January 25th, 2010 at 7:41 am
You and I should start a club or something.
Seriously – you are the SHIT.
xoxo
January 25th, 2010 at 7:41 am
I got bored easily with the high school drama. Then my daughter begged me to please Facebook again. For no other reason – I keep it up and rarely update.
What I wasn’t expecting was my ex-MIL to poke me. The woman made my life a living hell and all of a suddenly I’m supposed to poke her back. Umm…I have a few things I would love to do to the woman and poke her is not one of them. Burn her at the stake would be more enticing.
What is it with ugly personalities looking up those they tormented? Seems the bully gene followed them into adulthood and they miss those good old days. I hope you sent the letter to S she deserves every word of it and more. It’s amazing how many people need a reality check after all of this time. (Hugs)Indigo
January 25th, 2010 at 10:11 am
It is a dirty, f*cking no holds barred day in the blogosphere and I am lapping up every fricking syllable of it. Yours is the best so far though because it is so spectacular to read you fly!
January 25th, 2010 at 10:41 am
Myspace was better for it than Facebook. Bwahahaha!
January 25th, 2010 at 11:09 am
I am new to FB, well 6mo new. In the beginning I liked it for the same reasons, to look up old H.S. friends/boyfriends. However, my family didn’t really appreciate all the time I was allocating to FB. It is very easy to get sucked into spending hours on there. I also picked up a stalker. Which was not so much freakin fun. As of recent, I visit maybe once a day for about 5 minutes. Then I’m off. It just has lost its “luster” for me.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:38 am
I love facebook too.
And you are awesome ~ you make me giggle. I’m glad you let that bitch have it
Oh, and shitninja? I have never heard that one before… love it!
January 25th, 2010 at 3:04 pm
this should be a script.
seriously.
i just plain don’t understand people.
i really don’t.
you, however, are all sorts of awesome.
the kind of awesome that movie soundtracks are made for.
xo
January 25th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Oh. So. Now I know why you didn’t friend me back on Facebook. He does NOT prematurely ejaculate. Often.
January 25th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Ha! I have never loved you more.
January 25th, 2010 at 5:30 pm
That was fucking priceless. I bow.
January 25th, 2010 at 6:10 pm
You really sent her that letter???!!!
You are now officially who i want to be when i grow up!
January 25th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
I think this is one of the best things I’ve read in a while. I had to read it twice to make sure I didn’t miss an ounce of snark. I love a person with snark.
Seriously, thank you for this.
January 25th, 2010 at 8:20 pm
You crack me up.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:33 pm
WHO DOES THAT??? what the eff??? let’s throw eggs on her locker and TP her house.
betch.
January 26th, 2010 at 5:31 am
That was one of the funniest things I’ve read. Thanks for the laugh this morning!
January 26th, 2010 at 6:04 am
OMG ZATFIG.
I love you.
January 26th, 2010 at 11:40 am
So awesome, you are.
January 26th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Oh facebook…however did we waste time before we had you? I have a lovely friend (in real life SINCE high school and ON facebook) whom culls her “friends” every once in a while for the BEST reasons. We’ve currently had “religious women who argue over who has the best husband and most adorable kids and even though they’re fun to make fun of over a glass of wine, they still have to go” and “You weren’t friends with me in high school, you don’t want to be friends with me now…cause you SILL aren’t talking to me” and “what is this??? A popularity game?!?!”
facebook is priceless…so are all the memories of High School…
January 26th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
You’re so fuckin’ funny.
January 26th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Did you really message her that? You, sister, are bad ass.
Awesome.
I’m obviously using Facebook wrong.
January 26th, 2010 at 7:49 pm
You are brilliantly funny. Man o man, I love you.
January 26th, 2010 at 8:11 pm
I adore you!! I now wish I had taken time to compose such snarky brilliance rather than just hitting “ignore.” Loved this!
January 26th, 2010 at 8:51 pm
I may have said it before, but it bears repeating. Christine, you rock the balls and ass of the blogosphere!
January 27th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Omigosh. I heart you so much reading this. I just decided this moring to stop logging on to Facebook because I get so sick of seeing people political and religious rants. I get so sick of people trying to shouve their beliefs down my throat in real life, like I want to put up with that on Facebook where I’m just trying to keep up with old friends. Now I realize I’ve just been going about it the wrong way….thanks to you
)
January 27th, 2010 at 12:58 pm
this is hilarious! you are such a funny lady, mrs flutter.
January 27th, 2010 at 5:01 pm
Can I hire you to script for my life? Sure I might get fired from my job, but it would be worth it to hear your take on some things in my life…
Check out failbooking.com for some funny stuff people have done on FB. It makes me cackle almost as much as your blog does.
January 27th, 2010 at 5:48 pm
This has to be 1 of the best things I have ever read. I love it!
January 27th, 2010 at 8:32 pm
Ha ha ha. Git on witcher bad sef!!
January 28th, 2010 at 11:09 am
Why why why isn’t there a function on facebook for sending a request to someone to shove their friend request up their ass? It’s genius.
January 28th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
I get great pleasure out of denying friend requests from people who were assholes to me in high school. To be honest, it’s the only useful application I see for the thing.
January 29th, 2010 at 9:07 am
[...] a quick ‘bonus’ follow. I just started following byflutter. Her hilarious passive / aggressive commentary on Facebook is my must read blog post of this [...]
January 29th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
Awesome! You rock!
January 29th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
“Zaftig’s illiterate cousin”
January 29th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
shaniqua meant to say that the above referenced quote made her pee in her pants.
January 30th, 2010 at 12:59 am
Everything everyone else commented…plus, SERIOUSLY: this could be the start of a pitch for a tv pilot–I mean, really, you show how damn funny that weird little world can be…and I think HBO is finally ready for you.
The “minion” line had me hooting.
January 30th, 2010 at 7:07 pm
You had me laughing the entire time,but after “shitninja” you owned me.
January 30th, 2010 at 9:16 pm
Oh.My.God. This post is fucking hilarious!!!! I love Facebook for the very same reasons!
January 31st, 2010 at 9:50 am
oh, c.! this was so fabulous.
February 1st, 2010 at 8:49 am
Living well will always be the best revenge. But damn it, if it doesn’t feel good to tell a few assholes that they’re assholes.
February 1st, 2010 at 10:54 am
[...] reading some stuff a few days ago, I realized that flutter had held a coming out party of sorts for those of us who have a love-hate relationship with [...]
February 1st, 2010 at 3:22 pm
Liv wasn’t wrong when she suggested I pop over for a read of this post. Ah. Your Powers are strong.
Facebook is definitely *not* a place where all the social rules are reset. When I get beFriended by people who wouldn’t now be alive if my school had enjoyed a healthy illegal arms trade, I can’t quite believe it. Excuse me? You’re trying to do *what*?
No. Once a twat, always a twat, except in rare circumstances where historical twattery can be alleviated with elaborate gift exchanges and feasting rituals. A Facebook Friend add doesn’t cut it.
However, as you say, it’s fun to add them and then poke around in their photos and updates. Sometimes you find something that can be used against them in public or at their workplace. Yay!
Lovely post, this.
Your friend, Mike.
Because….like…..we *are* friends, aren’t we? Because if I ever piss you off for any reason, I’m willing to fold like a pack of cards and prostrate myself (metaphorically) in front of your superior moral position on any subject matter. While this statement *may* look like cowardice brought on by your public display of Jedi-grade Snark in this post, it’s actually…something else. Yes. Something nobler. Just trust me on this.
Ta.
February 1st, 2010 at 3:46 pm
One of my favourite FB games is to laugh at friends-of-friends’ wedding photos. SERIOUSLY? She wore THAT to her WEDDING? Ahahahahahahaaaaaa!
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:44 am
Hahahaha! I feel much the same about FB.
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:46 am
Denied! Love it.
This is actually one of the reasons I didn’t use my ‘maiden’ name (hate that term) on my Facebook page. It helped me control things a bit more, and wouldn’t open up the floodgates of high school.
The locker-pisser and the cheek-socking psycho can suck it.
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:43 am
I’ve only ever had one belligerent exchange with a former friend on Facebook. I friend-requested him after his wife denied my friend request because she doesn’t friend guys out of respect for her husband. I let that little slap in the face go and hooked up with her husband, who was also once a dear friend. He’s now a freak. Told me I needed to stop cursing because it was showing up in his feed and offending him and his other holier-than-thou friends. So I showed him how to use the hide button, and then deleted him. Felt fucking good, too . . .
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:44 am
“I asked her if that was Zaftig’s illiterate cousin. She stomped off on her little pencil legs, her flouncy skirt bouncing off behind her.” Wow. That was inspired. I wish I had half your wit. Loved this post.
February 2nd, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Fun, fun, funny! I think it’s snark month!
February 2nd, 2010 at 5:54 pm
You go, girl.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:16 am
Zatfig? Flounced off, indeed!
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:18 am
Girl, you be crackin’ my shit up left and right with this one. Love.
February 5th, 2010 at 5:41 pm
Brilliant!
February 15th, 2010 at 7:00 am
I LOVE IT!
February 16th, 2010 at 9:06 am
I really enjoy your dry sense of homour!! You are a wonderful writer. I too am an advit follower of Facebook and one day I was going through (In a mood, I might add) thinking I just saw one of my “FRIENDS” in the grocery store and they didn’t even acknowledge my existance……..Remove friend. I thought to myself that’s a great idea, why do I have so many people on here, so going through my list of friends I deleted about 100 people, putting on my status, “if you still have access to my profile you are one of the lucky ones.” I now have 498 of my closes friends on FB. (I roll my eyes). It’s like basketball, EVENTLUALLY there will be another cut!! HAHAHA (evil laugh)
Lynn
March 13th, 2010 at 8:04 am
Best.reply.ever!
I can’t believe she didnt’ want to ‘friend’ you. heh heh
April 13th, 2010 at 11:57 pm
Seriously? LOL! That is so funny. But also the reason I’m so not a Facebook fan. Thank God, though, that you accepted my “friend” invite. You make me laugh.
April 14th, 2010 at 9:24 am
Hi. I’ve never run into you before now, but going by this, I think I might adore you. Just wanted to let you know.
April 21st, 2010 at 4:48 am
Very interesting post thank you for writing it I just added your site to my bookmarks and will be back.
April 22nd, 2010 at 7:45 am
LMAO! Love this post. I’m the kind of patheti-sad person that will accept the loser’s friend request JUST to see her/his private photos, and then delete them from my FB and my life. I have to know if they’re more successful than I am. Or thinner.
May 4th, 2010 at 9:19 am
I. Aodre. You!
That is all.
Now to spam you on Face Book!
<3
May 16th, 2010 at 7:42 am
I am smiling stupidly at my PC screen reading this. Thinking how you’ve grown and cheering for common sense. Go get em girl!